Sunday, July 8, 2007

well alrighttee then:

Morning folks.

I got a request from josie recently..well, very recently…like yesterday. To write a blog post about the friends and/or connections that we make online with our blog pals. At first , I thought, ya, ok, sure. I could copy and paste it and be done with it. Then I realized…there is a lot more to it than that.

I obviously didn’t get around to posting it yesterday… I was busy, and tired, and ehem…fishing. But, I was also … thinking. Yes, I know. That is a dangerous place for me, but sometimes, it’s just necessary. Unfortunately. I began to wonder… am I really ready to make myself THAT vulnerable on here? I mean, when I wrote my comment on jamies’ post… it was one of those, free mind moments… what I wrote just came out…and once it was out… I let it stay there. It was in a comment section…where few people actually dare to go on many blogs…unless they actually have something to say…or perhaps, if they are blog stalking…and even then…do they really read ALL the comments? I’m guessing not. So I did what some call “freewriting”…and just wrote what flowed from brain to fingertips. It’s all true, and took little thought…although I was careful as to how I worded it. I didn’t want to make myself TOO vulnerable…open for hurt or rejection…but I wrote was I was feeling.

And that was the fact that I have met, many..well..all actually…except oldy, cuz she is my sis…I’ve met these people on accident. Just blog surfing…liking something someone says..going back for more…then leaving comments, that have led them to my page…ultimately… many have turned into what I believe to be genuine friendships.

Before I started this blog thing… I was a strict recluse. My own daughter called me a hermit! My isolation from the world, actually affected my whole family. Aside from that… I had so little outside the family communication…my brain, heart, and self esteem…became stagnant over the years. My family members , and a mother of my daughters long time friend became the only outside stimuli… other than tv…. That I had in my life….for over ten years! I had zero trust for people outside the family…and honestly…not a whole lot for them either. My expectations of the world was heartbreak. If I let them in, they would hurt me. So, I didn’t let anyone in…and those who were in… I pushed outside the box… letting them in when I needed to…pushing them out when I needed to. I must say… it’s been a rough eleven years.

So anyways… for josie… here I am opening myself up…and putting my feelings here, for all to see.

I just hope all of you who have been so good to me these passed several months…some even less… realize that you have really made me a better person. A happier person. A more positive person. And I gotta say…. That means the world to me.

You all have helped me heal the mange that has rotted my soul for so many lonely years. And I want to thank you for letting me feel comfortable in calling you all “friends”.

When I started this blog…. The end of January… it was a lonely negative place to store my negative thoughts and feelings… maybe so they would find another place to corrode, other than my soul. A place to feed my alter ego “soulmange”. And her i am… six months later… thanks to EE for the name…. but she found it in these pages as she watched me change because of y’all. And HER of course! But here I am… soul survivor.

Like they say… “no “man” is an island”. So true. No one can get through this life on their own. No matter how hard they try. Oh, they CAN… but they will not be happy, or fulfilled in any way, living on that island of self absorption alone. No matter what or how much they do for others. If the “others” are family… it only opens the door to resentment.

Thanks my friends…for sending me the rescue boat when I needed it , to get off the island of self destruction!

OKAY… now you can read my motivation for this post… aside from the obvious nudge from josie!

Below, is an excerpt from Jamies post, on “everyone thinks I can fix it…”

(Friday July 6-07)

It's funny what this blog has done for me---I feel like I have gotten to know so many people that I would never have had the opportunity to meet, if it weren't for this. Those that I actually know in real life rarely, if ever, bother to read what i have to say, and so many of you come by here to see how I am, it is truly surprising. It is also surprising that what I do have to say is anything but truly boring, mundane, normal life crap. And yet, I follow so many others, that have the same mundane, day to day things. Maybe we are all looking to see if our own lives are like everyone else's? Maybe we are looking to see that they aren't? I really don't know. But I find myself wondering how my blogging friends days are going, and if something is going on in their lives, I wonder how that is turning's just funny. I am NOT a social person in my real life. I have told all of you that I have little time or use for most people, and that comes from so many turning out NOT to be what I thought they were. What I am trying to say is thank you. You each give me a new perspective on everything, something to think about, and always, always a smile or laugh. And that is wonderful. :)

(BELOW are excerpts from the comment section of this post)

SOUL: said...

it's funny you would mention the blogger pals we find out there in cyber space... vs the real world "people". i feel so much the same way. in fact, i think on page one of my blog i in fact stated... walk with me, or away from me, i don't care.
trust issues much? hell yes! i haven't had a real life friend... in the true sense of the word... in years. like you said... they just don't turn out like you think they will. perhaps that is why we aren't supposed to place expectations on people...we are all only human of course. but i will admit, my expectations are LOW.
i expect... loyalty... time, understanding... just that type of stuff. i don't want much from people. honesty. of course. and shit... if ya don't know what to say... just tell me that... don;t ignore me in a time of crises... don't make me feel I"VE done or said something out of line...when it's YOU who are in a situation you can't handle. (not yOU) you know what i mean.
but really. the times that have ran me into my mole hole, and away from people and the desire to befriend them... were times of terrible heartbreak, and emotional need. all i needed was a friend to just be their, and be willing. but when my babies died.. eight years apart... several different sets of friends and circumstances... they ALL scattered like roaches. friendships that i thought would last forever ended when i needed my friends the most. when i lost my second son in 1996... that was it... my wall, had never been taller, or stronger. i never let anyone else all the way in. walk with me or walk away.
online friends are safer. i will admit... i am growing pretty close to a few of you, and i think you know who you are. and it scares the crap out of me. i may never even meet y'all in real life.. but it's scary to care about people again. and to see that they (y'all) actually do seem to care what happens to me every day when i see that you've come to or commented on my blog.
but always... it makes me smile, and it it gives me reason to smile, and to think, and to care about others.
before the blog thing.. for years... my entire world was my family and my animals... and the fear of "God what if something happens to "someone else". very depressing. very depressed, and very resentful.
thanks Jamie for reminding me... that i can still be a friend...and have friends... and care about people. and share my life and theirs...and i don't have to live in my shell of hell.
it means a lot to me to see that you come see me when you're barely awake each morning...and you always have something nice, understanding, or funny to say. and more so, that i care what you go through each day... your laughter, your pain, your struggles, and fears, etc.
that goes for all my blog pals.
i have a genuine concern about them, their families, lives, everything. and it really gets me out of myself.
and just look what it's done for me.. soulmange to soul survivor... just by getting involved in other peoples lives. it's very difficult to spend ten or eleven years in your own mind and unhealthy body...afraid of new people, or sharing your experiences with them.
so i'm with ya here.... thanks to those out there... who are honest enough to put their lives on these pages... and communicate with the rest of us, who put ours out there too.
did that crap make a bit of sense? i hope so cuz i don't have the patience to read it again.
maybe i shoulda just said ditto to yankee?
sometimes i just can't SHUT UP!
do they have a name for that?

have a great/ feel good day jamie

7:10 AM


simonsays said...

Soul, you are such a sweetheart, and a truly good friend to me, I know EXACTLY what you are saying---and I love you for it. Have a wonderful day!

jyankee-you are so right, and you always bring a new perspective to me, too!

8:17 AM

soooooooooooooo...there ya have it. jamie has a lot more in that comment section from others, and how online friendships have changed their lonely isolated lives into a whole lot more...go have a look.

it's 130 in the damn morning

i should be asleep, but am i? obviously NOT.
we got the pay per view UFC fight earlier... it was like 9 or 10 pm...and i was falling asleep in the first fight. so, what do i do? well, i don't wanna be a "party pooper" i get up and have coffee...three cups to be exact. well, it got me through the fight, that's for sure... now, hubby is sound asleep...even all four animals are sleeping. me? even after my meds... wide awake. and to make it worse... i'm almost out of cigs. what a bunch a crap.
i can already tell you how this will play out. wanna hear? ok. well.. my best prediction is:
i am gonna sit her and read and write crap, for maybe an hour or so. i'll smoke all except one or to cigarettes...just so i won't wake up and not have a couple to have with my coffee before i am forced to go get some, oh, say 6 a.m ! then i'll get back with my cigs, and continue to smoke, coffee and blog...then i'll go over my banks see if the money fairy deposited anything i wasn't expecting :)) then i will perhaps do some chores. i assume i will either a) talk hubby into helping me get started on converting our junk room into the guest room...or b)go fishing....until it's time to pick up the kid. OR if we do work on the room and not fish...i may go get some much needed groceries, and come back and nap until it's time to go get the child.
i sure bet you all wish you were me, don't you? i mean, i have such an exciting life, do i not?

OH CRAP... guess what i forgot to tell y'all. it aint good. remember the flood we got trapped in the other day...the 4th? when the car got stalled out in the water? well....the following day i had to wait for the laptop guy to come fix my computer, and ended up not going anywhere in my car. then the next and hubby went and ran some errands...oh one of them included getting a refund on the RAM i thought i wouldn't be able to return, so that was good...but...the bad part//// i realized as we were getting in the DID get wet INSIDE!!! ACK! and black mold had already begun to grow on one of the lower door panels! the entire car smelled horrible! we took it to a car wash and vacuumed as much water out of the floor as we could, but it was still wet and stinky. as for today... again, i haven't been in it, so i'm not sure how bad or good it is. i may end up having to replace my entire carpet in there! can you say "can't have nuthin"?
*note to self...check car tomorrow!

oh, Lord...hubby is snoring in my ear! why does he feel the need to face me when he sleeps? i think i need to get a more comfortable couch. i already can't, i'll never get to sleep. ahhh...perhaps i shall go sleep in my daughters room. nah. anyone have a cotton ball or two?

ok. i've obviously run out of stuff to say. so i guess i'll find a boring info-mercial, or maybe church? on tv. anything to help me get sleepy. whatever happened to dragnet? i used to always be able to go to sleep with that on.

anyhow... g'nite