Sunday, May 31, 2009

here fishy fishy

since i made a fool of myself this morning-- as i was attempting to NOT make a fool of myself, and get my pix posted in time. because i was late the last two times and didn't ever get em posted. so anyhow--- i went fishin. i also decided to go somewhere i hadn't been before, just to see if it was any good. since my spots have been suckin pretty bad lately. so i go over over there, it's pretty close to home. i was the first one there, but by the time i had tied two different rods, there were two guys there already fishin . ugh. i thought i was ruined-- but i got fish on my first--and my second casts. i was on a roll. and boy, i thought, after that second fish that i was gonna get a bunch of decent fish and really out fish these guys-- who hadn't even caught one yet.
well, i should have kept my mouth shut. well, my thoughts really. cuz the second fish snapped the end of my rod right OFF. i tried to fish a while longer-- but all they were interested in was the rod that just got broke. my drop-shot rod. ERG. i threw just about everything else i could think of.. but i didn't have another drop shot--so i was screwed, and left.

but anyhow-- wanna see what i got? i didn't get a pic of the second one-- cuz once he snapped the rod, and came off, he rolled right down the hill and smack into the pond.. with a very kind screw you to me, i might add. the little shit.
anyhow-- here ya go--

Saturday, May 30, 2009

"senile" photo challenge - beauty is in the eye of the beholder -

welp folks-- i ran out of time again in getting fresh photos for this, so here are some i already had in my files... next time-- i will get new pix. i meant to this time -- but as usual, i was playin catch up-- and never got caught up. musta been that darn nap yesterday. actually, it may have been a coma. i'm not sure. :))

ok here's the pix---

the first is not something i think i would be the beholder in. but many other people do think snow is beautiful. this was taken in Iowa, on a trip i took out there to visit "dear liza" for a few days... i am not a snow person...especially when it comes to drivin in it. i drove on a sheet of ice for like 2 hours..maybe an hour and a half. my hands hurt for days due to the death grip i had on the steering wheel.

yep, that was some fun stuff. :))

here, on the other hand IS somethin that would be "in the eye of the beholder"
to0 . i caught this thing myself night fishin-- with a plastic worm... it was really wild.. and so far-- from the research, and people i have asked personally-- a first. far as i know-- nobody else has caught a "clam" on a hook, and plastic bait. it's just so rare, and cool -- that's it's beautiful :)) to me.

(isn't that a song? a bad song? by bube`
--- you're beautiful, to meeee')
ok, nevermind. :))

alrighty, i saved the very best for for last---
i just may have been the only person
alive who actually saw the beauty in this dog.
this is my Midnight. she isn't "with us" anymore.
but we gave her the best life we possible could have.
she was abused when we got her. it was horrible to watch her, and very hard
to earn her trust. it took literally years for that dog to KNOW that she was safe with us, and we wouldn't hurt her. she was definitely MY dog from the begining.
from the first second our eyes met. we connected. i told her owners that day i wanted her-- within two weeks they called and said i could have her.
i jumped on it-- and picked her up within 20 minutes.
she was the best dog i ever had.

she had a flea allergy, some kind of skin condition, and early on after we got her..she almost died from mange. we did everything and anything we could to make her comfortable during these times of sheer misery , when her hair would fall out and she would be itchy and have hot spots. it was always so sad to watch.
but that was one good thing about moving to NM.. somehow it helped her skin problem. she actually looked and felt pretty good there.
anyhow-- i really loved that dog. and she knew it. i miss her. she just got old and sick. it was time. it was inhumane to keep her around just cuz i wanted her here.

so-- there's my pix .
and some blabbering narration to go with em.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

here's a little meme that Donna wanted me to do - i aim to please :))

Three names I go by:

1. mom
2. soul
3. brezz -- and brenda :))

Three Jobs I've had in my life:

1. Fast food hell
2. exterminator / bug lady
3. aircraft engine mechanic (in the Navy)

Three places I've lived:

1. san diego, ca
2. orange park , fl
3. watauga, tx

Three TV Shows I watch:

1. house
2. lie to me
3. judge judy

Three places I've been:

1. diego garcia (british indian ocean territory) USN
2. subic bay , philipines
3. jail :)) (only overnight peeps , don't hate me)

Three People who e-mail me regularly:

1. donna
2. angie
3. smocha
(in no particular order)

Three of my favorite foods:
1. smoked brisket
2. rib-eye steak
3. lobster
it asked for faves-- doesn't mean i eat em every day :))
that would be more like-
chef boy r dee

Three friends I think will respond:

1. whoever
2. wants
3. it

Three Things I'm looking forward to:

1. Angie gettin her butt out here!
2. buyin a house---preferably one we all will love
3. gettin my life and body back under control (it's been a tough couple years --- i'm really hoping for things to change soon.

fax illiterate, attentention to detail deficit disorder and other random crap-

i know y'all know what this is:

i can probably safely bet that many of you even
have one in your own home.

i bet i can even even safely say that almost all of you
know how to properly, and efficiently use one.

well, guess what?
i'm not like you people out there.
i am fax machine illiterate.
i have fax attention deficit disorder.
my attempt at faxing #22 pages of loan aps and paperwork
yesterday, was nothing short of a disaster.
a public show of my ice age knowledge of the electronic age.
not to mention a quite humiliating experience.
and above all--- expensive as hell.

has anyone used a public- pay for use fax machine lately?
i faxed 20 pages-- it cost me over 20.00!!
they have fax machines you can BUY for like just over 100.00!
what kind of scam is that?
yet people-- like me-- do it.
wanna know the worst part?
i HAVE a perfectly fine fax machine out in my garage--
somewhere. in a box. still to be unpacked from our move from NM.
but anyhow-- i finally got it all done - and sent-
and am now waiting to hear from the
good news fairy.
think there is one? let there be one.

ok-- what else?
this carpool crap never ever works out for us.
i think it's a set up. a conspiracy of sorts.
we've tried this sort of thing before,
then the other parent has some sort of change
and we end up still doing the driving--
with NO benefit for us.
in fact-- it ends up that we go out of our way,
and the other parent does nothing.
how does that happen?
this latest "carpool adventure"
was supposed to be soulkid get piucked up and taken to school
and i pick up and drop off after school....
sounds simple enough , right?
the other dad , just this week decides to show up-
unannounced like 20 minutes early and expect MY lally gaggin child to be ready!
NOT gonna happen, ever. she barely gets out the door on time as it is.
she has always been hard to get motivated in the morning, and now, he decides to
come almost half an hour early. nope. i'm not gonna go thru that hassle. not gonna drag her outta bed early-- or argue for that extra half hour rushing her.
so, that little idea went out the window---
so guess what?
i still drive her in... AND take HIS kid home.
how damn convenient is that?
am i just too friggin nice or what?
i would like to think it's nice--
and not being a doormat.
i mean the kid lives like two blocks away. it really isn't a big deal.
just principals.
and another thing-- i just don't like drivin other kids around.
especially after school-
my kid will ask for a drink or food-- and i either end up
buying for two or three-
or making her wait til i get rid of the rest of them.
making myself out to look poor- or miserly.
but really-- it's not my job to feed these kids.
i do it sometimes- but i can't do it everyday-
i'm startin to look forward to school gettin out-
june 4th.. good lawd it's comin quick.

we decided against her doin summer school this year.
we have a choice at least this time.
but if she were to go? its 150.00 per class- and she would have four.
it just aint happenin.
i can't believe they charge for summer school here.
the saddest part -- for me-- about all this school crap-
she has definitely failed the 9th grade.
i just can't believe it.
all because of the bad choices, and bad attitude she had for the
first three 1/4's of the year.
we all know she woulda flown thru--
but she just gave up.
that really makes me sad.

well anyways.. time to hit the street--speekin of school.
i'll be back.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

holy hell, feel the burn !!!

i can't believe how fast this day is going by. and i had such big plans too. bill paying, errand running, po box checking, grocery shopping-- yes, at wally hell. ugh. do y'all think i have accomplished any of it? you're right. i have not. i have managed to SORT the bills, from what needs paid today, vs next week. i have balanced my checkbook-- i was only $7.01 off--in the banks favor of course. i made some important phone calls, and confirmed angies visit dates. woo hoo! that makes runnin out of time worthwile. but it only took like fifteen minutes to read and write a couple emails... so that's no excuse for not accomplishing my "list". nor does it make me feel one "iota" compensated for this damn burning in my back and neck that i have had goin on for the past three hours. OMG i think i may self combust at any moment. WTF people??? i know it's nerve pain, i also know little can be done about it. i just hate it hate it hate it. i have prolly od'd on muscle relaxers-- they've done nothing... well.. aside from the initial maybe half hour relief. someone please just kill me now.
ok-- i'll stop cryin. i just needed to bitch. you know how i am. just love me.
there is some good news to report-- ya wanna hear??? i am fixin to leave to go to hubbys work to pick up some paperwork---- that's why all the above whining sounded like my day was over--- even tho i don't head out for my child til 130.
-- what kind of paperwork? -- you may ask... well--- we've been workin on gettin a home loan.... i really hate to jump the gun--- especially after i was sayin what a realist i am the other day---- but yesterday , the lady i have been workin with sounded very optomistic about us gettin approved. and that was without paying anything off--or down. so if we hit a glitch, we are in a position to pay something off or whatever would help, ya know? soooo.... it looks like we are gonna be gettin into a house soon. our own house. wow-- it feels good to say that again. we've been renting for almost five years-- and each place has had issues. ugh. even the last place we owned had issues. talk about a money pit. i'm so ready to own my own house. i really don't want to get too excited too soon. or count my chickens before they hatch kinda thing. hell, we haven't even looked around yet. only maybe one place--til we realized it was way out in the sticks. hubby has looked at some.
crap-- i'm ramblin.. i gotta go-- i'll write more later on.

Monday, May 25, 2009

would i lie to y'all?

i told ya-- i get fatter by the damn day--
i think it has somethin to do with the blood clot-- or the coumadin.
the first pic is before the clot. also before my hair got out of hand -- ugh-

that is what i want to look like again.

this one--- i'm not too sure about , but i think it may be
last summer-
along with the "everyone bein home weight gain"
but i still fit in my clothes!

i weigh what i did before i got sick a few years ago when we moved to NM.
and it came on fast.
and i hate my hair.
i'm just miserable with my appearance and my lack of energy.

but-- there's good days, along with the bad.
sometimes i even feel like i lost a few pounds--
until the next day-- when i feel like i put on ten more pounds in my sleep !

so, there ya have it charlotte.
tell me i don't need a moo moo

i'm startin my diet tomorrow--
hahahahahaha, i know-- it's as funny to me as it is to you-
but it must be done. i just had to wait til after i had my baby back ribs--
and PB M&M's :))

hope y'all had good weekends, and start your weeks off on a good note!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

and the fatness rolls...

i have good news-- and i have bad news---
the good news?
i got a fishy-- i got a fishy--- la la la la la...

so anyhow--- yep i couldn't resist. all the talk about goin fishin, i just had to. so i did. i fished the creek first, and lost at least three or four. i think they were perch. they were just to sneaky. so i moved on down the road to the pond. it took a while, but i got me one.

not huge- but not bad either-
the fish, i mean.

ME, on the other hand -
am huge-- and bad.

(do i look fat when i fish?)

i sure wish i could figure out why, and do somethin about it.

i didn't feel to bad when i got home. not like lately.. bein all tired and ruined after goin somewhere-- especially fishin or shoppin or somewhere like that. so i told soulman i'd go see a movie with him while the girls shopped at the mall. but needless to say , in the hour or so it took them to finish gettin ready to go-- the more tired i got. so i back peddled my way out of that little deal. i just didn't want to spend ten bucks to sit in a theater and nap. which is what i knew would happen.
and that's about what i did too. as soon as they left i ate some lunch, and went to bed--- for hours. they left around noon--- i woke up at SIX !!! WTH is wrong with me lately. i wish i knew. seems like i wish i knew a lot lately huh? but, i know not a damn thing. not about me, or anyone else.

so tell me--- whatchya up to?
i'm just workin, and sleepin, and doin a little bit of fishin, a very little bit of catchin, havin some trouble sleepin at night-- prolly cuz i'm sleepin in the day... havin weird dreams--- the weird part of that-- is i remember them. i usually don't.
there's just weird stuff goin on. i reckon it'll change eventually-- all things do -- right?

welp peoples--- i think i shall attempt to go to bed. i think i was waking up pretty close to now this morning. how frustrating. i thought folks got more routine-ized in their old age. why am i so -- unbalanced all the time?? i wave hello00 at normal when i swing by --- and good- byeeee to normal as i pass on the pendulum, then rest at ok... rest at pretty shitty... swing by normal again... hellllooooo normal.
i could continue but i won't. i'll preserve any sanity of yours i haven't destroyed yet :))

gnight folks

Saturday, May 23, 2009

saturday slurrs

hello my pretties,

i have nothing to report today. yesterday was quite the boring and utmost of unproductive days for me. i had woke up way too early, so i had several hours to myself. which is actually how i like it to be. but just as i was starting on the business part of things, soulman said the magic words that stop me in my tracks every time.... " "do ya wanna go fishin for a while?"
"well hell. you know i do. lessgo!"
need i say more?
we fished for a couple hours at the pond-- neither caught a thing. we got home-- i began on my phone calls, and business stuff .... only to pass out shortly thereafter. thank God he was here to go get soulkid from school and take her to her dr appointment. cuz i was friggin comatose! i don't think i woulda woke up. i'm sure she -- or maybe even he would have called to make sure i was up/ or ok if i was late - but still, that didn't make me feel better about getting so exerted so easily these days.
i have noticed that i have been much more quick to tire since i had the blood clot. i mean physically. i run out of breath more easily. i get really really worn out doing small tasks, like just dishes, or cooking-- i guess the standing does it. standing has bothered my back for many years, but now, it feels like i have been jogging for a couple miles just to stand up for half an hour.
it really bothers me. i'm the engine that keeps this train runnin... soulman is the caboose that kicks me in the rear to keep me goin. i'm afraid i'm runnin out of steam... maybe for good this time. i think i shoulda gave myself more recovery time after i blew the clot. i really do. but i always have to challenge myself. or prove myself. and y'all know this passed couple years... i always land flat on my back when i do that. how much more stupid can i get.
don't answer that. we all know. i have a major move comin up-- so i can get a lot stupider-- and will.
it's already affecting my sleep---again. if you can tell. these past few nights-- or more. or maybe it's been in patches, hell i don't know. but i am starting to get on mmy weird sleep pattern again. up at 2 or 3 a.m. again. , i think recently i was sayin somethin about not takin naps anymore-- well.. they---re baaaack. 3 and 4 hour naps. it seems only when soulman is home tho-- so i know soulkid is ok. or if she is at school she'll get picked up if i don't wake up. but yep. this is not the way i want to live . maybe i'm just mentally overwhelmed? at all this house stuff. the packing, looking, moving, money, soulkid whining...not here-- this one--i dont like it--i want this one-- ya know?? not to mention--- this next house really has to be the last. i don't have another move in me. i really don't. the last two nearly killed me. actually the last three. when we left here to go to new mexico-- i worked myself nearly to damn death-- literally. one night i collapsed like a rag doll on the hallway floor. out of pure exhaustion. ughhhhhhhh. i hate to move. my gawd i hate it with every fibre of my being. but, i also hate living in a house that doesn't feel like home too. the past many years has felt like moving when i was a kid-- just moving and moving and moving just to find a place to live-- somewhere we could afford... and temporary. this time-- i want to find my home. i want it to reach out to me, and tell me it is my home. that it is where i will stay. that i can unpack , and decorate, and be comfortable. that i am finally home. ya know. i've only felt that once in my entire married life. it was our first home we bought together. we all loved that house. my heart was in it. i haven't put my heart into any other house since then. and it's been obvious.

and why i am going on and on and on about this drivel i have no clue-- it just kinda fell out. sorry.
i shall get mo coffay, and maybe have somethin else to talk about on my return.

hmmm... i have returned , yet i have nothing new to say.
well, except that i didn't buy a new coffee maker yesterday. i didn't do much of anything yesterday. the main productive thing i did manage to do was figure out the best bills to pay to better our credit scores to be approved for a home loan.
i tried for the past three days to get a hold of the woman i'm supposed to be workin with on this crap-- but i keep missin her-- and she's not returning my calls. soooo, i think i will have to find someone else-- or go with the guy hubby has been talkin to. i want to get the pre approval..blank check in hand so we can move on. i want to know for a fact that we are fully ready to forge on. ya know? it is definitely a buyers market out there right now. we drove around yesterday for a while lookin at houses... we saw some awesome homes-- in very nice neighborhoods... the signs out front would say "from the 240's.. we'd drive in and drive around and see homes for 150 !! in neighborhoods with fishin ponds even. a few of the houses backed right up on the could open your livin room or kitchen window and look out at the water. y'all know we'd love that.
but the way i am... i just feel hesitant without the check in hand. i hate to get my hopes up--only to have them shattered.

welp-- i reckon that's all i got for now--
ore vois peeps :))
happy saturday

Friday, May 22, 2009

my coffee maker has died -- funeral at noon

it came as no surprise this morning , while my dear friend coughed and sputtered her last gurgle as she spit out her last bit of coffee. but still, my heart is broken. she has been there for me every time i have needed her, morning , noon , and night. she has awakened me on the tired and painful mornings that i awoke way too early for anyone's good. she has been there to pep me up in the afternoons when i knew i didn't have time to take a nap. she's stood at the ready to help soothe atrocious migraines whenever i asked her to. she has been there to fill my thermos for the early morning fishing tournament, or the zero dark thirty road trip to somewhere.
until---- this passed week. she became ill. an electrical problem? perhaps. very likely. maybe even a leaky internal component that may have damaged something integral, or pertinent to her life. but the illness began with no warning, just a sudden problem with massive leakage onto the counter upon brewing. from there it worsened, until the last two or three days, she began to brew for only a few seconds, then shut down; and have to be re-started. sometimes two or three times before the cycle would complete the full cycle for a pot of coffee.
this morning, she has been declared dead. time of death, 3:33 a.m it was earlier-- but that that just sounds like a good time to use).
age: 1.5 yrs. survived by soul, and soulman.
this coffee maker was possibly the fist purchase that the soul-couple bought when they felt rich, and now, she must be replaced. ASAP. soulman is not as dependant on the morning coffee at home, as he works, and leaves home early enough to get coffee somewhere before a headache sets in. soul doesn't have that option-- or willingness. 3 a.m is just too damn early to go to the store for one pitiful cup of coffee. it just does not happen. it wouldn't happen even at 6 a.m - even tho the soul's do happen to own the below apparatus's that will make perfectly fine coffee at any time-- except soul is too spoiled to use them.

or perhaps just too lazy? but regardless, they sit in the pantry, while she fights with a dead-- or dying coffee maker.
soooo... today, it looks like she will be purchasing a replacement for her automatic coffee maker. hopefully one that won't die in a year or two.

k, so anyways, what else do i have to say??? not a lot at the moment.
i could tell you about all the important stuff i blew off and didn't do yesterday. but i won't do that. i want y'all to think i'm doin all kinds of work out here and staying busy. :)) even when i'm not.
well i do alot-- i just don't notice it. i did do some stuff yesterday-- but much of it was on the phone-- or paperwork crap-- like bills, and money stuff, and juggling crap. etc. then i slept a lot-- cuz i was just flat out tired. guess it's stress . i don't know. but i have been really tired lately. for a while i wasn't hardly sleepin at all, even at i need a nap by like ten a.m. wth??? why can't i just be normal???
so anyhow today, i gotsta play catch up. with lotsa different things. and i know i'm gonna be whooped, cuz i woke up at like 130. dammit. where ARE my fairies???
if you see them , send them my way eh?

happy friday y'all

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

to fish , or not to fish, that is the question

i got nuthin today -- or yesterday either. i'm blogless. i've just been busy-- and y'all know what comes after busy for me, right? yup--- recovery. a state of vegitatation. which obviosly doesn't leave me with much to talk about -- or blog about. lots to whine about i'm sure. but, that obviously gets tiresome -- for all of us, me included.
but i still try. to keep you updated, and even sometimes, entertained. i'm afraid i'm failing at both lately.

i did manage to complete the rom of doom last night-- i can't believe how fast i got it done. i thought it would take days. well... techincally it did take 2 days.. but it was actually about three hours the first day, and maybe an hour or an hour and a half last night. so if my back wouldn't have gone out on me it woulda been done the first day.
i'm quite proud of myself for that task. everyone else was afraid to touch sat locked down for months. i was refusing to do it out of protest-- due to the fact that i did it ;ast time--only for it to resemble the same hell pit in less than a week! this time soulman said he would do it "before she got out of rehab"- but he never got to it. and since she got out -- he works all day, then takes her to a meeting -- or somewhere else almost every night-- so it's always "i haven't had tiiiime". and you know-- to even attempt to tell her to do it-- ha! that's just funny. the room she lives in now-- looks the same or worse than the one i just finished. i refuse to do it. i told her she's gonna lose her bedframe first-- so she can't stuff everything under it-- then if i find she's stuffin crap in the closet it will be nailed shut-- thennnn, if she crams shit in the dresser? it goes next. she won't have anywhere else to shove stuff. and will be forced to learn to clean. how a person does not know how to clean is simply beyond my reasoning.
sure, i get lazy-- for a day or two. or i get tired or sore-- for a few days... but really that is all i can stand. and when i clean.. i clean. i don't just find holes to shove shit in. what is up with THAT??
someone call me a supernannny!

so anyways. this weeks weather has been wonderful, and i have spent it working. and recovering. one of these recent days after working in the kids room, my back was out-- i laid in bed at four and didnt get up til the next morning. ugh.i definiely should have fished this week by now. it won't be long before i'm cryin about not goin. i really should save the cleanin and crap for a bad weather day. call me anal.
i'm just set on gettin started on this place. and i was thinkin.. even if we have to stay here another month to pack, or find a place.. or finish up--or close on a house-- or whatever-- i can't waste time on a hunch. things could fly through. there's a chance we could be ready to get out of here by the 1st of july. if that happens and we've been sittin our thumbs. then we're screwed. so -- it's work work work.
when i ever have a deadline in anything-- i just get a sense of urgency-- or panic, and i just can't help myself but to go wild, and i get monofocused.

so anyhow--- what else-- aha-- we have food in the house-- that's a good feelin. we were down to nothin. i hate it when that happens. and hubbys diet makes it hard for me to shop now too. so i kinda dread it even more. can't get this, have to get that, blah blah blah.

oh speakin of his diet-- i'm jealous, as i sit here getting fatter by the second for no reason.
he was in the kitchen the other night, helping soulkid get something to eat. a couple seconds later she comes runnin in my room lauging..

"omg , mom, dads pants just fell off !!! all the way to the floor ! LOL"
i said .. OMG-- did you see anything? LOL...
she said , no, thank God.. i would have been scarred for life!"

god we laughed about that. how funny.
in a way it's good though-- not only does he need new pants, but even a new belt now. i'm jealous. i wanna lose my extra baggage teeewww.

hmmmmmm.... what else???
why do people find it neccessary to move magazines? i have magazines that i didn't read the first time around-- and now i want to pack them. wth. all they do is gather dust.
and printers that i don't use.. that may even be broken.. hell if i know... i just can't part with them... "i may need them someday"
paid bills--- bulky unneccessary papers-- millions of them... can't part with them tho-- WHYYYY??? tell me whyyy.
i have boxes of crap like that that i just keep on haulin around ...
does anyone else do that?? well.. i bet no one else moves every other year. do you?
i'm so sick of moving. this next move better be the last. every move we make takes about five years off my life.

oh hell.. how could i forget this-- soulkids TB test was negative, just like i thought. but of course they had to scare the crap out of me to get there. first, the lab gal looks at it. hmmm... she decides she needs a second opinion, so she gets another lab gal... then she says she isn't sure either-- cus it's a little red... she's gonna go get the dr. to have a look. ugh. i don't think i've held my breath that long in a while. so then the dr. comes in , and has a look, rubs it. presses it. blah blah. oh it's fine, it's not raised, no bump. it's negative. (SIGH) (exhale) -- ugh. i was pretty sure it was negative anyhow-- but i hate it when they play head games like that.
as far as the other blood work , it's not back yet. it was testing for anemia, hypoglycemia, and stuff like that..maybe diabetes too. not tb. but i'll let y'all know if anything shows up.

so. i got to talk to angie on the phone for the first time yesterday. that was cool. we were just trying to decide on the timing, and what we were gonna do while she is here. things are still up in the air. that tends to happen when ya gots kidz. so we're waitin on those arrangements to get settled before we set our dates in concrete. i can already tell we're gonna have a blast while she's here. whether we work or not.

so anyways-- that the deets in soulland for now-- anything is subject to change at any given moment--
like the fact that i was backwards on the new carpool arrangements-- i am the after school ride - not the to school ride. bummer. but yesterday and today-- i am both. lovely.
can y'all believe that school is almost OUT?? ugh. i can't. i think summers for kids outta school is just too long. too much time for their little minds to wander. my kid got in so much trouble last year. omg...i dread this one. i'm still not comfortable letting her hang out all night at other kids houses all night-- or even for an afternoon.. or to go to a concert-- or anywhere really. but i can't sit on her for three months. i can see it's gonna be a stressful summer. maybe getting and decorating a new house will help her, having a new focus??? i hope so.

ok, i'm rambling.. so i shall shut thy mouth

Monday, May 18, 2009

post weekend wrap-up

or would that be - post weekend whinefest? i reckon we'll all figure that out in a minute, or two. i haven't barely touched my computer in days. very minimally. especially in comparison to many other days that i spend more time on this thing than off. but anyhow-- it's been from one extreme to the other around here since friday-- but it still feels like i haven't accomplished anything. i hate it when it gets like that. (i also hate these cigarettes that destinguish every thirty seconds all by theirself-- just in case you wondered) .

so anyhow-- friday i took the child to the doctor. the plan was to take her for a lingering cough. she'd been coughing for litteraly weeks. 6-8.. somewhere in there. i guess a day or two -- y'all know my time frame is never correct--i live in limbo -- but one time before i made the appointment for the doc -- she tells me that her boyfriend has been coughing up blood !!!! oh well, isn't that special?? my first thought is TB. so i make the appointment on thursday , and was able to get her in on friday a.m. that was quick. i guess they don't mess around with contageous deadly diseases eh? or i should say the suspicion of. they tested her of course-- and out of the many tests that i've had-- from what i can see , and i look at it often-- it appears to be negative. i do wonder why a teenage boy would cough up blood though. that really worries me-- for him AND for her. but anyhow-- she kept feeling and looking sicker that day-- so i kept her out of school, and went on home with her rx's .. antibiotics and cough pills. she seems pretty good over the last couple days..she even cleaned up her room last night. hopefully the antibiotics will work, and kick this thing-- cuz it is contageous--whatever it is-- cuz i have it now. i have felt like crap all weekend. that sack of rice kinda feeling. and cough. no puking or anything-- but i wouldn't know if i had a fever even if i did have one. because of the addisons' i never run a temp--at least not a readble one. she had one on thursday though - and through the night-- but of course at the dr-- she did not.

as for me? i'd already felt bad/sick for a day or two-- mostly just that weak rice bag feelin. saggy, ya know. and tired. i slept a lot in my free time. then yesterday i finally felt good enough to try to get some work done around here. well, thursday i worked too-- but i felt so crappy i broke out in a sweat just standing/washing dishes. i mean a lot of sweat. i felt horrible. then yesterday-- i worked in the room of doom and gloom. which would be soulkids old bedroom. which was such a friggin disaster, that when she came home from rehab, we locked her out of-- and moved her into the "guest room". soo i finally decided that the time was now to get that room cleaned, and packed, and ready for my pal angie-- the great organizer -- dah dah dah-- dah dah-- to sleep in while she is here. i am so stoked about her comin out here. i don't even care if we work. sure it would be great to have her super human organizing skillz to take over my mind at packing time. but it isn't neccessary . we have talked of meeting for quite a while. i just can't believe the time has come, and reallly i don't want it to be a business trip. ya know. so i think we'll just play it by ear. we'll prolly get bored enough to get something done-- but i aint kilin either one of us with this sortin and packin stuff. i'm sure glad she likes to fish tho-- cuz really fishin , eatin , and movies, is all i know what to do around here. (how bout you angie? i hope you're thinkin :))

oh ya-- so anyhow-- i was cleanin the hell room, and after 2 or 3 hours -- i pulled a damn muscle in back and side. must have been some kinda twisting motion thing. i had to stop workin. damn it hurt all friggin night long. so hopefully i can get it done today. that , and my kitchen and good lawd--- i must get groceries. i have no clue how we survived the weekend without shopping. talk about creative cooking. hubby gets off at around noon today tho-- so hopefully he will go with me and help me. it really sucks bein all limited like this. i never really thought i would get to the point of needing help to grocery shop. how sucky is that.? it really really REALLY is gettin to me as i watch myself deteriorate over the months and years, as i tack on more and more limitations onto my daily life. ugh. i feel every second of my age-- but at the same time-- i still feel too young to feel this way. and even worse when i realize how young i was when it all began. 25. that just sucks.

hmmm... does anything not suck today? umm, yes. of course.

"i'm good enough,
i'm smart enough,
and doggone it,
people like me"

(Al Frankin, of SNL )

i love that skit-- as much as i hate affirmatiions, that one makes me laugh. i know it's meant to be funny, but it's just hilareous to me sometimes. cuz he's really such a geek , and ya know he's really a loser, that no one gives a damn about. anyhow... yes i do find dumb stuff funny. maybe that's what keeps me laughin at myself. cuz if i couldn't laugh at my half ziggy half schleprock self ... no one knows where i'd be right now. so i just try to shake it off. some days it takes longer than others to do that-- but i'm noticing that more days than not -- it doesn't take so long to just let shit roll of my back. complacency? or healing? whatever it is, i don't mind.

catch you peeps latah--

todays plan of the day?
take kid for PPD readin (TB test read)
then to school.
then home to finish the room of doom
clean my kitchen
grocery shop
pay my late bills i never got to :((
and hopefully be done by 230---
yep-- i have an arrangement -- i drive mine and two others to school, and another parent will be bringing them home. i'm so thrilled. thAT middle of the day - stop what i'm doing, to pick up kids, really screws things up sometimes. so , woo hoo for that little trade off.

anyhow-- i must go
have yourselves a happy monday
i'll be around on smoke breaks--if i have time for any.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

thunderstormin thursday

will i ever get to go fishin again??? this is gettin downright depressing! if it isn't windy, it rains. if it isn't one or the other of those, i have an appointment. this just isn't right. i carried my rods and tackle in my car for over a week , until like yesterday or the day before, i finallly took them out , and into the garage they went. only God knows when i will fish again. in fact i can hear the weather in the other room right now. all i hear is showers/ thunderstorms-- every damn day-- all the way through the weekend. the temps are hot as hell, and no it doesn't rain all day. sometimes the eves are actually kind of nice-- if it isn't windy. but even so-- if the nights are good enough to fish-- something else is goin on, or i'm just too exhausted to go. so anyhow-- enough of that, i spose. just had to get my non-fishin rant out of the way.

as for lunch yesterday-- that didn't work out too well either. on the there-- jlee got hung up in traffic and construction hell. so she was a few minutes late. then just after we got our coffee at starbucks-- which is usually where we get our catchin up done-- soulkid called me to tell me she was gettin out of school early--in like ten minutes. there i was like fourty minutes away. so i had to leave right away. we only got to spend like half an hour together and that was mostly eating. so that didn't work out too well. but there's always next time, and it was good to see her.
on our way out-- it looked like she got out of the construction mess alright-- but me on the other hand-- even with my GPS-- didn't realize i was supposed to go east to catch west-- thought i was goin the wrong way-- so ended up goin in circles for half an hour-- until i finally stopped disagreeing with the GPS , and went the way it said to :)). -- so i was late gettin my kid.. ugh. and of course she called me three times on the way-- while i was already frustrated.. where are youuuuu??? ugh. kids.

it was a pretty uneventful evening at home, just dinner, cooked by hubby, and american idol. which i was pissed at. i can't believe adam pukeburt got to the finals. he is sickening to me. but obviously others like him. i like danny boy better tho. my fave all the way thru has been -- would you believe i can't think of his name-- of course you would-- but the other guy who got thru-- i really hope he wins it-- i really like him. and the judges have given him a hard time.. as they tried to push adam lambert thru. i really don't know why. a "rock god??" oh lawd. he makes me wanna puke. but anyhow. it's almost over-- and the album sales will show the better singers. and even tho dany got pushed out-- he may just do better than any of the three. he was really good.

ummm... i can't think of anything else cuz i'm gettin pressed for time-- almost time to take soulkid to school.
no big plans today--i don't think. just housework and bills etc. gotta rob peter to pay paul, that kinda thing. and prolly get some food in this place...before the rest of the clan decide to turn to canabilism and eat me.

happy thursday peepps--

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

humpday hagathon

eevee update--- she does have a tumor. we just don't know if it is benign or not. i wasn't there, but the way i understand it is this is one of those things.. just like with people, i reckon, that it could go either way. the older the dog, the higher the chance of malignancy. bad thing? well.. worse than that possibility--- they want almost 900.00 for the surgery. to remove it. ugh. we don't have it. the other "owners" said in the contract that they would pay any vet bills that weren't due to negligence. obviously, this is not our fault. it's not like we let her out to be run over or something. so we are hoping they will cover the expenses. we are also hoping that whatever it is it is benign. of course no testing will be done on the tumor til it's out of her. so-- again... we wait, and worry.

as for me--- my mamogram and ultrasound crap-- i'm just trying to put on hold til i can get to a different dr. this week sucks as far as the cash flow goes. ugh. soulkid got 61.00 worth of fillings yesterday-- and dear ole mom got 120.00 worth of meds. aint it great??? not even good meds . bummer.

what else? oh! i think i have mentioned it here-- but maybe not. anyhow-- i know i have bitched about the weight gain. well, i checked online a couple weeks ago or so to see which , if any of my meds could be doing it-- and coumadin was one i looked up--- even though i have told the dr i suspected the coumadin of causing the weight gain, headaches, and even the being over tired -- they deny it. but there are places online - like message boards-- people have gained as much as sixty pounds on this crap--- in a hurry. 4 , 5, 6 months. i think i was at like my 3rd or 4th month on it, when i noticed the weight gain. i suspected the headaches first-- cuz they were daily when i first started takin this. neuro said-- no, can't be. well... hello--- hundreds of other people have all my symptoms---and more. so WTF??? i'm not gonna wait for any of these dumbass dr's to clear me to go off this shit-- i'm takin myself off, as of right now. i'm so pissed off i could scream. it even causes depression, and confusion-- 2 of the reasons i went into the nuthouse-- thinkin it was the chantix. maybe it wasn't the chantix that made me crack up-- maybe it was the damn coumadin... and i was almost quit. ugh. i hate meds-- and i hate dr's... and it really really sucks that i have to depend on both just to get theough the day. dammit.

so-- on that happy note--- i'm gonna take said meds-- excluding the evil coumadin. and hit the road. i have errands to run, stuff to do, and i'm actually havin lunch with a friend today.
could it be i'm getting somewhat normal again?
now all i need is for the damn wind to stop blowing, and a day without rain. i'll be set---

later peeps---
happy humpday!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

random tuesday stuff

want some laughs? click on the above link and listen to the sounds of mental cats, singing birds, mice , rats, and a whole bunch of other animals and birds. i only listened to a few-- but the cat ones got me laughin.

so, anyways.... here i am. happy tuesday folks.
a couple of peeps want to know what i found out at the doc yesterday. well... the first thing i found out ? was that the friggin appointment was for a PAP ! surprise! i was thrilled, dontchya know? ugh. a fate worse than death for me. if i woulda known that was what the appointment was for? i woulda canceled in a heartbeat. it wasn't even scheduled til next month sometime. was i pissed? oh you know i was. but-- i spose that's one of the many joys of bein a woman. humileation and torment. but, i was there, and it decided to go on with it. even though i wanted to run out the door as fast-- ok, faster , than i came in it.

so anyhow-- since i wasn't gonnna get any answers or comments on the ultrasound... i went down to records and got a copy of the ultrasound report. then of course, you know when i got home, i made myself a date with doctor goooooogle. my best friend, and my worst enemy.
from what i read -- both on the report, and on google-- i have come to one conclusion. that is to get a second opinion -- from a REAL doctor. one who doesn't shove 250 patients through the office like a heard of cattle every day. i'm not comfortable with the report-- or the damn radiologist not talking to me about it.
and--- that is as much as i will say about this on here until i know more.

aside from that? hmmm..
oh! Eevee , is finally going to the doggy doc for her breast lump. if you could call it that. it's very concerning, and i am glad she will finally get checked out. we are hoping it's only a clogged duct? a cyst? anything but cancer-- but-- as you know-- i am ME , and anything is friggin possible. it's the curse you know. but i will keep you advised on that one.
and for those who don't know...

THIS, is evee:

i hope she's ok.

oh yes... i almost forgot -- josie asked when we are supposed to move... that would be on or before july 1st. and i have some good news as far as that goes--- i got my VA home loan certificate in the mail yesterday. y'all know what that means, right? well, it means we are well on our way to buying our own house !!! i just need to pay off a couple credit cards, clear up some errors, of course pay a collection or two---- and we will get our house. so see??? life doesn't suck completely in my world. only partially. and only part of the time. things are lookin up. life's funny that way around here-- just seems to balance out sometimes, or somehow, once in a while.

so anyways-- i think that's it for the soul news o' the day.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds...

Monday, May 11, 2009

it's monday again --

it is also raining again. why am i not surprised???

anyhow -- i hope everyone had a great mothers day-- mine was good. i spent it fat, dumb , and happy.

plans for today? i get to enjoy a thrilling ride to dallas -- in rush hour traffic. i am so excited i could pee myself!!!
yep -- back to the VA. and i knew nothing about this appointment until friday. maybe thursday, but i'm pretty sure it was friday-- at the end of the day. so i didn't have any way to find out exactly what it was for, but i'm sure it is about the ultrasound i had there last week. one dead give-away?? well, it's at the womens clinic. so, yep. not feelin to secure about this. it was a machine that called me, so obviously i had no way to ask any questions. guess i'll just show up and see what they have to say.
i've been pretty good about not over-researching, or blabbing to everyone--- well, unless you count blogging-- everyone. but here, i just write. sometimes to y'all sometimes it's just documentation , ya know? but anyhow-- unlike last time-- i haven't pulled the hubbys side of the family into it, or made a big deal of how i'm gonna die.. cuz honestly i don't feel it's that critical. hubby really is the only one i have talked to about it. and even that was minimal. it's more of a wait and see type thing. of course, it makes me wonder-- last time i thought it was bad-- and it was ok. this time i don't feel "as" worried, so it just makes me wonder ya know. never can tell with me. i'm one of those folks who trucks right along-- then has some unheard of medical symptom or crisis jump up and bite me. but for now-- still trying to be ok with it-- and just wait to see what they say. i should know in a couple hours-- cuz as i type this -- it is time to head out the door.

well i had more to say-- and it wasn't so down trodden... but i am outta time.

so-- i reckon i will write more when i get back. surely about how i was abused and mistreated at the VA.. and the road rage events of the day. :))

hope you all have happy days in your worlds -- i'm gonna try --

Sunday, May 10, 2009


this is for all the great moms i know out there in blogland-- which is well, all of you-- cept brad-- sorry bud. :)) i love you anyways--

i hope everyone has a great day !!!

i wanna know what peeps are doin today-
if anything-- or if nothing

we decided to go to a brazilian steakhouse-- one of those buffet things, that cut meat at your table, have a salad bar to die for, and feed you till you can't do anything else for the rest of the day-or night. i'm full already!!!! it's impossible to not overeat at this's just so good! ya wanna try everything-- and even just tasting everything leaves you full for three days.
why did i agree to this???
i guess cuz hubby didn't feel like grillin again, and i sure wasn't cookin :))
this is the place we took jamie and mark the first time we met, when they drove down here. she had the greatest slip of the tongue it left us all laughin for a couple days. but-- all i can say about that is ... i hope i don't forget my "green card" !!!! :))

anyhow---- not much happens around this place-- especially when there's no fishin goin on... so that's about all i got for now.

if anyone has a cleaning fairy or two tucked away somewhere-- send em my way.
the place looked pretty good a couple days ago-- geesh-- turn around, and it looks like hell ran through. WHAT is UP with that???
i swear, when we move-- i hope i have a kitchen with a door on it-- cuz i'm gonna lock the damn thing between meals !!!! evil? perhaps. but it's self preservation. so i don't care.

hope you all have perfect days in your worlds today



i hunted down this post, just cuz i wanted to share the busted crown part with someone who is having crown issues right now. but once i read through it-- i decided to post the whole thing. it's from our last years trip to our timeshare. i don't know if y'all remember it-- but it just goes to show ya-- it's time to lower my expectations... of everything concerning MY life :))

another soul vacation disaster 2008

Saturday, May 9, 2009

i am the walrus

koo koo ka choo

yup-- and i don't even like the Beatles. but that's what popped into my mind after dinner last night---

i am the walrus !


y'all think i'm strange sometimes??? hmmm. well you should share some time in MY head. gets a little scary sometimes. but it's kinda fun too. especially the stuff i don't share with others. i do amuse myself at times, but what i think is funny just might get me locked up someday. koo koo ka choo? :))

but anyways-- why the walrus? just to clarify... it was a blubber thing. a fat day, if you will. buying a set of scales has been on "my list" all week, but it's been a tired, crappy week, and i accomplished very little. and what i did manage to accomplish was next to miraculous. so i'll just be glad of that, and get the scales -- maybe today. ha! i'll get back to you on that. i also had mailing baby brody's "something" on my list for the last three or four days too--- guess who got delegated that fine duty? yup you guessed it-- good ole soulman. oooh-- i could text him real quick and have him get the scales too! there's a plan. did i mention that he's pushin thirty pounds? pure will power. no pills, no nothin. and that is sayin a lot for him. this is a guy who loves his food. he's been off carbs and sugar and between meal snackin for close to , or over two months. i say props to the big guy. so anyhow-- he wants scales to keep an eye on his progress-- and i want em to see how much of a walrus i really am. ugh.

i'm meeting JLEE for lunch next week.. she's gonna die when she sees what a whale i have become so fast. it hasn't been all that long since we've seen each other. 6 weeks, 8 maybe-- i"m not sure; i guess it has been a while. but i bet i've gained 20 pounds. it's ridiculous. maybe we should meet for dinner instead of lunch-- i may look thinner in the dark? i could wear black! :)) just kidding.

well anyways--- i spose i have little else to say before i start complaining. ummm, even more than i already have. sorry, it's my nature.
i'll be back later--- i don't know what other people do on wekends-- seems like not many - if any blog---- but all i do is blog or be lazy-- well, when i can't fish--- and wouldn't ya know it-- it's windy, again.

i love the wind
i love the wind
i love the wind

(do i need ruby red shoes for that to work, or will a fishin rod do ???)

happy saturday peeps

Thursday, May 7, 2009

i know, i'm a blog failure

i've had a migraine all day. tried to sleep it off after some a.m junk. didn't work.
picked up soulkid after school-- and went to wally hell... it couldn't be put off any longer. i should've taken her home first--- ugh. her presence cost me an extra 35 dollars, not to mention making my head hurt even worse.
luckily when we got home she helped unload the car. and once i got the crap put up, i found that i had one more imitrex shot for my headache. i was thrilled. i sat down, took the shot, and didn't move for the next 3 hours. now here i am.

wish i had more to offer ya-- but i don't.
that's my day.

hope yours was better.
maybe tomorrow i'll have more to say
laterz peeps

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

better late than lazy

todays post has been postponed until later today----

before THIS:

happens to me


i have things that i must actually accomplish today-- and it requires being clothed and leaving my house. bummer.

but i shall return, and i'll inform you all of the excitement of seeing the light of day :))

for now, ore vois :)) and happy humpday !!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

how bout some random crap about me to lighten the recent load of serious crap about me?

(tuesday post two-- watch out--she's on a roll)

65 random questions lifted from a pals blog

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair.
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? gray.
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes-ireckon i'd haveto-it's my hubby.
4. Do you plan outfits: noop, does it look like it :))!
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? like i should hunt down the train that hit me!
6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? the lid of a gaviscon bottle (for reflux).
7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? crap-- i don't remember many. usually only bad ones. yep it was a bad one--- soulkid was usin drugs, and i caught her. ugh. (she's not though-- she just hit 60 days---again.)
8. Did you meet anybody new today? ummm, no-- i haven't left my house yet. prolly won't either.
9. What are you craving right now? to be instantly back to my old weight before the mysterious instant blow up of "how ever many pounds" wth?.
10. Do you floss? i floss-pick---on occasion.
11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? "i've been meaning to get some cabbage to fry".. but i keep forgetting!
12. Are you emotional? if mood swingy is emotional, i am.
13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? when i was a kid. and maybe when soulkid was young , we did.
14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? depends on my mood..and type of ice cream, i spose.
15. Do you like your hair? depends. right now , i hate it!!!
16. Do you like yourself? not really. i think i was learning to-- but that kinda changed when soulkid began having problems.
17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? nooop. no desire.
18. What are you listening to right now? the hum of my laptop.
19. Are your parents strict? my mom sure was. kinda like the antichrist!
20. Would you go sky diving? i'd prolly be too afraid of hurting my back-- more. but i'd like to.
21. Do you like cottage cheese? Yep-- it's yummy with a hamburger patty!
22. Have you ever met a celebrity? i met jack palance in a grocery store in bakersfield , talked to him too... he was a nice guy. i've met a couple others but it would take too much time to think. maybe i'll come back to this one. or not.
23. Do you rent movies often? kinda.. . if weekly or every other week is often ,yes.
24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? not a twinkly , sparkly kinda gal.
25. How many countries have you visited?not more thinking! shot in the dark--- five.
26. Have you made a prank phone call? of course!
27. Ever been on a train? never. kinda want to though.
28. Brown or white eggs? i like em both-- kinda doesn't matter-- but brown actually taste a bit better---i think.
29.Do you have a cell-phone? it's all i have.
30. Do you use chap stick? or balm.
31. Do you own a gun? Noop. hubby does.
32. Can you use chop sticks? Noop again...i play around with em sometimes.
33. Who are you going to be with tonight? mostly myself and my pets-- hubby and child are going to aftercare. unless i go too and find somethin to do with hubby-- but i usually stay home.
34. Are you too forgiving? 98 % of the time i am. then there are times i have no mercy.
35. Ever been in love? Yep
36. Who is your best friend(s)? y'all know-- jamie
37. Ever have cream puffs? hmmm..i'm not sure. how's that? what's a cream puff? :))
38. Last time you cried? prolly before or in the nut house. (no offense)
39. What was the last question you asked? is that dog crap on the floor? (sad but true)
40. Favorite time of the year? oooh summer - fo shizzle..
41. Do you have any tattoos? yup-- got two.
42. Are you sarcastic? yes i am. it's part of my charm.
43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? yep-- one of my faves. i know-- bad acting-- but i like it anyways.
44. Ever walked into a wall? Yes i have--- sooooo many times it has become a family phrase when anyone does it.... "i/you Brezz'd the wall" . :))
45. Favorite color? navy blue/dark blue
46. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes i have. but it has been many years since.
47. Is your hair curly? no, but i have some vicious cowlicks.
48. What was the last CD you bought? gov't mule
49. Do looks matter? not so much-- mainly when hygiene is involved.
50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? i haven't had to face that -- so i don't know. for now i would say NO.
51. Is your phone bill sky high? usually-- mainly because we have only cell phones and a 15 year old. ERG
52. Do you like your life right now? Not much. but that's not unusual.
53. Do you sleep with the TV on? usually.
54. Can you handle the truth? Yes... much better than a lie. or silence. etc.
55. Do you have good vision? oh hell no.
56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? i don't "hate" anybody. i'm sure i dislike several peeps though. none of you though.
57. How often do you talk on the phone? i avoid it like the plague-- i text though.
58. The last person you held hands with? My hubby.
59. What are you wearing? black sweats and a plain white T shirt. and i'm roasting!
60. What is your favorite animal? dogs. even though we have cats too. i love them all. but our cats are destructive and vicious.
61. Where was your default picture taken at? it's soulkid--in my back yard
62. Can you hula hoop? oh hell no-- i'd throw my back out for sure
63. Do you have a job? yep-- gettin outta bed is a job! :))
64. What was the most recent thing you bought? yesterday, i bought a monster drink as i left the VA.
65. Have you ever crawled through a window? i'm sure i have-- when i was a ruthless child-- or locked out of the house.

welp-- there ya have it--- all kindsa boring and random stuff about me. hope you made it through it awake. :))

do i look fat when i whine?

hiya folks--- (ugh--happy mysterious underlining )

anyhow i've been thinkin about what to write this morning and it seems all i keep coming up with is this :

know why? cuz i'm a cry baby. that's why. everything i think of to write is complaining. should i go on? if i don't, i won't have a post. you want to hear it don't you?

i could start out with some good news first--- how bout that? ok.
my best friend just got introduced to her first grandbaby !!!! he was born last night.
i'm so happy for her. and for her daughter too. he's a boy-- the baby, i mean. his name is Brody. apparently he may have some problems, he was almost two weeks early, and i'm not quite sure yet what the problems are, but she did ask for prayers. so if y'all could , let's pray for little Brody. i can't wait to see a picture of him! i have a mental picture in my mind, and he's a pretty chunky fella in my head. i love fat babies. the ones ya just wanna grab and never let go.

me and my sis had fat babies and ya just couldn't help but grab those chubby lil things and tickle em til they laughed so hard they couldn't breathe.
brody sounds like a chunk. i can't wait to see him!

ok so anyhow-- where was i? oh ya.. i'm not gonna go into full detail.. cuz really-- i have NO detail. i do know some of you are wondering what--if anything i found out at the dr yesterday with the ultrasound tho. (i was gonna post before i left, but i left such a long blabbing comment in sundays box that i didn't bother to post-- i planned to post when i got back---BUT---) y'all know, i AM the queen of google, and since the asshats at the VA hospital said word ZERO... seriously-- nothing... nada...zilch... to me about the ultrasound.. other than i could leave now. ERG! i got home --- HOURS after leaving .. my appointment was at at 130-- i left at 1130-- i walked in the door at home at almost 6 p.m. see why i hate to go there??? absolutely HATE it.
so anyhow--- what did i do for the next four hours? yep , you guessed it-- i spent it on google. all i had to work with was my written report of the mamogram .
and, i don't know what to say from here... except that that when i was done last night- i came to two conclusions. i didn't have enough information to work with. and i am seriously thinking of getting a second opinion on the outside from a REAL dr. i saw the screen during the ultrasound, and compared it to some i saw i google--- i do not trust the VA at all. i don't even know why i let them do this in the first place. i have insurance and i have much better options--- that don't require the stress of driving to dallas and sittin in that hospital for hours upon hours-- only to be left wondering.
when i was in new mexico-- i had no insurance-- and i had no other options than to use VA. WTH am i thinking???

ugh. so anyways. that's about it outta me for now.

hope you all have happy days out there today-

Sunday, May 3, 2009

never on a sunday

happy sunday peoples---
hope your days have started on a good note.
i reckon i can't complain. well.. you know i could.. but i'll try not to. ha! that's a laugh. this entire post will prolly be complaining. let's just wait and see, shall we?

anyhow. shortly after my last post, i did remember what else i was gonna write about... but i just decided not to . i was tired. i don't even know why. i had my "list" and i was gonna get ready and go do my stuff. did i? nope. i did some stuff at home-- stuff that required little to no movement... then i piddled around on my laptop-- and soon after, passed out... for hours. ugh. i haven't done that in quite a while. at least not after a full nights sleep. which i got.
and one thing that was on my list--- or should i say-- has been on my list---- for weeks--- was a haircut. i truly intended to shower and go get that done. my hair looks like the damn wizard of oz scarecrow ! and i can't do a thing with it ! i hate it. and it hates me.

so anyways. i did absolutely nothing yesterday. i didn't even change out of my jammies. that is soooo bad. some of you know, that used to just be the way i lived sometimes--- but for a long time-- i have been somewhat normal. well, except for the few times i've been sick - in one way or another over the past many many months.

ugh Lord, this makes me need more coffee.
that's mo bettah. ahhhh.

i don't know where to start with this stuff.
have you ever been worried about somethin... but tried not to worry about it...or talk about it... or think about it...etc??? doesn't it just seem to make things worse??? well, that's some of what's goin on with me, and i think that's why i am tired a lot. it's mental stuff. maybe it's part of my scrambled thinking too.
the thing is, for the past week and a half, well, let me rephrase that-- a week and a half ago--- i had a mamogram.... it was stupid on my part to not have been having one at minimum once a year.. but actually i shoulda been gettin em, every six months until they told me different. i hadn't had one in over two years. which was actually better than i thought-- i was thinkin it had been three years. and i wouldn't have even had this one-- but the dr. set it up last time i saw him. ugh. but anyhow.
the day i had it done--- i already knew by the pictures that it wasn't right. and also--- i was told is wasn't right. most people get called back to do the magnified ones-- but i told her from the start-- i live too far away-- so if she has to do those -- do them "now" cuz i can't keep comin back every other day. so she did. after the radiologist looked at them... the films--- he confirmed what she and i both saw. microcalcifications. he said he wanted to do an ultrasound, before anything else. but that was right before we were gonna go out of town. if i woulda known it was gonna fall apart the way it did, we woulda cancelled and i'd prolly have some kinda answer by now. but --- when i got back, there was an appointment slip for me to go back (tomorrow.) aint that just peachy? thing is -- it says nothing about what the appointment is FOR! could be for the ultrasound. could be for a freakin biopsy. who the hell knows??? i really hate the VA hospital. they have no kind of direction or freakin personal skills whatsoever.
anyhow-- you may be wondering, why the concern. right? well, some of you might be-- cuz i think i mentioned this stuff before. but i think it was in 2005.. i got real sick, and lost like 40 pounds, and while they were running their gambut of tests--- they found microcalcifications at that time as well. in the opposite breast.
ok, so anyways. because i had so many symptoms.. we had good reason to believe i had cancer. we all freaked out. i had a lumpectomy, and they removed a lump "the size of a golf ball". i had no idea it was that big goin in. but , it was benign. phew.
soon after that, after more tests to find out what was wrong with me, i was diagnosed with addisons' disease. what a relief. after a short time on some meds i was feeling much better, and gained some weight, and regained energy-- i was back to myself in just a few weeks. but oh man... by boob hurt for over a year. i did not expect that. not at all.

soooooo..... here we are again. i really don't feel as worried as i did last time that it might be malignant--- mainly because i have gained weight this time-- i haven't lost an ounce. i didn't have any appetite last time-- to the point of having to drink stinkin boost or ensure. that surely isn't the case now. i guess my concern now is the surgery i may face. and the pain. and i guess everyone with cancer isn't underweight.
it's just another one of those medical things that happen.

is it cuz i'm me? wth? i honestly can't beleive all the medical crap that has happened to me in this year alone. seizures, that i never had before. a dvt with a lung clot. a stint in the mental ward. goin blind, losin my memory --worse than ever. losing my strength, and muscle. pain worsening, and spreading.
and this doesn't even include all the crap that we went through with soulkid. the stress of that alone almost killed me. i still haven't recovered. ugh.

i'm just too young for this shit. leave it to me to get the freakin swine flu too.
and people wonder why i sit paralyzed on some days. holy crap.

did anyone ever watch general hospital.. years ago--- like in 1982? or so? i think it was "heather".. she ended up in a nut ward-- all she did was sit in rockin chair, and stair out the window, singing to a rag doll... believing it was a real baby. she didn't speak or look at anybody. just that damn doll.

even then.. i said "that's gonna be ME someday. " holy crap peeps-- really ya gotta watch what ya say. i hadn't even had a "real trauma" yet. well, i did.. but i was a kid still. it seems that ever since then my whole life has been one tragedy after another.

but there's been good times too. don't get me wrong. i still have times that i believe my life will turn around someday and be ok again.

anyhow--- i'm gonna actually take a shower today, and get my rag mop cut, and clean up my pig sty, and do some other stuff. i'd go fishin but it's icky outside. again.

i hope y'all are happy in your worlds today
i am.. considering.
i'm actually used to this stuff. i'm tougher than most :))

Saturday, May 2, 2009

don't cast your pearls before swine

surely most of us have heard that phrase right? of course the majority have found a swine or two to cast our pearls before as well. right?
but, that's not really what i'm writin about. i'm writing more about the now well known "swine flu". WTH? it's damn near mass hysteria out here. they have closed entire school districts !!! and major public events... even cinco de Mayo ... there's gonna be some pissed off peeps.
soulkids school is closed , as of last night "for 7 to 10 days" . ooooh how fun. but better home than dead. she has already had a cold for well over a week so her immune system is weak -- which makes her susceptible already .

but there has been a couple deaths out here in dallas from this. it seems the ones who are getting sick /and or dying, are elementary school age kids. so far two, that i am aware of in this area.

how bout in your towns-- how are people acting-reacting?? any schools shuttin down? mass hysteria? events being cancelled?

this thing is seriously making me think of that movie "i am legend". kinda. just not so over the top.

on the news last night, they had people call in with short comments about the whole thing-- some guy said he thought it was a terrorist attack.. starting in mexico , and now spreading across the entire world. hmmmm. i just don't think so.

but i do hope something can be done about it-- very soon.

hmmmm... i had more to say--- not about this... just more to blab about-- but you know me---- i forgot.
maybe i'll come back later with it if i remember.

happy saturday peeps-

Friday, May 1, 2009

43 and holding -- forever... NO more birthdays for me !

well folks, i have just had my final birthday. i see no sense in celebrating this body of mine turning to mush one more year. every morning becomes more difficult and painful to roll out of bed, and into the kitchen -- or the back door to let the dogs out.
every year, it seems one or more pills is added to my cocktail of pills of a breakfast. but i can't move or think without them. hell, i don't too great with em either.
my vision and memory are going -- not even annually-- just going. on a regular basis.
so, i've called a stop to my birthdays. i need no more reminders of my age. i feel 89 -- so i'll just be whatever age i feel for that day.

i declared my last birthday on wednesday. my memory, and pain, and energy level were all so bad--- i called off the going out to dinner. not only for those reasons-- but also because it has become so routine. every year - for the past 17, that's what we do. we go out to some expensive meal, eat too much, come home fat and lazy, and bitch about about it for the next three days. so i said i didn't want to go out this time, i'd rather fish for a little while, have some steaks on the grill, maybe watch a movie --or go to one, maybe play a game. just a family night at home. we'd eat less, spend less, and not have to get dressed up--- or regret spending 150.00 bucks-- just to eat--well, over-eat. and then complain about how awful we felt whole rest of the night.

welp folks- i have to take the kid to school-- so i shall return soon.
there will be a short pause in your programming . :))

your short pause has turned into a three hour pause--- cuz i forgot i was posting ! so when i got back i started going over banks and payin bills, and makin business calls, all that fun stuff that takes me all day. i'm still actually in the middle of it, -- it's takin longer cuz all my bill bookmarks are gone, so i have to find them and bookmark em again. ugh. but then i remembered i needed to finish this post. i swear i have early altzheimers. i just don't like that word much.

which brings me back to my birthday. thanks again for all the happy birthdays. i know y'all have more important things goin on in your lives. so thanks for thinkin about me.

it was just a old lady day. hubby went out and got some really nice lookin--HUGE steaks. for some reason, i can control my eating at home better than i can when we go out. i seem to eat much more when we go out. dinner was delicious. but it lacked the usual cheesecake. i missed it too--- but hubby is still rockin on diet-- and he woulda been tempted, so it was ok. it was still good.
and one of soulkids friends came over-- she brought me a card-- and some peanut butter m&m's :)) so you know i pigged out on those --- behind closed doors. my secret love affair.
huby got me some real pretty roses-- i say thy're yellow with red--- he says they're white with red. one of us is color blind. :)) but they are gawgeuos , and he got me a talking card with mr rodgers on it-- which cracked me up.
we did go fishin, but not for long.. the wind was a bitch. and soulkid called about half an hour after we got there cuz she got out of school early. so he left to go get her. we had both vehicles, so i stayed for about another half hour or so-- and finally caught a fish. he's not much to speak of--- but he's a fish. my birthday fish.

i shall dedicate him to Debbie--- as her award she worked so hard to receive -

I read it ALL in one sitting


so yep that's my birthday.
i ate, i napped, i chilled, i got spoiled, hubby washed the dishes, made the coffee, grilled the steaks, (not in that order of course), and by the time it was over i was too old and tired and fat to play games and watch movies --- so i went to bed, just like the old boring hag that i am.

happy friday peoples !!!!