ok. here i am again. i've actually been getting a little more sleep this passed couple of days...feeling a bit more human now. aside from my back hurting. it has that "ben gay" type of burning feeling again. that is so weird, and i do not like it. duh, who would? but, the extra sleep, that is a good thing. yesterday, i woke up at 4.. Midnight, my mange girl, was doin the tail flapping on the window blinds thing. i thought it was all over with when i got up to put her and sushi outside, but i got my coffee...and the next thing i know... my hubby was saying goodbye as he left for work... at 7 AM! woo hoo. that is the latest i have slept in months. literally. i can't even remember the last time i slept til 7 o'clock. but, i was in the chair, and all knotted up in a bit of a painful position. but it was some well deserved sleep regardless. and this morning, i managed to sleep til almost 630.. again, hubby saying bye leaving for work. i bet i coulda made it to 7 again, if he didn't wake me up. but the thing is... i had a major (really really major) fit one time several years ago because he was leaving for work and not saying goodbye to me, because i was asleep. so what...call me insecure. so anyhow, now he's "afraid" i will have a mental attack and accuse him of not loving me, or worse---having an affair, if he doesn't kiss me goodbye ! crazy right? i'll admit it... i AM certified after all. but anyhow.. one of my quirks. i feel neglected if he leaves without saying bye to me. even if it does wake me up. at least i know he thinks of me. it's probably really just self preservation on his part though...poor fella. doesn't want me goin crazy lady on him... over a goodbye kiss. geesh. will i ever be normal? doubtful.
ok... so anyways. yesterday i had to go to the VA in Dallas...of all Godforsaken places for ME to be forced to drive to. traffic was hell. and of course i wasn't quite sure how to get there. thank God for "mapquest" ! but even with the freakin directions, i continually questioned myself if i was going the right way. did i pass my exit, take the wrong highway, miss my exit... etc. ooooh i just hate to drive anymore. BUT, i made it ... no major problems, except i turned the wrong way off my exit.. but realized it soon, and turned around, so i got there alright.
of course, anyone who knows the VA, or any other government organization... it was "hurry up and wait". i made sure i was there half an hour early.... but was seen... almost an hour later than my appointment time. and in my waiting... some weird older guy.. 55 ish??? just a guess, maybe a bad one, but he was balding sorta, and gray haired. so anyways. this guy decides to chat it up with me. i HATE to talk to people i don't know. absolutely hate it. especially someone i will never see again, nor will i ever want to see again. but this guy would not shut up. blab blab blab. this went on for like twenty endless minutes, until they finally called him in to see the doc. PHEW. BUT... after he saw the doc.... he came BACK, sat down and started freakin talking to me again! "go home already you freak!" man i wish i could be as rude as my thoughts sometimes. this guy...man, i don't know if it was a bad attempt to flirt with me, or if he was just lonely, or what his deal was. one would think that with my one word responses to his blabbing, would give the guy a clue...nope. i think he was high or drunk or something. he was just a strange dude. the only thing that saved me was the lady at the desk... who by the way...was literally, the nicest/sweetest person that i have EVER dealt with at any va in any state i've lived in. i wish she would have been the dr i saw for my eval. but she was just the desk lady. but anyhow, she told him "he could leave now". thank you GOD!"
so... he FINALLY left...but could he just get up and go? nooooooo. he had to tell me his name, ask mine...then extend his hand as if to shake my hand in some great new bond we had made. FREAK! ugh. but, then he was gone. forever, i hope!
i still had to wait a while longer to see the doc. and some other older guy began talking to me...this one wasn't so creepy, and not so "invasive". i didn't mind talking to him for a few minutes. we pretty much just dogged out the va med system. etc. and only for a few minutes, til the doc called me in. plus... he didn't try to "touch" me.
so.... i go in to see the doc. i did not like him, and i do not have a good feeling about what his "decision" will be in raising my claim. he was a "nurse practitioner". not even a damn doctor! he kept talking about my SPINE, blah blah. made me do all the bending and twisting...and didn't seem convinced that i actually was in pain. but i really was! i kept telling him... it isn't my SPINE. it's muscular! i told him of my diagnoses with fybromyalgia, myofacial pain, addisons', etc.... he wanted nothing to do with any of it. he said "i was told to evaluate your SPINE. "
OMG. that is why i'm here asshole....because i was not diagnosed at the time i was given the original disability...now i have a diagnosis and it is not what they have in my records/claim. (which is "limited motion in dorsal spine" UGH )
but...do i say any of that... only the muscle and diagnoses parts. i had to be polite...don't wanna piss off a guy who has the power to give or take money from you. right? so, he does the exam; which consisted of... a few range of motion tests, then he poked my legs with a stick...i was to tell him if it was soft, or sharp. (it was a broken q tip...one side soft one sharp.)... so ... that was that. that was my evaluation to raise my disability from 10 percent.. to i don't care what...just more. oh.. then he sent me for an x-ray of my thoracic spine...which i told him... nothing ever shows up on xray.. IT"S MUSCULAR. did he care? nope... "I'M evaluating your SPINE." grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... soooo i go to xray.
after the x ray i finally headed home. very tired.... from the waiting, the stress of the lame "dr", the weird freak making me talk to him....and touching/ "shaking" my hand. that made me feel almost dirty. what a freak. i was pissed about the treatment and bluntness of the "doc", and i did not want to face the traffic again...which of course waS hell! it was like 5ish..on a friday...holiday weekend...in DFW traffic! ohhh, but "they" gave me 11 dollars for gas. bless you uncle sam how kind.
so, now, i am in a quandry. do i jump the gun...before the xrays are back...and bitch about the NURSE PRACTITIONER deciding my claim? do i go to a civilian dr ASAP, and get some kind of evaluation by a REAL MD, to give to the VA along with this jerks OPINION. all this crap, just irritates the shit outta me.
only God knows what "label" the doc who does my psych eval will have. it'll probably be a freakin social worker ! no offense to social workers... or even nurse practitioners.... but hell..... i have a med file six inches thick of back and psych issues... and they give me a NP to evaluate my back...who by the way, didn't touch a single muscle in my back or neck. THIS eval honestly should have been done by perhaps ORTHO, or RHEUMATOLOGY... not A NURSE. OMG!
can you say FRUSTRATED?
ok... i will quit my nagging..about that at least.
but i shall move on to something i just heard..... do you know that our wonderful government of the USA .... is now, going to allow "illegal aliens/immigrants" .... emphasis on the word illegal. not even citizens of our country! they will now be allowed to apply for, and receive social security benefits ! from a country they shouldn't even BE IN !! much less a country they haven't paid taxes, or social security into. BUT THEY will get money that even our own hungry and homeless, who HAVE worked and paid their whole lives and can't get. OMG i am flamin mad over this one. WHY is it that someone can come from mexico, or china, or india, or even places we've never even heard of... and right off the bat get interest free government loans to start businesses, go to school, whatever.... and NOW even social security.... when our own citizens; many of them VETERANS, live under bridges, unable to get a job at even a gas station, or mcdonalds! it's crap !!! just plain CRAP!
pissed off much? yes i am!
yep... i suppose uncle sam is like the crazy, drunk, child molesting uncle in the family. no body wants to admit he's an asshole. just turn the blind eye over there, and deal with it. ignore it. pretend it will go away. protect the jerk, and enable him...don't tell anyone...shhhh.... because he is family after all... right? we love him. (we love our country)... so just deal with him when ya have to and pretend he doesn't exist when you don't. when all the while he's just twistin that knife in our backs. taking what he can take, no matter how it affects the rest of us. trying to get the approval of people who don't know the truth about him. everyone else (IA'S) say.. "whats wrong with good ole uncle sam... he's just as sweet as he can be... to "US." crazy. political , disorganized, two faced, BS! that what that is!
(that's just my opinion in a time of anger....) i do love my country. i served this country in the military for eight years. i would want to live no where but here... well, maybe a tropical island somewhere...but that's just a fantasy. ohhhh, ya there ya go... fantasy island. but anyhow... i'm pissed. i'm pissed that i live in pain just about every day of my life, and "they" just make it difficult for me to get any help. i must find out if i can get a lawyer to help me with this claim process. because the DAV advocate does NOTHING! what the hell is they're job anyways? i thought they were supposed to help, be your spokesperson and "advocate" perhaps? i've been dealing with this va disability stuff for 13 years.... and they do nothing to help me. nothing!
wanna hear the strangest part? social security.... they are the hardest organization to deal with, apparently...for disability money... many people are denied benefits...for years of trying...sometimes they never get their money...ya, THEIR money. but me... i got mine approved on my first attempt. but it's the VA...who won't see what is obviously disabling conditions...that ARE service connected. how F'D up is that?
ok... i guess i got right back where i said i was gonna change the subject. sorry. gotta "vent" somewhere though. right?
anyhow.. guess i'll just wait for the x ray results and go from there.
as for anything else goin on around here... that's about it. i have chores and errands...and the dreaded "wally hell" to face today. obviously, we aren't going out of town. daughter wants to go to the mall. ugh. i just took her to TWO malls on thursday after school... for her PANTS. which by the way, we never found! OMG. the girl is gonna give me a stroke if we don't find her freakin PANTS immediately if not sooner.
but... i am hoping hubby will do the mall thing, it's just not in me today. especially not on top of everything else i have to do. but... he is at work...only for a couple hours today, but i just have a feeling... he will say he's tired... or will go fishing... or something. and i will be stuck with my two "favorite" places in the world... wally hell, and the stinkin mall. somebody help me!
anybody wanna trade lives for a day or two? preferably someone in a very warm, sunny, beachy, tropical place...with a maid. oh... and a masseuse! yep one of those, at my beck and call!
speaking of warmth, and sun, and sea..... WTF is going on with this weather???? i am in texas ! in april ! and it's like 40 degrees for the HIGH???? ALL of the elements of nature and science are against me.
something very wonderful better happen today. i don't know what.. i don't even care what... i just need something great to come my way! it's that.. or about 4 xanax and a six hour nap! which will it be? this is surely a day i do not want to go face the world... but i must. i need a "mr. belvedere".
good day. :))
ok... it's later..only like half hour later... but guess what.... it's freakin SNOWING! snowing. i hate snow. i hate cold. and i am going nowhere today. no where. unless hubby refuses to go get me some cigs... that is the only thing getting me out of this house today. no mall, no groceries, nuthing. i am not going out there. just build me a cave somewhere. somewhere warm.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> OKAAAAY..... yes, it's later...again. hubby came home from work a while ago. he is now asleep on the couch. after refusing to go get me some cigs. soooo, know what that means? yup. i MUST go face the cold cruel world. i do not want to! at least it stopped snowing. but anyhow, he did agree to do the mall thing with my girl. so i at least don't have to deal with that. phew. and as for the groceries...nope. not gonna do it. not today. they can eat frozen burritos, or top ramen! make me go out in the snow... HA. fend for yourself then. cuz i'm gettin my ciggies, then i'm coming home and going on STRIKE! i'm gonna get right back into my jammies, and go back to bed. no shopping, no cleaning, no nuthin!
bitchy much? ummmm yep!