Tuesday, October 14, 2008

respectfully request permission to get off my ass , sir!

happy tuesday peoples-- it IS tuesday? ya. ok. dammit. i can't keep a thing straight anymore. ugh.
in case you didn't notice-- last nights' post-- yep-- sleep blogging. sorry. gotta stop that. wth is wrong with me? i just try to keep up with people and seem to just make more of a mess of things. but hey.. i'm workin on that. guess ya couldn't tell by recent posts, but i am.
actually, maybe ya can't tell by anything.. but i am. i really am trying to change things, work on things, make things better. etc etc etc. i just don't know if i'm making any progress. i can only hope that i am.

i had a very interesting conversation with my soulkid yesterday. a few actually. i won't go into detail. but i will say--- i see progress in that kid that is truly amazing to me. WHEN-- or IF- i allow myself to realize just how new she is at this "gettin clean" thing. she's really just a baby. maybe two weeks clean? tops. wow. i remember my first two weeks. and booze is much easier to get than drugs-- or at least i would assume so. who even knows anymore. but i know the temptation is there for her. i know she wants to use. and i know it isn't easy for her to not.
but she isn't, and it's tough. for all of us. her mood swings can be insane at times. but once we realized it was withdrawl, and not some behavioral -- or mental thing.. it's getting easier.
and she is getting easier to talk to-- and with. i am not sayin that i don't think she won't ever use again. but i sure hope she doesn't. i think she has a really good start. she has a good support system. and it was wonderful to talk the way we did together yesterday. not once did she raise her voice to me. that was a first-- in literally months.

so anyways--
that's that on that.

and now--- i have to get the hell UP. i slept late -- again today. that's been hapennin a lot lately. well.. on days i sleep i should say. but i'm talkin sleepin til, 9, noon. that just never happens for me. i am totally exhausted. and like i said-- sleep bloggin lately too. and sleep posting-- of all things last night-- apparently hubby rescued me..again. but hey-- at least i wasn't smokin! :))

but as for now-- soulman is at his ortho appt-- and for all i know they could be puttin a pin in his hand--and here i am, sittin on my dead ass. i didn't go with him, cuz i have ten thousand things to do. things that i am waaaay behind on. such as bills, mailin stuff to people-- that SHOULD have been mailed weeks ago. i STILL have not got a haircut! i started bitchin about my hair at least 6 weeks ago-- just imagine how sick of it i am right now. ugh. but, what do i do? i just sit here and stare blankly at the wall, or the black tv screen.. and do nothing. holy crap. somebody send a cattle prod !

so, for those who care-- i am gonna clean myself up-- run my errands, pay my bills, mail my crap--or "yours" whichever... then come back and clean my friggin sty and do laundry, --- by then it will be time to get my child. then i have to bring her home and get myself to an appointment-- and after that-- the plan is to meet back up with the soul clan, and see a movie and have dinner later after hubby gets off work and picks up z child.

see? the day is full.. and i am still in my jammies. what a laze.

but-- my appointment today is with my shrink-- and i am gonna discuss this med crap-- cuz i really don't think it's workin for shit. i'm just as screwed up as i would be if i wasn't takin anything at all. but-- it's ok. i have a good doc, and she'll take care of me. let's just hope she don't lock me up---
kidding.. i'm not that bad-- anymore. maybe a week ago. but not today.

anyhooooo i really gotta get off me arse and accomplish something. for me.. it seems that is what makes me feel the best. just doing, and seeing, and feeling... something.

i will see you folks later--
happy days to all of you--