Tuesday, April 14, 2009

hmmm... i been thinkin it was monday all morning---it's not

no tellin how i get so mixed up. i'm always confused about somethin. i spose i could let myself slide this time though-- seein as yesterday began with a load of versed-- and i slept it off-- a lot.

i slept like crap last night-- awake every hour-- even with my horse pill sleepin pills. which just don't work as well as i thought they would. i was up every hour all night long-- and in pain. even in the bed. ugh. i'd just smoke a cig and read a little til i got tired again. which lasted til about 4 a.m. then i just gave up. it hurt too bad to stay there one more minute--and i knew at that point-- sleep time was over.
so i got up, and took some meds-- they seem to have helped a bit. i think i could drive the child to school and let hubby sleep in. he was up late last night--and is off for the week, so he would probably like that. besides--- maybe if i do that--- he will wash the dishes --- bwa hahahahahaha

ya know how i been bitchin about gettin fat lately? i may have found the problem. well, aside from eating way too much sugar... a med reaction. and not the one i thought it was. i refused to continue on abilify with my shrink-- cuz it was new when i started gaining weight...and craving sugar. but this last couple days i have been researching coumadin/warfarin...the blood thinner. seems LOTS of folks have weight gain, bloating, and other gastro probs on that med... and it takes a few months before it hits. sooooo--- now i'm wonderin if it's not the coumadin that is doin it. i'm almost due to come off of it anyhow. it was sposed to be for 6 months--after the lung clot.-- that was october 20th.
so i'm gettin really close to the six months. and my "numbers" haven't been consistant since they started me on it anyhow. plus i was on prozac when i started--- and there is a reaction between those two--- now i'm on effexor--and it says not to take those two together either. so i think i figured out both the probs-- the weight gain, and never getting a steady reading. by that-- i could never be on a regular dose-- it would range from 3 mg one week then have to go up to 7 or ten the next. all these stupid blood tests only freak me out anyhow. i never ever wanna feel that kinda pain again. if it'sw gonna happen again i'd rather it just be a surprise. and not be thinkin "oh my numbers are bad-- i'm gonna clot-- or bleed to death." cuz it's always too high or too low.
so i say screw it-- and just get my psyche meds straightened out. cuz that's another thing i don't relish--- another stay in the hospital. i had gone like four or five years without havin to go inpatient--- til i was on coumadin-- ugh. i never made the connection.
thank you dr google. i think.
google is always my worst enemy-- or my best friend.
but i'll tell ya somethin-- if i have to go up one more pants size--- i'm gonna get suicidal!
even though-- i haven't had one person agree with me that it's a bad thing that i have gained weight. even soulkid told me i looked ill and needed to gain weight. ugh.
if only these people could spend two minutes in the mirror with me. i know it's most likely a mental misconception of my appearance-- because of how i was treated when i was a fat teenager--- but oh man. it's just awful. i hate it. weather i really am fat or not--- i feel fat--and i look fat. and somethin's gotta give.

ok. what else?
i have gotten myself into a pickle this passed few days. i mentioned that i offered a gal from my group some money to draw a portrait of my son with Jesus--didn't i? pretty sure i did. well... she's been sending -- emailing me her progress. ugh. am i satisfied? ummmm, no. and i don't know what to do about it. jesus is too skinny and the top of his head--isn't even on the page--- and as far as patrick--- ummm... nope. looks nuthin like him. this poor girl is really trying though. she has made many changes that i have suggested--- but it's still not right. not to me. i finally offered her "some" money to just stop where she's at-- and i apologized etc. but she insists she keep trying. i'm sure it's cuz she needs the money. and i hate that i have ignored her for the last day and a half--two days--after her last change. but i just don't think i want it--and sure don't wanna pay 100.00 (framed) for a portrait that isn't what i want and will live behind some other picture i end up puttin in the frame.

like i said-- i don't have many morals left.
i did get a rare chance to chat with jamie this morning-- and y'all know how she is-- the right thing is to pay for it-- and she's right. i know that. but --- ugh---
here-- YOU be the judge. would you hang this on your wall if it was your son..who is dead?

with this jesus

and this patrick?


that came from this photo?

i know-- the photo is washed out and faint--
i don't know where any more are.
in a box --somewhere-

i just don't see "him" in her version.

so--- help me!
what should i do?
i'm sure the thing looks better in person..and she is gonna frame and mat it for me.
100 bucks total.
i have got prices for this before-- at least five times--
without a frame- i never got an estimate lower than 250.00

should i go with my gut-- that says it isn't REALLY what i expected?
or-- go with my heart-- and do the next right thing, and pay her.???

maybe i need to meet up with her and have a look.
hell, i don't know.
healp me.

and have a great day in your worlds today!