Friday, November 28, 2008

just a'cuz . . .

hi folks

yep-- justacuz-- that's why i'm writin again. i think it has been a while since i wrote twice in one day. so i decided i would hop on and say somethin. i'm not really sure what to say yet.. but somethin will come to me in a minute.

hopefully it will make more sense than that "thing" below this one did. i obviously didn't proofread that, before i posted it. i really was falling asleep. if not sleeping already. i hit post, shut the lid, and went to to bed.

i just read it a couple hours ago-- and it answered my question for the day-- of why isn't anyone talkin on here. hmmm. i oughtta just delete the entire mess. but i won't. but i will say that i am sorry for ramblin on that way and "takin you nowhere".holy crap. i don't know what's wrong with me. but i am beginning to worry. the more i write or read on here.

i will tell ya this much-- it's NOT drugs or alcohol-- i haven't even started the chantix yet -- cuz my stupid bitch dr STILL hasn't called it in.

in fact i want a smoke so damn bad-- i may not even make it to sleep without one. ugh. i am NOT in a good mood right now-- and i am jonsin man. ugh ugh ugh. my ONLY vice. i don't think i can'T NOT smoke. i know i can't clean flippin 24 hours a day. i've tried. and trust me... it looks good, but the human body doesn't appreciate it. especially my human body. :))

i think i will apologize here -
ok... here--->>>> sorry, if you got a text from me last night-- like really really late :)) , i sent it at 10 p.m. - but someone told me hers didn't hit til 2 a.m. YIKES-- sorry. and hey-- whoever you are that got a text to a landline-- that was ME!!! LOL. i don't know who you are either-- but let me know hahaha .. that was pretty funny-- and it prolly cost a fortune :)) text to a landline... who ever heard of such a thing??/ how does that even work??? only me peeps i'm tellin ya-- well and the gal on the other end :)) i just can't think who that might have been. hmmm.

so, now what?
i don't know either.
i don't know what the temp was outside today, but it musta been real nice. it was HOT inside. still is, actually. haha-- i'm sweating, oh , nevermind.

ya know, i was talking with a friend last night--- i know, shocking isn't it-- i have a couple :))
but anyhow, we got to talking about God, and prayer, and faith, and that type of stuff.

so, the thing is, it made me think-- not immediately, ya know-- kinda like right now-- i was gonna say something totally different-- but i will say this instead-- and you'll prolly be glad for it :)) cuz it's not medical crap-

i really need more faith, and God stimulating conversation in my life. it was nice to talk about that stuff. it was feel-goody, and i even had a couple epiphany's...ya know. it was kinda like walkin into a bright clean room-or something. alright ! fishin on a clear calm lake!!! ok , how's that? :))

anyways, i really am not a very vocal person around here. i maybe would be-- but-- it just doesn't work out that way. for whatever reason. i just don't talk much around here.
i was on the, phone a lot yesterday tho -- it was actually fun too. and i usually hate talking on the phone. i avoid it at all costs. i gotta really really like ya to spend time on the phone with ya -- so
well just remember that. :)) -- that includes texts .. cuz i am half blind and very sloooow at texting. so even "You" better like me at least a little to put up with my texts :))
sooo anyhow where were we---

i texted a bunch too -- got bunches too.
hubby was joking-- aren't you miss popular?
really--- my phone ne-ver rings.
if it does-it's a bill collector--a dr. ---a teacher--- or a wrong number--- once in a while , a pal, or a relative (my sis or one of her boys) will text or call... but so rare... i could offer someone a dollar for every call i've received in 2008 NOT from a business or wrong number--and i wouldn't flinch.... but that don't count hubby and soulkid. ok not their texts we can count voice calls. but-- i refuse to be the one to count those calls :))
you willing? i'll pay.

so ya, anyhow. i was crackin up on the phone yesterday-- and again tonight... it's just crazy... i'm so easy to please. why then am i "apparentle//allegedly" such a pain to some people? i wish i knew. no one ever tells me-- but the frustration oozes from their pores, until i want to run away screaming.

or--- in this case--- go in my room and smoke!!!!
perhaps, run away -- for a few days. i said for a few days. stop cryin kids. i'd come home.
ugh. luckily--- it's passed my bedtime
i'm not gonna smoke.
i am gonna go to bed tho.
damn it's hot---i hope y'all aren't freezin wherever you're at.


i hope you are with someone who makes you laugh...
in a bed that keeps you warm
under a sky that makes you think of something happy
i hope you know that someone loves you-

(not necessarily me-- could be someone in the room with you :))
or---it might be me---
perhaps me AND someone there?? hmmm
how bout that?

how bout i shut up and go to bed?
yep-- that's my vote too

i can't believe how LATE it is, (11:56 p.m.-- for a old lady-that's late :))
and blogger wont let me post. dammit.
gawd i'm tiad
one more try---

back to real life

well, it's ovah. all that's left is a sink full of dishes. and a few memories. la la la. (sigh)
i understand the sentiment of the day and all, but really. why does it have to be such a big damn deal??? sure there is a period of about ten years somewhere in our lives that thanksgiving is a wonderful day. it kickstarts christmas, the crowds, the family spirit, the shopping spirit, the "attitude of gratitude". you know... it all just gets you in the mindset for going into debt at christmas , even on people you haven't seen or heard from in years, and know you won't til at least the following year. and you don't even care. well, for a while-- at least til the bills roll in.
my point? it's all about the money. it really doesn't need to be-- not for me. not for a lot of people. but even for the peeps like us-- it becomes that way. especially when ya get "out-gifted"-- and then feel all bad for it. that would be when someone gets you a better-or more expensive gift than you expected-- then ya feel all guilty and crappy , and rush out and send them something better than the last gift-- oops. happens to me all the time. or it's the other way around-- and i know it really isn't what it's about-- but there are the times-- when you feel the need to buy someone (from your heart) something really nice-or special-- doesn't even have to be expensive-- and then-- they haven't even thought of you--- no card-- no gift-- no nuthin. just--oh crap, sorry dude.
that's only part of what i hate about christmas.
the other part-- of course the weather.
and of course--- this is just "one of those times of year... that brings me down-- do to a bad event, many years ago, that i will forever be reminded of at christmastime.
and because of that--- for the last many years-- most of my poor soulkids life... i have been a nasty scrooge. just never in the true holiday spirit-- never into decorating, shopping, jollyness.. none of it really. santa overcompensates when able-- we've had a few poor christmases - but even then- i made sure- that soulkid got lots of junk-- a whole lot. two grandparents always send money... then of course we would do whatever we had to to come up with what we had to to get whatever else she wanted.
well... i guess it took me a long time to get to this point-- but i have come to the conclusion that
1- santa is dead.
2- if i send you a gift of any sort-- be happy i even attempted to do so-- cuz i guarantee it is not my favorite thing to do-- (shop--etc---not "think of you" :))
3- i'm broke this year-- so don't expect much--if anything-- i already gave the kid the speel.. and of course she spazzed. she doesn't remember her scroll kit christmases. LOL nah hers were always good. but she's older, she did ask for less-- but oh boy-- the three or four things she wants? total, what filled under the tree in previous years. sooo wth?
4- how did i get here? why am i writing all this crap? i thinnk i will change the subject. maybe i was just sayin... last year-- i came into some cash-- and by making up for lost time-- and of course down payments on 2 vehicles--and moving--and paying movers--cuz we don't even know 9 people, much less nine that would volunteer to move us--like kelly jene---- she's a loveable gal eh? blessed to have friends like that too--- but anyhow---
the year for me and my clan? started out on a major level of suckage. i even put my oldest , longest ever owned best animal to sleep in the beginning of the year... yep-- my midnight. my soul-mate. i KNOW we "talked". we communicated soul to soul.. though our eyes, and minds. i always knew what she wanted-- she always knew what i needed. and now she's gone---
and i blame the fuckin black eyed peas for New Years!!!

2008 has sucked -- it has sucked, well, anything gross, and suckable !

in fact,
i think i would rank it
right up there with

google it if you never heard of it-
you will be ill for the rest of the day.
i have had the opportunity to try it
i just can't.
it smells horrid.
baby ducky corpse.

ok let's move on???
hey? where's my coffee minion? dammit.
oh, that would be me.
hmmmmmm k

oh that reminds me---
BRAD---- i'm still waitin for my hot bed warmer fairy ova heah???? whaddup? did you put bear on a greyhound or somethin LOL

ok, anyhow-- i just noticed the title i gave this post-- and the dr google stethoscope... umm, kinda reminds me-- i was gonna update y'all on a little bit of news i got the other day. friday. you know how vague these asshats can be right. especially when it comes to stuff like this. things that are bordering soooooo close to nuthing vs something. there really is a very fine line here. well, i found some very interesting, and seemingly reliable medical pages on the topic of thyroids and cysts/nodules/ etc etc etc. i swear i must've read that stuff for literally hours.

i know-- i could have posted, and visited, and talked to ALL of you-- maybe twice... but i was just very interested in this. not only is it all new to me--- it is about me. so it was interesting. i was actually learning. i don't really learn very often. i used to pray that i would remain teachable, and try to learn something everyday. it wouldn't have to be work related, technical, medical... it could be spiritual, natural, a fishing trick, a new friend fact, anything. but i slacked off. i can't say that i have been teachable-- or that i have allowed myself to learn much at all -- for quite a while. i have been quite closed off, for some time.
well.. i take that back-- partially--- i am working hard on my people / relationship skillz. not sure how well i'm fairing there-- but i try-- and i know for a fact-- things could be worse-- if i wouldn't have taken a step back and re-evaluated some things.

crap- i lost my place. surprised? nope me either. lemmee get the dogs in, and maybe it'll come back to me.

dammit-- i forgot to turn the heater off. oh well, i aint gettin up again. not right now anyways.

ok, my train of thought just jumped the damn track
what is up with that.
it's really bothering me lately. and seems to be gettin worse.
maybe it wouldn't be gettin worse, but it seems that i have
been speaking aloud more lately,
and i really just sound foolish.
i can't remember stuff from five minutes ago- sometimes in the same conversation,
and it just gets irritating-
for anyone involved.

OMG-- i have been sittin (back ) down for like five minutes and am sweatin like a damn pig-
i turned off the heat- now i think i need to open a window-
i don't know wth is goin on.
most of the time it's just me.. the others don't seem as miserable as i am.
when that happens- i hear my mother-- LOL
she would grab "your" hand and slap it to her neck or face and say
"I'm sweat-ing, feeeel THIS""
we (her kids) would
just laugh at her.
it was just funny the way she said it-- all snooty like.
had to be menopause, but it was funny.
she was funny-- sometimes.

ok folks-- are you readddday???
can you handle the dr google report?
i'll start with the "real" scan results-
then update you on what i found out
thru my own doctah googs research.

friday afternoon, i went to have my "PT-INR' read at my reg dr. usually every week or so. at first it was a couple times a week-- as it stabalizes-- we spread it out. well friday-- it was good. finally. we got the coumadine dose leveled out and know where i should be at on that now. 7.5 mg day. that put me at a 3.1 . should be where i won't clot-- OR bleed to death if i get cut or fall and hit my head. so that much went well.

then i asked about the chantix-- doc said she'd call it in-- she did not-- i am pissed and my jaw hurts-- but you already know that. so if i smoke-- this is my documentation that it's HER fault. LOL kiddin. but it is always nice to have someone to blame isn't it???

ummm, oh ya , then i asked about the thyroid ultrasound. and yep-- i have been kinda avoiding that subject a little. remember , the last thing i said was "it sounded iffy". that was before i heard anything about the ultra-sound. only by talking to my endo doc-- none to confidently about the CT results-- good lawd she's a idiot. so anyhow--- my gawd i wannna cigarette !---
anyhow... i guess i saw my GP after her. right? ugh , i'm so brain dead i can't stand it. but--- she explained some to me better. not a whole lot better-- but i could understand it better. PLUS, she gave me a copy of the US report , so i had i had that to refer to on google. :)) i know.. my best friend AND worst enemy. BAH

i left the dr, and came home , and did get online to see what i could find--- in layman's terms. well ok.. in my case? idiot terms. and i did find a couple really decent well written pages, with a lot of information on them.

FIRST- my real live ultra sound summary of findings =

there are three "nodules". 2 on the right- 1 on the left.
all three have microcalcifications.-- but the 2 smaller ones say "possible".

the biggest one -on the right lobe - "shows punctate calcifications/histologic evaluation recommended.

that one and another are over a centimeter in size. the other is some odd mm.. i already put the paper away. i can't even deal with damn metrics right now. but that one doesn't seem to be a concern anyhow.

so-- now you ask.. what's the next step-- right?
well, i got referred to an ear, nose and throat doc/surgeon. i will see him on Dec 10th. until then i will know nuthin. except what the devil tells me-- and i'll get to tat in a sec.

first, i wanna ask-- am i the only one that thought that the endocrinologist would be the doc to deal with this?
i was surprised to see i was referred to an ENT-- i didn't even remember what an ENT was! :)) -- and y'all know me-- i thought i knew everything (medical.) bout time i got that bubble busted eh?
soooooooooooooooo--- that's the scoop, tat's the plan.. wanna hear the dr google theory? (s) ???

k- here it is anyhow---

ok-- here it's not-- cuz i am fallin asleep lookin for it, and my phone keeps ringin. and any creativity i might have had when i started this post--- it's long gone now. i'm sooo tired. i don't even know why i woke up so early. but the cowboys won-- i think .

i shall be back later when i'm not so tiahd.

ps--- phew-- i almost blew it big time right here-- i fell asleep right here in my chair--- i was just clearin up my papers and junk, gonna put up the laptop and go lay down, and guess what? here lies this post-- un-posted, all lonely. poor post almost got dumped. i need a vacation. how does a "house -wife" convince people she needs a vacation? i know i'm about to keel over-- but normal people would swear that i do nothing. lemmee tell ya -- they're very wrong.

except for this moment-- i am goin to take a nap-- last night was a rough one.