Tuesday, February 17, 2009

soulland update -- frazzled

hi peoples. well, to the ones who still take the time to swing by anyhow.
i know i've been suckin at posting...and checkin in on y'all too. sorry for that.
sorry seems to be the word of the day around here lately. i think it comes just as natural as good morning-- or have a good day anymore.
there has been so much goin on out here these past several months-- i couldn't summarize it if you paid me. just trust me when i say-- it's been just about more than i can handle. but-- i do my best to hold on and function the best i can.
of course-- i don't think i could call isolating, functioning. but hey-- i'm still breathin-- and that is usually a good sign.
but-- (yep, there's the but.. you know what i say about that right? "everything after but--is bullshit.") i guess there is some truth in that. only because but-- precedes some sort of excuse. or even a rationalization. and i don't know if i should bother with either.
i've been having trouble posting here.. it seems everything that falls out of my mouth--well, fingers.. really is bullshit. trying to explain away my messed up thinking--or feeling-- or even my situation. i just get so sick of this never ending, never changing, black hole that i've been sucked into. i don't see a way out-- and maybe i don't want to. perhaps marinating in my misery, is where i need to be for a while. i just don't know.

some of you know that i went on "chantix" to help me quit smoking. even after all the warnings on the package-- saying it may not be good for people with mental diagnosis.. it may not mix with certaqin meds etc... i went on it- and the part that bugs me the most? it was working! i bet i wouldn't even be smoking anymore at this point-- but-- i had to stop taking it. i was one of the lucky ones, who had the messed up side effects. the shit really messed with my head. in so doing, it messed up a lot of other things in my life. nothing i expect anyone to understand-- but it threw me for a loop. bi-polar-- meds-- and life changes and problems-- do not make chantix a good alternative. so i guess i will smoke til a cigarette is pried from my cold dead fingers--- or -- i don't know. maybe til i burn the house down.
i don't know how fast rumor control runs thru blogland-- i personally try to stay away from the gossip and crap. but as far as my disapearing act from blogland recently-- i was in an inpatient psyche ward. yep-- it got that bad. sometimes i wonder what keeps me goin when i get "like that" ... i never get the answers tho. all i get is pissed. ok-- and a med adjustment-- which usually helps get my head straight. too bad it doesn't work as well on my heart. i always come out just as confused as i was when i went in.
this time-- i think it made me worse. to an extent anyhow. oh hell, i don't even know what i'm saying. i should just leave it alone i reckon. i'm not trying to excuse it anyhow-- just trying to explain. seems that both are one in the same anymore tho.
i'm not likin my life these days. ha! when have i-right? but lately-- everything just seems so damn out of place---off kilter---or flat out wrong.
i try to distract myself with small tasks-- but that never gets very far. i get dostracted from the distraction, and end up doing something totally NOT what i started with.

so-- did i mention that i went inpatient psyche? that's where i disappeared for about a week. it was for a med adjustment/change.. but it turned out to be a big mess. i had another seizure there-- my memory got worse that ever ever ever.. i had a mri of my head... but they said the involuntary movements of my legs-- twithes or something-- gave it a poor reading. but they did say there were lesions on my brain, and evidence of a "deep stroke". but , when i saw my neuro a few days ago-- he pretty much blew all that off. without even looking at the scan. he read the report-- but that is so vague it didnt help any. so-- i still know nuthing. ugh. my brain.. but no one wants to tell me a thing about it. peachy eh?

did i mention i'm in an outpatient program now?
did i mention my kid went inpatient drug rehab? or that she is also in an outpatient program now too.? (for the 2nd time).
along with going to NA meetings several times a week.
did i tell you that i withdrew her from school yesterday-- to home school her--at minimum for the rest of this school year? or how bout that i don't know the first frickin thing about homeschooling--or-- high school math. ERG

have i mentioned that i am just fuckin overwhelmed with all of this?

did i mention also- that she goes before the judge today-- at 1 ? she had been in the hospital twice--and two outpatient programs.. she never had the time to finish her community service. out of 60 hours, she may have completed 33. gareat. she really just didn't have time tho- we did what we could to help her-- but there's just not enough hours in a day-- esp with school on top of all that. how they think a kid is gonna get all that done , it's just beyond me.
if she doesnt show up for her hearing, -- it's a warrant for her arrest--- if she does show up-- it could be a almost three hundred dollar fine. i just hope the judge isn't an asshole-- and sees that she did what she could in the time that she had-- and lets her just go--maybe with probation.. yes, i know she did wrong-- and so does she-- but good lord.. the kid has to sleep ya know.

i'm ramblin aint i? maybe i should just shut my mouth. ya-- that sounds good for now.

take it easy in your worlds today--
i'm gonna hide in the shadows in mine.