Tuesday, January 24, 2012

not as bad as i thought

howdy folks -

how's the tuesday in your world?  mine's prolly good as it's gonna get today.  i had the rhizotomy done on my back yesterday.  i worried about that for a week, but luckily, came out better than i expected.  it does hurt though.  worse than it did when i went in.  but, not as bad as i was worried about it hurting.  i was convinced i wouldn't even be able to walk. so in that way i feel real good about it.  but as far as getting active or goin fishin any time soon?  i don't see that for a while.  of course, it's been a while.  at least now i can hope that maybe in a couple weeks - or less, the nerves will will 'die' and the pain will subside, and i just may have a chance at getting my life back.  i'll let ya know.  i'm workin on my list though, and hoping that soon i will be fishin, and workin on some home improvements.  maybe even makin a little road trip in a few weeks.  it's a stretch i know, but it could happen.  maybe.

 well, i must say, i feel rather impotent writing here lately.  i have absolutely nothing to tell you.  i have no life at all these days.  my highest point of prolly the month was a couple days ago (friday) when i learned that daughters toilet upstairs had overflowed - most likely at least one to two days prior.  i was finally gonna take myself fishin. it was close to 80 degrees outside and i was hoping to enjoy a nice day before i was to be housebound for an unknown length of time due to the rhizotomy.    so i was outside preparing my tackle and rods for about half an hour, when i decided to come in and put on a short sleeved shirt.  for once , there was no music or tv on.  i was walking out of my bedroom, when i noticed a noise.  i looked up - then noticed a 'stain' on my bedroom ceiling.  instantly i knew there was water coming through the floor-to my ceiling.  you know i had an instant panic attack.  gawd.  i had all my fishin stuff all over the place outside- my car was open with the window down. and i had to get upstairs in a hurry to find out what was goin on there.  i nearly killed myself with all the runnin around, up and down.  i had to run - well, the best i could.. up first , to see what happened - it was the toilet - and an inch and a half of water - all over the bathroom!  then down, to put away the stuff outside, and lock up my car.  then back up to turn off the toilet water - only to discover the soulkid had flushed the toilet ! to flood it even worse.  :((  - then down, for towels.. UP to help clean water.  then down, to text hubby, and spend hours trying to calm myself out of the worst panic attack i've had in months.  it was horrible.  absolutely awful.    the only thing that has been done about that situation is the next day, hubby plunged the toilet , and it works now. and he washed all the towels we used to clean up the floor.
but what about the floor/ceiling???  that's MY question. WTH?  do we just ignore that?  wouldn't ya think the stability of the floor is compromised? i really don't feel good about the possibility of a friggin toilet crashing through my bedroom ceiling at some point in time.  but hey, apparently, i just  worry too much, and need to chill out.  - yup direct quote - or maybe advice. i worry too much.  well, i think that's a pretty significant concern.  how bought you?

anyhow,  i know i aint doin anything about it today.  i have a date with my chair today.  and perhaps a pain pill or two.

happy days to y'all today

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

You know you're screwed when:

Your own shrink says, "you're on your own".

Not a direct quote. But yup, that about sums it up. What more can i say? Hmmmmmmm.
For now, i'm fixn ta eat dinner and watch american idol. Other than that?
I have a rhizotomy 'lazer surgery' scheduled for my low back on monday morning. All i can hope
for is some signicant pain relief, and a short recovery period. I hope that happens.

Catch ya later folks

Have a happy night in your worlds!!!

Friday, January 13, 2012


So, i had a rough day in my last post. It happens, right. More often than not here lately... Sorry. But hey, i said i'd try to post more, i should get a little credit for that much at least. No? Yeh. Not. That's why i stopped in the first place. I really couldn't find anything decent to put here. Not like i used to, at least. I even considered re-posting some 'best of's. Until it became too much work to sift thru the babble-a thon posts of soul posts past. But i did realize something... I used to be pretty darn entertaining at times here sometimes. Even when things were going pretty bad. - and if anyone remembers, there have been some damn rough times in the soul world.

Some of those subjects for whatever reason, have come up in conversation over these past few weeks. I find myself amazed really, that the three of us are, for one living under the same roof.... And second, more amazed that us girls here are still vertical and breathing.

Soulman, has been forever blessed,so far with his health. Of course there have been concerns, and had a few issues, but none life threatening. Certainly nothing out of the ordinary for a man his age.

But for soulkid.. My Lord, my baby, soulkid. that kid has been through more than i have.. In a certain area. Which included an entire world that i know little to nothing about, except from what i've seen on tv. Aside from the ramifications of what it did to her, and our family. That part of her life will never be completely 'over'. It is a fear that i live with. but i know for now that every day for the last three years, she is a miracle. And her life today.. For her, and us is a blessing. Even tho she still likes to piss me off on a daily basis :)) there are more good days than bad with her. Our relationship is now more mature, and she has begun to understand a lot more about the way things work with me and my limitations... Rather than taking that personally. To see her with goals, and dreams, and watch her act on those? Nothing short of a miracle. To even imagine that we might have buried her at the age of 14? The thought of it is nothing short of , well, angering. Due to the circumstances.
Then again, the fact that we.. And mainly SHE, got her out of that mess, and life, makes me very proud and grateful. ... Sorry, if some of you don't know, or remember this part of our lives, but it was not easy. It nearly destroyed us all.

As for me? Reflecting on the last post.. And the 'question of the day' how do i find a balance? Well... I don't know yet how i feel about it, but i do feel better physically for it. So, it must be a good start. I absolutely despise 'being lazy' . It just isn't my nature. I wasn't completely stagnant type lazy, i did work on things like animal clean up, kitchen.. Except for dishes, bills etc, i even cooked.. And hubby loved it. I don't cook near enough anymore, not for a couple years. That's due to the pain, but the fam still loves my food and i do enjoy it when i can handle it. Anyhow, the point is, i basically didn't pressure or push myself or my body yesterday. i did what i felt i could do - when i felt i could do it. not in a hurry - all at once.  And it was good for me. My idea being... "pace yourself" ... Dumbass. I don't think i know how to do that.ie. being - . i was barely healed from 2 broken ribs this summer, and went on a four day cleaning frenzy! It damn near killed me. I couldn't stop myself. And when i say frenzy.. I mean over six to eight hours a day of heavy cleaning - frenzied manic type needs to be done yesterday cleaning. That's how i am. With everything. That's why i get so hard on myself when i can't do that. I know i expect too much from myself . I know that i just can't and shouldn't even try to push myself that way.at least not anymore.  i know- i should have known a couple years ago. maybe i did.. i'm just hard headed.

That's why i tried the 'be gentle on yourself" approach yesterday. And ya know what? Today .. Of course after my morning dose of drugs i'd rather not deal with.. I feel like i will make it out of the house an hit my errands that have been put off for the last couple days. and i'm actually looking forward to it.   So, lesson learned... Day on, day off? Maybe? This is only a test.

Who knows? I just might go fishin soon. Well, if it warms up any. The last few days have been too cold for my liking. this morning hasn't even hit 30 yet :((   But 50's are comin in a day or two.  .. Also cold, to me.. But we shall see.  i know for a fact, that when i get out in the sun, and air, and move this body of mine more than ten steps at a time.. I feel better.. Both physically and mentally.
Fishing, for me, i think is the best exercise..or physical therapy i could have. It moves all the muscles , joints and bones that hurt me. And mentally? I don't think i'm ever happier than i am when i catch a fish.

It's friday the 13TH Are ya scared? Does anyone have any true superstitions?
i don't , but it makes for a fun day anyhow.
tell me your thoughts on the day - i think i heard we have four of them this year.  a rare thing.  hmmm.

i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today !
it's really good to see y'all comin back around.  i'm slow, but i'm gettin there - one blog at a time.  in no particular order .. see ya soon..

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

my mind is busy but the body won't follow

somebody help me :((

i swear y'all.  someone out there with the powers that be, simply has to hate me.  no matter what i do - or don't do, i just can't get it together.  i have run out out of ideas, and solutions.  i have come to the conclusion that this is the life that i have been given, and i have to adapt to it.  the way that it is.  i can't force it to change, and i have to stop feeling guilty for the days that i 'can't get up.' 

i have literally a dozen and twelve reasons - to truly not feel good on any given day, yet i find just as many reasons to beat on myself for just that.  a lot of folks call it 'should-ing'.  i should be doing this or that.  i can 'should' myself to death.  many days i nearly do.  some days i will overdo it  so much that i hurt for days.  and i know in advance that it's gonna happen.  sometimes it might only be sitting at the desk for too long workin on business that i'm behind on.  but man, i pay for it.  when that kind of thing happens, and i'm down for days recovering, when i do end up feeling better, guess what happens?  do i bounce back up?  not usually. i end up down even longer -with fear of being 'down' again.  so i'm in baby myself mode for a few days longer.  then i get depressed.  then i get angry.  then comes isolation.  then ya know what happens?  i begin to hurt again, from being lazy, and not doin enough,.  so then what happens?  i end up manic.. and go on a cleaning frenzy - cuz in my week or so of feeling like shit, the entire house and list of responsibilities has only worsened. so,the cycle begins all over again.
and that my friends, is what my life has become.  a cycle of pain, depression, and playing catch-up with life.

what the hell am i supposed to do now?  how do i find a balance in this mess  while at the same time still attempt to show some semblance of 'normalcy' to those around me, when there is none.

i believe i just exited the most difficult year of my life both physically and mentally. and from the looks of it so far, as short as it is 2012 isn't looking too promising either.  at least not physically.  i have spent almost the entire 'year' inside my home.all two weeks of it,  feeling sickly, and in pain.  i have had my first round of spinal steroidal injections of the year, which were no help at all.  and for the first time in as long as i can remember, i cancelled a VA dr appointment the other day - because i felt too bad to drive out there and deal with it.  i never cancel anything that i have on schedule.  i'm a very schedule rigid person.  until now apparently.

it's very difficult for me to look at my life the way that it really is these days.  i'm not giving up.  i'm not giving in.  i just have to figure out what the in between is.  there is a balance somewhere - but where is it for a person like me?  a bi-polar, chronic - everywhere pain havin (multiple diagnoses), Addisons disease havin, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigued, i've fallen and i can't get up self type person ?  that is a lot of crap for one body - every day.  and it's a lot of medication- every day.  i really do try - every day to merely function.  much less, live a full life, and run this house, and keep up with people , places and things.  and God knows i wanna go fishin.  how simple is that?  but just the thought of carrying the tackle bag is too much lately.  beautiful spring like days have gone by this last couple months - and pain and weakness has cost me the things that i love most.  i'm gettin worried now that that depression might be what takes the rest.

i'm gettin older, and this body can't take as much,  and there's no one else to do what i do.  and i don't know what to do about that. some things obviously must be changed.  figurin out what and how is the issue.

has anyone seen soul?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Smoke n choke blog 1- 2012

Mornin folks! How's the new year treatin ya so far? Me? Busy and mean already, if you haven't noticed already. Last time I posted I think we all had the idea that I was 'back' to my good ole blabbathon blogging at least almost daily. At least it was my plan. Initially. Seems I forgot that things are a little diffent here lately... As in months long lately. First of all is my damn pain issues, and I think that might be what began my entire disappearing act in the first place. Some of you know that pain.. To the extent that some of us here just becomes life altering sometimes , and yeh it does me, and and when I get to a point of non- tolerance with it- it gets flat out depressing. So.. Yesterday was the 3 rd , and if you read my last post.. It was the day of my spinal injections. I had high hopes for this round. They haven't done any on my lower back in a couple years.. And I was really trying to be positive that I would get much pain relief. I did not. I did however, spend the rest of the day unhook for the fact I had zero pain relief from the procedure .. There usually is at least some percentage of less pain even as I leave the clinic. Instead it was a bad pain day, spent in bed, or in my chair... Not far from the new norm. Depressing. Next step? Remember the "rhizotomy" ? The first one I had nearly crippled my neck and back for nearly five months. Since then I have had at least one more which was very helpful and worked for several months. ,but that was like two years ago tho, i think. Damn insurance crackin down. So, even tho it can be scary, especially since this will be my lower back, targeting my back and legs- if it happens - it's hard to not be afraid that if it goes wrong.. I may face a wheelchair for who knows how long. Legs happen to be quite important ya know, and mine seem to only worsen over time. Sometimes I think I get like a wounded animal. " don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't make me go anywhere..just leave me alone! And we all know, that is a 'bad place for me to be'. Anyhow, that was a long version of why no one saw me yesterday.

The day before yesterday, I was actually somewhat communicative to some, catchin up with a few folks online, even catching up with some way far behind games online. Many I hadn't played or responded to 'chat comments' in over ten days. Three folks I'd been playin with for several months- and gettin to know , resigned- obviously with hurt feelings' and not knowing why I 'disappeared then came from nowhere. Only one will be missed' a young guy goin in the air force soon.. We talked often when we played , having military in common, he had many questions, and we just had a good time playin. Was I surprised that people were upset? Nope. Did I see it comin? Yep. Yep I did. I even, as trying to at least motivate myself.. Would say 'self.. If don't reconnect with your friends, they aren't gonna be there much longer. It happens though. It has happened with me before. It ain't easy earning that trust back... That I do 'go inside myself sometimes'. And not always do folks understand how to not take that personally. Ya just gotta know that it isn't.

Oops- got off track.. But day before yesterday, I was getting back on track in the morning.. When guess what happened? Mr. Douglass - one of our many kitty cats, suddenly had a bought of uncontrollable runny poops. Everywhere! It took a bit to find the cause and location of the suffocating odor. We thought it was big dog Eevee. It was not. Poor Douglas ha 'lost it' in at least four different locations around the house. The most concerning being near the cat food bowl!! I began 'inspecting kitty butts'. We have four of them, you know. He was third .. And with his fluffy hair, and plumes tail.. It was not a fun discovery. What scared me terribly was that we had a cat when soul kid was about four or five.. The only cat I had ever seen before or since to 'lose control' that way. And the outcome was not good. So, I put him in his crate and got the earliest vet appointment I could get. His diagnosis? Colonists. Don't ask me. He doesn't eat people food.. All the cats eat the same food. No recent changes. Just an expensive mystery illness. And meds. He's been ok since. Happy about that obviously. But WTH? A 90.00 vet bill? What a way to start the new year...with one of my goals being to save money, yeh, not doin so well in that department already. Aside from the vet bill, I had to drop four hundred for yesterday's co-pays. AND, today I get to pay off soulmans surgery. An easy 1000.00 + that would've been a good start in a college fund. Whaaaa.

Can ya tell that I'm not using my 'Dragon software' this time? I think it's takin longer to type it out, but soulman was asleep when I started the post, and I thought.. If he wakes up, and I'm in here talkin to myself? I don't think it would go over too well. HA!

So anyways.. Here me is! I have no idea what I just said.. I'm lookin at a microscopic blog post.. And have been up way too long already. But I'm checking in, just like I said I would.
I have lots to do today.. Or at least planned to do.. Wish me luck on at least some success there. Gotta start somewhere right

I've fallen and I can't get up!,,, soul down !,,
I get knocked down, but I get up again.
Don't fall down now, you'll never get up again.

Name those tunes.
And have some really good days in your worlds today!
I am doin what I can.. Todo what I can.

And I miss ya!
I'll getmy shit together soon. Some things need to come first tho... I reckon I must learn to prioritize. It's been tough with everyone home for so long. My routine got tossled.

Later folks...

Sunday, January 1, 2012

hey y'all i'm not in the morgue

Howdy y’all
Long time no see, again.  happy new year !
 I’m trying out a new gadget I got for Christmas.  It’s one of those things that that when you talk into a headset (mic)  it makes the computer type for you.  So far I think it’s more hassle than it is good.   If you’ve ever talked to me you would know why.  You have to speak clearly and perfectly.  And I do neither.  I wanted it in order to help me write my book that I’ve talked about for years, and have gotten nowhere with.  It says you can train it to speak the way that you do, but until then you’ll all have to get used to me speaking good English – or somewhat so. Or at least try to.  Anyhow, it will obviously be of good use to help me with my book. Moving on, I just wanted you to know that it is me who is talking to you. And not soulman or somebody . Ha!
So. what is going on in your world?  There’s not a whole lot new in mine.  Me and soulman when out on a real live grown-up date last night for the first time  in 18 years for New Year’s Eve.  Kidless, and somewhat dressed up. Do you think we made it through the night without talking about the child?  We did not.  It was kind of odd without her there.
But it was nice.  We need to do that more often.  It’s almost weird to think that we’ve been married nearly 20 years, and to realize that soulkid is almost 18 years old in Three more months.  Crazy to think that you all have been with me through her roughest times as a teenager.  And there sure have been some rough times. I don’t think the clan would have made it intact without you.
She is doing very well these days.  She’s had the same boyfriend for over a year, they spent the evening together last night, and she cooked dinner for him while we went out. Later we all brought in the new year together. that was nice, but sadly, it’s probably the last New Year’s Eve that she will want to be with us at midnight.  I reckon that’s all right by me. Our little family is growing up.
She will be starting college soon, and probably have a part-time job, which will leave little time for family. She has been off work for a couple months, so I’m kind of used to having her around a lot more lately.  It will be strange getting used to her being, gone a lot again.  But c’est la vie.  And good for her, she is on the right path.
Soulman will be back on schedule soon   as well.  He missed a lot of work with his foot surgery.  I don’t even know if I told you all about that.  I reckon I’ll save that for another day – gross pictures, and all. I will tell you it was not fun for him . It was elective not an emergency. So don’t worry.  He is fine now, but doing physical therapy once or twice a week.
I suppose once they are back on track with their own  lives, there will be no better time than the then, for me to begin my own.  It seems everything Put on hold – or maybe even came to a screeching halt, and I don’t even know why.  It just did.  For whatever reason, sometime back in August or so, life just stopped for me.  Maybe it wasn’t so sudden as that, I think it was more in chunks or sections.  Like a pie getting sliced. First to go was fishing, next was blogging well maybe blogging was first. Surely it was. Then it was people. Online and real-life people. Everyone.  It was just everything piece by piece. I’m just let go and watch everything fall away.  In this last couple of weeks I have had e-mails, and phone calls, even messages on some games on my phone – from people wondering if I’m still alive.  Shame on me.  Blame it on Christmas . I’m just kidding.  I don’t know why I did it, or what happened. I just crawled into my cave again. I don’t really feel like coming out of it just yet but I know that I need to whether I like it or not.  It’s getting too comfortable.
I saw my pain doctor a couple days ago. She wants me to have more shots.  Yippee! Not.  But I am scheduled for January third at noon. Soulman is my driver as usual.  This time it is for my low back and will hopefully help with back and leg pain.  I want to go fishing.  I want to go out to lunch, I want to be normal.
Anyways I reckon I shall try to keep in better touch with y’all this year.  Looks like I only posted 37 times in the past 12 months. That’s pretty pitiful for me. So since I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions, that is a start. So I pity you who reads these pages in the coming year.  Come with coffee!