Monday, October 19, 2009

yep-- one-a - those-kinda-days

i don't know where to begin-- i prolly shouldn't even bother.
it wasn't an all-bad day. i got several emails from people i enjoyed hearing from. they made me smile, they had good news, they of course gave me a heard time-- it comes with the territory ya know. just somethin about me. i reckon that cuz i am ME (you know the drill) -- most of the time i really don't mind. i do have a sense of humor. sometimes a line gets crossed -- but i guess that happens to all of us eh? rare for me. i can take it. most of the time.
so anyhow. like i said... or maybe like i began to say-- attempted to say-- tried to say-- wth-- i'm workin on it. give me a minute aaaaight?

oh ya-- i was tryin to figure out where to begin in the first place-- remember.

so. where was i?
the beginning, i reckon.

ya, well, i got email. real ones. which was good. and everyone seemed fine. that was good to hear.
i answered them even -- a reply or two - i didn't manage to get back to tho-- but i will-- manyana.
once i got my day rollin-- it rolled on-- and on-- and on. ugh. it's almost 11 p.m -- and i'm still awake. i don't want to be-- but i am. i took my bed meds at like 830-- hoping to be asleep by 930. obviously that didn't work out too well.
i am under entirely way too much stress lately. medical crap, pain crap, family crap, emotional crap, crap upon crap upon crap. and it is affecting everything about me. my attitude, my personality, my health, my sleep, my mood, my energy level, not to mention my tummy trubbles.

yep... i made it to the gastro doc today-- right doc-- right day--- right time. bad mess.
i'm scheduled for an upper endoscopy on nov 9th. i'm not the least bit surprised. i knew they would have to have a look in there. just too much goin on to not have a look-see.

so anyhow-- i did a bunch of runnin around today-- almost an all day long task (s)-- but i also managed to get my white trash mobile washed , waxed, and detailed-- and for quite a bargain too i might add. it looks really good-- i only fear the worst-- and kinda know it'll look like a barf bag within a week. if only i drove it-- i know it wouldn't look like that-- or have as many miles on it. it's so trashed i don't even want it anymore-- but i'm way to friggin upside down in it to do a thing about it. hail damage-- stains--- ugh.

have you noticed that even the little things are killin me lately?
you should just imagine what the 'big ' things do. anyone wanna shoot me?

i've had a headache and stomach probs since the end of july!!! it's killin me and every day it gets worse.
and i never know when to laugh or cry. i do both every day-- several times. i'm just trying to stay sane.
and there's just so many reasons that i can't get into that would help y'all understand.

part of it -- some of you may already know--- most of you may not- but i'll tell ya this much-- i can't say more than i just did-- and i know that smocha loves it when i write posts like this :) sorry smocha.
i'm trying to not lay so much of ME out here for all the blogworld to see.
vulnerability is just not my favorite thing these days.

so anyways-- i have somethin goin on with someone in my life-- so this is a dedication -- to a certain him-- or her -- :)) just in case this person happens to read this post.

i really just want things in my life to be ok again. i would say 'normal' -- but things have never been normal. ok is good. level is better.

i told ya-- i just hate october--- maybe i should take a couple weeks off???
but then , that may just make things worse. i'd miss y'all.. and i'd get even more bored.

i really need to go somewhere. even if it's overnight. i need to get away. i'm 'like a worm in hot ashes'!

why the quotes of 'her' come to me, i'll never know,. i hated every one of them .

g'night all
sleep well..
and good mornin and good day-- if this is bein read over coffee -