thanks for all y'all said yesterday. your comments really got me thinking. not in a bad way. well, not in a bad way about y'all , i should say. it of course made me feel a bit foolish about myself. a couple of you sounded a bit harsh. maybe you wanted to-- maybe you didn't .. but either way-- you said what i needed to hear. too bad i didn't say somethin like this BEFORE i deleted almost a year worth of my blog. damn. ya know, it;'s not so much the blog entries that i miss... but the comments. when i began this blog-- i was soooo a different person. mostly anyhow. i think the me that you know , was in here somewhere-- just asleep in there. ya know. but by writing, and eventually finding y'all.. or actually, many of y'all finding me... i woke up. i realized that i was still in there. that i wasn't just a shell of myself.. or at least i didn't have to remain that way. and i didn't want to.
i know that many of you are fairly new here , and many even came after i dumped (most of ) my blog-- and i know some of you have read from at least close to the very beginning. but either way-- ALL of you have helped me in ways that you couldn't even begin to imagine. in ways, each of you have made me laugh, or smile, or get out of the house, or do whatever it may have been at the time.. that before i wrote here-- i would have prolly never done before. y'all made it be ok for me to be ok with myself when i didn't feel well. and you made it ok for me to try new things when i did feel well. you motivated me when i didn't think i could crawl one more inch. and you let me know that it was ok to take a nap if my body said i had to have one--- that it didn't mean i was a bad or worthless person. when before-- if i napped, or couldn't get motivated, i felt like i was a waste of human breath-- or flat out lazy. rather than--- just a little sick. and that it was ok. y'all made it ok, for me to be the person i am. on any given day. and yes , some days are better than others-- just do what i can on whatever day i can do it on. don't overdo it on days i can't or shouldn't. and don't feel guilty for not bein the healthiest of healthy. that was a huge start to get me where i am. these days-- i can't believe that i go fishing alone-- much less even sometimes, will check the mail on the street!
for the first time in many many years i felt understood. i felt accepted. and it was amazing. it was life altering, for me. nothing happened overnight... yes i faltered back and forth in my trust level. and that part really hasn't changed. but then again , trusting people has never been one of my strong suits anyhow.
but ya know.. y'all are right.. this blog isn't a popularity contest.. and i really can take or leave people if i choose. this is my blog, and i didn't start it to make friends. although, i have. i really really care about so many of you. in the beginning, i had NO idea that could even happen here. much less that it ever would. i do take it too seriously sometimes. obviously that needs to change. and it will.
i think i will start by removing my links list-- it's there for me and my horrible memory-- no other reason. it's not there to show how many pages i go to. so don't take it personally when you don't see your page listed.. i'm still readin.. and you'll still see me... if someone is lookin for a page you go to from here -- just ask, i'll give you the link.
so anyhow--- i got up too early and am losing my train of thought as alarm hell begins ... so i will take that as my cue to shut up.
thanks for puttin up with me in times of mass confusion.
and just to clear somethin up-- you'll still see fish pics and picture posts-- cuz that's just what i do sometimes-- i always have-- it's when it's all you see for a week, is when you might begin to worry. k?
anyhow-- you all really do ROCK... you are awesome... and don't take anything i said yesterday personally-- i'm pretty sure most of the peeps that "offended me" to that point, don't really come around much anymore-- if at all. so it's all good. i just still have a bit of a resentment-- and it is mainly towards myself. for screwin up my blog.. among some recent crap here.