Tuesday, March 10, 2009

OH what a "shi-cky" day in soulland

well hell people-
yesterday just seemed to be a tougher day than i imagined it would be. i was runnin on little to no sleep the night before--- yes again. it's starting to affect me --- again, yes. the few folks i do talk to tell me/remind me/ and even ask me to get to sleep at night. (naps aren't happenin too much lately either ) so yep --even bein scolded doesn't make it any easier to sleep. with everything goin on here, especially not seeing my soulgirl --- it's just tough to sleep. i think it would be for any parent-- but it is really bothering me, and affecting my functioning-- at home, business, and family. NOT good.

in fact,
it all kinda bugs me

yesterday, i did sleep a few hours.. today i did too , but it was only like two. i don't understand how i am gettin through the days, but i manage.
like i said tho-- my early to bed early to rise has all but ceased. now it's more like never to "bed"... zero dark thirty to the chair. ugh. and i can't like it.

some nights, i'm productive, and accomplish something that was put off due to lack of sleep - or time. other nights? i do nothing. play on the computer, and google myself. :))
oh quit.. i knew you'd think that. just lotsa things to research .
i walk around pretty confused and out of it .

(stare at the pic for a couple secs - :)

the group thing yesterday was rough. and not so much me. there was only one other lady there, and she had a lot to say. things that triggered a lot in me.
and when i got home-- with plans to go fishin and clear my mind--- soulman was in a bad mood. or "something". to where i was just uncomfortable. i "feel" that "energy" in the air, whether he speaks or not. there is just too damn much happening here-- and not much of it is good. combined, it all just makes me extremely agitated. "wired", you might say.

seems a LOT makes me wired and anxious lately, hell, breathing makes my hands shake-- even after 1 xanax and a soma.i know some of you can relate-- but really, it is just not natural when your kid is in such big trouble as mine is. or of course when ya just don't know how things will turn out.

oooohhhh, and if you missed it in the comments below? i get the *NAG* ; if it's not for being awake all night, it's for being tired in the day, and not napping...or i forget to take meat out--to cook at home-- or i mention my existence .


i'm goin fishin!!!!

(began that part at 5:53 am. )


well , it's later -- 10:45 pm -- and life's just dandy in my world. how bout yours?
yes, i am bein sarcastic. i wouldn't be -- well, IF i wasn't breathing. but, - i am. and yes i am grateful for that, just not so much for the turn of events around here today. and there were many.
it IS cuz i'm me ya know.?

BUT, i am wondering -- does life suck the life out of me, or do i suck the life out of life????
(rhetorical question btw).

oh and just so ya know--nope , no fish again today. i missed two big ones tho- they didn't get hooked, but the swirls they left ? ERG!

soooooo, movin on -

y'all know - almost -
every day here is like that dog for me.
even when i think it's good -
it isn't.


MY world can turn to shit in a heartbeat - and it turned to shit about fifty times today.
it was just peachy. and to top it all off? a freakin cold front-- with rain-- and HIGHS of 40 (F) , or less, is comin in right this second. the wind is really crankin up outside.

but, at least i am home and soulman is ok and all tucked into bed.
ahh, you probably wonder why i mention soulmans' safety eh? well, that would be one of the "shi-cky" turns of the day. (which would be shitty - sucky, if ya didn't know. "i made that up" .) anyhow, the bubba mobile wouldn't start after he got off work today.
that was after i had just woken up from a much needed nap. i wasn't all together yet when he called. he just said he needed a jump start. we were supposed to go visit soulkid ---
who by the way, is inpatient rehab if i haven't mentioned that. yes AGAIN. she had an awful relapse over the past weekend. she could have died. literally. i had to take her to the emergency room before the rehab place would accept her. see what i mean by "shi-cky" ?
anyways, visitation was at 730 to 9. and of course we were plannin on going. but not like this---
by the time i got the jumper cables, shoes on, hair brushed, and to soulmans job... it was already 7 pm. he was a frazzled wreck too. me? nope. for ONCE in a blue friggin moon, i woke up refreshed, and even somewhat happy. but what happened? well, i tried my best to calm the man. reminded him we have AAA -- oh, because my car, even after half an hour of charging on the cables ? it just wasn't powerful enough for a duel battery deisel pickup truck! it did nothing. soooo--- he called AAA , and i called rehab . i didn't want soulkid to worry, or be upset -- thinkin we weren't gonna show.
after all that was settled, i still couldn't get soulman to chill out. he wasn't mad as much as worried, but i was in a real good mood, dammit. for that moment. so again, i try to think of "something". so i suggest i go get food and we could eat before the tow truck even got there prolly. so i did. he waited , in case AAA showed before we could get back, and i went and got food.
the tow guy got there before we even finished eatin, and it only took his big ole truck, and two sets of jumpers about a second to start the bubba mobile. he left , and we finished eatin while the truck could get a bit of a charge before drivin it.

hahahahaha . surely you don't think it was that easy? oh hell no.; i am me. and, i am in soul-hell. but still trying to be ok.
soulman gets the idea to immediately go buy a batteries at a specific place that only sells batteries---
and what do ya think happened????????? oh hell yes, he did. he turned his truck off !!! and the fuckin store was closed!!!!!

it was like 8 pm by now, and we were both stressin about missin seein soulkid.
we worked out a plan for his work tommorrow -- cuz i have to have my car. and then drove us to rehab. we made it at 815--- by 835?????? I had "stepped out" twice , to calm Me this time. soulkid was a brat with a capital BBBB! she was rude, and didn't yell, but just had a tone, every time i said a word. seriously. finally, i got up and left---yep. i did.
worst part? i was crying by that time. and when i left my house just a couple hours before, i was happy. i don't say that very often. not about myself. i don't know what happened between washin dishes and a nap-- but i felt good.
except my damn back was in flames. somethin is bad wrong there. but i didn't let it get me down. i wanted to take advantage of my mood and be in good shape for the soul-clan.
but there i was, sittin in the dark car, alone, smokin and cryin my eyes out. EEE--fuckin--GADS!

so, yep-- ten minutes later--and still before visitation was to end? here came soulman. she treated him like shit too. so yes, we got there late, and we left early. ONLY to argue (not argue/ have a serious discussion) - and cry all the way friggin home!!!

aint life grand?

i hope yours IS.