Saturday, March 22, 2008

check this out

it's a smoke - n - choke ring !!!!

maybe a square ring would fit my puffy fingers??

crybaby alert

by the looks of all the comments from the previous post-- it seems that something was in the air yesterday in blogland. WTH?? all of blogworld had a crappy day in one way or another . tired and bitchy was the theme of the day.

i don't think mine ever did get any better-- i do hope things changed for at least some of y'all.

i know a lot of things are going on in many of y'alls worlds that would throw me into a funk myself;
so i do understand. so it kinda makes me feel like a crybaby-- as usual, when i whine about my crap here.

it gets to where i just don't even want to write anything. but then i feel bad when or if i don't. so then i just end up feelin bad all over. do i write and whine-- or not write and whine. crap.

some days lately haven't been so bad here lately. at least not until recently. i think the thing that hit me hardest was after i found out the tests were good, believed that i would be able to drive, then found out that i was wrong about that. and then--- getting sick, and hubby having to miss work. not to mention.. some soulkid troubles-- not "trouble" just the normal teenager crap--that i know i should handle differently-- ugh. some days though i swear-- that girl amazes me.. she's like a kid straight from heaven... then other days-- i just wonder if i can ever fix what i didn't do right up to now. i'm sure there are ways... but they can't be easy. it would be a whole new regimen, and transition. i'm talkin all the way to her wanting to eat like a three year old again. as in her own separate meal at dinner time.. i had thought i had fixed that crap! finally after years of fixing two separate dinners-- she now decides-- she can't or won't eat this or that. after she had been for weeks etc. wtf , is UP with that-- at this age? why now?

ok-- you know-- i'm just venting here-- not asking for advice-- or criticism. we were all 14 once. i remember being 14. admittedly-- i did alot more than pick at what i was served for dinner, and skip a chore or two. or even tell a fib or whatever. it's just that some of the things she's doing-- i did-- because it was self preservation on my part. she knows she isn't gonna get shipped off "somewhere", or get her ass kicked, or something ... yet she pulls the i'm gonna see how far i can go and still get what i want card. and i'm tellin ya -- it isn't gonna last much longer.

ok--- now that you know why i am awake at 4 30 a.m... again. seein as i had been sleepin til 530-6 for the passed several weeks. no she isn't the only reason. but yes , i have my mind full of crap yet again. seems every day or two another hour or two gets knocked off my sleep again.
in some ways it's alright. i sorta like having time in the morning to myself. i always have really. i like no tv, or talking, or anything like that. it's just weird that i had begun to set my alarm , in order to get at least a half hour of alone time in the morning and was even sleeping thru that, and now here i am ....up before the chickens again.

my damn back is in knots .. yep--still. goin on over a week straight. wtf. yes i know-- i bitch about my back all the time-- but this is stupid. soulman finally broke down in my agony last night and gave me a massage-- it saved my life. i was about to cry it hurt so damn bad. it helped, and i was able to at least get to sleep.
but what did i think about while he did it? all i could think was "this isnt gonna last very long, i hope it works".. and also-- i hate motherfuckin in the hell can or why, do doctors allow people to be in pain?"
i hate them. i do.

someone breaks a leg and gets a million pain pills, that they take four of and flush the rest--- another person who hurts daily for half their life , gets called a drug seeker---and can't get more than motrin without being treated like shit. so much so they become afraid to even ask for a pain pill. yep i'm talkin about me. i'm just sick of it. i have been in excruciating pain, "reduced myself" to go to the dr for meds.. finally get the nerve to go, and ask.. and leave in tears... after the lecture of chronic pain and narcotics, and all that crap. or other dumb shit. go to pt, go to a pain clinic. well, i went to a pain clinic.. he called me a drug seeker and told me to see a shrink, and take anti d's.. HEL_-LO--- hey asshole-- i JUST told you i have seen a shrink , And been on anti depressants for 12 years.. wtf difference is YOURS shrink gonna make with MY pain??
needless to say-- i left with nothing and never went back. if "counseling" hasn"t helped my pain or depression after 12 years--why the hell would it start NOW>?

see y'all i told ya i was a bitch.

and i tell ya what else. this no drivers license crap is killin me. i was thinkin last night-- ok.. i could drive around here-- wally hell is down the street, the pond is close, some other things i do are pretty close-- no highways involved etc....
BUT then-- i realized.. son of a bitch.. if i DO get stopped or get in a wreck--- that's another entire frickin YEAR without a license for driving on a suspended... isn't it????

and hubby cannot.. just can't-- keep taking time off-- to cart me around--and take me to dr's all the damn time. so what the hell am i supposed to do???

this is all catchin up with me .. fast.

and yesterday-- man i tell ya... i felt like i had been liftin weights. my arms and shoulders and chest-- from the heaving so bad--- good lawd. it took me a minute to figure out why i was so sore-- then it hit me... it was the pukin my heart out. UGH.

and dare i add--- my kitchen is a shithole once again. how it got this bad -- this fast-- is beyond me... but it looks like a friggin bomb went off in there-- well.. it did. i did everything except wash the dishes.. so it only looks like a bomb went off on the counter now. but geesh.

oh, and before anyone -- if anyone catches it and tells me-- i just now caught it myself-- the dropping the wellbutrin suddenly could quite possibly be causing some of the bitchiness etc. lethargy.. even a bit of depression... sudden med changes can always mess your head.

also the new dog-- she's a good dog..but apparently spent more time out in a kennel than in a house-- so we had one more accident yesterday-- only pee this time-- PHEW. but still-- no, i didn't expect it. i too thought we were getin a trained dog. it is a trained dog-- but apparently "house trained" wasn't part of the deal. it's trained for shutzhund and stuff.. not knockin on the door :))

she has btw, met the cats-- she doesnt care too much about them..they are afraid of her and hide most the time.
sushi is lightening up-- but still lets her know whos house and people this is. sushi is a bitch. and its funny to watch eevee back away from a min pin.
eevee is a belgian melenois-- not a shepherd. she's smaller-- but i still wouldn't wanna piss her off.

anyhow.. there's my crybaby attack for today-- perhaps something will lighten my mood today. i hope so.