Friday, November 27, 2009

has anyone seen my oompa loompa ??


missing oompa loompa!!!!


here is my office window-
before the blinds-

here is my office window-
after the blinds-

isn't it loverly? my christmas tree will sit directly in the middle, and will be oh so prett-eee!

guess what else? my family tradition, ever since i can remember, was that we would put the tree up the day after Thanksgiving. that is, until an awful and tragic thing happened in the soul-clan life, shaking our world , and never letting me be my 'old self'.

well, guess what? we have not, in almost 14 years put our tree up the day after thanksgiving. some years, we have actually waited until literally the last minute, and didn't even BUY a tree until Christmas EVE ! unfortunately that was at a time that soulkid was still my starry eyed, santa believing, cookie makin, 2-7 year old , not understandin, baby. and i sucked the magic out of all those memories. i did the best i could, and thank God soulman picked up the slack and did a fine job being santa. if not for him, all those magical years-- or what was left of them.. would have been just days. i'm sure of it.

some of you may not know why this is. but i changed - in a big and very fast way. and not for the better. i caused this family a lot of grief and heart ache. i can't erase any of that. not any more than soulkid can erase what she feels that she has caused.

she made a valiant effort yesterday to make up for what she feels she needed to mend. in our eyes as parents - it wasn't necessary. we love her unconditionally. what has been done - has been done. we don't dwell on the painful times. we look forward to-- and we enjoy the good times we have now. she is an amazing girl. AMAZING. no grudges. clean slate. nothing owed. we just LOVE her.

i'm sure that's how they feel about me. but me? i feel like i have a lot to make up for. a lot of pain. a lot of if only's . i can only start with now. i can't change what is done.
they know that. i know they love me.

oh how many times i couldn't say that before. couldn't believe it. soulkid couldn't either. today we both can.
cuz we are the soul-clan.

ok- i'm done-
i must go now-

i hope you all had great days yesterday-- and better weekends ahead!

hugz to all of you!