Saturday, July 5, 2008

i'm baaaaaaaack ---- i think -

Hi everybody—

I hope you all had some fun for your fourth of july. BBQ’s, fireworks, beer, family, whatever it is that you like to do .

Anyhow--- once again, I’m not sure where to begin here. Part of me wants to explain things. Part of me wants to defend myself. Part of me wants to jump right in like nothing happened. Truth is, a lot has happened lately. And so very much of it has not been good. But—at the same time, some good has come from it. but how can I say the good that came from it without explaining what the hell happened.

It’s not over yet. I still have a ways to go, but I do feel myself getting a bit closer to myself. Because for a while, I didn’t know if that was going to happen. I had no idea what the outcome of this situation (for lack of a better term) was going to be. (this time). But honestly, I didn’t think that I would be writing here anymore. I wasn’t sure where I would even be living. Or—if I would be living—if the truth be told. I struggled daily with the thought of shutting down my blog. I struggled with the thought of letting everything and everybody go. (online-and in my real life).

Worse of all, I struggled with the part of me that told me to run, hide, never open my heart, or mouth again…. And the part of me, that had softened a bit this passed year, and learned to trust people with my heart—and my world, and to let people in, and care about people. Yes—most of you I have never met—some I have, some I plan to, and some I probably never will, but I feel just as close here, as I would if you lived next door.

I almost let it all go. I almost let my husband, daughter, and sister go too.

And ya know--- aside form them, and y’all… I got nothing. No one.

But , I’ve been there before- and it wasn’t that long ago. I could be a hermit.

I’ve told people that if I wasn’t married , I would be one of those people that would be dead for six months before anyone even knew. I don’t know how true that is anymore. I think there just might be a few of y’all that would actually get “someone” to look in on me, if I didn’t post for too long—without explanation. Well..if I didn’t answer my phone too. Ya know. A year ago—wouldn’t have happened.

Soooo--- I suppose I’m maybe tryin to talk myself into trusting y’all enough to tell ya something here. Trust being the key word I reckon. But ya know, I guess if you can’t handle who I am , or what I have to say—then you can decide what you want or need to do about it. but I can’t go on trying to be someone that maybe I’m just not. I mean I am me. But sometimes… I’m not the me that you know. Oh hell. This is getting tough.

I reckon I’ll just spit it out—even though a few of you already know--- and I have a feeling a few may have figured it out. Then I have an idea, that some of you just won’t understand. But regardless of how you handle it--- it’s a part of me. I was told once that I am not my diagnosis. So I won’t say that “it is me”. Even tho, sometimes I feel that it is. Especially when I am in the thick of it. like this passed several weeks.

I have mentioned it maybe one or two times on my blog—but not only do I have several physical problems, and diagnoses…. I also have a few too many mental diagnoses to go along with them. Those being – bi-polar /manic-depressive, with major depression, PTSD, anxiety disorder, social anxiety—not as severe as agoraphobia—but I have had bouts with that as well—such as not going outside the front door for months at a time.

and a couple more that I would have to dig out my med record to look at. I am a true mental cracker.

But, on the bright side of that? It usually doesn’t all hit me at once. I get depressed. Sure. Everyone does. Mine just seems a little more severe, and debilitating.

I get anxious—yep—we all do—I just need meds to subdue it.

I haven’t slept a single night without meds in 12 years. I hate that part—but it’s natural to me now.

I sometimes leave half full grocery carts in the middle of the store, because I can’t stand being there with so many people… I’ve done it for years. Either I go another day—or hubby has to go do it for me.

Then, there are times, like recently—that my entire world, becomes a war zone. In my mind.. and out. It is unreal. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is real. Everyone is against me. I trust no one. Not even myself. I can’t sleep. Even with meds. I have severe mood swings. It could be hour to hour—or minute to minute. I could be sitting quietly—then be in a rage. I could be in a rage, then silently crying. I could be happy—or seemingly so—then pissed as a bull in the ring. Very unpredictable.. and so very hard on anyone around me. And it makes me want to run. I know it’s hard on those around me… and Its hard on me… so much is in my head—that it is impossible to even tell anyone. And all I want to do is run—or die. I’m afraid to talk.. afraid that it will get me locked up. Even tho sometimes I know that’s where I should be,.

This “episode”, was one of those times. It really was. This was the worst it’s been for me in many years. This was the longest this has lasted, and the closest I have come to doing something really crazy. (to myself).

I knew I should tell my doc. I knew I would be admitted. But I was afraid that if I was admitted ---- well… just that it would cause more problems for me, at home and with my family. Etc. how fuckin stupid is that???

To think that the alternative—the way I was thinking—could be remotely better. Ugh.

Anyhow—I am obviously still here.. breathing, I mean. I saw my shrink , finally.. a few days ago. I am on day four of a higher dose of one med, and an added one. And I am beginning to feel and think a bit better. Mentally at least. Physically—not so much. Even though I did get the botox shots about a week ago or so. They don’t seem to be doing anything. Oh well. I can deal with physical pain, I have done that for years. It’s the mental shit that is doing the damage these days. And as long as that continues to improve I will be fine.

But, I guess that’s it in a nut case. (nut shell).

I think the folks that I have been having the toughest time with have forgiven me. And I spose I have forgiven them too. I do understand how aggravated they have been with me. And maybe I would have been too if they were me this passed few weeks. I have literally not been myself. And have not made a lick of sense. And I know, if I couldn’t understand myself, how the hell, should I even consider them to understand me?? That’s just not fair.

But—to those who did REALLY understand/who live this life with me—you know who you are—thanks for reminding me.. that I’d be me again. I kinda knew that deep down… but I soooo didn’t think it would happen this time. I really didn’t. and I think some other folks I’m close to didn’t think I’d come back from this one either. So even though we argued, and they thought I hated them.. and left them… I hope they see this and know that I love them, and I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love them.

And with that---- I think I better shut my damn mouth.