Friday, October 10, 2008

still friday----

and it still sucks... but i just thought i'd check in with ya... even tho it is the weekend and it'll prolly be slow around here til monday.
anyhow-- i haven't taken a pic of my office yet-- but i will.
i did go fishin today, but only for a while, about an hour. didn't catch anything. i don't think i even got a bite. not sure what's up over there. the fishin is nothin like it was last year. remember some of those fish i hauled out of there last summer? damn, i bet i had 4 and five pounders almost every day. at least limits of 3 pounders. wonder wth happened. maybe someone started keepin em outta there or somethin?? dunno. sure is no fun to go over there and not catch fish though.
anyhow. i picked up soulkid after school. she told me that a kid died of a heroin overdose. i guess last night. she didn't know him, but she knew of him. i guess she had seen him around etc. i hope it was a wake up call for her. or a reminder. here we are with another weekend in front of us, and she wants to go places and see her friends, and i of course want to chain her to her bed, or keep her with me- under me the whole time. i know i can't though. and it surely sucks.
i think my ulcers busted through again. when i was fishin i got the most awful belly ache in the world-- it still hasn't stopped. erg.
if i woulda known then , what i know now--- i woulda got fixed after number two. this is like havin acid dripped slowly on every inch of my body.
somebody make it stop.

and enjoy your weekend :))

i really am gonna try.
i have been through worse. at least she isn't underground. right? every day she's above ground-- we'll call a good day. or something.

i'll be back tonight or tomorrow --- hopefully with something not so drab to talk about.

i miss my dad

he would know just the right thing to say or do right now. i don't know why i think that. i just do.
i barely knew him really. i spent little time with him in my life. but i sure wish i could have one hour with him today.

he died before soulkid was born. but i just know that he would have been really good for her. and her for him. my dad had four daughters. me, smocha, and two others from a first wife. he was cheated out of watching all of us grow , marry, everything. each relationship he had with any of us girls was formed or mended within his last couple years of life. he told me of his regrets of that... and how he would have changed it if he could have. well, i would have changed it too-- if my mother didn't make him out to be the devil for the first 20 years of my life. i hate her for that. out of every terrible thing she said or did to me--- i hate her for costing me my father.

it's too late now. he's gone. and i can't change that. but i know he was a smart man. a loving man. and i know that he would know just what to say or do to help my kid right now. because i sure don't.

i don't know anything, except that my little family is not anything like i ever thought it would be right now. and i don't know how to fix it.

hubby may have broke his hand last night. he punched a wall. stupid, yes. he knows it too. but really, it looks pretty bad, and he has to see a dr today for it.

we're all just fallin apart here. the soul ship is sinking, and i am afraid that it won't be salvageable.

yesterday, i pretended i was alive and i decorated my office. finally, after living here for almost a year. i put my nautical things and some pictures out etc. today i need to vacuum the floor and maybe i'll put up a pic. the nautical theme is from my dad. and a lot of the things i have were his. he is on my mind a lot.

i think i may pretend to be alive again today and hit the pond for a while. i feel like a sack of rice still, and i bet i could go back to bed for the rest of the day--- but i can't keep doin that. i have to live. i can't let this kill me, altho i do feel dead already.
maybe if i get this shithole cleaned up, get all the damn dirty laundry on my kitchen floor washed and outta there.. and pretend that i have a life-- just maybe i will feel like the next breath is worthwhile... but if i keep on sittin around here, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen, nothing is ever gonna get better.

this is makin my head hurt. i'll be back later.
sorry i'm not keepin up with your comments or pages-- i am readin tho-- and i appreciate every one of you !

one of these days i'll be me again. i hope.