Friday, October 19, 2012

here i am again

hello --

it's another day -- another day that will be busy in both body and mind...  but there is progress being made.  there is a lot of things that need to be taken care of here.  but it is happening. 

if anyone wants to reach me , most of ya know how to do that -- well.. obviously THIS is one of best ways right here .. cuz it comes here AND to my email...
then there's facebook .. oh, how i loathe facebook...  but i use it lately as i try to reconnect with my peeps.  it's helping.
i have text on my phone -- which i would rather use than my actual speaking voice -- especially right now -- but -- i have spoken to a couple folks and it aint that bad.
 i will be attempting to get hooked up on SKYPE soon.. i have no friggin idea how to do that -- i will find someone to help me tho. 

i have been 'isolated' for so long i just don't know how to act.  i feel like i'm somewhere between being born, or being released from prison  :))
i'm not sure.  i feel pretty socially retarded though.  i have forgotten how to talk to people... i have lost my ability to write freely or creatively. 
a lot has changed for me and in me ... but oh, how i blame the meds.  i was blind to so much. 
'i was blind but now i see.'

ok--- i gotta GET UP --

have happy days in your worlds today !

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Don't let the limp fool ya

ok. so. i have no idea where to start this thing.  we went to Galveston for the weekend.  i attempted to pen blog.. as we had no internet -- .  i had my iphone -- which may have allowed me to post -- but i can't remember now if it was my failing vision, or a technical issue that wouldn't let me post on it.  but i did try.  when i did have internet access the dumb IPAD, for whatever stupid reason refuses to let me post pix on my blog.  these little issues frustrate me right into a frenzy.  i'm too old for this.  electronics are supposed to make life easier.  i'm tellin ya-- for the cost, they sure should!  they do not.

we went down there for a 'timeshare upgrade' meeting.  call me forrest gump' - i had no idea that it was gonna be like a car trade in type thing.  -stupid is as stupid does-  ugh.  yeh. they wanted us to trade in our cabin time share .. which i love actually, for one of their condo types.  it would have been a good deal IF that was what we wanted -- which included going about 20,000 further in debt... while ours is deeded bought and paid for.  of course we said no .   i really can't even fathom the thought of paying that much for a timeshare in the first place.  much less when ya add the equity of our own, and their so called cash offer on top of that.  holy cow.  they must be insane.  but oh well. it's a business.

we did enjoy ourselves tho.  soulkid brought her boyfriend , and it was a nice litttle trip.

 here's a couple pix you've mostly all prolly seen -
on the beach in Galveston

"the rats are workin , turnin those wheels"

 so anyways, i have really been wantin to get back into blogging.  i feel very disconnected from y'all.  i feel disconnected from the world really. but i am inchin my way back. i see you.

i mentioned here a lil bit back that i was goin off my anti depressants.  wow.  what a friggin ride.  and not a fun one.  most of the physical side effects are gone now.  they lasted for several weeks.  they were severe, and at times near debilitating. 
i have been on one anti depressant or another -- sometimes more than one at a time -- for over sixteen years.  to me that is absolutely crazy.  almost malpractice or abuse - neglect even -- , thinking now - with a somewhat cleared head.  yeh, i think i needed them when i was initially prescribed them.  i know they saved my life at the time.  but now?  OMG-- other times?  i think they did more harm than good.  i think they really did a lot of damage to my mind and my soul.

i saw my shrink last week , and she was about to put me on another one -- an anti depressant.  because i had told her that i didn't take the 'Effexor" - OR the "Viibryd" -- that i was Supposed to be taking.  -- which meant i was on NO anti depressant.  she then wrote a RX for -- i think she said 'Luvox", but i'm not sure , because i haven't taken it.  i did fill the prescription.  -- just in case.  but i have not taken it.  'how is my anxiety' - you ask?  ugh.  well, i do have PTSD.. you know.  i have a major anxiety/panic disorder, and it can get pretty bad at times.  i have been trying very very hard to keep the stress down, but that is difficult.  but hey-- i'm trying.  and this is new to me.

in this last 12 months this dr. has had me on - or prescribed --

?--somethin i can't remember--
prozac - quit workin -- ... i prolly had a bad day... oh gosh-- an emotion  :((
celexa -- this stuff nearly killed me .. for real.. it took a long time to know this.
prozac --  pretty sure i went back on prozac -- i think i just was worn down from summer trips/
effexor - a panic attack from hell caused some issues --leading to a med change -- and i got this
 viibryd -- then this -- that i did not take -
luvox -- then this -- that i did not take --

i had severe withdrawals from the celexa as well as the effexor - .  it was around march when i went off of the celexa and back on the prozac.

then there was a med change - screw-up after the summer vacations -- and i had a big addissons problem then too.  i got really sick.  did i get hurt around that time?  seems like i got hurt.  i can't even remember.
yup still have memory problems... but they're getttin better -- a little bit.  -- ahh yes -- march -- the tub.  owie.

things are gonna get better.  i been prayin a lot.  a lot a lot.  so that means that things are gonna get better. 

so -- like i said -- don't let the limp fool ya .. things aren't always what they look like
so --- what do y'all think --- don't you think you'd be a little confused at times too?  sometimes i think the woman is just trying to get a kickback from the med company or somethin.  i really don't know.  i used to literally trust her with my life.  now i do not trust her at all.  i am trying to talk myself into gettin a new shrink.  i do need the xanax prescribed -.  so. hmmmm.  things that make ya go 'hmmmm'

so --  as my mind and body filter out all the anti depressant poison after all these years...  a lot is becoming more clear to me.  a lot of it i can't really just put here on these pages, but maybe another time i can, or will.  but i can say this much -- those damned meds sure can control and change a person.
 did y'all hear that part?   those friggin meds really can AND DO control, and change a person.   many times without them even noticing.

i have lost years of my life due to these meds.  and what they have done to me.  and what i have let them let people do to me. or worse -- what they have caused me to do to people....
 it's really too bad that so much has gone wrong with me physically along the way.  it would be nice to have found all this out and be in better physical condition.  ya know what i mean?  cuz there's not a lot i can really do now -- i'm still a mess.

i don't know what to do with myself right now.
 mentally... i feel ok.  i don't feel crazy - mental- depressed -- none of that kinda stuff.  i have to wonder how much of that was medically induced.
like i said -- i am dealing with a lot of anxiety - but that's why i have xanax - it helps.
physically-- pain is a bitch -- we know that.

i'm just takin things one step at a time... all i know at this point is -- a stagnant pond begins to stink after awhile.

Friday, October 12, 2012

jibber jabber

there is my happy lil Sushi.  she's such a little knucklehead.  we got her a Halloween 'costume the other day. it's a just a shirt - but she absolutely loves it !  we got one last year -- maybe the year before -- it was a bee -- she loves that too.  i have seen cats wear clothes at times -- but not so much dogs.  and i'm not sure that any of them actually like it.  sushi LOVES to wear clothes!

 this is the new one -- a punkin :))
and she is a punkin head as we all know

year before last - a bee -- she loves it even now
sometimes i get it out - 
i call it her coat to her, and she gets thrilled to put it on !

if she wouldn't slip out of her leash -- or bark like a foll, at nothing , and everything -- it would be so much fun to take her out 'trick or treating' !!  she would be the cutest thing on the street  :))  well, since we don't have a little kid  :))  she would have to be right?

well, the pic at the top of the page?  that was earlier today,  i felt so horrible.  she loves to ride in the car, and you'd think the poor girl would have it figured out by now... (that when she goes in the car -- she's not just goin for a ride -- :((
i wish i could have had the time to just be takin her 'bye bye'.  but i wasn't.  nope.  we were on our way to the kennel.  i never like to take her there.  i never have and i am sure i never will.  but this was the worst time ever.  this time she is there 'alone'. all the other times, she went with either Midnight, or Eevee.  and the kennel would always make sure that they were next to each other, and went potty together etc.  ugh.  this time, she is there all by herself.  i asked if they would take extra special  care of her, and i of course told them that Eevee -- well, that she wasn't 'with us' anymore.  they asked, of course. we have used this kennel for several years - way back to even when we had midnight.  they were sad.  it made me sad. er.  and wouldn't ya know -- i had to go and do this little errand by myself.  it seems that the harder things that need to be done, end up being done by me most of the time..  and somehow - for whatever reason.. i end up being alone when it's done.  i just can't like it.  but i do do it.  and i will continue to do it.  

i have been busy all day .. trying to get ready for a weekend away.  we are goin to galveston for the weekend . the boyfriend is comin with us.  i hope we are able to have a fun and relaxing time.  none of us have ever been down there.  this was a pretty spur of the moment thing.  we got a phone call .. and accepted the offer of sittin thru a time share (upgrade) speil.  hey why not right. we own the darn thing -- we won't be upgrading. but why not take a 'free' weekend away.  the worst thing is leavin the pup. deep down i know she will be fine . nothin bad has ever happened there before. i am only worried because of the recent loss of EEvee.  Lord that is still hurting my heart.  but it's not like that's never happened.  it'll heal.

anyone know what we should check out whilst in galveston?  we will be right on the water -- temps should be 82 ish.  

well.. interruption -- has occured -- i have been fightin with my car dealer about my broke navigation system and they called and i dont have time or patience but have to call them -- bah!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i found it --

there it is -- the 'unstuck' button.  i just cannot seem to get it to work.  :((   the same goes for the getup button.  hmmmm.  i'm workin on it tho.  i am making the effort .  i am making the effort -- i am making the effort.  :)) 

so -- today -- my to do list was for stuff that had to be done away from home... but guess what?  i was trapped at home - due to trees being cut down outside my home.. and i had to stay here til they were done, because i couldn't pay them in advance -- just in case they were to damage somethin - or some other kind of thing. ya know?  so -- my to do list? yeh -- it's  well -- in the stuck position. ( well - subject to change - but it is gettin late in the day - and my pain is gettin bad again ) s0 --

as for me?  sort of unstuck... but i'm 'willing.'   that's the first step -- right.  i'm tryin.. is that the second step?  now,  doing.. well now.. that might be the third step .. and i do -- well, DO.  some stuff.

trying to talk trees with tree guys -- when you are a social phobe and borderline socially retarded -- well that is a big effort -- and well, pretty much humiliating. to say the least.  this isn't the first time i had to talk to these guys .. but it never gets easier.  but hey, nothin awful happened, and i didn't get too badly taken for granted.  in fact i think i got a pretty good bargain. i am missin a cute lil tree -- but the insurance company will finally be off me arse for havin branches on my house. - and shed.  i can't believe that was a problem.  but it was,. ugh.   and you would never ever believe how the tree guy was hired by me in the first place.  it could only happen to me --
well, you see, one day in the recent  past..  i heard some noise in my back yard -- i went to see what it was ... it was branches -- from the house behind me fallin into our yard -- onto my storage shed and onto my bushes etc.  i started yellin over there --- over the sound of saws etc.. and i was none too kind either.. :))  they were screwin up my shed -- and killin my plants/bushes -- i don't know what kind of bushes they are -- but they are plants -- not like ratty bushes -- you know what i mean right.   anyhow...  i made him come over and pick all that shit up!!! 

then i was like --- oh by the way ----  LOL  -- i shit you not ---  i asked him if he wanted to cut OUR branches back etc -- and he said sure -- quoted me a price, and i gave him the job  :))

i can't believe it myself ... i don't mean to be so harsh sometimes.  i really am a nice person.  i tipped them a 20.00 when they left today.  and told them to call in a few days cuz we might have more work later.

we are doin some big jobs around the house.  some of y'all have seen the floor work we did -- there's also painting and other stuff  to do.  so much , that it hurts my brain when i think about it. but it will look awesome when it gets finished.

so anyways -- i am hungry -- it's makin my head  hurt -- the day flies passed me and i realize i haven't eaten .. by then it's almost dinner - it happens way too often.

so.  i guess i will go and figure out what i am gonna do with myself - and - or my to do list


Monday, October 8, 2012

It's a new day

And i'm gonna treat it like one
Welcome to today in soulland

Sunday, October 7, 2012

i'm tryin

holy hell people.  it has been a helluva road this passed weeks -- maybe even months.  some of you know that.  i might even go as far as to say it's been a tough year.  but i will also say that things are lookin up.  it took a lot to get to the point i'm at now.  it isn't an easy place.  it is a place of readiness.  that's all.  just a place where i have realized some stuff.  what stuff?  well, that i am an asshole.  i really need y'all to point that out sometimes.  especially the times that i push y'all away.  i almost ruined my life here lately.  in a very real way. 
i always thought and said that i could turn my back and never look back----  maybe i could do that.  maybe not.  i almost found out.  in the process ?  i hurt the most important people in my life.  i also lost myself while doing it.  in a very real way.  i'm physically still here -- spiritually lost.. and  a mess. but i'm workin on it- and seeing improvement this passed few days.. it's a lot of work to find a map that  has a compass for all these places to come together again.
 the human spirit -- is a complex thing.  especially mine.  i love so many people.  on such a deep level... it honestly gets confusing .  i am confusing in my own right.  add my issues .. and no tellin what ya get.   soul cocktail?
you all are some very special folks.  you have hearts of gold.  many of you have been here for years, and dealt with me, and my crazy heart for years.  that is called unconditional love.  i never mean to push you away.  but i always do mean to come back...and i am never far away.  i am always right here.  and i never stop thinking about you.  what goes through my mind when i do 'go away'?  ---- that i am messed up'... too messed up to be un-judged-/  

someone said to me once about another bi-polar person...  'blank is fucked up'...  that person was NO worse off than me.  blank has a mood disorder.  and has had losses in their life, and that is hard to deal with sometimes.  this person was - in this other persons 'judgement'  - fucked up' -- in a nutshell.
at that moment -- i think i changed my entire attitude about who i am.  that was a long time ago.   it made me feel judged.  by everyone.  it made me feel like i need to be reassured that i'm ok.  and NOT f'd up. 

well... i think i know 'now' .. in my recent world obliteration... and reconstruction...   it was that persons own -- f'd upness -- -- that person must be judgemental about others to feel ok about their own world.     because it wasn't just one person they judged.  that person was downright mean about many people.   

so if anyone wants to judge me -- look at your own self first -- cuz i have a good world -- and i have too many wonderful friends in it to even feel judged --- y'all need to come kick my ass when i run away -- please -- do that.  the person i am talkin about is prolly readin this right now.  maybe judgin me too.  and i don't care.    i DO care that i'm makin my comeback.. and i am gonna be ok.  
pain, issues, and all.....  because i have the best friends evah !!!

and they love me unconditionally -- i am learning that..  i have a ways to go -- but i'm makin it.

my first step is to stop takin life and people too damn seriously.  myself included.  geesh.  i have a bad day - and think the world is ending.  ugh. 

shit happens and people react.  correct?  it's ok to get angry.  it's ok to cry.  it's ok to have feelings.  emotions do not make me crazy.  why i feel crazy when i have a feeling is beyond me.  why i feel 'judged ' or abandoned over stupid stuff -- i do not understand.  but -- i am starting things over as of now. 

hello,  welcome to my blog... folks call me soul--- 

i hope you have a happy day in your world today -- i am tryin

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

a blurb

check.  check.  yep.  this thing still works. 

must be me who's broke.  i'm still here tho.  sometimes  unable to complete a sentence, or write a comment on facebook without drawing a blank...   but i am still here.  

i really miss the days when bloggin was a daily thing for me , and my friends who read them... we connected on a totally different level than facebook.  and now it seems that all there is anymore is facebook.. and i just can't like it.
facebook just doesn't let me say as much as i need to say -- of course at the moment - i don't have a lot to say --  but at least here i can say whatever, and however much i want to say -- 

i just hate facebook.  i wanted to let you know.  :))