Thursday, February 22, 2007

aching muscles and ADHD dogs

nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
guess I'll go eat worms
big ones little ones, ushy gooshy smooshy ones
worms that like to squirm.

yep, another stupid song stuck in my head...AND my dumbass dog yapping constantly in the back yard. someday someone is gonna call the police or animal control on me because of her. she is so stupid. a few days ago..i don't know why i always say a few days ago...or the other could be three months ago and i'll say the other day...this time it was probably last week...but anyways... i went out to call my dogs in...which i really need to do right now before i have a stroke due to the constant head reeling yapping of that little stupid dog!
PHEW... ok, ... anyways... where was i..ok... last week sometime..i went to call them inside, and they didn't come....i called several times, and usually , at least one of them will come if the other is preoccupied...or doing something wrong. so when neither one came after i called them three or four times, i got worried, and went over to the side of the house where i couldn't see, and i found them BOTH...chewing on a freshly killed bird !!!!! my guess is that the min pin did it...because my lab , not only is she just too slow and old... she has lost most of her teeth too... the min pin is very fast and wild and can jump probably four feet or higher if she wants to. but it was pretty gross...and sad too...for the bird i mean. so i..ya, me...had to pick up this dead bloody his foot..ICK..and toss him over the fence...where my husband was...cuz he went to the front yard to see if the dogs got out over anyhow he tossed the bird in the trash over there. and i put the dumb dogs in the house.
blech. what if they get bird flu. ewwwwe.

ok, anyhow. what the hell am i babbling about. i don't even know. i feel like utter hell. i have for like a week. not just cuz i smoked. i just feel BAD. i'm having anxiety attacks, headaches, i'm tired, just icky feelin. i think i need to sleep for like twelve hours, but i can't even take a decent nap. i think i took a nap a couple times this past week,or so, but neither was longer than maybe 45 minutes. what happened to my three hour naps i was beating myself up over??? i sure could use one now.

i could also use some sort of pain killer. i have nothing stronger than tylenol, and i do believe that i am truly immune to it. it does nothing at all for me. it doesn't matter if i take two, or three, or four. it won't even touch a minor headache, not to mention back pain, or the pain i'm having now. i hurt EVERYWHERE. mainly my head...i have a migraine.. i will be taking an imitrex shot for that soon tho, soo that will be ok shortly. but man i tell ya, my back, legs, and arms...even my butt cheeks... don't ask me how my butt is sore... but i did some MAJOR scrubbing of toilets, floors, tubs etc yesterday, and boy am i paying for it today. i told ya i wasn't the best housekeeper... well, i'll tell ya... and i'm embarrassed to admit, but my bathrooms were very SCRUB WORTHY. that's the best word i can come up with. it took me literally two to three hours to clean two small bathrooms ! HORRIBLE. not just the condition of them... but me allowing them to get that way. i am deeply ashamed of myself !!!! but... now i am also proud of myself. i have a fresh start there. right. we always have a chance to start anew right?

i also did a lot of work the day before in my living room/ dining room, and kitchen.
it's really starting to look good. i really need to do some decorating in this house. i haven't done much with the place at all. it's a rental, but we've lived here for like five months-ish. i just have this fear of moving again. it is horrible on me physically AND mentally to move. the packing, lifting, etc. i just honestly don't think i have it in me to do it again. so i have this very real fear of unpacking everything, and getting all "set up" etc... just to un-do and pack and move it all.. again. it could "literally" kill me. i don't even want to think about it. and i CAN"T even think about paying someone 2 or 3 thousand dollars to do it for me. so.... i just can't get motivated to do anything. can you say AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH?

well, speaking of motivation... i think i shall go pretend i have some. riiiiiight. maybe not. at least i made a list. perhaps i'll get to that tomorrow. today i think i'm gonna lounge around and do nothing... errrr ugh... i mean rest my sore muscles. ya that's it. well, at least until i pick my girl up , and take her to a dr. appointment.


Friday, February 16, 2007

another day filled with good intentions gone bad

ahhhhhhhhhhhh. another day in paradise. Hands full of anti-depressants, and other various prescription medication... the wonderful flavor of nicotine gum, indecisiveness, and procrastination...the constant yapping of my little crazy min-pin, the constant whining of my old lady lab (for reasons i do not know/ pain? maybe) , the bitterness within myself due to the cold weather and wanting of a cigarette. the inability to motivate myself to actually do anything productive with my day. *SIGH*, *HEAVY SIGH*.

yes, my readers, i am in quite the negative state of mind at this moment in time. but... if ya think in terms of newtons law... i think it is "newtons"? anyhow.. "for every action, there is an equal, and opposite reaction."

right? well..... let's say, we look at the thought process in that perspective... "for every thought, there is an equal and opposite thought. (or, possibility of thought/or action). right?
for example.... my medication. yes. it really does piss me off at times that i have to take so much be basically somewhat level headed, and healthy. BUT.... i could .. and perhaps should... look at it in this way: i should be greatful that A) God has given people the ability to come up with these medications that can do what they do for people...including ME. and B) i should be thanking God that i am able to afford these medications that keep me stable, and healthy. because without them... i honestly could be dead, or hospitalized ! but... most of the time, i don't think that way... i dread taking my meds, and there have been times i DIDN"T take them for long periods, and every time i ended up in or at the hospital! it takes a lot of self discipline to take 15 or more pills EVERY damned day of the week. but , i do it. or at least try to.

or, let's say my yappy little dog, with her ear drum piercing barking. it's enough to make me want to rip her head off sometimes. BUT. i know, that there is no way that anybody is ever going to break in this house or even come close to it, without her causing a ruckus. sooo. she's a good watch dog. she just doesn't know how to distinguish what to bark at and what not to (yet).

and , the smoking.... today is day ELEVEN. no, i can't believe it myself. but it is. but, my natural thought process is to feel deprived. i feel like i am not getting what i want. i'm not able to do what i want, which is to smoke. i miss my cigarettes, i honestly do. and i could, and sometimes do, think that way a lot. i want, i need , poor me. smoke smoke smoke. blah blah...cry me a river. but... the reality of it is... this is a good thing. it is going to be better for a lot of my health issues, the Addison's, the fibromyalgia, my dental problems, ...also... it will be good for my family's health as well. they won't be forced to breathe all the second hand smoke. i was a two pack a day smoker...that is a LOT of smoke for a non smoker to breathe...especially a child !!!
so, yes, i really should try to turn all this negativity around in my head. i can really get down on myself, and my life, a lot of the time. but really it is not the way i should be looking at my life. it's just not.

ok.. (soulmange gets off of her soap box, and takes her meds)

blech...gag me. but... that's done...til tonight.

ok. what now? i do not know what to write about now. i had a hectic morning, but that's really not that unusual around here. so i won't bother you with the details. i guess i will just try to do something productive for a while, and get back to you later.

by the way... does anybody know why dogs like to eat cat ... well... why do dogs dine on litter box leavins??? yes, i am speaking of the min-pin. she is SUCH an excruciatingly painful pain in my A**

ok... soulmange, out !

besides the fact that almost THREE HOURS has passed since i last wrote on here...and i still haven't done anything productive....not even gotten dressed! for the love of pete...what is wrong with me?? someone please please please...tell me this too shall pass and is part of the nicotine withdrawl !!!

anyhow.... i learned something yesterday. it is something that i have actually wondered for many years. it is also a scientific FACT. i was watching "the most extreme" on animal planet channel on tv last night... and they were showing how different animals communicate with each anyow... they get to herring. the fish. well.... i never knew this , but, they communicate by allowing air to escape through their ... well.... their butt. yes, it is a bit amusing. but it is also true ! it is also apparently quite loud. well the name for this communication (noise) is... Fast Repetitive Tick .... also known as "F.R.T." ! SO there ya have it. that is where the word FART came from.
well. i guess ya really do learn something new every day. i just didn't think i would learn THAT.

ok...more later. maybe.


(ya, to respond to that first comment.... i wasn't kidding ! i've fallen and i can't GET UP! i'm so lazy i could cry.)

anyhow.... it's friday night, like a quarter til 9, and what am I doing? i surely am not getting all prettied up to go out. i'm not even preparing myself to curl up and watch a scary movie with my family. nope. i'm layin on my aching back, with the tv on mute because there is nothing i care to watch on the dang thing, and i'm listening to my stomach growl...even though it was filled less than four hours ago...and even had a snack an hour ago...ugh. and of course i am reading blogs. i am gonna put this darn laptop away for the night when i finish this post though. i swear i am getting blinder by the day. my eyes water, and get blurry and i get headaches...cuz i read online all day long. i also think this nicotine gum is destroying all my fillings in my teeth. it's beginning to taste metalic in my mouth and even a bit of tooth pain at times. this is just great. i'm broke, achy, lazy, blind, and soon to be toothless and fat....but dammit, i aint smokin !

well, i hope you all have a good weekend !