Friday, October 29, 2010

so guess what

you wouldn't guess in a million years.  so- i'll just tell ya.  last night - i'm chillin in my room, hubby was in the livin room, watchin football- or baseball.. whichever. two games - two home team losses.  makes not a happy soulman.  so, he was cruisin online while the games were on.  he comes across a -- are ya ready?  a golf cart!  NO! we don't golf.  never have.  mini golf. sure. don't need a cart for that tho.  anyhow -- yeh sure call us lazy -- he texts me.  don't you text folks in the next room?  admit it - you do -- at least sometimes.  ok. so he texts me.. with a photo of


and there i am.. it's like 10 or 11 pm, i've had my meds... so -- yeh.. i'm chillin...
 i'm like .. aaaaaand???
he says -- do ya want it? 
ummmm... whyyyy would i want a golf cart?   
you could ride it up to the creek , and go fishin!
hmmm.. my wheels start turnin.  -- it is awful CUTE!  :))  then i start thinkin....  hmmm, in a year or two i won't have a drivers license -- this sure beats a bike.  besides that-- my kid walks to the park/creek a lot and i worry-- she could ride this- and i might not worry so much.  and i just keep thinkin-- it's soooo darn cute!  and it's cheap too!  cheap as a weekend away.  i just think it's a cheap- good lil investment-- that we'll actually use.  i'd be much more likely to take that around the block- or to the creek- or even the post office -- than a bike... on a nice day.  even y'all know that.  even with my kid.  i think it would be fun.  or even me n sushi!!!  can you picture that.. me n sushi cruisin the neighborhood?  hmmmm.

so anyhow-- i go ahead and and tell him.. after very little thought... sure-- i'll take it!!  
he called from work this morning to make sure i was really 'ok' with it.. not just the xanax and oh it's so cute-- talkin.  :))  i told him yeh-- i want it.  hell.. a recumbent bike i want is like 300.00 and this isn't a whole lot more.  and if my legs and neck etc don't get any better-- it will still be able to be used-- unlike a bike.  right. 

you should see the images in my mind of it all -- 'souled- up".  hahahahaha

there's another angle.
you wanna go cruisin with me dontchya!?

there's plenty of room for rods and tackle -- or sushi and even eevee.  or like i said-- my kid.. even soulman, if he wanted to go along.  yes.  go on.  call me crazy.  but hey-- i have been without a drivers license before -- only a couple months.. and even me -- the one who hates to go out-- i had my moments that it drove me nuts to not be able to go get cigs or go fishin or at least somewhere.  with this i'll have at least the opportunity to go 'somewhere'.  i think it'll be fun.

anyhow- what else can i bore ya with?  hmmmm.  i don't know.  wanna hear somethin amazing?  my kid is actually upstairs cleaning!!!!  the music that blares down the stairs is about to kill me, but the fact that she is cleaning up there is -- well, that might kill me too -- of a heart attack from disbelief or somethin.  good lawd. it's like ripping limbs off that girl to get her to clean.  really.  but well.. i'm sure i'll pay for it in the end. i don't care tho.  whatever it is she wants-- if it means a clean house -- i'll take it!!!

i have been sittin at this desk for far too long.  i can tell ya that.  i have three choices today.  i think.  i could go take care of business.  i should rather.  or i could spend the day in my warm quiet bed.  you know that is prolly what will win out.  especially now that the pain is worsening.  or i could clean up a few rooms downstairs, and maybe do some laundry.  but-- that's too easy to get out of -- cuz 'i don't feel good'.  besides that?  it's freakin freezin in here.  and i don't know why.  that was a quick damnb turn of the weather.  bleh.  it'll prolly warm up quick tho-- so i don't wanna turn on the heat or anything.  but man i wasn't expectin it to be this cold this morning.

ok y'all... i shall shut my face -- uhhhh, fingers.  and set ya free.

i'll be around later-- i owe everone a visit - i suck as a friend.  i'm so sorry.
hope you all have wonderful weekends and halloweens-- enjoy the little ones!  yours or not--
we don't get trick-or - treaters .. and it gets boring.  we have never lived anywhere that kids come to the house.  :((  either we were always takin ours out-- or others just never came when ours started goin with her friends.  bummer.  they're so cute. 
wow.. that just made me wish i had room in my garage for my car-- freakin hoodlums!
bwa hahahahahaha

happy friday!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

i don't know WTH to say wednesday

thoughtless. but here i am.  for your entertainment.  howya doin?  it's humpday!  yippee.  half way through the week.  isn't that special?  would y'all believe that i have ben busy all week.. well, today hasn't really started .. the busy has , but not the gettin out part.  i can't like it!  i might be gettin used to it.  but i don't like it.  gettin out i mean.  perhaps it's a 'fake it til ya make it' kinda thing, for now.  i know it's good for me.  especially the walking and the sunshine, and the bein forced to communicate with real people outside of my family type stuff.  but man i tell ya.  y'all know by now... i really would rather stay right here where i'm at.  inside my house.. away from people.  away from traffic.  away from anyone, and everything.  just me and my stuff, my pets, my people, myself.  it was- is gettin so bad - i haven't even been goin fishin.  and this is the last of the last good weather days.  WTF is wrong with me?   don't answer that. :))   i already know.  i know the 'real' answer.. and i know half a dozen sarcastic ones too.  but really.  it still doesn't make me 'want' to go or do anything.   

my girl still doesn't have her drivers license.  ugh.  i can't blame her for that tho.  i could. but i won't.  i do anyhow-- but i shouldn't :)).. on the days that i have free that we could go take her road test ?  she usually will tell me she isn't ready.  or she doesn't feel good.  well?  funny thing is?  on those same days?  i don't feel good either -- or i just don't wanna 'go' anywhere.  especially to a small FULL frickin government office, and wait in line etc, and then wait even longer -- and longer for her to wait and then to drive.  ya know?  so-- my bad i reckon.

but -- always a "but" - right?  BUT .. she really needs her license.  and i need her to have it.  like last week.  not only because i don't like to get out and all that.. but also cuz betwen her school, and appointments, and my appointments and errands?  at this rate...  i'm goin somewhere almost every day. and here? it takes hours to go anywhere.. much less two or three somewheres.   then.... once she gets a job?  it'll be even worse-- for me.   why the kid doesn't want her license-- i will never understand.  but she better get it soon. 

the surgeon finally called yesterday to schedule my surgery 'consult'.  i don't know why i thought i'd just waltz in and get surgery.  but i did.  not gonna happen.  i have to pick up my MRI films -- why doesn't the dr do that??? bleh.  then i have an appointment on NOV 2 for the consult - to see if and when i shall have this done. 

i am soooo anxious to get it.  in a good way.  this is the only thing that i have had any real hope in for any bit of pain releif in ages.  i mean that would last for any length of time ya know.  i don't know many people -- y'all know that.  most people i know - live in the computer  :))   in fact even a couple of the ones i know who had this surgery do... but i or hubby know a couple in 'real life' who have had it too.   and all have had good results with it.  and none have died. :))  so i really want to try it. 

especially after last night.  geesh - it was another fun filled evening.  sure it was.  i woke up every damn fifteen minutes dying in pain.  i'm lucky i didn't overdose on pain pills - but i did have my wits about me to watch the clock and not take em too close together.  finally i moved to the couch/recliner... then i only woke up maybe every half hour or so... kill me?  somethin has got to give.  i can't keep livin this way.  i'm sure it was pay-back for just tryin to have fun and play with my kid during the day.

she had an appointment - so after that she wanted lunch-- of course.  but i didn't mind -- we had fun-- she tried alligator tail.. first time since she was 2 or 3 (in florida). she didn't remember eating it-- so wanted to try it again.. she loved it!  and i love that she is finally trying and enjoying new things.

then after lunch we went to a halloween store and goofed around some.  then had to go fill her rx.. and we had to wait for it -- cuz i was not even about to go home and go back out an hour later.  so there was another half hour or so on my feet .  it was hell. but we were havin fun , so i  tried to not let the pain show.  and we did have a good day. 

wanna see part of it?

first is me and my new boyfriend -- until officer soulkid came and arrested him ! :))

so ---  today she has school.  i have to kill two hours 'somewhere' by myself.  then pick her up.  usually we have lunch somewhere afterwards, sometimes play around  or go junk storin or something.  so we will see what we do today.  the part i hate the most is the bein by myself -- in downtown - ish ft worth.  the not so great part of it.  i'll just wear my kick your ass hat .  think that'll help any???  bah!
it's not that bad.  i aint skeered.  been over there a dozen times -- no one has bothered me yet.  funny-- i usually get robbed close to home -

catch you folks latah -- i gotta go rattle sloth jr's cage!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

progress; not perfection -

welp folks, i survived yet another - "worst day of my life ".  i couldn't have done it without y'all.. and my lil soul-clan tho.  that is a fact.  well... not the surviving part... but the makin it through the way i did.  hard to explain, so i won't even try - but i think some of ya may just 'get it'. 
so anyhow -  if any of you don't know what i'm even talkin about here ?  i shall show ya-

see him?
sweet huh?
he's my son. Patrick.  in that pic he was about 2 months old.
a little over 2 months later?  he was gone.  yes, as in dead.  yesterday was his birthday.  he 'should' have been 22 years old.  i can never help but wonder what kind of man he would be.  what he would like, what he would 'do', would he be kind, would he be nice to me in my 'situation'.. would i even have a freakin situation.  blah - i just thought of the last part.  that isn't even fair - to anyone - is it.  anyhow.  yesterday.  my first born's birthday.  it's never been an easy day for me.  it's even harder with a family.  when i was single- and alone.. i could do - or go - or feel - however i wated - or needed to .  now- and for the last many years-- i have others to consider -- and 'hold it together' for.  of course i have to admit, there have been times that was impossible for me to do.  (without help)   i'm still here tho. 
to be even more honest?  i had 'plans' for yesterday.  and things didn't go as i had planned them.  to those who love me?  that has to be a good thing.  ok .  i admit .  to me .  today?  it's a good thing too.  the past week- maybe two?  i woulda told anyone (well no i wouldn't have - cuz i didn't)  anyhow-- i liked 'my' plan, better.  even though i wasn't sure of the outcome.  it sure wasn't to hang out at home-- listen to my only surviving child tell me a dozen times that she loves me.. cook for me.  lay in bed with me.  get phone calls, texts, emails,  and FB messages from folks.  i was force fed love.  and reminded that -- i am not alone.  what i was thinking - planning -- just was not fair. 
i will never perfect my feelings or my thoughts on days like that.  i will never know how to feel or how to do the right thing.  or even say the right thing to people who care about me.  i will never perfect the knowledge of accepting unconditional love -- from anyone.    but yesterday was progress for me.  to just breathe, and accept that i can make it through those times.  if i just allow people to care.  and believe that it is real.  and not some sort of obligation or sabatoge.   it's just cuz.  it's cuz i am me. 
so i just wana say thanks.  you know who you are.  and i love ya right back.

wanna see more progress?

my soul-cave is almost finished !
i can't wait !

aiiighty peeps i gotta go take me kid to z dr.   at least it aint me this time.... bwa hahahahaha

hope you all have really good days in your worlds today.   lemmee know what you're up to.  i'm just doin busy work.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

and it happens again - cuz I AM ME

hi y'all.. well.  you want the good news or the bad news first?  the bad isn't 'that bad'.  it's just one - a - those things.  ya know.  one -a-those... soul thangs.

alright.  i'll start with the 'good' and work my way back. 
yesterday afternoon -- or day - was a good day -- in comparison to the last many.  my kid even surprised me with a home made lunch.  and boy was i surprised!  hand delivered to me .. as i was exiting the bathroom-- post shower.  :))  no.  of course i didn't eat it there.  we watched a recorded episode of criminal minds while we dined.  and we enjoyed ourselves.  that was some much needed alone time together.  that makes no sense but you get it. 

her new school schedule is all but stupid.  two hours a day -TWO days a week. wed and sat. ugh.  we're both goin crazy.  she has got to get a job.  lest we both go mental. (er)

so anyhow-- while we were wathin tv, hubby called (i don't know why that hi-lighted-- ignore it) ..
and asked if we wanted to meet for an early movie after he got off work.  well of course we would.  so we did.  we saw a movie called ' it's kind of a funny story'-- or some such thing.   i don't know.  it was OK.  the plan was to see "the town".. but that changed at the very last second-- literally-- at the box office.  it's ok.. i wasn't in the mood for guns and noise and crap anyhow.. so we end up in a movie about a mental hospital.  how ironic eh?  it was an ok movie-- but my main focus was on the bloopers-- such as .. lamps in the rooms, and unlocked doors; where patients would sneak out as they pleased - to other parts of the hospital. including the ROOF. that just does not happen.  but hey -- you may like it.  the fam did. and i didn't 'hate it'.

so -- here we go -- to the 'not so' good.   a funny thing happened on the way to the theater.....

me and the kid stopped at a lil convenience store for somethin to drink... she didn't want anything.. so i go in, and i get ONE bottle of water.  that is ALL.  rewind a sec-- back to the car-- she did ask me to buy a pack of menthol for her-- she has been quit for many months.. i admit there was a time i would buy them for her-- only so she wouldn't get someone else in trouble for buyin them.  yes-- against my better judgement.  but like i said - she quit many months ago- at least i think so.  i haven't seen her smoke in ages.  so-- she asks for a pk of menthols-- says she just wants ONE.  i said blatantly NO. i am never buyin them for 'you' again. (i learned my lesson) just NO.  so i go in.  i get a water.. i'm at the register.  while there -- with my 89 cent bottle of water .. soul-schleprock luck hits-- full force.
1st-- the sun is shinin right on the stupid debit card machine-- i can't see it-- 2nd it fails the first time, third-- in the meantime, whilst fightin with the machine and my blindness-- my kid is callin my cell-phone - a total of 4 times.  can we say -- DISTRACTED?   all i wanna do is pay for my water and get out of there.  well....  obviously -- the cashier can see that i am a frazzled mess... phone, machine, etc... so-- i finally paid -- took my water - and left-- i didn't see the total, and he didn't mention it-- thank you-- see ya next time-- ore vois-  off we go.

so. this morning-- ?  what am i doin?  the normal stuff i do most mornins-- drinkin my coffee , smoke my cigs-- and yes - i'm a chain smokin fool lately -- i'm a failure and i kick my ass every day for it.  ugh.  i was doin real good for a while-- hope i get back on track soon.  but-- it's the only crutch that doesn't destroy my life -- as fast as others might.  anyhow-- i see on my bank-- a charge for 6.19.  i wonder -- WTF?  i also notice -- there is no charge for 1.00 - or so.  i check for the rect. for the water-- i find it-- and guess what?  the damn guy at the store yesterday?  in my clumsy effort to pay for A water?  HE helped himself to a can of fuckin skoal!!!!!  on MY bill.  ERG!!!!!

i wonder if he woulda tried that shit if i had been wearin my hat?

what  do you think?
i think i look a lil less 'shit takin' with the hat.

guys????  why is it that i get robbed so much?  you'd be surprised if you knew of every time and every thing i have had stolen from me.  i would prolly too for that matter.  it has been so much and so often over the years, even i don't recall every little thing.  i can tell you that it has been a lot tho.  from family , to friends, to strangers, to businesses.  can't have nuthin !!!
i've had stuff stolen from my home, my car, my barracks room,  my credit cards, hell- i've had an entire car stolen. 
have i ever told you that my car was broken into while it was parked in a hospital parking lot -- when i was a patient IN a psych ward?  TRUE.  it happened.  they caught the guy.  but tell me.  what kind of person needs that shit-- while IN a mental hospital?  ugh.

i am not a thief.  i once had the opportunity -(more than once- but this is the most significant situation)

--  my family and i  - not the soul fam.. but many years ago -- my 'family/ family'.. we were beyond poor... you can't even imagine the state we were in.  i had the opportunity to take 700.00 in cash -- and never be caught.  there was no way i would ever be caught -- or seen again by this person.  it was almost like he was either testing me-- or 'offering me the the money'.. or opportunity to take it or leave it.  who knows? but, i left it... not before thinking about it, of course.  who wouldn't?  just think about it ya know.  this was a time that we lived- literally , day by day at a park, night by night in a cheap motel. meal by meal - by chance.  i did not take that money. 
if not karma?  why?  why do i get stolen from time after time?  
it's been just over a year since my jewelry was stolen.. by our movers!  of all people-- it was a guy i paid to help me.  invited into my home-- paid, trusted, bought food for.  i still feel 'raped' by him, and that business.  believe it or not-- i felt bad for the owner of that company -- because he had a truck stolen!  i never sued or fought for compensation.  the thief was never prosecuted. (lack of evidence!)- even tho-- he pawned two rings- i was at least able to recover those.  but not the rest-- and most of you know -- i am a sentiMENTAL idiot.  i don't have much- but what i do have -- i could tell you when and who gave me any of it.  so much is gone now. and i still hurt for it. 

so yeh.. a five dollar can of skoal?  some of you may think that's nothin... to me?  it's one more time.  and one more time too many.  how many thefts does it take to break a soul?  i wonder how long it's gonna take to find out???  i would really hate to be the one that does find out.  there sure won't be no timid about that.  i can tell ya that much.

oh - did i mention i did call the store- and i'm handlin it.  i'm gettin my money back -- and the guy will be dealt with.  i wonder what he drives.  hmmm. but i am on my way out the door right now to talk to the manager-- then off to take my kid to learn somethin at her school. 

wonder how i shall kill my two hours today?

y'all be happy today --
the sky is cryin here.
but i aint-

Friday, October 22, 2010

there IS some progress in this life of mine

see?  it's goin. 

and so am i -- it's nap time for me. 

OH -- look at this litho i got my paws on the other day -- i damn near stole it -- it was at a junk store -- already kinda cheap -- then half off -- now i just gotta hang it up-- HA! y'all know how well that goes around here tho.  maybe after i have my surgery -- IF ever.  i'll hang all my pretty pictures. 
whaddayathink?  it's numbered AND signed!  i really love it.

catch you peeps later -- just wanted to say hello -- so i'm gettin out of here before i say somethin depressing :))

happy weekend my peeples!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

just babblin

mornin peeps.  well, looky there- i spose it aint mornin anymore is it?  time sure does get away from me these days.  maybe bein non-functional the first hour or so of the day can do that. (waitin for pain meds to kick in).  by then again, i'm doin my business stuff-- bills, banks, etc.  then i start cruisin on face-book, checkin blogs, = when i can- who i can, you know the drill.  then hell, before i know it -- it's half a day gone with the wind.  at least it usually isn't a total waste though.  i do accomplish things, as i wait to be mobile. 

anyhow-- enough of that.  whatever 'that' was. 

i was so happy this morning when i checked my calender-- y'all know , without my shedoole i would be totally lost.  i have no memory.  so when i looked at it this morning-- it was blank for today!  woo hoo!  my exhausted ass can stay home and do nuthin.  well, at least nothin that requires much movement or energy.  :))  i really do need a day of rest.  even tho it would be in everyone's best interest for me to take my child -- yeh, i know - she isn't a child anymore-- but she will always be my 'baby'... to get her damn drivers license today. 

 i refuse to face people and crowds, and grouchy government jerks again today tho.  i may- and should - work with her on her parallel parking tho. i've told her for two or three days we would do that- but she- and y'all know the days have escaped us both.  so.  once we get her good at that - we shall get her to the DMV (DPS-for some).  not sure if you know this.. but i am the queen of parallel parking :)) -- i will admit , i am a little concerned about my neck in teaching her-- guess since it'll be in the front of the house-- between two garbage cans -- i can get a few pills in me , and hopefully not feel too bad.  for a while at least.
today is my moms birthday.  she's in Heaven.  i really believe that.  as a person.. here with us?  i never thought she'd get there.  that's not true.  i guess i always believed she would.  but i never thought she deserved it.  i guess i just believe in a forgiving God.   and a lot of what harm she caused others in life -- she had no real control over.  she was one sick woman. 
anyhow-- that's that i reckon.  i am thinkin of her today.  have been for a few days.  the image burnt in my mind is a 'photo' that me and my sister had a nurse take of us with her -- at the nursing home she died in.  not long before her death.  she looked really bad.. but she had a few moments that knew who i was... and she cried when she asked and i confirmed that i believe in God and that i pray.  to her -- i think -- in that answer - she knew she was forgiven.  (by me).   at least i hope that what she heard.
she also told me she was not afraid to die.
in a morbid way -- maybe?  that was the most peaceful ten or twenty minutes i had spent with my mom -- in our entire life together. 
but to clarify my relationship- and feelings - respect- etc - for my mom? even in death?  this last june when i went to the cemetery- where many of my family - my boys included - rest... i sat on her grave with my daughter, and we spoke about her - and other things and losses there... i smoked a cigarette-- without thinking, i put the cig out on the base of her headstone.  without a second thought - i got up to walk away.... my kid, my sis, and 'vicki'  all three did have somethin to say -- my sis picked up the butt (behind me - but i figured she would - she told me later)  ...  i don't know why i told you that -- but i did.  there is so much to our relationship - i could never describe it in full, to make any one with a soul understand it.  either side of it.  but it was one -- that molded my life, and probably -- no, undoubtedly, everyone who has entered it.  possibly in a negative way.
so yeh.. happy birthday -- queen earlene.. gran gran.. mom.   and thanks for the memories.

--- sorry - i just type-- i can't help what ends up on the page.
*just love meh*

Monday, October 18, 2010

me again

hi y'all.  what's goin on in your world today?  just thought i'd ask, cuz i really don't have much goin on here in mine.  i'm just writin here to make my appearance.  see?  here i am!  i do need to get back into the groove of writin more often.  it isn't just the writing you know-- (for me) --it's the 'communication' part.  the checkin in with y'all, sayin hi, givin me a chance to let you know i think of you, and i really want to know how you are, and what is happenin in your lives. ya know.  cuz i do. i  just wanted to make sure ya knew that.  in case you forgot during my absence lately. 

*side note-- random photos ahead  :))
(randomly placed for added pleasure !)
i know.  i visit y'all about as often as i write anymore.  i apologize. but i do think of each one of ya daily-- prolly doesn't mean much tho.  right?

 it's hard to not get wrapped up in my own crap around here sometimes.  hmph. it's a little strange to think about that sentence.  or the results of it i should say.  it used to be; back in the day- the more i had goin on in my world-- the more i wrote, and acted a fool.  now?  the more i have goin on, the more i seem to shut down.  and shut folks out.

soulman - rangers vs. ny game bound!

i think many of you know me well enough by now to know that i have been fightin many medical issues for way too long now.  even on my best day, i feel like i should be in some kind of assisted living 'place'.  i 'heard myself' say to hubby only a couple weeks ago-- i don't even know what or how i said it-- but i used the word "sad", in describing my life.  'it's sad..."   that was the first time i have used that word about my life in anyway -- in my entire life.  not for lack of opportunity-- but for the fact that i had never reached that point of despair before.  when i heard those words come out of my mouth -- even I nearly cried.   it's so not me.  so not "soul." 

has anyone seen this heathen sailor??

i don't mean i don't get sad.. or feel sad .  i'm human.  i mean the way i said it.  understand?  i hope so.

i honestly don't know where or even if i belong anymore.  i know - logically- that i could outlive everyone i know.  yet, physically? mentally?  for at least the past three years i have been feeling like i could drop dead at any second. seriously. i have crazy symptoms, and diagnoses, weird shit happens to me all the time. (medically).  bad/scary things- like blood clots and seizures, and headaches that make me vomit continuously for hours.  scars on my brain. scars on my lungs. (infarctions- to be medically correct).  cysts (1), and benign hemangioma tumors (2) on my liver. severe pain 24 hours a damn day. agorophobia, people phobia.  years of this. 

yet i forge ahead... slowly and clumsily... but i go.  lately, i TRY to not even mention/talk about any of it anymore.  all the crap i wrote here last time?  unless my hubby reads it here?  he won't even know about it. i'm sick of hearing about it all myself.  i can only imagine how tired my family -- or even you all- are of listenin to it.  but i do have to put it somewhere. sometime. right?

 here's where the mental part of my problems come into play. aside from the fact that i'm bi-polar (surprise!),  all the physical pain, and problems, and worry?  obviously, chronic for over 15 years... has led me nowhere but to severe and chronic depression as well.  where do you think that takes me?

 especially at certain times of the year-- such as NOW-- being as October 25 '88 is my first born son's birthday...?  every year is the same.  i relive it over and over again.  days, weeks, months of it.  why?  his death day is march 19th- '89.  no.  i wish i could tell you i re-lived his birthday. it just isn't that way.  it's the death day, and the viewing ., and the funeral. and the police -- taking his (portable) crib, blankets, and bottles, and formula, and baby food, out of the house-- as if I did something to HIM. it's the nurse at the hospital - telling me to "
be quiet, because i was scaring other patients".. while i screamed and laid over my dead babies body on a hospital gurney.  "Patrick".

i die a thousand times a day -- i grieve for two son's.  i have PTSD because it will not leave me.  both of them feel and 'look ' as fresh as yesterdays sunset. 
these scenes, and thoughts will never leave me.  not even in my sleep.  i haven't slept a single night without meds since august 1996.  when i lost my second son Jacob".

my mind, and my body turned against me when i lost Jacob.  i died that day. my spirit did. -- and now every day since i die more and more.  literally.  i am dying.  an unimaginable, slow and painful death.  that just refuses to happen fast enough.  so yep.  are you wonderin if i get suicidal?  that would be a hell yeh.  i do.  i have been for many years. and it is a hard battle to fight. silently- in 'your' own mind. but i do it.  i do it because i have a daughter.  the only one out of three children that God let me keep.  she is the air i breathe.   she is all that makes me fight through this life i am forced to be a part of.

my baby- off to home-coming
that's a bit of an oxymoron eh?
 God must have some awesome plan for one of us.  i know she struggles too.  we struggle together - at times only for the other.  and only God knows why that is.  sometimes i think she will be the death of me-- then i remember - she is all that i live for.  she is my baby-- she needs me... no matter how independent she wants to be. no matter how much she doesn't want to admit it.  she needs me.  and i need her. 

before long, she will be out on her own.. somewhere.  i'll miss her.  but as long as she's breathin... i spose i will too.  while it's in my control i mean. 

i ate him for dinner tonight
after the photo!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

so damn much goin on- yet so damn little to say

as a matter of fact, yes i do have to swear. it makes me feel better. sometimes. even when i do it all by myself. out loud. to or at myself... or to no one. i just feel the need at times. so i do it. anyhow. now that that is out of the way-- i will attempt to refrain from more-- but if i fail, it won't be the first time. (at failing i mean).
some of y'all know i mentioned- once- recently, that i was 'attempting to quit smoking. i failed at that as well. i'm still managing to stay under a pack a day - which is much better still, than 3 packs a day.... BUT, i was at the half a pack mark. maybe ten days ago. i don't even like it that much any more. not the taste -- not even the effort. can you believe i even said that? 'effort'? to friggin smoke? but i don't mean it like you think. it's just that really, it doesn't give me the 'pleasure'(???)- or maybe 'comfort'(???) that it used to. yet i continue to do it. and don't really want to. i'd much rather get drunk !!!! ugh! obviously not guys. don't worry. maybe that's why i'm smokin so much. y'all know- or a lot of ya do.. me and booze don't get along. it alters my life. not so temporarily either. so when i get 'thirsty', i kinda get a little - ok a lot- stressed.

so.  speaking of stressed ... i still hadn't heard a word from the surgeon that i was referred to - so by friday- i called them.. just to see why the delay.  well.. just like the rest of the world.. they'd never heard of me.  -- but, it seems that they had moved offices recently- and thought maybe my doc had sent my referral to the old fax number.  i gave all the info - and now -- i wait -- again.  it will be even longer of a wait - if i haven't had an MRI of my C-spine in over a year-- i'm thinkin-- and hoping it has been less.

speakin of scans... yeh- i am the queen of green!  i glow.  not sure if  i mentioned it - but i had a CT a week or so ago.  abdomen. (adrenals/kidneys/etc). some interesting things came back.  but nothin to worry about.  at least that's what my -- soon to be fired endocrinologist said.  in fact he said "it's all good'.  i do not trust that man as far as i can throw him.. and y'all know-- all i can throw is a damn fishin lure... i bet i couldn't throw a softball four feet .  erg!  so anyhow...  when i heard that-- i just got suspicious.. cuz i know-- aint nuthin "good" in me.  i called the place that did the scan, and got copies of the report.  any how-- my intuition was right.  i have a NEW cyst on my liver-- it's very small.. but it's there- and it's new- and he didn't tell me .  also-- there's some kinda some shit goin on with my aorta (stomach one)- not heart.  so. WTF people?  what kinda doctor keeps this from his patient? the report has notes about being checked for malignancy of the liver-- to follow up with MRI-- did he tell me. noop.  belly aortas have aneurysms -- did he tell me -- to see someone?  not to worry about it?  noop.  actually - HE told me NOTHING.  his 'office mgr talked to me , and played relay msgr for me.  i'm tellin y'all... i am thinkin hard about suing him.. not about just this-- his nurse practitioner i used to see damn near killed me once.  i am not exaggerating.. and he acts like that 'incident' is not important-- but he does acknowledge it-- how can he not?  it is documented!  it's just one thing after another over there-- i am waiting for a second opinion.. once i get it-- and it proves he is not treating me properly.. and he is keeping me sick- and sicker --- i tell ya what-- his ass is mine- (i'm STILL losing weight! he of all should be able to tell me why!)  yes y'all i DO eat!  anyone know how much i'll weigh before i fall thru my a**hole and hang myself?  :)) 

"you'd smoke too!  LOL

anyhow--  did i tell ya we sold our giant couches?  well we did.  personally i was hoping for new furniture that wouldn't trap me like a friggin helpless animal....  instead-- i also mentioned new floors?  we opted to go for flooring first.  which didn't leave enough for furniture.  BUT we -- ok hubby- did move the office couch into the livin room... which - has a lever so i don't get stuck in there.  it's all workin out.

y'all knew already - once i got started , i wouldn't shut up-- didn't ya?
i wasn't sure-- but sorry if i'm boring ya.  i guess i should get back to writin more. 
i'll make a deal.. you talk to me more-- i'll talk to YOU more.  fair?

ok-- i'm sure i'm leavin a lot out-- but i don't wanna hold ya hostage any longer.

happy sunday in your worlds--
i shall keep you photo - updated on our flooring progress-- installed by soulman.. beginning today :))

speakin of photos -- i missed another photo challenge.. haven't been up to takin pics lately -- maybe that will give me a reason to leave the house when it's cold?  check back for the next one-- if i can remember - i'll enter it.

laterz folks-

PS-  on my proof read?  i found 2 freudian slips.. if that's what we want to call them.  one was where i wrote ' more' .. i wrote "mom".. in front of it.
and 2nd?  where i wrot 'me'.. i wrote 'ma' instead'
-- my 'deceased' mothers' birthday is october 21st. 
don't feel bad-- i don't.  it just seems weird to have written those words.  - always glad to catch my typos before y'all do'
anyhow-- i'm gone!  POOF!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

i don't know about the rest of ya -- but ---

oh yeh baby!!!!  

this has been hell week for me.. and my future at this point? aint requirin any shades, i can tell ya that much.

here's to better days ahead for all of us! cuz from i see lately-- it aint just me.



Tuesday, October 5, 2010

soul- happenins

mornin folks!  now, i can say that .  as opposed to over two hours ago when i woke up.  the pain in my neck and back was excruciating, and i couldn't lay down any longer.  i had to get UP.  what you would think to be the simplest part of that, such as walking to my office couch - to sit, and take a pain pill, was the what turned out to be the most difficult few minutes of gettin UP i think i have ever experienced. y'all surely know who Eevee is by now right?  just in case you don't ---


she has never - ever, since we've had her, slept at the foot of our bed.  (on the floor).  or if she has, she would get up and out of the way if i or someone walked by her in the dark.  today?  tired me, with an immobile neck, in the dark and unable to see her???  did she get up - or bother to move or make her presence known?  of course not.  what did she do?  well she let me step on her dontchya know!  then she growled her mean police dog growl- and friggin BIT me!!! yes!  it's ok.  just a scratch/bruisy type bite.  a warning.  she didn't mean to hurt me. and i really  think she was as surprised as i was.  of course i reacted with shock and anger -- ie. - cussing at her... which woke up soulman.  well.. i think the growl, snap- woke him up first.  the dog has a very audible SNAP- such as alligator jaws!  really. even playing. she has been trained in shutzhund (click there to watch eevees training video clip!).
anyhow - neither of us got hurt- me or the dog.  but needless to say - i was a bit scared for a minute. so was she and hubby.  she could take a foot off without tryin.  God knows what she could do if she WAS tryin.

so anyways-  yes i did mention my pain.  i always hurt- somewhere. y'all know that.  but the pain i speak of today is residual from yet another 'procedure'.  yesterday morning i had another 'cervical facet injection' (bilateral = both sides)  done on my neck.  this was the second time i have had this done.  and of course, i didn't remember being 'this' sore afterwards.  it rendered me pretty useless the rest of the day yesterday and night.  i slept off the versed= a local anesthetic.  then it was recliner / TV til bedtime.. then of course two or three times through the night i woke for meds- then the fiasco at 4 a.m.  now here i am, still coffeeing.

when i saw my doc a week or so ago, and scheduled this procedure... we also 'tentatively' scheduled a (nother) 'rhizotomy'.  right side.  same as last time.  unlike this time--- i DO remember that pain.  that left me with a pain that i will never forget-- and apparently my family won't either.  i can't even describe it to you- except to say that it was constant , and severe pain, that lasted over five months, with little to no relief.  with that came severe depression - of course.  and it affected not only me and my semblance of a life- but it also affected my family in a permanently negative way as well.

(just to let ya know-- in case you haven't noticed it yourself (i have been idle for at least an hour and a half here.  lookin back over the records of these injections and procedures...  then of course while telling y'all about them-- i got way too blabber-mouthy and the post got looong and bo-ring... so i had to delete it all. -- well i moved it to word - for my own records.  y'all don't need that crap but i do.  anyhow- you didn't even know i was gone- but if you noticed a gap in time- that's where it went :))

so.  back to the rhizotomy.  i say tentatively, only because it 'was' actually - scheduled for October 18th.  same side as last - right side.  a cervical facet rhizotomy.  while i was at the Dr. i asked about what might be my 'next' option if the rhizotomy were to fail, like the last one.  obviously it did.  and good lord, i was in some gawd awful pain for an unusually long time afterwards .  over five months; when most people recover in a matter of days or under two weeks at worst.  i on the other hand was in worse pain than before- and actually raised my pain med dosage to a ridiculous amount.  and just so ya know-- the medication amount hasn't been able to be changed back down, because in that time i built up such a tolerance to it- they actually have since had to change me to a stronger med entirely, also at a high dose. 

i bet i coulda found a shorter version to get that out-- but - well sorry.  long winded i guess. that's me.  anyhow.  i spoke with the doc yesterday before the needle in the neck thing.. and told him what me and the other doc i see talked about- asking what surgery 'exactly'  would be my option.  i must admit, it left me breathless.  he said as if it were a trip to the zoo! "Fusion."  UGH.  i responded.. that's your FIRST option?  "yep".   all i had to say was "i know people who have had that surgery!  i gotta think about that.

and i did.  a lot.  okrhizotomy.

well.. i am willing to do that again.. obviously-- but that is all i know.  and i suffered greatly, and probably longer than the short time of relief that i actually was given from it.  many more tears, than thanks.  but i did get some months of relief in my legs and neck. 

so.  i slept on it.  and have decided, yep.  gonna go for the surgery.  i remebered a couple years ago, a friend of mine facing surgery asked me-- would YOU have surgery? (we both were and have lived with daily , horrible, depressing pain for years)  i didn't blink an eye , before i responded with a resounding - "hell yeh i would! if it would give me my life back - i'd do it in a second!".

the recovery time is more uncomfortable, less painful, and a fraction of the time of the rhizotomy.  from what i hear- and in my case . or should be.  and the relief -- 'could' last me many years, vs. a few months.  i really don't need to flip a coin here.  i just need to not be afraid.  i really am not scared of the surgery itself... i mean, that's actually not as bad as it sounded when i first heard-read about it.  the thing with me is -- the addison's disease, and my weight, and fevers i been runnin lately.  if i go in and go under with my immune system already compromised?  it could be a problem.. on top of other problems- and risks.  but then again.. "i'm tougher than most".  right?

ok-- folks.  real quick- i'll change the subject - then i shall let ya go-- well, if ya didn't go already - :((

last night- we finally sold our damn couches!  yee haw.  damn bohemouth (s).  media seating we got a year or two ago.  we really thought that's what we wanted.  but for the last six months?  ok - year... it fills up our entire living room.. and i cannot get out of it!  weak and painful legs and back with no jump cord -- oh i mean side lever to help me get out of the recliner, having to use my legs???  just doesn't happen.  i get stuck. for real.  we live in different rooms, cuz my couch in my office has a lever- its a lazy boy.  it's comfy - cloth and comfy.. so i spend more time in here.  anyhow- they been advertised for a couple weeks, and of course folks call or email -- low ballin before they even SEE it... and that just pisses me right off.  finally someone showed up last night and bought it!!!  of course we took less-- cuz once hubby got it outside in the natural light -- all the little flaws were glaring right at him.  ugh.  we only knew of one.  and that was one ya just couldn't miss.. it happened on original delivery- and even we didn't know about that til we moved a year later!  can we say rip-off?  so of course we lost money-- but now we can get new furniture that i hope i can love and be comfy in! that is NOT leather - also something that won't swallow my house :))

next?  we also are finally selling our 'old' boat.  yup- paid that sucker off over a week ago.  one guy came lookin last night-- and hubby has over 50 emails on it.  he's sellin it seperate.. motor and hull/w trailer.  the bulk of the money is the motor- unfortunately most interest is in the hull. (boat)  he really low balled the price on that. i'm sure he coulda- and shoulda asked more- cuz y'all know-- everyone will try to knock a hundred or two off.  don't we all-- at least try?  anyhow-- looks like that will be gone and out of my way in a couple days at most!  that thrills me.  then we will be furniture and flooring shopping.

next?  my child?  doin well.  she'll be gettin her drivers license in a few days - if i am mobile enough by the end of the wek - there should be no problem.  in fact- tomorrow might be a good day -- if i can get around and drive ok enough.  she finally has all her ducks in a row for it.  i am thrilled.  y'all know i worry-- but my driving ability gets less and less... unLESS - surgery will change that too.  y'all pray it does please.  i have been in pain since before my girl was born.  what came first- the chicken or the egg.  i mean the depression or the pain?  my guess is the latter.  if i am released from this damn pain for any length of time-- do y'all realize how much my life could change?  i have a hint of it-- and it excites me.  when have you heard me say that?!  yeh, i bet never.

ok-- last thing i will bore ya with -- for today .  hey-- don't roll your eyes at me.  i'm just updatin y'all! i thought that's what ya wanted???

almost a month ago- i had a slight case of pnemonia.  nothin horrible - we caught it early.  good thing.  but - it was enough to remind me of the lung clot (pulmonery embolism) - and the evil pain that came with it-- not to mention the brush with death.  OR the following mental attack that came with my temporary use of chantix.  which nearly killed me in a few different ways.  again both- all - affecting my family in ways better - but never to be forgotten.  :((

SO. what did i do?  nah.  i would truly LOVE to tell y'all that i quit smokin.  i did not.  BUT-  i have gone from three packs of cigs a day -- which my history has been 1-3 packs a day for 35 years (prolly 3 for 3 years?)  this last three weeks?  10-15 cigs a day.  hold the applause.  i am in no way celebrating - anything.  i really hope , and pray to quit.  forever this time.  and i know every little bit (not smoked) is progress.  but i'm afraid to jynx it if i talk about it too much.  so this is the last i'll say til i'm all the way quit.  i'm hoping the recovery time after surgery - if or when i have it - will be the clincher - if i haven't quit by then.

ok my soul prisoners :)) you are free to leave now.  i hope you haven't fallen asleep or left before now.

tell me what's goinin on in your worlds people -- i miss ya !
thanks for comin around .. it's nice to not have been forgotten :))
if i missed anything- lemmee know-- you know i'll be glad to blab about it... i mean let ya know.

hope y'all have happy days in your worlds -- i'm gonna try --
oh guess what-- my sis is comin to town today -- her kitties are flyin to england.  passports and all!  it's true-- cats have to have passports!  i don't know if i should laugh, cry or pee my pants.  but it is the craziest thing i've heard in my life!  well, if ya don't count shit my mom used to say :))

Sunday, October 3, 2010

here i am, where are you?

hiya peeps.  well, of course i speak to those who've decided to stick around. of course.  i am aware that my last few posts haven't really sounded the most stable.  if ya know what i mean.  but - that is why i am writing today.  i'm gonna keep it short - for now.  i just want to let ya know that i came across a post the other day that says , much more fluently, what i have attempted for over two years to say right here.  all i ever seemed to accomplish in my attempts?  sounding like a paranoid , impossible to understand , freak.   soul-speak.  i reckon that's what we could call my 'code language' i get into - when i try to tippy toe around things, and just never seem to get to the point.
well, this post -- from 'The Naked Soul' - Mark:  says it all.  i believe.  i hope that you will read what he says , and be able to understand that between what he says - and what i have tried to say here, so many times;  that what i write here - is my own 'original' thoughts, ideas, and words.  to me they are all that i own that means anything to me.  when i see them on other folks blogs an hour after i have written them here?  i cannot describe the helpless feeling that washes over me. nor the feeling of betrayal that i feel.  and to have this repeatedly happen - for so long?  and still trying to be original, and cordial, has rocked me to my core. 
anyhow-  go visit Mark, and please try to understand where i am comin from. 
i miss writing here.  many of you know that i have been robbed of many 'things' many times throughout my life.  if my own mind is to be robbed continuously of my own thoughts... i cannot allow it to go on.  someone just tell me you have seen it-- better yet WHERE you have seen it.
my words, used by others.. and i would love to 'come home, and be with y'all.  right here.