Friday, November 7, 2008

ooh it's a tourettes day ! i could cuss and cuss and cuss

and maybe i will.
i tried to post yesterday, but got nowhere. a couple pics but no words came.. then i just gave up.
i'm pushin three weeks bein trapped in this house.. useless, and in pain.

yesterday , soulkid missed the bus for school.. hubby was working, and i was in no condition to drive. i can't turn my head, i can't hardly move from the shoulders up at all. i have been down to my last few pain pills for the last few days, and watching them dwindle makes me afraid to take them. seems nobody wants to rx any more. i've always found it to be sooo much crap-- and i know several of you can relate-- the way the damn doctors would rather let a person hurt than give them meds. i will never understand that. i mean i do-- i know junkies have ruined it for people who really need meds. but dammit, this is ridiculous.

i have been calling my neuro doc for the last two days for refills-- for like 5 months or so-- he has had no problem refilling pain meds. he has lowered the dose and amount-- but still, i can pretty much count on him to keep me as pain free as possible--without either of us lookin too bad.
but, i don't know which he is more afraid of lately-- since the clot--- addiction, or just not knowing what exactly is wrong. but he will not refill my meds. i know he has called my doc, and got my hospital records, and i know he knows how many meds he-and other docs have given me over the last few weeks. what he DOESN'T know- is that i puked everythig up for 2-3 days- or the extent of pain i am in.

i'm not kiddin when i say this is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life-- my husband and daughter both have cried -right along with me---watching me hurt so damn bad, and be brought to tears myself thru this. and neither can actually do anything about it. but they do try.

soulman finally understands my frustration i have been in all these years trying to get a dr who is not afraid of pain rx's. he hates to see me like this. he is as angry as i have ever been at ALL my docs i see now too. and he agrees that i am not drug seeking, nor do i get high off any of it.
(although i will admit, he too has been concerned at times-- but thru this-- he ses-- i just don't get stoned on it-- i'm lucky if it reduces the pain, much less gives me a feel good.)

i don't know what's up with this tolerance shit of mine-- but really-- motrin makes my hubbys "hair crawl" -- while even demerol, didn't gimmee a buzz-- or even touch the pain without taking 2-3 times the dose i was ordered. and even then it only brought it to a tolerable level. which i would pay at this moment illegally for--if only i were smart-- or dumb enough -- to know where to go for it.
i think anyone -- without a license would actually. i have even had a couploe offers-- but-- as y'all know-- all my peeps live in the puter--- and anyone else i may know-- well.. they just dont do that type of thing. or know where to get it.

i do have to drive today for the first time out of the hospital. before that actually. i really haven't driven much at all since the july seizure. none at all since the 18th or so. and i still wonder if the lack of oxygen had anything to do with those damned things. will anyone tell me? does anyone know? does anyone even friggin care? i just cannot fathom being a "doctor" and leaving anyone in such pain. it's ridiculous!

if i see the neuro today, (which only depends on my driving ability)- and he doesn't find anything-- or help me.. i will again go to the emergency room. it is truly my last resort. i hate the mere idea of sitting in an ER waiting room for hours-- or worse-- gettin "bad" news alone there. but something is going on with me. and it just cannot continue.

so-- IF i do end up admitted again.. soulman will let ya know-- and if anything else happens-- like an rx--or diagnosis..i will let ya know.

i told hubby last night-- how much i do not want to go to the hospital again-- but also i cannot remain in pain like this. he agrees. besides, it's not like i am of any damn use to anyone here anyhow, i can't do a damn thing. well except sit around and wait to clot again. and i can't help but to say it is a concern.. i am very limited as far as mobility goes. i try to get up and move around when i can-- put the dogs in and out-- walk around the house, etc. stuff to just be moving. but there's not a whole lot ya can do confined to home. remember i counted down days last time? that has now become like 19 to 20 days--? my gawd. it's awful.

i'm sorry, i really don't mean to be whining. maybe i'm just looking or waiting for someone to come across this page and tell me they have been here--and they KNOW what is wrong, and how to fix it-- cuz nobody else does.
a friend and i have been joking about how i need "House"-and his team.. to work on me-- i'd be healed in a week!

i have spent too much time on google again. and i swear it can be my worst enemy at times.
i look up swollen/enlarged thyroid with pain-- cancer comes up-- i look up neck pain with jaw and ear and thyroid swelling-plus frequent migraine- i find that hmmm perhaps its a clot headed to the brain. it is insane-- and should NOT be MY job to diagnose myself when i am sending out hundreds and thousands of dollars to find out wtf is wrong.

remember the guy from the band hanson? yes i should be embarrassed to admit i listen to them, but i like em. ok some of their stuff. but not long ago, the lead guy--and he's young..mid 20's if that-- he almost died from a clot in his arm.. same type of pain i am having now.arm, shoulder, neck etc. still, none of three or four docs i have seen for this shit seems to want to go further--they want to call me a drug seeker--and leave me in pain. and it sooo pisses me off.

yes, the amount of meds i have gone thru in a couple weeks is staggering-- but the thing is-- i really , honestly do not get high on it--and that is why i get so damn upset when i get treated like a damn junky. and get refused meds. instead i am left to cry in pain-- and not only that-- fear and shame-- of someone even thinkin such a thing.

but-- i will admit-- once again, i am an alcoholic-- (dry at this time)- and can't help but wonder if there's pain relief in a bottle of booze??? but then i realize-- not an option. dammit. it used to work on gunshot wounds, and even labor pains, back in the old days. surly i could get relief --at least physically-- that way. but obviously-- i have reached the point that the pain, and isolation etc, is affecting my friggin mind again. and it is just not right.

so-- i'm just pissed off and in pain today-- and soooo awfully afraid to drive today. but i have no choice. soulman has missed soooo much work due to me and soulkid and hospitals he is a blesed man to still have a job, otherwise he would drive me today. he always does or has when possible. just today-- it isn't possible.

i guess on the bright side-- there is no ice or snow on the road. maybe if i just stay on the far right lane and drive slow til i get there i wont have to turn my head or worry too much about a wreck. i spose we shall see.

if he doesn't help me with meds--or a diagnosis-- or better yet a cure or answers at neuro--- i have absolutely had it. i will be forced to do like yesterday-- for how-ever-long-- and remain knocked out on xanax and muscle relaxers. i slept the day away yesterday. it was all i could do. i was down to four pain pills-- this am, after a dose of two-- i have two left. i will need them for the drive to the dr. after that-- if he rx's nothing? i'll be living my life asleep. because i just cannot take this shit any-- f'n-- mo!!!

so anyhow--- i spose that's my whine, crybaby, rant for the moment. i wish i could be more positive. it's just so very hard to be in this situation. 80 percent of my stress would be less if i had less pain and someone to drive me to the doc today.
instead-- i am falling apart, thinkin the worst.. and just want it over.

so yep--- anyways-- that's all i got for now. and i'm sure you've heard enough anyhow.

i hope you all have good and happy days in your worlds today---
still thinkin of all of you lots-- just not gettin everywhere i want to in blogland lately.

if anybody's prayin.. you know me and my pal jamie -and her girl could use a few.
and i bet if i was gettin around more-- some more of my friends out there could use one too.--

so anways-- i am gone--as soul dad and soul kid are havin ww3 about chores undone.
and it makes me hurt--im gonna go hide in the shower.

bye bye.