and it is 67 degrees outside! -- if it wasn't dark, i would be on my way to the pond right now! but-- obviously, it's dark, and will be for several more hours.
(well, not counting the twenty minutes i just wasted in my ADHD distraction.... focus, soul. dammit.)
so anyhow--- where was i. hmmm, nowhere really yet eh? oh fishin. i hope i can make that happen, and still be productive around here-- not a whole lot has been taken care of house -wise this past week... but my business stuff is gettin there. that stuff just fries my brain, and by the time i am ready to stop workin on the money-or lack thereof-- i'm ready for my jammies, and to just get comfortable somewhere. so, no extra activities--or chores are gettin far . but i do what i can, when i can. seems like the best way to find the finish line, ya think?
well anyhow.. "today" - seein as i haven't slept at all -- wednesday-- it's still kinda "today".. ugh.
well... it started ok-- well, except for the panic attack-- but ike i said hubby called before i totally freaked. so that was a help.
after that, i got ready and left for the group thing. at that time i was feelin pretty ok.
well--- til later. i ended up in the hot seat again. only the second time-- but it's just never comfortable there. i don't offer up much in group--- so i get called on now and then.. today was one of those now- or - thens.
some of you know i'm comin pretty close to one of my "bad" months-- or time of year i should say. for several years, i would end up in a hospital around this time of year. it took about five years to realize that--- but once i did--- it changed. i became more aware of the triggers, and the thinking, and decided to just try to get through on my own..well..with meds of course. (RX).
this time-- i will admit i'm a little more concerned than i have been in the last few--or couple years. just because i am still stabalizing on new meds--- i'm trying to get passed all this shit i just went through with my kid and myself-- and no folks-- soulman is not immune to stress or pain--- he just handles it better than us girls. hmmm, or not. maybe i should just say he handles it differently-- not so much better. but he has never had to be admitted for psyche over any of this. i gotta give him kudos for that---- i have seen him on the brink-- but he pulls himself out-- eventually. it's just a little tough during the waiting process.
oh hell.. here i go, blabbin away like i know what i'm talkin about. ugh. i haven't slept at all tonight. i was just settling in, i had taken my meds, i prolly woulda shut down everything and been asleep by 1130 --- IF --- circumstances wouldn't have prevailed.
i don't even know how to explain it-- so i won't even try--- but i will say-- it had to do with my two souls. one picked a fight with the other-- for no apparent reason.. except to that particular soul peep. UGH. i just don't understand what went down between them... but for me? it was all over with. my drowsiness from the meds--and time-- had all but flip flopped on me. another freaking panic attack for the day. the yelling around here has settled down so much this last month or two-- that i have just learned--or am learning to be more calm---sometimes. but tonight-- jees-0-pete, man. i had to get up-- go in my office--get online--get some headphones and tunes goin. i had to escape-- and since the xanax didn't do it-- welp-- here i am, at 343 am. ha, dammit, if i woulda watched the time-- i might have made it by 333. :))
anyhow. i just don't know what to say.
i guess i'll make some coffay-- i shall return.. hopefully with a new or fresh thought in this empty head of mine.
i'm back. nuthin fresh-or-new came to mind. well, my coffee is fresh--and new. does that count? thought not. oh well.
so anyhow. i think i'm kinda stuck here. i spose i'll go and finish up payin some bills, etc.....
today is gonna be another really nice day-- a little cooler but not much--- i can still don my shorts and vans-- and go fishin !
i'm even gonna "make" soulkid go with me. she doesn't like to fish-- but if or when she does-- she realizes "catching" them is pretty cool.
i'll update later
ore vois peeps