i thought i could, but i guess not.
yesterday-- i know it will not be the last day that i feel sad, or miss midnight, or even cry for her. but it has to be the last day that i allow myself to be crippled with grief for her. she wouldn't want that for me. it was her that saved me from that all these years that i wanted to live that way in the first place. there will never be another dog like her. at least not for me.
my daughter and husband both have already suggested i get another dog. i understand, and am not surprised really that they did. it's just that i am not ready to even consider that. and i may never be.
if we do ever get another dog-- it is hubbys turn.. and i will surely keep a distance in how much i allow myself to love it. being the one that is home with the animals the most, it is always me that seems to be the mom to any animal we have, no matter "whos' it is"... but if there is a new animal brought in here-- i will not feed it--- that is always the first mistake. they know where the food comes from.. and they make that connection to ME-- every time. regardless... no animal is coming here any time soon.
sushi is having a terrible time here without midnight. she somehow knew right away that she wasn't coming back. she looked for her as soon as we got home. she went to the door and smelled and whimpered. then she found my purse-- that had midnights collar and leash in it-- and smelled, until i took them out.. then she smelled them and licked them, and whimpered. i was sitting on my bed.. i held the leash and collar and sushi laid with me and smelled them and laid with me for a long time. later i tried to move the collar to my bed table-- she let out a yelp-- she won't let me take it off my bed.. even now. she checks on it several times a day--- she naps with it. if i pick it up to hold it-- she watches me , to make sure i am not taking it away. i think it will forever be on my bed. the leash-- i put in sushis crate that we put her in when we leave the house--- soulkid tried last night to take it out to put in her bed, because sushi sleeps with her at night-- sushi is not agressive, but almost bit soulkid to keep her from taking the leash out of the crate.
she has been with midnight since she was like six weeks old. it is heartbreaking to watch her behave this way. she knows midnight isn't coming back.
and so do the cats.. they keep looking for midnights bed.. it was on the floor next to my side of the bed--- i couldn't leave it there-- because i woke up and checked on her so often, or if i laid down for a nap- or woke up at night-- or went to bed,,, there she was.. for like twelve years almost. that's almost as long as i have been married. aside from huby and soulkid-- i have had no other daily constant in my life-- ever. ever.
but anyhow-- i cannot let loss define me .. again. i need to let her life , the life we shared. remain the biggest part of what she left with me. even her last moments were sweet and funny. well most of them.. imean it was sad, of course. and i cried like i havent in a very long time. but she was jsut so sweet, and relaxed. and peaceful. and we knew it was time for her to go. but oh it hurts. and i know it will for a long time.
but-- life goes on...
i soooo appreciate every one of you
i will be around to your places soon.. or sometime today--
i have been ordered to get out of the house today-- which isn't a bad idea-- since i remained comatose yesterday.
soooo.... i gotta get UP, and accomplish some real life stuff today.
i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today---
i will try-