Tuesday, April 13, 2010

is this as bad as it gets? if so, let's forge ahead eh?

hiya folks. i guess i could say that i have returned. i think. for the most part yeh, i reckon i'm back. not that i even really left -- not as much as i thought i was gonna in the beginning. so yeh. screw it. i write -- therefore, i am. whether it be a little or a page full, i write. and i miss y'all when i don't. so here i am. and apparently, here are you too. thank you all for not leavin me. you know who you are. some of ya did apparently find the need to not say anything while i dealt with the 'thing' here in my world. and ya know, that's alright. how are ya expected to do or say anything when ya don't even know what i'm talkin about? right? so hey, no bad blood. i missed ya -- but i still love ya. hell , most of y'all don't understand me when i straight out tell ya somethin--- how do ya think i even expect ya to understand 'my code'. i don't. and i didn't. and that's ok.

so here. lemmee show ya somethin. it's a little bit on the pitiful side if ya really think about what you're really lookin at-- lemmee show ya first- then i'll tell ya more about it. k?

do you realize what it is that you are lookin at?
go ahead and click on it.
that my friends, it my mini trash can, next to where i sit.
it is filled to the point of overfloweth, with:
cig packs, Boost, water bottles, and coffee cups.
MY main sustenance for the past two days.

and, if you look at my previous photo post - of sorts ---
you will see that it is also filled with self destructive behavior.
such as -
frivolous spending of cash -- which you all know - is NOT my thing to do.
but i did, and i have done so - as if cash were running through my water pipes.
with has left us entirely broke. busted. poor. and pinching pennies.
also- the TAT - i have hated - even despised the 'black' rose. for almost 20 years.
but i did not need to go get it covered up. not now. not ever. yet i did.
i have talked about gettin a new tat. a small one. really no idea of what - or where.
somehow- sunday me and soulkid hopped into a tat shop-- i left with that tattoo, and she -- against my better judgment -- on any other day -- she left with her nose pierced. GOD save me, baby Jesus !
oh, and the curio cabinet/secretary? you don't wanna know what i paid for that-- but i will tell ya- it woulda been twice as much in a antique store- so it was a steal - but really, i didn't NEED it. impulse buy of the decade for me.
oh and the hookah ! good LORD. i didn't- and won't post a pic -- but i allowed my child. MY BABY- to smoke it as well. i know. just kill me now.
i feel awful. what kinda mother am i??? don't answer that.
i am a good mom. i am a damn good mom. i can say that now - and with conviction. y'all have listened to me question my mom skillz for years-- but now i will fight to the death with the next person who questions me on that lil topic.
damn good i say. i have done everything right. all the way up to now. and i will continue to mother the way that i have. because soulkid did everything right. she wouldn't have - if i didn't teach her how. so yeh. that's all i gotta say about that.

on the other hand. i am kinda stuck on the topic of trust with her-- since i have none. for anyONE. it is so very difficult for me to teach her to trust. or perhaps 're-trust"
i don't know how to do that. i keep telling her "don't be me". then i re-think that immediately in my head. so wrong. she loves me. she trusts ME.
maybe not the hermit part of me. not the me who shut the world out 21 years ago, to never let it back in. i can't watch her do that.
i won't watch her do that. but i don't know how to teach trust-- if i don't know it.

therein lies my biggest problem in bein a mom.
but i know i am a good mom, and i know she loves and trusts me. and for now--
that is what matters the most. right.
oh, and the fact that she loves and trusts her daddy.
we are both good parents--- for her.
mayybe not the next guys kid-- but for soulkid--- we are her parents for a reason.


make your days be good to you -- even if they're misbehavin.

oh hell -- i forgot this part -- ( added at 6:10 P.M) oops.

this song is from like 1990 - i only found it a few days ago-- it fits, and i likee.