Friday, February 24, 2012

soul mess

ola folks -

what's happenin in your worlds these days?  i would like to say the same ole 'not much in mine' - but i'd be lieing.  it's about all i can do to not cry 24-7 these days.  i try to be tough ole soul and hold it in - when that fails - i get in the tub -- for about an hour - or more and just get wet with the rest of me. in an attempt to fool even myself.  i'm a mess.  i know i shouldn't be.  i guess i just can't help it anymore.  the worst part?  nothing is going on that hasn't gone on before in my life.  i guess it's all happening at once this time.
well, the new thing is that i have learned that my husband is not invincible.  i have never been faced with him having health problems.  until now. everything is borderline.  but it is all very serious.  recently, we have learned that he is 'pre-diabetic'.   i reckon it can be 'postponed - or reversed. by diet and exercise.  but since it does run in his family - i am very concerned as to his pre disposition, and current 'condition'. it just may be inevitable for him.  that 'diagnosis - plus his recent EKG - showing a 'possible - 'blockage -  the reality that he might become ill at some point - rocked my world.
he had a 'stress test ' this morning -  the initial report - came back 'ok'.  but i'm not feeling so steady yet with that.  we still have to wait for the final report . 
then there's his 'foot'.  i mentioned that he had surgery on his foot a while ago.  the worst part of that was he accidentally bumped the dishwasher only days after the surgery- and the 'pin' got bent, and had to come out weeks sooner than planned.  well- now - he has to have the surgery repeated .  very soon, and this time- because it didn't heal properly - even worse than planned .. it will be SIX weeks NO weight bearing on his foot !  that is gonna be a major issue with work -- and everything else.  the date isn't set yet for surgery -- but it is inevitable - and must be done ASAP, due to vacation plans and other things we have going on.
all this -- and we are in the worse financial situation we have been in since i can't even remember.
BUT --- here comes some GOOD news !!!!!
you ready ?  (it is stressful for me - due to my level of pain - but we all know i can handle that - even tho i'm worried to death of it--- BUT

the soulkid is going back to audition for x-factor !!!!  yup it's all planned out and reservations are made for her and i to go to austin in march for her to try again !!!!  i have no doubt that she will make it this time! last year i watched the show and i was so mad that they had such bad people on that show -- she is so much better than that .  my faith in her is over the top !
my faith in me?  has me in tears.  i am afraid i will embarrass her in some way.  i think i will need some sort of walking aid.  a push walker- with a seat, or a wheelchair - maybe even a electric scooter.  i so hate the idea.  i just can't do the lines etc.  i cannot stand up that long.  and i hate that - for her.  i 'look' perfectly fine.  but i'm not.  i tried to talk to her about all of this today .  her reply was ' if your this worried i would rather go alone'  wow.

i'm just a mess.

but that's why ya haven't heard from me -- lots goin on.. but not much to say really -- without sounding like a mess.

i just wanna be normal --
i wanna go out to lunch --