Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Don't let the limp fool ya

ok. so. i have no idea where to start this thing.  we went to Galveston for the weekend.  i attempted to pen blog.. as we had no internet -- .  i had my iphone -- which may have allowed me to post -- but i can't remember now if it was my failing vision, or a technical issue that wouldn't let me post on it.  but i did try.  when i did have internet access the dumb IPAD, for whatever stupid reason refuses to let me post pix on my blog.  these little issues frustrate me right into a frenzy.  i'm too old for this.  electronics are supposed to make life easier.  i'm tellin ya-- for the cost, they sure should!  they do not.

we went down there for a 'timeshare upgrade' meeting.  call me forrest gump' - i had no idea that it was gonna be like a car trade in type thing.  -stupid is as stupid does-  ugh.  yeh. they wanted us to trade in our cabin time share .. which i love actually, for one of their condo types.  it would have been a good deal IF that was what we wanted -- which included going about 20,000 further in debt... while ours is deeded bought and paid for.  of course we said no .   i really can't even fathom the thought of paying that much for a timeshare in the first place.  much less when ya add the equity of our own, and their so called cash offer on top of that.  holy cow.  they must be insane.  but oh well. it's a business.

we did enjoy ourselves tho.  soulkid brought her boyfriend , and it was a nice litttle trip.


 here's a couple pix you've mostly all prolly seen -
on the beach in Galveston



"the rats are workin , turnin those wheels"

 so anyways, i have really been wantin to get back into blogging.  i feel very disconnected from y'all.  i feel disconnected from the world really. but i am inchin my way back. i see you.

i mentioned here a lil bit back that i was goin off my anti depressants.  wow.  what a friggin ride.  and not a fun one.  most of the physical side effects are gone now.  they lasted for several weeks.  they were severe, and at times near debilitating. 
i have been on one anti depressant or another -- sometimes more than one at a time -- for over sixteen years.  to me that is absolutely crazy.  almost malpractice or abuse - neglect even -- , thinking now - with a somewhat cleared head.  yeh, i think i needed them when i was initially prescribed them.  i know they saved my life at the time.  but now?  OMG-- other times?  i think they did more harm than good.  i think they really did a lot of damage to my mind and my soul.

i saw my shrink last week , and she was about to put me on another one -- an anti depressant.  because i had told her that i didn't take the 'Effexor" - OR the "Viibryd" -- that i was Supposed to be taking.  -- which meant i was on NO anti depressant.  she then wrote a RX for -- i think she said 'Luvox", but i'm not sure , because i haven't taken it.  i did fill the prescription.  -- just in case.  but i have not taken it.  'how is my anxiety' - you ask?  ugh.  well, i do have PTSD.. you know.  i have a major anxiety/panic disorder, and it can get pretty bad at times.  i have been trying very very hard to keep the stress down, but that is difficult.  but hey-- i'm trying.  and this is new to me.

in this last 12 months this dr. has had me on - or prescribed --

?--somethin i can't remember--
prozac - quit workin -- ... i prolly had a bad day... oh gosh-- an emotion  :((
celexa -- this stuff nearly killed me .. for real.. it took a long time to know this.
prozac --  pretty sure i went back on prozac -- i think i just was worn down from summer trips/
effexor - a panic attack from hell caused some issues --leading to a med change -- and i got this
 viibryd -- then this -- that i did not take -
luvox -- then this -- that i did not take --

i had severe withdrawals from the celexa as well as the effexor - .  it was around march when i went off of the celexa and back on the prozac.

then there was a med change - screw-up after the summer vacations -- and i had a big addissons problem then too.  i got really sick.  did i get hurt around that time?  seems like i got hurt.  i can't even remember.
yup still have memory problems... but they're getttin better -- a little bit.  -- ahh yes -- march -- the tub.  owie.

things are gonna get better.  i been prayin a lot.  a lot a lot.  so that means that things are gonna get better. 

so -- like i said -- don't let the limp fool ya .. things aren't always what they look like
so --- what do y'all think --- don't you think you'd be a little confused at times too?  sometimes i think the woman is just trying to get a kickback from the med company or somethin.  i really don't know.  i used to literally trust her with my life.  now i do not trust her at all.  i am trying to talk myself into gettin a new shrink.  i do need the xanax prescribed -.  so. hmmmm.  things that make ya go 'hmmmm'

so --  as my mind and body filter out all the anti depressant poison after all these years...  a lot is becoming more clear to me.  a lot of it i can't really just put here on these pages, but maybe another time i can, or will.  but i can say this much -- those damned meds sure can control and change a person.
 did y'all hear that part?   those friggin meds really can AND DO control, and change a person.   many times without them even noticing.

i have lost years of my life due to these meds.  and what they have done to me.  and what i have let them let people do to me. or worse -- what they have caused me to do to people....
 it's really too bad that so much has gone wrong with me physically along the way.  it would be nice to have found all this out and be in better physical condition.  ya know what i mean?  cuz there's not a lot i can really do now -- i'm still a mess.



i don't know what to do with myself right now.
 mentally... i feel ok.  i don't feel crazy - mental- depressed -- none of that kinda stuff.  i have to wonder how much of that was medically induced.
like i said -- i am dealing with a lot of anxiety - but that's why i have xanax - it helps.
physically-- pain is a bitch -- we know that.

i'm just takin things one step at a time... all i know at this point is -- a stagnant pond begins to stink after awhile.

8 comments:

Kristy said...

I could never take an anti-depressant succesfully. Always, caused major problems either to flat or to manic. I totally stopped trying them about 5-6 years ago. Am I still depressed at times yes but not as bad as what they did to me physically and emotionally. Not a good thing to put a bipolar person on and can be dangerous. I do use a Sad lamp though and do what I can and leave the rest when Im not severally depressed.

SOUL said...

yep -- what a mistake -- and for such a long time. damn things fried my brain.. seems -- well.. some things are better left unsaid ... but i am not very happy about a few things right now. i AM happy that i am regaining control over my mind tho. hopefully i will grab hold of the reigns and head in the right direction ! rather than just 'be'. UGH
that's not even right. to 'be' , would be to be calm. i can't even describe 'it'.
thanks for comin by
did ya whistle while worked? :))

SOUL said...

grrrrr- why isn't anyone talkin to meeeeeee? :((

Josie Two Shoes said...

I read this yesterday and was so pleased with the direction you're going Soul Sis! Sorry it took me this long to get back to comment. Work is exhausting and I'm often brain dead by nighttime. My daughter has gone thru a long list of anti-depressants before too, and arrived at the same conclusion, she is far better off- and more stable - without them. They may work short term and I think they are fine for getting over the rough spots in life, but in the long run you still have to find a way to keep going despite some bad days/weeks. She's learned that it does cycle and doesn't last forever. You are sounding so much better and I love that you are reaching out again! Hope to see you commenting at my place more often, I've missed you! And hey, you looked ten years younger in those new pictures from Galveston - the sea air and clear mind are doing you good!OXOX

SOUL said...

joz! ola soul sis --

you're right and she's right -- meds are a big ole scam. i don't know what is gonna happen in the future - but it has got to be better than what has been goin on ---- i feel like i just got out of jail after a very long stint !!!

very very good to see you --- as always --

hope you have a happy day in your world
OX!

Brenda said...

I'm taking prozac finally. The V one didn't do much for me cause I couldn't take the higher dose. It keeps me from constantly crying so I will keep on taking it for now. I sure hope you are taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do for YOU. (((Hugs)))

SOUL said...

Brenda. I'm doin the best i can... And i know you are too. Prozac is actually a good medicine. You know what they say about too much of a good thing tho. Im not saying anything against meds that help folks... I did say they helped me. I DEFINITELY am not saying anything bad about anyone who takes em. I could be back on meds tomorrow for all i know. What i am saying, is that i have been overly and unnecearraily medicated for way too long. That word wrote itself. :)).
Ya know what i mean? I love you ! I hope i didn't hurt your feelins- i would never do that! HUGS!!!!!!!

Donna said...

Glad to see you blogging again and getting clean from the meds. You hit the nail on the head when you said the word "poison." The meds cause their own sets of problems, plus they hurt your important body parts like livers. It's a never ending spiral unless you choose not to use them.

Here's something that may be a shocker to you. Or not. (I'm going to tell you like it is. It's how I roll.) Everyone has issues. Everyone has to deal with crap - mental, physical, or both. One just has to decide whether to rise above it and carry on. Life can be a shit sandwich. But it can also be quite wonderful and blessed. In fact, it can be both at the same time. Been there, done that, and I have a lot of t-shirts in my closet. So this is my experience talking.

One foot in front of the other. You CAN do it. Dig down for that natural stubborn streak and put it to good use for yourself instead of against yourself. (I can say that because I have a considerable stubborn streak, LOL.)

Be your own best friend.

Love you, kiddo!