hiya folks, and folk-ettes -
so. what's up on this fine monday for y'all? must be somethin since no one i know of has posted a thing today. in blogland at least. some haven't posted for a couple days. Brenda at least posted her happy award :))
Donna TX did mention she is extremely busy and will try to get to it next week. her baby is gettin married. isn't that sweet? the pictures i've been seein are awesome. if i can -- or Donna - if you see this -- i need to ask permission to post the ones with the shoes/roses. those are just poster quality- and so unique. beautiful ! i can't get over how awesome they are. and of course your daughter is a lovely bride. as is her dress. all the best -- again - to her and her man - and new life. ( awww , and this is where my heart gets mushy) :))
so. i shall move on to other things. prolly not so bright and shiny. not like that stuff-- or yesterdays post either. maybe that's why i been kinda puttin off writin about all this. but if i keep puttin it off, i'll forget everything. so i might as well get it down. ya think? y'all know i don't really pre- plan or pre-post -- or what some call 'work-on' my posts -- that's i guess how they end up so jumbled up-- long- or nonsical babble - ish. cuz i just sit - write - and hope for the best. sometimes it works, sometimes not. so- let's just go - and see what falls out - k?
i don't know if i should start with a kinda preface, or background or whatever first -- or just jump in feet first - or what. but i do know if i think too much about it -- it won't 'flow'.
so i guess i'll just w-r-i-t-e- ok- ok peeps-- get ready for a ride -- maybe get some coffee--- or whatever it is you do to [prep for 'my' posts :)) i'll wait.
in fact-- i think i'll get a cuppa too -- maybe i'll even pee . maybe you should too -- i think this'll be another long one. (sigh)
---- [ ok , that took longer than i expected .. how bout y'all? i ended up on business calls, and all kindsa other misc business i didn't expect at that moment.] but hey - i'm back.. you didn't even miss me did ya? that would be because online, you have no idea when i'm here, and when i'm not. just like magic :))
so. ready? comfy? lessgo then--
i was about to ask if you remember the other day that i was up all night-- ha!- then i remembered that it was only yesterdays post that even mentioned any of that-- even tho "technically" it was really saturday night. kinda. bleh. this blog stuff can get so confusing sometimes. can't it? or hell. maybe it's just me. regardless. here's where i'm at today -- or at least since my last post. and i really am not sure where to begin.
spose i'll just write and most likely end up jumpin around -- but that's not out of the ordinary -- for me. so i guess y'all can figure it out right? if not -- just say somethin- i'll help ya out with any confusion. ok?
ok-- do i seem nervous? i think i am. i apologize. it's just been a crazy; 'mixed up crazy' - not mental crazy - couple-a days. i'm ok though. not goin off the edge or nuthing. i'm doin alright for the most part. really. thing is. i had a kind of a revelation the other night when i was up all night. no -- not like that. just listen k.
i was just readin online, and cruisin around etc. and of course doin some writin, bloggin, etc. y'all know that much.
something though that a few of you may not know. maybe some had forgotten. but used to know. but this past friday, the 19th of march, just happens to be my eldest and first borns, my son, Patrick-- it was his 'death anniversary'. #21. for those who don't know, he died at 4.5 months old. he was an awesome baby. chunky, happy, advanced-- of course.. but unfortunately , he wasn't in perfect health. i did the best i knew how -- he visited dr's frequently, but they were military dr.s - and they thought i had no idea what i was talking about when i suggested my instincts were that he might have asthma. yep -- flat out blew me of. sent me home with dx -- ear infection. cold. respiratory infection. everything under the sun-- except asthma.
even tho- on more than one occasion i all but begged for them to test him for asthma-- they refused.
(i have never been medically stupid) for some reason, i kinda have at least some idea of some things medical-- even before i began researching my own mystery illnesses. so. long story short-- when he died-- and the way he died, and after all i went through- and what the so called doctors (yeh, my ass) told me, or refused to tell me... my thought was 'sudden infant death syndrome- "sids") for sooooo many years that was all i could say or accept -- because i knew that if i were smarter, or stronger-- or would have asked more questions- pushed harder- took him to an outside doc -- i just was dieing from the GUILT. i just felt i coulda/ shoulda/ what if i would have done something different -- something more -- just one of the many things i 'thought of or wanted to do---he may have lived.
the coroner report said he died of asthma. there was no sids about it. but up until maybe two years or three years ago-- it finally came to me that if i didn't accept the truth of how he died-- i may never heal of his, or the second loss. the one i have never come a bit closer to healing of.
yes, we lost another baby -- jacob- many years after him.
i can't force myself to write 'his' story right now-- many of y'all know it- some don't but you'll hear it another time. but this one is patricks. if i couldn't face the truth about his loss - and my part -- even though i honestly knew NO better than what my single mother,working all the time, ignorant young mind did not know- i could have had more options. IF only. i finally stopped saying he died from sids. i accepted that he died from asthma. i accepted that IF i knew more-- if someone told me more-- maybe- just maybe things would have been different. but it's not. things are the way they are- they were the way they were. i can't change any of it. it just is. and it always will be , the way it is, and was. none of it will ever change.
so in case anyone was wondering why touching that baby/infant at the yard sale the other day? this is a big- huge part of why. because like 8 years after patrick died , we lost jacob--- and i hadn't touched a baby ever since ! i don't even LOOK at baby's -- if at all possible-- i don't even Listen to them. i'm still scared. but that was a big step for me. i don't know if y'all understand . but it really was/and is, a big deal for me.
(also for those who may not know -- Patrick came and went more than two years before i met soulman, but he has always been more understanding of Patrick , than i think any other man would or could ever be.)
so. ok, now that we see that i apparently did end up feeling the need to preface this a little. ok a lot. let's go back to the other night-- the night i couldn't sleep. and my so -called revelation. of sorts. you know about Patrick. (i didn't mention one prolly very important part of that. i was asleep when he died. right next to him, and i didn't hear a thing. my sister and her boys were there too- all in different rooms.. no one else heard anything either.) more guilt. he was less than one foot away from me-- i 'shoulda heard something.. i didn't)
So -- it may not sound like much -- but when i was up the other night- of course this and a lot more began finding it's way into my thoughts. also- the fact that - most of the nights that i can't sleep , are nights that i am the 'last one up'. no matter where i am. i began to back track... i came to a few points of main interest -- number one being when the long term insomnia began. that was immediately after losing Jacob.
soulman was on active duty in the NAVY. he had to be at work at like 4 maybe 5 a.m. so he would come home tired -- not to mention that he too was grieving the baby. he would eat dinner- clean himself up- and go to bed early- maybe between 8 - 9 p.m. soulkid was two at that time- so she too was asleep asleep early. so guess what -- i NEVER slept.
after i realized that much-- i went further back -- found myself in my navy days-- on weekends- we would get motels - so we could have parties and not worry about getting in big trouble bein on base. underage drinkin etc. a lot of times - i would try to drink enough fast enough to not be the last one asleep-- but the times that i was? nope-- i'd stay up.
so-- what i do ? yep--- tried to go further back-- it's like that as far back as my mind will take me--- all the way back to when i was a young kid. my mother was all but absent -- my brother-- although he was six years older-- he didn't make me feel safe-- he had severe epilepsy, and was 'borderline retarded.' i was the one to take care of HIM, as far as i can remember. my sister-- she took care of me alright -- til i was maybe ten or so-- then she began plottin her escape from the hell we were in. i took on the mother role. by the time sis returned-- she had a family -- well, a husband and a first baby on the way -- every time i ever saw her after that-- it was always temporary -- and i never knew when or if she would leave. i never knew if it would be in the middle of the night-- so she wouldn't have to face the wrath of our mother ... i never 'knew anything'.
so-- when soulman woke up in the morning- i guess sunday morning-- at around 7 am.. i had written him a short email- of ust the main deets -- ya know i can't be the last one up-- it's always been this way- but got terribly worse after jacob. don't worry i'll talk to my shrink-- this is really too big for either of US to deal with.
well, he usually isn't ready or willing to talk about much if anything first thing in the morning-- he takes quite a while to 'wake up'. but he was really interested and it all made sense to him. and it clicked with him. i mean hey, we've lived together for almost 18 years. he knows me better than anyone on this planet. i didn't even live with my own mother that long. and he got it-- even more clearly than i did.
some of you know that i have called myself 'the protector' at times. right? well, that is not only a role i have taken, but a role i was actually forced to take - and from a very early age. i won't go into detail. but there are many reasons, many circumstances that hurled me into that role. i still fill that role. even tho i am no where near who i was at one time... as much as i can... i fill that position in as many situations as possible. especially when family or friends are involve. me? not so much-- but yeh-- there too.
so-- i went to my shrink appointment this morning. and i explain this to her.
how it just 'came to me'. (yeh i did just see her like a month ago-- but we both decided it might be a good idea to see how i was doin around this time-- the death anniversary , ya know. and like i said-- not too shabby.)
but her take on it? like me and hubby-- makes sense. makes a lot of sense. i may be onto somethin, and it may be the right time to 'work on this stuff'. including the babies. i have never 'clicked ' well with a therapist. it ends up bein a hate you and i wont work with you thing-- usually when they tell me all my problems are diet and exercise related. nuthin makes me more angry than that.
either that- or we end up clickin too well, and become friends and BS for an hour a week or something.
for years i have flat out refused a therapist and the shrink i work with- kinda does a little of both-- talks a bit and does my meds. works out ok. i'm usually pretty honest with her. sometimes i have to try to keep secrets if i think i can survive without hospitalization-- i do have a family-- but so far-- if i do feel like i need to go in-- i have let her know-- and she takes care of me.
so today when we talked-- and due to the time of year etc.. and maybe the place where i'm at-- ya know... maybe a place where i may be able to finally make sort of breakthrough into what has been blocking me for all these years. shutting me into myself and away from people and not bein able to sleep , and alot of stuff... i mean a whole lot of stuff that makes me a stranger to even myself---- we talked about maybe me doin an outpatient thing for a couple weeks. and also that i look into an EMDR thing. that, i need to look into. i don't remember much of what it's about-- it was offered to me a couple times over the years - but not in at least , hell maybe 8 or so. i need to look it up again. but i think it's like a regression type thing. hmmm. interesting.
not sure when outpatient will start-- i gotta get my kid in school- and go thru my insurance first - all that hooplah.
and as for the EMDR -- i don't even know if my insurance covers it or if i'm eligible-- that's gonna take time and research.
but other than all that? not much else to say right now--
cept i slept most of yesterday aaal the way away.
someone needs to call the coroner to check my fridge-- my hair isn't done yet-- kinda difficult when you're asleep.
i have mucho bills and misc business to take care of
i MUST wash my laundry today.
i'll never get everything done today-- well maybe if i pull an all nighter-- but seriously-- i'm still sufferin for that
love you guys
we got sunshine and NO snow-- how bout y'all??