Tuesday, October 5, 2010

soul- happenins

mornin folks!  now, i can say that .  as opposed to over two hours ago when i woke up.  the pain in my neck and back was excruciating, and i couldn't lay down any longer.  i had to get UP.  what you would think to be the simplest part of that, such as walking to my office couch - to sit, and take a pain pill, was the what turned out to be the most difficult few minutes of gettin UP i think i have ever experienced. y'all surely know who Eevee is by now right?  just in case you don't ---


she has never - ever, since we've had her, slept at the foot of our bed.  (on the floor).  or if she has, she would get up and out of the way if i or someone walked by her in the dark.  today?  tired me, with an immobile neck, in the dark and unable to see her???  did she get up - or bother to move or make her presence known?  of course not.  what did she do?  well she let me step on her dontchya know!  then she growled her mean police dog growl- and friggin BIT me!!! yes!  it's ok.  just a scratch/bruisy type bite.  a warning.  she didn't mean to hurt me. and i really  think she was as surprised as i was.  of course i reacted with shock and anger -- ie. - cussing at her... which woke up soulman.  well.. i think the growl, snap- woke him up first.  the dog has a very audible SNAP- such as alligator jaws!  really. even playing. she has been trained in shutzhund (click there to watch eevees training video clip!).
anyhow - neither of us got hurt- me or the dog.  but needless to say - i was a bit scared for a minute. so was she and hubby.  she could take a foot off without tryin.  God knows what she could do if she WAS tryin.

so anyways-  yes i did mention my pain.  i always hurt- somewhere. y'all know that.  but the pain i speak of today is residual from yet another 'procedure'.  yesterday morning i had another 'cervical facet injection' (bilateral = both sides)  done on my neck.  this was the second time i have had this done.  and of course, i didn't remember being 'this' sore afterwards.  it rendered me pretty useless the rest of the day yesterday and night.  i slept off the versed= a local anesthetic.  then it was recliner / TV til bedtime.. then of course two or three times through the night i woke for meds- then the fiasco at 4 a.m.  now here i am, still coffeeing.

when i saw my doc a week or so ago, and scheduled this procedure... we also 'tentatively' scheduled a (nother) 'rhizotomy'.  right side.  same as last time.  unlike this time--- i DO remember that pain.  that left me with a pain that i will never forget-- and apparently my family won't either.  i can't even describe it to you- except to say that it was constant , and severe pain, that lasted over five months, with little to no relief.  with that came severe depression - of course.  and it affected not only me and my semblance of a life- but it also affected my family in a permanently negative way as well.

(just to let ya know-- in case you haven't noticed it yourself (i have been idle for at least an hour and a half here.  lookin back over the records of these injections and procedures...  then of course while telling y'all about them-- i got way too blabber-mouthy and the post got looong and bo-ring... so i had to delete it all. -- well i moved it to word - for my own records.  y'all don't need that crap but i do.  anyhow- you didn't even know i was gone- but if you noticed a gap in time- that's where it went :))

so.  back to the rhizotomy.  i say tentatively, only because it 'was' actually - scheduled for October 18th.  same side as last - right side.  a cervical facet rhizotomy.  while i was at the Dr. i asked about what might be my 'next' option if the rhizotomy were to fail, like the last one.  obviously it did.  and good lord, i was in some gawd awful pain for an unusually long time afterwards .  over five months; when most people recover in a matter of days or under two weeks at worst.  i on the other hand was in worse pain than before- and actually raised my pain med dosage to a ridiculous amount.  and just so ya know-- the medication amount hasn't been able to be changed back down, because in that time i built up such a tolerance to it- they actually have since had to change me to a stronger med entirely, also at a high dose. 

i bet i coulda found a shorter version to get that out-- but - well sorry.  long winded i guess. that's me.  anyhow.  i spoke with the doc yesterday before the needle in the neck thing.. and told him what me and the other doc i see talked about- asking what surgery 'exactly'  would be my option.  i must admit, it left me breathless.  he said as if it were a trip to the zoo! "Fusion."  UGH.  i responded.. that's your FIRST option?  "yep".   all i had to say was "i know people who have had that surgery!  i gotta think about that.

and i did.  a lot.  okrhizotomy.

well.. i am willing to do that again.. obviously-- but that is all i know.  and i suffered greatly, and probably longer than the short time of relief that i actually was given from it.  many more tears, than thanks.  but i did get some months of relief in my legs and neck. 

so.  i slept on it.  and have decided, yep.  gonna go for the surgery.  i remebered a couple years ago, a friend of mine facing surgery asked me-- would YOU have surgery? (we both were and have lived with daily , horrible, depressing pain for years)  i didn't blink an eye , before i responded with a resounding - "hell yeh i would! if it would give me my life back - i'd do it in a second!".

the recovery time is more uncomfortable, less painful, and a fraction of the time of the rhizotomy.  from what i hear- and in my case . or should be.  and the relief -- 'could' last me many years, vs. a few months.  i really don't need to flip a coin here.  i just need to not be afraid.  i really am not scared of the surgery itself... i mean, that's actually not as bad as it sounded when i first heard-read about it.  the thing with me is -- the addison's disease, and my weight, and fevers i been runnin lately.  if i go in and go under with my immune system already compromised?  it could be a problem.. on top of other problems- and risks.  but then again.. "i'm tougher than most".  right?

ok-- folks.  real quick- i'll change the subject - then i shall let ya go-- well, if ya didn't go already - :((

last night- we finally sold our damn couches!  yee haw.  damn bohemouth (s).  media seating we got a year or two ago.  we really thought that's what we wanted.  but for the last six months?  ok - year... it fills up our entire living room.. and i cannot get out of it!  weak and painful legs and back with no jump cord -- oh i mean side lever to help me get out of the recliner, having to use my legs???  just doesn't happen.  i get stuck. for real.  we live in different rooms, cuz my couch in my office has a lever- its a lazy boy.  it's comfy - cloth and comfy.. so i spend more time in here.  anyhow- they been advertised for a couple weeks, and of course folks call or email -- low ballin before they even SEE it... and that just pisses me right off.  finally someone showed up last night and bought it!!!  of course we took less-- cuz once hubby got it outside in the natural light -- all the little flaws were glaring right at him.  ugh.  we only knew of one.  and that was one ya just couldn't miss.. it happened on original delivery- and even we didn't know about that til we moved a year later!  can we say rip-off?  so of course we lost money-- but now we can get new furniture that i hope i can love and be comfy in! that is NOT leather - also something that won't swallow my house :))

next?  we also are finally selling our 'old' boat.  yup- paid that sucker off over a week ago.  one guy came lookin last night-- and hubby has over 50 emails on it.  he's sellin it seperate.. motor and hull/w trailer.  the bulk of the money is the motor- unfortunately most interest is in the hull. (boat)  he really low balled the price on that. i'm sure he coulda- and shoulda asked more- cuz y'all know-- everyone will try to knock a hundred or two off.  don't we all-- at least try?  anyhow-- looks like that will be gone and out of my way in a couple days at most!  that thrills me.  then we will be furniture and flooring shopping.

next?  my child?  doin well.  she'll be gettin her drivers license in a few days - if i am mobile enough by the end of the wek - there should be no problem.  in fact- tomorrow might be a good day -- if i can get around and drive ok enough.  she finally has all her ducks in a row for it.  i am thrilled.  y'all know i worry-- but my driving ability gets less and less... unLESS - surgery will change that too.  y'all pray it does please.  i have been in pain since before my girl was born.  what came first- the chicken or the egg.  i mean the depression or the pain?  my guess is the latter.  if i am released from this damn pain for any length of time-- do y'all realize how much my life could change?  i have a hint of it-- and it excites me.  when have you heard me say that?!  yeh, i bet never.

ok-- last thing i will bore ya with -- for today .  hey-- don't roll your eyes at me.  i'm just updatin y'all! i thought that's what ya wanted???

almost a month ago- i had a slight case of pnemonia.  nothin horrible - we caught it early.  good thing.  but - it was enough to remind me of the lung clot (pulmonery embolism) - and the evil pain that came with it-- not to mention the brush with death.  OR the following mental attack that came with my temporary use of chantix.  which nearly killed me in a few different ways.  again both- all - affecting my family in ways better - but never to be forgotten.  :((

SO. what did i do?  nah.  i would truly LOVE to tell y'all that i quit smokin.  i did not.  BUT-  i have gone from three packs of cigs a day -- which my history has been 1-3 packs a day for 35 years (prolly 3 for 3 years?)  this last three weeks?  10-15 cigs a day.  hold the applause.  i am in no way celebrating - anything.  i really hope , and pray to quit.  forever this time.  and i know every little bit (not smoked) is progress.  but i'm afraid to jynx it if i talk about it too much.  so this is the last i'll say til i'm all the way quit.  i'm hoping the recovery time after surgery - if or when i have it - will be the clincher - if i haven't quit by then.

ok my soul prisoners :)) you are free to leave now.  i hope you haven't fallen asleep or left before now.

tell me what's goinin on in your worlds people -- i miss ya !
thanks for comin around .. it's nice to not have been forgotten :))
if i missed anything- lemmee know-- you know i'll be glad to blab about it... i mean let ya know.

hope y'all have happy days in your worlds -- i'm gonna try --
oh guess what-- my sis is comin to town today -- her kitties are flyin to england.  passports and all!  it's true-- cats have to have passports!  i don't know if i should laugh, cry or pee my pants.  but it is the craziest thing i've heard in my life!  well, if ya don't count shit my mom used to say :))