Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Merry-nating in my misery

howdy folks-
been a couple days - howaya?

brenda made the comment that we are alike on some days, because she 'mildews'. i found that funny, because one of my lines is that' i'm marinating in my misery".

i don't know, just made me chuckle.
you all did, with your comments below.
i really do know i can be immature and bratty at times. but i guess my 'old timers' know that pretty well by now. and looky -- y'all still put up with it. so i reckon, it maybe irritates you less than it does me. even if only by a little bit.

my mind is like a sponge for (life-long) memories at this time of year ya know. and anything new that happens that hits my sad button, well, it makes everything seem worse.
not that anything is even actually bad at all. for now. it's all in my head-- all the past bad things, bad times, loss, memories, that kind of thing. if only i could put the past away and learn how to live in today i would have a wonderful life, i really would. i really actually, DO.

so, what messed it up this time. well.. y'all know about the 9th. right. if ya don't, that's cuz ya missed a few posts. and i aint goin over it again. so back - track about 5 or 6 or so posts and you may find it.
anyhow-- surprisingly - ON the 9th, and 10th i had some exceptionally bad days. and i allowed myself to stay in the pit of them for a few more. hell, i was sick, i had a good excuse. i really did feel crappy, so did everyone else. it was easy to not get UP.
so i didn't.

well, until, sunday. that's when i actually did motivate - somewhat , and finished up my shopping. well, for the most-part. i never really finish til the last minute- there's this or that i see here or there that i just have to get while i'm out. ya know?
anyhow. yeh on sunday...it didn't devastate me, but it sure did take the wind outta my sales for a while. i had a couple cards and mail that came here for the old folks who lived here before. we bought the house from them, and the old lady moved next door with her grand-daughter and her family- while the old man moved in with his son-- as they built their new house-- which was to be finished within days of today. days.
well several days ago, a flower delivery guy had come over, and i just told him to take em next door. after he left me and soulman looked at each other-- and at the same time-- just having 'that look' he said 'wow, i hope nuthin bad happened'. i told him i was thinkin the same thing, and then 'why do we think so negative all the time'.

so. back to sunday. i took the mail over. i also asked (the grand-daughter) - this being the first time she and i had even spoken to each other. up until then, i had thought she was her daughter. but anyhow, i have spoken to the old lady several times. i didn't quite know how to bring it up so i just asked--
did you get the flowers the other day?'
she said ,'oh yes, thanks.'
i asked
' it wasn't for anything bad, was it?"
and she stepped out of her door at that moment- and said almost in a whisper-
"paw-paw died."
it was so strange. i had only talked to him a few times. he was somethin else too. skinny ole guy, wearin ole denim overalls. friendly guy. these folks had been married for-ever. their house was almost built. his design, his hands.
it wasn't sposed to be like this.
she said he was just playin with the kids on thanksgiving, playin football-- nothin major- the kids are small... no one expected a thing.
he just got sick.
apparently his colon busted. maybe they didn't catch it in time??/
who knows?
but yeh. he got extremely ill, and it killed him. i assume he got septic? maybe. she wasn't sure, and i sure aint either.
but it was sad.
and of course i am sad for that family. they were soooo close. big family,. like the waltons.
when we moved in there was a path worn to the dirt where they had all walked back and forth between the two homes so many times the grass just wouldn't grow anymore. the grass is grown over the path now, paw paw is gone now, maw maw is gonna move into her new house soon- alone.
it's not a happy ending. and i can't like it.

i saw my shrink yesterday and told her what's been goin on lately, what's on my mind etc. she said it's all 'normal' stuff.
so i reckon that's a good thing, to have human emotions, and not have to worry about cracking up.

so i reckon i'll just roll with it-- if y'all can deal with it- that makes it all the better.

oh, one more thing-- for any of you folks who got cards from me-- i am NOT Stacey :))
that would be soulMAN

brenda would be my "name" -- i do like soul better tho-
but Donna- it's ok for you to call me brenda. only you tho :))

hoping you all have happy days today in your worlds ---
i think i'll just be lazy in mine (again)