the new me-
just add like 20 pounds!
just add like 20 pounds!
hi peepslesssss-
(this is a post of two posts i attempted to write yesterday--and in the middle of the night yesterday-- that just didn't make it up here. too many distractions.
ha-- you wonder-- who can be distracted at such hours-- well, that would be me.
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these are from friday- april 3rd.
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this is my 690th post
no tellin how many there would be had i not deleted
so many a while back.
but still, that is a lot of damn writin.
anyhwo-- just thought i'd get that out of the way. i'm not sure what the hell is goin on here-- but it's 2 am.. and i have not been to bed yet. this kinda thing gets really old, really fast. i guess it seems the days that i am stressed or overwhelmed in some way-- or angry even.. are the days that i don't sleep. i guess i'm maybe becoming imune to the slep meds--again-- and i'm ust on my own. obviously , i don't do well on my own. in just about any manor-- i just suck . not all of me-- just the part of me that requires functioning. like communication, routine, self esteem, motivation, respon
sibility, maturity, memory. you know. that type of stuff. but -well i seem to lack the majority of those--and then some.
obviously, i'm not real happy where i'm at right now. not physically-- well, not so much. but i mean spiritually, maybe. nah, that's not the right word. but whatever it is that means where you are in your mind.. or your state of mind? i don't know. i'm not sayin i'm goin mental ... i'm just saying that things aren't working out the way i would like them to be. and a "vacation" sounds pretty good right now."
i don't know how to explain it-- and even if i did-- i'd prolly be too embarased to say it. or write it.
maybe i'm just tired. no one should be on a sleeping pattern the way i have been for so long. i used to complain that i slept too much, and couldn't accomplish anything. now it's the opposite. i don't sleep enough, and i do too much. i'm on the run every day almost. it really affects me. in every way. it affects my relationships. and in turn, it affects my world.
so much has changed , just over the past couple months. a lot has to do with people. alot has to do with me. i just don't know what i'm doing--or even what i am supposed to be doing.
a couple things that get to me lately is, so many times i hear people say-- they are original, what they write is original, they don't want people to steal or borrow their "words". but it seems anywhere i go on here-- it's like i see me talkin. my phrases, my words, weather it be someone commenting, consoling someone-- or in their posts. it's very strange--- and it isn't new to me to be bothered by it. it's just weird, and irritating. but it won't kill me i don't spose. i'm sure it's just my frame of mind right now. just feelin a little lost-- and to see my -- what i thought was originality -- other places-- just a bit unsettling. not anything to get riled up over though-- it isn't like i have much much bigger fish to fry. right.
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next attempt
sibility, maturity, memory. you know. that type of stuff. but -well i seem to lack the majority of those--and then some.
obviously, i'm not real happy where i'm at right now. not physically-- well, not so much. but i mean spiritually, maybe. nah, that's not the right word. but whatever it is that means where you are in your mind.. or your state of mind? i don't know. i'm not sayin i'm goin mental ... i'm just saying that things aren't working out the way i would like them to be. and a "vacation" sounds pretty good right now."
i don't know how to explain it-- and even if i did-- i'd prolly be too embarased to say it. or write it.
maybe i'm just tired. no one should be on a sleeping pattern the way i have been for so long. i used to complain that i slept too much, and couldn't accomplish anything. now it's the opposite. i don't sleep enough, and i do too much. i'm on the run every day almost. it really affects me. in every way. it affects my relationships. and in turn, it affects my world.
so much has changed , just over the past couple months. a lot has to do with people. alot has to do with me. i just don't know what i'm doing--or even what i am supposed to be doing.
a couple things that get to me lately is, so many times i hear people say-- they are original, what they write is original, they don't want people to steal or borrow their "words". but it seems anywhere i go on here-- it's like i see me talkin. my phrases, my words, weather it be someone commenting, consoling someone-- or in their posts. it's very strange--- and it isn't new to me to be bothered by it. it's just weird, and irritating. but it won't kill me i don't spose. i'm sure it's just my frame of mind right now. just feelin a little lost-- and to see my -- what i thought was originality -- other places-- just a bit unsettling. not anything to get riled up over though-- it isn't like i have much much bigger fish to fry. right.
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next attempt
so. anyhow. today is my last day in my womens group thing .
and monday my child will be going back to school. she has decided that home schooling rather sucks. it's lonely-- and she doesn't like to be home so much without conversation with kids her age. i can imagine tho. i'm glad she chose to go back to school.
it's important she get the right help/// especially in math. i just can't do that shit.
she seems happy about it-- and ready.
i sure am. i hadn't really had to do much with the homeschool since she enrolled-- as far as helping her work-- but the fear of it was overwhelming me..especially before i knew she wanted to go back to her other school. so-- big relief .
change.
i don't like change very much. it upsets me.
things have all been changing ever since like the beginning of last year. i sure hoped 2009 was gonna be better-- i think it's worse-- and it aint even a quarter way through.
one foot in front of the other i reckon. it's just kinda tough to do that when all trust has gone out the window. it's kinda like walkin thru life in the dark ya know. i just never know when the bottom is gonna fall out. again.
i'm tryin tho. but dammit it just doesn't seem to work.
or it will for a while-- then the shit falls apart again.
gotta get goin
todays post- comin up
until then---
there's a stupid game to pass some time--if you have it. (below here). i played a few times-- it's like a fifth grade game-- but it'll get ya if ya aren't careful. for a little while anyhow.
mute it if the noise bugs ya.
