Monday, December 28, 2009

crap - i did it again -

yep-- there was another SVU marathon on TV yesterday. and guess what? i was a lazy cow the entire day for it. along with soulkid. how does this happen? especially to a person who barely watches tv at all? normally i watch judge judy after school. a couple series when they're new -- like hells kitchen, survivor, idol, and a couple others. of course the svu and criminal intent re-reruns at bed-time. it's just a stone soup kinda thing when and how much tv i watch. but this 12 hour non stop never get off-a-my- ass-all-day stuff? this just isn't something i do.
it's actually physically painful, and after the third or fourth one, i begin to get self critical. but by then? i'm sucked in. i am able to tell myself i'm a lazy cow and ruined the day anyways. not to mention the fact that i have caused myself pain from sitting on my ass for hours not moving. my blood has curdled, and bones have solidified into a mass of fossilized skeletal leavins.
i am physically and mentally destroyed, left to only rot for the remainder of the 'lazathon' only to move my stiff and pain ridden body in order to potty, re-nourish, or transfer to a lying position in my bed in order to finish out what i am able to of the many hours of my beloved detectives, benson and stabler.
most of the while knowing that i should and could be or have been much more productive through the day. doing chores. laundry. taking down holiday decorations.
perhaps even leaving the house on a somewhat nice day--with my family. maybe to a movie, even to the grocery store, if nothing else. instead, soulman was the only one who experienced the outdoors yesterday-- to get my cigs-- cuz i just couldn't miss my shows... he had to get food for soulkid and i-- because we are too addicted to miss even five minutes to prepare food for ourselves-- even though we can -- and were recording each episode.
i sicken myself. i am a cop show junkie. i am powerless over my laziness. i need help.
but until then--- there's another svu marathon comin on on friday :))
don't miss it!

bwa hahahahahaha

good lord, i crack me up-- but at the same time-- i really did feel like a lazy and worthless cow, and i felt guilty, and i did hurt, for all the sittin on my ass yesterday.
another TWELVE hours of it. 12 hours straight of television. i used to feel very sorry for my brother when he would do that. of course he would do that every single day. he had the dialog of movies memorized. yet he would still watch them, and speak the lines along with the characters. used to drive me crazy. and i would wonder,
'how could anybody sit and spend their entire day in front of the tv?'
i guess i know now...
i think of my brother quite often. the lonely life he lived. filling his time with television, cigarettes, gazing into space.
i was young and alone and NOT in pain at the time-- and i would give him suggestions on things he could or should do to fill his time and days- with useful and fulfilling things that would enrich his life and that of others.
i understand him so much better now. the not wanting to go out and be around 'people', the not having friends', the fear of meeting 'people', his 'safety net'.
his comfort zone.
i always thought he was so lonely, and needed so much more. maybe he did. but , i don't think he was as miserable as i always believed him to be.
i think , of course he wished for things to be different. at times. but i think also, that at some point, long before i was aware of it-- he had reached a level of acceptance, that the life he had , was the life he had, and he played the hand he was dealt.
he wasn't as bad off or miserable as i had always thought.
he had his days, i'm sure, that he wanted more, and felt he had wasted. but also, i'm sure, in his own way, he was happy -- or at least ok, with what he had.

i guess what i'm trying to say is-- sometimes i think i might sound all pitiful on here. lonely even. but i'm not. there are of course days that i wish i could-- or would-- DO more. some days the pain prevents that-- and some days the depression prevents that-- and some days-- I myself just don't want to get UP. maybe some days i can't.
but no days are wasted. yesterday i was down on myself for bein so lazy i caused myself pain--- i felt like i wasted the entire day-- because i had a list a mile long of what i SHOULD be doing.
in the end--- i once again, spent an entire day with my kid. not on the computer, not in my office screwin around with banks and bills and bs. not out runnin errands and coming home bitchy and sore etc. but i had a day with my kid. and my hubby. we talked, we laughed, and we just had a day together with minimal distractions.

maybe all those days i thought my brother was wasting --- were days that he was making memories for those of us he left behind --- at a young age. maybe if not for the worrying about him-- he would have gone unnoticed. i don't know. my brother was a guy in his own group of people. he made an impact on people that he was never aware of. not even me-- until it was too late.
i miss my brother-- and if i could change some things-- i would go back and do it in a heartbeat. but i can't. and maybe he wouldn't want me to. i learned more from him, than he ever could have taught me knowingly. maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

anyways-- i'm rambling.
it's the end of the year thing. i just get 'this way' this time of year. i can't help it. it's kinda like in the movies , when they show all the flashback scenes in someones mind. it just happens sometimes to me like that. but the end of the year-- without fail.
some years it is like watching a horror movie. this year, for some reason, i seem to be watching a different movie. same scenes at times. but , i don't know-- not as painful? or horrible? it just feels different. i think i am finally seeing the 'lessons' in it all.
and that could be a wonderful thing.
cuz someone told me once
"until you learn the lesson, you are gonna keep on goin through the same thing over and over."

and i'll tell ya folks---- my life has been one 'test ' after another. i am sooo ready to learn the lesson and move on-- you just don't know. maybe i'm finally gettin there.
i hope so!

anyhow-- on that, i have to get ready to go to the dentist. yep-- one of my favorite things, and yours, i know. bleh.
but hey-- it's a deep scale clean, and i'll tell ya-- i sure could use it.
i LOVE the way my mouth feels after that. well, at least til after i smoke about half a pack of cigs. then it's all over with.

anybody have their new years resolutions planned yet?
let's hear em eh?

hugs to y'all, and hope you have happy days in your worlds today!!!!!!