Sunday, April 20, 2008

excuses excuses excuses we all have em

howdy folks----

just so ya know --- this isn't about me.. well, it is, but it's not. it is about me.. but it's an explanation , for y'all.
an explanation as to why i have been kinda in the background lately... in posting.. cruisin, commenting, and replying. i know it's a bit out of character for me.. maybe not to occasionally be that way.. but to consistently get that way-- it is. and i suppose some of y'all may have noticed.

so--- i decided , even though i didn't want to get into this, at this point.. maybe i should. just so y'all would know that none of this has anything to do with any of you... it's just stuff goin on here. and with me.

bat-soul, isn't happy lately. i haven't been feeling well, and i have a lot on my mind. i'm very tired lately, and there is more reason to be tired like this, than just overdoing it, or being bored , or whatever. and it's not lazy either-- like i have been saying. i just didn't want to lay it all out here -- only to come back, and once again say --- " it was nothing". even though- we all know it is "something". but doctors are asshats. each and every last one of them.


and can't even think. or move.
i don't know what to blog about- or say to people.
so i basically say as little as possible.
here online-- and actually at home too-
so don't feel alone.
in fact- be grateful-
cuz even at home-
i am not a very pleasant person to be around.

just imagine THIS
and that would be ME.
the look, the sound, the feel,
ya, that about sums it up.

here's the scoop----

a couple weeks ago, i had a appointment with my endocrinologist. (the doc i see for the addisons' disease. they had done some labs a couple weeks prior to that. they told me the results. well.. it wasn't the first time in my life-- in fact it is quite often that my labs come back showing anemia. and this is what they showed this time. only it was worrisome to the doc-- and to me as well this time. mainly because of the way i have been feeling-- lethargic, cold, tired, other things... --- she refered me to my gastro doc.. asap.

i saw him a few days later-- he too was more than concerned due to just how much the red blood cell count had dropped in only like 7 months since his last labs. i can't understand this lab stuff-- but his last set read a 36... this set was a 10. the endos previous labs a month or so earlier was a 9.
(whatever-- all i know is that's quite a drop)


1-he sent me for a abdominal ultrasound.. like the very next day. (no results yet)
2-scheduled me for a upper GI--(EGD) scheduled for early a.m. tuesday)
3-and of course the labs on the other day that i mentioned.. i didn't want to make a big deal of what , from experience-- may be nothing-- but the lab paper-- actually was marked (tumor) for the test to be taken. an actual tumor marker test. little scary if you want the truth. -- when i was in NM, and really believed that i had cancer-- because i lost a ton of weight and was very ill.. i requested the (CA-125) which is a tumor marker as well.. mainly for ovarian cancer. but this one the other day? i am not sure of-- i knew nothin about it til i got bored waiting there at the lab and read the sheet. so. i don't know where he might be checking for a tumor this time.

and 4th-- AFTER, all of this is complete--- i will be having yet another colonoscopy. BUT this time it will be the one where you swallow a "capsule". it will show 22 feet of intestine that the regular scope is unable to see. if i remember correctly the capsule is an actually camera.. but i'm not sure. i haven't even googled it. and y'all know-- i am the queen of google.

it's just that THIS time.. i'm flying blind. willingly. this time. i don't want to know. i don't want to worry. i don't want to freak out, i don't want to self diagnose, or go overboard. i always do that, and before i know it-- i'm already dead.

in fact-- all of us here at the crib are acting the same way-- although-- soulkid actually doesn't know ANY of this at all. she has lived most of her life with my medical problems and worry. and she has enough of her own stuff going on. extremely important pass/fail 8th grade tests... boyfriend... friends... other things that i don't need to put on here--- but trust me-- she just doesn't need any of this on her plate right now--- unless it turns out that she NEEDS to know. ya know.

but as for soulman... he too is just trying to go on with life-- until we find out IF we need to do anything different --

in the meantime, it seems that both of us are sort of paralyzed . we plan a lot, accomplish little, and wait.

there is a lot of tension. and i do believe that soulkid can feel it. it shows in her attitude. i feel bad for keeping her out of it-- but i also feel that it's right to not make her worry when she may not have to.


there it is.

i'm sorry that i am not keeping up with y'all... like i said it is NOT because i don't want to. it's just that -- it's really a problem for me right now. i think about y'all all the the time. i know that is no where close to the same as talkin to ya.. or checkin in.. and i apologize.

i'll be catchin up-- sooner or later.. i really have to TRY to get my house in order today.. if this gi thing is anything like the last one-- i may end up in bed for a day or two afterwards. my house will surely expload if that happens if it looks like this in the beginning. UGH.

happy sunday peeps...