Thursday, May 20, 2010

so, what's worse than wakin up at 3:33 A.M. ?

yep. how bout still bein awake at 3:33 A.M. that would be it. at least it feels that way right about now. i don't think y'all have noticed-- and if that's true-- then i have succeeded with my plan. but yeh. it has been a pretty rough few days- weeks , whatever for me. the worst of it has been the last three or four days tho. i know. looks can be deceiving eh? but hey-- that is exactly how i wanted it to be. i been doin the same thing at home too. til it just couldn't be contained anymore. yeh , the lid finally blew. not in an angry way. but in a way that i hate more than that. and i think the family would rather i just blow up and argue or something actually. i think for some unknown reason, most folks find arguing easier to deal with , than emotional stuff. or 'emotional people' anyhow. it just seems that i have been trying so hard over these past many weeks to be 'strong' , that i just ended up taking too much of it into my own body and and mind. and now here i sit-- this last couple weeks... in pain that is just out of control, non- communicative with people that matter, and of course-- i suffer for it. the pain wakes me at night, i sleep during the day to catch up-- which makes me fall behind in my business stuff,. i'm just a mess, which makes everything and everyone else a mess here too. add an assload of sarcasm, to hide the facts-- and when i finally come out and tell hubby -- umm, btw dear-- i'm not doin so good. he's left wonderin 'wth did I do". y'all know how men are. right. ugh.

i've mentioned it before-- a lot of times-- 'it' starts with pain. then goes from there. next thing i know - my world is goulash. and i can't pick it apart enough to know where to begin to fix it. the fam feels lost and responsible. i feel useless and worthless, and crippled, and horrible, and can't help but wonder -- will it be months, weeks, or years before i end up off my feet for good.

tonights biggest mental attack began when i woke from my second-- yep-- second nap of the day - as the fam was returning from the way overdue grocery shopping trip. i was still groggy- but felt it necessary that i should at least help put stuff away. so went in to help- i simply asked if they remembered to get 'me' something to drink. (i have been drinkin water for two weeks) well ,and coffee, or i'd pick up a drink if i was out on my way home etc. soulman points to the table-- over there. i look-- three twelve packs of diet- and one 12 pack of root beer-- i am allergic to diet-- it makes me gag- if not barf. and root beer is just as bad. i literally broke out into tears. none of us could believe my reaction. it was ridiculous and i know it. bottom line-- it wasn't not havin a drink-- it was the not bein thought of. when i shopped - when i was able-- i always got what they wanted or needed. without them asking - i knew. i just had a baby fit.
i felt like five kinds of asshole. thanked them for shopping and left the kitchen to compose myself.

but really. this is gettin simply too stupid to even be my life. the pain and limitations of my life are absolutely getting much more than i can deal with.

therefore-- i have decided that i am gonna take a break from bloggin for a while.

i have a lot of things for the summer planned. i have a lot i need to do around the house. things that i need to do to get my life back on track. things that don't involve me thinking or questioning if things are right or wrong in my world. or if i've done or said something wrong or not pc on here. too much- too little. my anxiety lately is through the roof. big time.

between what's happened- happening in soulkids life-- my own life- soulmans life-- our life as a family-- our upcoming plans - together and separately.. stuff with the house-- stuff with my health.... i'm tellin ya -- it's a lot to deal with. almost too much.

and once again, even though i have all of you-- it's just that time of year again-- that everybody is just busy-- that or i'm too complicated a person. maybe even 'an obligation' as i once understood it to be said. so here i am.. feeling alone in a mess too big for me. i need to step away for a while. and i will. i may pop in now and then - but not daily- that's for sure. i'll also prolly be on facebook here and there.

but as for my real life , my real world - i need to help my girl get through school. i gotta get all my trips saved up for- and completed-- and hopefully -- have fun! and get through them with everyone havin the great times that i have been hoping, planning, and working towards.

i'm even gonna go to girls week at my sises for a couple days in arkansas-- i have a little business i need to take care of out there- that is long overdue as well. it's been on my mind for a long time, just haven't been up to goin out there til now. i need to go to the cemetery where my boys are buried-- thing is-- most my other family is there too-- my mom , brother- 2 uncles- , gramma, great gramma, off the top of my head i can't even keep goin-- but it's a virtual family plot over there. it's never easy. but always easing, and healing. it's time. even my midnight is there. well-- part of her (ashes). right next to my boys. {i even put a small tribute out there for a friends baby who didn't make it a while back. that wasn't easy, but i felt a part of that little life. this will be my first time back since putting that there, and burying Midnight.}

i'll be seein y'all. i just have too much on my mind. and honestly-- that's just half of it.

so yeh.

i need a break from bloggin. and a lot of other crap as well.

so- i will see you when i see you.

i may even take the whole dad-gum summer off--

if you're still here when i get back-- i'd sure like that--

hugs -- and happy summer y'all