Saturday, November 29, 2008

takin a blog break

i need some time away from here. i can't keep up and i can't think straight.
so, i'm gonna just focus on some other things in front of me for a while.

take care folks

Friday, November 28, 2008

just a'cuz . . .

hi folks

yep-- justacuz-- that's why i'm writin again. i think it has been a while since i wrote twice in one day. so i decided i would hop on and say somethin. i'm not really sure what to say yet.. but somethin will come to me in a minute.

hopefully it will make more sense than that "thing" below this one did. i obviously didn't proofread that, before i posted it. i really was falling asleep. if not sleeping already. i hit post, shut the lid, and went to to bed.

i just read it a couple hours ago-- and it answered my question for the day-- of why isn't anyone talkin on here. hmmm. i oughtta just delete the entire mess. but i won't. but i will say that i am sorry for ramblin on that way and "takin you nowhere".holy crap. i don't know what's wrong with me. but i am beginning to worry. the more i write or read on here.

i will tell ya this much-- it's NOT drugs or alcohol-- i haven't even started the chantix yet -- cuz my stupid bitch dr STILL hasn't called it in.

in fact i want a smoke so damn bad-- i may not even make it to sleep without one. ugh. i am NOT in a good mood right now-- and i am jonsin man. ugh ugh ugh. my ONLY vice. i don't think i can'T NOT smoke. i know i can't clean flippin 24 hours a day. i've tried. and trust me... it looks good, but the human body doesn't appreciate it. especially my human body. :))

i think i will apologize here -
ok... here--->>>> sorry, if you got a text from me last night-- like really really late :)) , i sent it at 10 p.m. - but someone told me hers didn't hit til 2 a.m. YIKES-- sorry. and hey-- whoever you are that got a text to a landline-- that was ME!!! LOL. i don't know who you are either-- but let me know hahaha .. that was pretty funny-- and it prolly cost a fortune :)) text to a landline... who ever heard of such a thing??/ how does that even work??? only me peeps i'm tellin ya-- well and the gal on the other end :)) i just can't think who that might have been. hmmm.

so, now what?
i don't know either.
i don't know what the temp was outside today, but it musta been real nice. it was HOT inside. still is, actually. haha-- i'm sweating, oh , nevermind.

ya know, i was talking with a friend last night--- i know, shocking isn't it-- i have a couple :))
but anyhow, we got to talking about God, and prayer, and faith, and that type of stuff.

so, the thing is, it made me think-- not immediately, ya know-- kinda like right now-- i was gonna say something totally different-- but i will say this instead-- and you'll prolly be glad for it :)) cuz it's not medical crap-

i really need more faith, and God stimulating conversation in my life. it was nice to talk about that stuff. it was feel-goody, and i even had a couple epiphany's...ya know. it was kinda like walkin into a bright clean room-or something. alright ! fishin on a clear calm lake!!! ok , how's that? :))

anyways, i really am not a very vocal person around here. i maybe would be-- but-- it just doesn't work out that way. for whatever reason. i just don't talk much around here.
i was on the, phone a lot yesterday tho -- it was actually fun too. and i usually hate talking on the phone. i avoid it at all costs. i gotta really really like ya to spend time on the phone with ya -- so
well just remember that. :)) -- that includes texts .. cuz i am half blind and very sloooow at texting. so even "You" better like me at least a little to put up with my texts :))
sooo anyhow where were we---

i texted a bunch too -- got bunches too.
hubby was joking-- aren't you miss popular?
really--- my phone ne-ver rings.
if it does-it's a bill collector--a dr. ---a teacher--- or a wrong number--- once in a while , a pal, or a relative (my sis or one of her boys) will text or call... but so rare... i could offer someone a dollar for every call i've received in 2008 NOT from a business or wrong number--and i wouldn't flinch.... but that don't count hubby and soulkid. ok not their texts we can count voice calls. but-- i refuse to be the one to count those calls :))
you willing? i'll pay.

so ya, anyhow. i was crackin up on the phone yesterday-- and again tonight... it's just crazy... i'm so easy to please. why then am i "apparentle//allegedly" such a pain to some people? i wish i knew. no one ever tells me-- but the frustration oozes from their pores, until i want to run away screaming.

or--- in this case--- go in my room and smoke!!!!
perhaps, run away -- for a few days. i said for a few days. stop cryin kids. i'd come home.
ugh. luckily--- it's passed my bedtime
i'm not gonna smoke.
i am gonna go to bed tho.
damn it's hot---i hope y'all aren't freezin wherever you're at.


i hope you are with someone who makes you laugh...
in a bed that keeps you warm
under a sky that makes you think of something happy
i hope you know that someone loves you-

(not necessarily me-- could be someone in the room with you :))
or---it might be me---
perhaps me AND someone there?? hmmm
how bout that?

how bout i shut up and go to bed?
yep-- that's my vote too

i can't believe how LATE it is, (11:56 p.m.-- for a old lady-that's late :))
and blogger wont let me post. dammit.
gawd i'm tiad
one more try---

back to real life

well, it's ovah. all that's left is a sink full of dishes. and a few memories. la la la. (sigh)
i understand the sentiment of the day and all, but really. why does it have to be such a big damn deal??? sure there is a period of about ten years somewhere in our lives that thanksgiving is a wonderful day. it kickstarts christmas, the crowds, the family spirit, the shopping spirit, the "attitude of gratitude". you know... it all just gets you in the mindset for going into debt at christmas , even on people you haven't seen or heard from in years, and know you won't til at least the following year. and you don't even care. well, for a while-- at least til the bills roll in.
my point? it's all about the money. it really doesn't need to be-- not for me. not for a lot of people. but even for the peeps like us-- it becomes that way. especially when ya get "out-gifted"-- and then feel all bad for it. that would be when someone gets you a better-or more expensive gift than you expected-- then ya feel all guilty and crappy , and rush out and send them something better than the last gift-- oops. happens to me all the time. or it's the other way around-- and i know it really isn't what it's about-- but there are the times-- when you feel the need to buy someone (from your heart) something really nice-or special-- doesn't even have to be expensive-- and then-- they haven't even thought of you--- no card-- no gift-- no nuthin. just--oh crap, sorry dude.
that's only part of what i hate about christmas.
the other part-- of course the weather.
and of course--- this is just "one of those times of year... that brings me down-- do to a bad event, many years ago, that i will forever be reminded of at christmastime.
and because of that--- for the last many years-- most of my poor soulkids life... i have been a nasty scrooge. just never in the true holiday spirit-- never into decorating, shopping, jollyness.. none of it really. santa overcompensates when able-- we've had a few poor christmases - but even then- i made sure- that soulkid got lots of junk-- a whole lot. two grandparents always send money... then of course we would do whatever we had to to come up with what we had to to get whatever else she wanted.
well... i guess it took me a long time to get to this point-- but i have come to the conclusion that
1- santa is dead.
2- if i send you a gift of any sort-- be happy i even attempted to do so-- cuz i guarantee it is not my favorite thing to do-- (shop--etc---not "think of you" :))
3- i'm broke this year-- so don't expect much--if anything-- i already gave the kid the speel.. and of course she spazzed. she doesn't remember her scroll kit christmases. LOL nah hers were always good. but she's older, she did ask for less-- but oh boy-- the three or four things she wants? total, what filled under the tree in previous years. sooo wth?
4- how did i get here? why am i writing all this crap? i thinnk i will change the subject. maybe i was just sayin... last year-- i came into some cash-- and by making up for lost time-- and of course down payments on 2 vehicles--and moving--and paying movers--cuz we don't even know 9 people, much less nine that would volunteer to move us--like kelly jene---- she's a loveable gal eh? blessed to have friends like that too--- but anyhow---
the year for me and my clan? started out on a major level of suckage. i even put my oldest , longest ever owned best animal to sleep in the beginning of the year... yep-- my midnight. my soul-mate. i KNOW we "talked". we communicated soul to soul.. though our eyes, and minds. i always knew what she wanted-- she always knew what i needed. and now she's gone---
and i blame the fuckin black eyed peas for New Years!!!

2008 has sucked -- it has sucked, well, anything gross, and suckable !

in fact,
i think i would rank it
right up there with

google it if you never heard of it-
you will be ill for the rest of the day.
i have had the opportunity to try it
i just can't.
it smells horrid.
baby ducky corpse.

ok let's move on???
hey? where's my coffee minion? dammit.
oh, that would be me.
hmmmmmm k

oh that reminds me---
BRAD---- i'm still waitin for my hot bed warmer fairy ova heah???? whaddup? did you put bear on a greyhound or somethin LOL

ok, anyhow-- i just noticed the title i gave this post-- and the dr google stethoscope... umm, kinda reminds me-- i was gonna update y'all on a little bit of news i got the other day. friday. you know how vague these asshats can be right. especially when it comes to stuff like this. things that are bordering soooooo close to nuthing vs something. there really is a very fine line here. well, i found some very interesting, and seemingly reliable medical pages on the topic of thyroids and cysts/nodules/ etc etc etc. i swear i must've read that stuff for literally hours.

i know-- i could have posted, and visited, and talked to ALL of you-- maybe twice... but i was just very interested in this. not only is it all new to me--- it is about me. so it was interesting. i was actually learning. i don't really learn very often. i used to pray that i would remain teachable, and try to learn something everyday. it wouldn't have to be work related, technical, medical... it could be spiritual, natural, a fishing trick, a new friend fact, anything. but i slacked off. i can't say that i have been teachable-- or that i have allowed myself to learn much at all -- for quite a while. i have been quite closed off, for some time.
well.. i take that back-- partially--- i am working hard on my people / relationship skillz. not sure how well i'm fairing there-- but i try-- and i know for a fact-- things could be worse-- if i wouldn't have taken a step back and re-evaluated some things.

crap- i lost my place. surprised? nope me either. lemmee get the dogs in, and maybe it'll come back to me.

dammit-- i forgot to turn the heater off. oh well, i aint gettin up again. not right now anyways.

ok, my train of thought just jumped the damn track
what is up with that.
it's really bothering me lately. and seems to be gettin worse.
maybe it wouldn't be gettin worse, but it seems that i have
been speaking aloud more lately,
and i really just sound foolish.
i can't remember stuff from five minutes ago- sometimes in the same conversation,
and it just gets irritating-
for anyone involved.

OMG-- i have been sittin (back ) down for like five minutes and am sweatin like a damn pig-
i turned off the heat- now i think i need to open a window-
i don't know wth is goin on.
most of the time it's just me.. the others don't seem as miserable as i am.
when that happens- i hear my mother-- LOL
she would grab "your" hand and slap it to her neck or face and say
"I'm sweat-ing, feeeel THIS""
we (her kids) would
just laugh at her.
it was just funny the way she said it-- all snooty like.
had to be menopause, but it was funny.
she was funny-- sometimes.

ok folks-- are you readddday???
can you handle the dr google report?
i'll start with the "real" scan results-
then update you on what i found out
thru my own doctah googs research.

friday afternoon, i went to have my "PT-INR' read at my reg dr. usually every week or so. at first it was a couple times a week-- as it stabalizes-- we spread it out. well friday-- it was good. finally. we got the coumadine dose leveled out and know where i should be at on that now. 7.5 mg day. that put me at a 3.1 . should be where i won't clot-- OR bleed to death if i get cut or fall and hit my head. so that much went well.

then i asked about the chantix-- doc said she'd call it in-- she did not-- i am pissed and my jaw hurts-- but you already know that. so if i smoke-- this is my documentation that it's HER fault. LOL kiddin. but it is always nice to have someone to blame isn't it???

ummm, oh ya , then i asked about the thyroid ultrasound. and yep-- i have been kinda avoiding that subject a little. remember , the last thing i said was "it sounded iffy". that was before i heard anything about the ultra-sound. only by talking to my endo doc-- none to confidently about the CT results-- good lawd she's a idiot. so anyhow--- my gawd i wannna cigarette !---
anyhow... i guess i saw my GP after her. right? ugh , i'm so brain dead i can't stand it. but--- she explained some to me better. not a whole lot better-- but i could understand it better. PLUS, she gave me a copy of the US report , so i had i had that to refer to on google. :)) i know.. my best friend AND worst enemy. BAH

i left the dr, and came home , and did get online to see what i could find--- in layman's terms. well ok.. in my case? idiot terms. and i did find a couple really decent well written pages, with a lot of information on them.

FIRST- my real live ultra sound summary of findings =

there are three "nodules". 2 on the right- 1 on the left.
all three have microcalcifications.-- but the 2 smaller ones say "possible".

the biggest one -on the right lobe - "shows punctate calcifications/histologic evaluation recommended.

that one and another are over a centimeter in size. the other is some odd mm.. i already put the paper away. i can't even deal with damn metrics right now. but that one doesn't seem to be a concern anyhow.

so-- now you ask.. what's the next step-- right?
well, i got referred to an ear, nose and throat doc/surgeon. i will see him on Dec 10th. until then i will know nuthin. except what the devil tells me-- and i'll get to tat in a sec.

first, i wanna ask-- am i the only one that thought that the endocrinologist would be the doc to deal with this?
i was surprised to see i was referred to an ENT-- i didn't even remember what an ENT was! :)) -- and y'all know me-- i thought i knew everything (medical.) bout time i got that bubble busted eh?
soooooooooooooooo--- that's the scoop, tat's the plan.. wanna hear the dr google theory? (s) ???

k- here it is anyhow---

ok-- here it's not-- cuz i am fallin asleep lookin for it, and my phone keeps ringin. and any creativity i might have had when i started this post--- it's long gone now. i'm sooo tired. i don't even know why i woke up so early. but the cowboys won-- i think .

i shall be back later when i'm not so tiahd.

ps--- phew-- i almost blew it big time right here-- i fell asleep right here in my chair--- i was just clearin up my papers and junk, gonna put up the laptop and go lay down, and guess what? here lies this post-- un-posted, all lonely. poor post almost got dumped. i need a vacation. how does a "house -wife" convince people she needs a vacation? i know i'm about to keel over-- but normal people would swear that i do nothing. lemmee tell ya -- they're very wrong.

except for this moment-- i am goin to take a nap-- last night was a rough one.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

happy giblets peoples!

howdy folks ! i bet i'm the last one to say hello in blogland today? sorry . how rude of me. i won't make excuses, but i do apologize. i meant to get here sooner. every time i tried i got sidetracked or the phone rang, or this or that-- you know how it goes.

anyhow---- i hope everybody had fantastic turkey days!

ours was pretty good. lots to be thankful for around here. surviving the year i reckon was a feet in itself for a couple of us over here in soulland.

we decided we would step away from the traditions and go with a good ole smoked beef brisket this year. traditions are "for the birds" apparently. wanna know why i say so? cuz, for new years, we decided to go the traditional route for the first time in either of our lives and try the black eyed pea thing. and in return, what did we get? well, we went broke. we got mice in the attic. the ceiling leaked, the A/C went out. soulkid fell apart. i had like three trips to the emergency room.. for real live emergencies. UGH. i coulda gone at any time gilberT. soulman broke his hand. i'll stop there-- cuz if i start TRYIN to remember lord knows WHAT i might find. :)) anyways.. point bein... no more goin with the flow / just for the sake of traditions sake any more for this soul clan. nuh uh no way no how. we'll pick our meals by fate, not what the neighbors have on their plate. :))

ugh-- i know-- that was baaaad huh? oh well, i'm done .

sssoooooooo....... i haven't smoked yet-- and OMG i WANT to soooo bad . i have three packs around here and i could smoke at my leisure. just the thought makes my jaw twitch. erg. my poor jaw. this gum is gonna kill me. i chew it too hard or too long or too something-- but man-o-man it flippin aches. it hurt to just eat my meal today. i may be doing permanent damage to my face and jaw muscles just tryin to not smoke. what a trade-off.
go ahead--- it's your turn to tell me i'd be better off smokin :))
kiddin. i am, but i'm not. hmmmmm.

so. anyhow. what else?

nuthin i guess. just a happy turkey day for now.
i'll save all the boring junk for tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

oh the difference a day makes -

howdy folks---

i wish i could say i won't talk about medical shit-- unfortunately--- i will. but just quickly. let's start with the endo appt. yesterday. i really need a new endo doc. i just don't have the four month gap available to wait between endo's while i wait to get in with a new one that i may dislike even more. i just think this lade isn't very good at what she does. in fact-- yep -- i think i know more than she does sometimes. i really do. ugh. anyhow-- we did talk about my thyroid-- but she didn't have the ultrasound results - so goin by the CT-- she said that it (the cyst) was about 4mm, i don't do metrics-- so that's greek to me-- but apparently pretty small. it "may" be fluid filled, as it is "the same density as surrounding material". wtf? i had to ask wth? that's when she said that. so then she said the ultrasound will be more definitive on that part. then she did some labs and sent me on my way.
so i'm hopin to hear somethin more about the ultrasound results today when i go get my blood checked. soooo i spose i'll get back to you on that.

sort of medical, but not so much, but in a way---
i haven't had a cig since about 4pm yesterday. i really really want one. i won't lie about that. i have smoked for over THIRTY years. i'm 42. that is a long damn time. my only constant in my life. my security blanket. always there. except when i was pregnant with my daughter-- and the few failed attempts at quitting--that never lasted more than a few weeks.
but-- after the lung clot-- and seeing so many doctors since--- you KNOW they all have something to say about the smoking. yesterday-- the endo doc... just by puttin the stethoscope to my back--- asked if i was smoking. that's what clenched it for me. i did quit obviously in the hospital-- and maybe a week after-- but have been smokin since. but if my lungs are already sounding bad? i just can't sit here and kill myself. at first... from what i had been reading-- smoking wasn't mentioned as a contributing factor to embolisms. the docs didn't even mention smoking-- at the hospital. well... lately i been looking at recovery/relapse... and yep-- not only was it the layin in bed with mono and bronchitis for days--- it was the smoking on top of it. i must stop it. now.
anyone want to join me?

cuz THIS is about how stoopid i feel-

Plus-- there will be no more of

sooooo, what's next ?
ahhhh my house. it looks mahvelous. not totally done yet--- but the main rooms are, and i am soooo happy. sore as hell. but happy. i had to crawl around the kitchen floor on my hands and knees with a bucket of water and sos pads to scrub it ... but it looks better now than it ever has.

i would love to say i was finished with the laundry--- but soulkid didn't finish her room, so i expect even more to be flowing out of that hell pit.

the landlady is comin at 9 a.m. to pick up the lease, so i won't be gettin much more done before then.. perhaps soulkids bathroom (the main bath) fun, i know.

that only leaves my bedroom bath, and office. OMG this house is just too big for us. well.. too big for 'me' to keep clean. especially to clean after a couple months of not being cleaned right.
maybe if i do quit smokin i can get my maid with the cig money??? hmmm.
my own kid is the only kid her age i know who refuses to clean for cash. i have offered 20 bucks just to wash dishes-- does she? nope. i really think she doesn't know how to clean, and i had no idea that was even possible. apparently it is. and if i knew that five years ago-- she'd be a cleanin fool. buuuut-- well, you know. i thought people just "knew how to clean by nature".

but since she doesn't
does anyone have
some of these i could borrow for the day???

anyhow peeps--- i better get UP and get busy. i got thangs to do today.

clean the bathroom... what a way to start the day huh?
MORE laundry-
deal with the landlady-
run errands-
pay bills-
get t-day dinner-
clean my fridge (almost forgot that one-)
oh i can't go on.. i'm already tired just thinkin about it.

oh ps!!! Good news--- for ONCE in a blue moon----

i got an email from my childhood friend who i haven't heard from in like ten years. we met at four and five years old !!! stayed close into our twenties-- and lost touch.
funny how that happens.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today---

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

cold coffee and my neverending to do list

well, here i am, sittin in the dark. not to mention the cold. i don't think i noticed, until i moved into this house, just how much difference carpeting makes in the temperature of a home. we have wood floors / tile throughought -- and i'm freezin dammit. i have no idea what the temp is outside, but i do know it's cold. damn cold. and i'm sittin next to a window, that may as well be open. theres a damn breeze comin through-- but it's shut. somehow i either didn't notice this last year-- or it didn't do it. but man we're gonna have to get some plastic over this big ole window this winter.
OOOH i bet i know what it is--- i'm already flippin freezin all the time-- now i'm on damn blood thinners. holy crap! i bet i am gonna have cry babyinist winter EVER. oh gawd. i beg forgiveness in advance. i just might need a "hot" bed warmer fairy y'all :)) -- anybody have one???

y'all know what SAD (seasonal affective disorder ) is don't ya?? well.. for anyone who missed my lovely 3 month long crybaby attack last winter-- prepare yourself. i have that. i hate winter. i hate cold. i hate bein bundled up--goin outside -- wearin a coat-- sleeves-- anything bulky. and the smell of the heater makes me want to throw up--and it turns my skin into rhino hide.
it's just plane depressing. y'all think i'm agoraphobic now? (to a extent)-- see me in the winter.
i avoid the elements at all costs. winter makes me hateful !! it's like constant pms. i don't want to be that way-- but that's how i've been for many years.

i bet i haven't enjoyed the cold since i was a kid. and i know i haven't enjoyed the holidays for at least 10-11 years. maybe even longer-- but that was when i admitted it. i'm a scrooge-- i wish i didn't even have to be around anyone for these two months--- people who know me , and know why i feel that way --- i think they "want" to understand. i just don't think they do-- or can. or maybe they just don't want to. they just want me to be un-scrooged.
but how do you do that-- after so many years?
i could insert my psycho-analysis here and make more sense-- but i won't-- so call me "cryptic" if you must. sorry.

anyhow--this last week or so , i have been wonderin, wth did i USED to write about???? i really think it wasn't all medical, all the time. i joked, and told stories, and seemed to have a lot more sustenance to what i had to say here. at least i think i did. i dumped most my archive a while back, so don't really have it to look back on...well-- it's on a disc-- somewhere. i just don't have the extra energy to waste looking for it. too much work to do. right now. i'll get to it. then i'll prolly kick myself. just lately-- it's the hilite around here. everyday it's something medical goin on.

like right now. i woke up at 530-- an hour ago-- do i feel alive? chipper? happy? rarin to go after a long nights sleep? well, no. of course not. i want to go back to bed. wth is up with that?? i just got UP. ERG.

but-- on the lighter side? i got an unexpected call from my endo doc yesterday-- well the office. they said i had an appointment today. i didn't have it on my schedule. that could mean that when i went in the wheelchair a couple weeks ago they made a follow up, and maybe i forgot---- OR= it has somethin to do with the thyroid CT results etc. cuz i don't know anything about it. and of course the receptionist didn't either. hmmm. it would be nice to know something about that today. good or bad-- i don't like NOT knowing anything. and i just get mad waiting.
you will be glad to know-- i have stopped researching that at least but i am having symptoms. mostly energy probs-- and appetite probs. which could be post PE crap. so. hell if i know.
i do know it is all just a pain in my ass. so anyhow-- i see endo today-- and hopefully will have some answers on my thyroid-- or at least a new direction to head in.

POD today? finish laundry-- yes, believe it or not, there's more. mostly towels now.. maybe three loads. i did about five or six loads of clothes yesterday-and the night before. a death defying act. ugh. how that happens is beyond me. it looks like NO clothes have been washed since i went in the hospital.. but i KNOW soulman has done laundry-- there just was TONS of it in there. if i had more strength, i would have gone to the laundry mat. but there was no way. but-- almost done. with that at least. then it's on to bigger and better things-- one room at a time. i have designated walls and pet messes and littler box and of course her room, to soulkid, soulman volunteered for the kitchen :)) , so, that means i get the rest. yippee. it leaves a lot-- but at least i have willing help.
i managed to keep the landlord away from here yesterday to sign the lease-- but she said she wants to pick it up after soulman signs it--- nooooooooooooo. i didn't want her to come over here and force me to clean. but i understand. i know she needs to check on the house-- and actually there are a couple things i need to show her--- like the damn leaking ceiling! with stains. UGH.
double UGH. sooo--- i informed the family-- y'all need to get busy-- pick a room and CLEAN it..
hmmmm. surprisingly-- they agreed. i think they know i'll jump offa bridge if this place doesn't get cleaned up. it's not that terrible , it's jjust the buildup ya know-- it's needs a good sweep and mop-and scub, and dust and vac.. the hard stuff. the easy stuff, almost done. oh lawd i hate bein so far behind on the house.

it would be so much easier to just knock it down
or move.
but, that isn't an option.
so, cleaning frenzy, here we come.

well.. doesn't that sound like great plans for a tuesday?
what's your plan o' the day?

have a good one-

Monday, November 24, 2008

if it weren't for bad luck - i'd have no luck at all

oh hush-- you know it's true.

i woke up today with loads of plans of what i would do;

- get a haircut
- wash my car
- go sign my lease
- pick up some things at the store
- dishes
*and like that isn't enough--
there WAS actually
how far have i gotten? umm, well,
- i did get laundry swapped around
- i did drink a few cups of coffee
and umm, that's about it--
i realized, dammit-

and that's when it happened ,
yep-- i found myself with dr. Google-- again.
i shouldn't have-
but this time was different-
it was a message board, so it was actually the patients writing
rather than some confusing medical crap site.
but still--
it tells me that i have much more of this

to look forward to.
the indecisiveness, and confusion
that has become my brain.
(which apparently is normal for people who have
pulmonary embolisms.
i couldn't only have a clot--
noop i had to go all the way-
and have an "infarction" too-
along with DVT (deep vein thrombosis)
meaning the clot came from a vein in my leg.
each of these adds more time to the recovery-
and from what i read-
we're talkin minimum six months!

some of these people took 2-3 months off work,
and when they went back they had to quit-
they couldn't THINK-
they still got tired too fast.
THIS really sucks ass .

i thought i was just bein a whimp--
or maybe bein chicken-
afraid to have another one.
apparently not.

this is it.
this is as good as it gets for me-
at least for a while.

so much for "spring cleaning"
this week.

i could continue--
but i won't make you suffer.

happy monday peeps

Sunday, November 23, 2008

i just wanna be normal ---

howdy peoples

i have been awake since around 7-ish, and i just now --- at 830 -- realized it is sunday. all morning i thought it was monday, and was planning my day as such. ugh. y'all, i am seriously beginning to worry about my brain.
in fact, i watched House on TV last night-- would you believe some woman on there had a lung clot-- what a cowinkydink eh? well, one thing they did on there-- that they didn't do for me-- was-- check to see if her brain function had been compromised. i'm tellin ya-- somethin happened to my brain. it just aint right. wonder if it'll go back to it's already bad memory self, or stay like this??? cuz "this is just not good.

onto other things.
i did manage to cover myself in the birthday gift department. didn't even have to leave the house. last night hubby was cruisin online sales and auctions for amplifiers-- for his new guitar-- oh, and pedals too. well, he only had enough money left from his guitar money for the pedal.. so i told him i had enough on one of my credit cards for the amp he wanted-- which he STOLE-- the dude wanted 300-- used-- then called him back and told him he'd take 130.00 cuz he really needed the money. i almost feel bad payin so little , but i told him to use my card and paypal it. so gift is a done deal.

only thing about that? i'm already tempted to find an apartment on the side-- because of his guitar playing--and soulkids music blasting thru the poor acoustics of this house-- i haven't been able to get out much to escape from the noise-- now that it's gettin cold-- i know i won't be goin anywhere --
they want to kill me i think. i just cannot handle noise like that. i haven't tolerated noise well for years. it's a real "condition"... but -- it's mine--- not theirs. but it literally makes me hurt, and angry, and panicky and miserable.
but hey-- it makes them happy-- not my being miserable-- but their music.
so what can i do?
i just don't know--- i really wouldn't get an apartment-y'all know that.
i do need some lead ear muffs i think. do they make those?? :))

yes i know i am rather bitchy today. i have an excuse tho--- maybe a couple.
yesterday-- soulkid had her turn... we both did actually-- we both went from ok to arguing throughout the day.... my freakin headache was my excuse-- yep the same damn headache i had for days. and her excuse was-- i have craaaaaamps. oh the joys of a teenage girl in the home. so i went to bed at like 6 pm last night-- just to get away from it all. the noise the bickering, and to just rest and hope my headache would go away.

i didn't go to sleep til like 11 or 12 i think, but i hid out for hours.
this morning i had a visitor-- yep you guessed it-- aunt flo knocked on my door. isn't it weird how women living together do get on or near the same cycle? just imagine poor soulman. i really do pity him at these times. and i try to remind him to try to ignore us---or even just go fishin or somethin. he caught the brunt of soulkids rage yesterday too----- so-- he was reeeeeal happy to hear this morning, that I have "IT" too. :)) -- but he is such an understanding guy-- he said-- that's why you two have been arguing. :)) i still pity him. i know the men know just what i mean.
but hey-- on the bright side?
90 % of my migraines are pms related, so it is gone now... finally. i almost forgot what it was like to be headache-less. maybe i can accomplish something today?

speaking of such things-- that i prolly shouldn't have-- :))
but did anyhow--

yesterdaY soulkid told me i should have a baby !!!!! OMG NO!!
i told her-- i'm too old to have a damn baby! i can barely take care of myself.
i considered it (we did) when she was like 5. but hell no, not now. i am soooo done with kids. i'll wait for the grand baby thank you. and Lord i pray that isn't any time soon.

so anyhow-- i really have nothin else to talk about. i could complain. i would have lots to say in that department--- but i'm as sick of that as y'all are. i really need to work on my attitude. with winter looming-- and so much to catch up on-- it does make it tough. but i try.

so-- i will let y'all go--
and i hope you have happy days today in your worlds---

Saturday, November 22, 2008

birthdays mean nothing anymore

happy saturday folks---

wusshappenin in your world?

not lot here in mine.

it's cold. i got up too early for a saturday. i've had a headache for four days straight. and soulmans birthday plans went out the window last night. yep. i must say-- that was prolly the most un-happenin birthday either of us have had since we've met. even in our poorest of days we found ways to make somethin happen, or do somethin on birthdays etc. well, last night, we made plans to go to a nice dinner... but number one-- we were over hungry-- which makes me mean... and him too, just not as bad. then when we got to the place we were goin there was a line out the door. NOT. we decided he didn't wanna deal with the crowd, and me with my headache , didn't wanna deal with the noise of a saturday night out. we ended up at whataburger drive thru ! woo hoo!!
"happy birthday honey! enjoy your dinner, by the way--- i didn't have a chance to buy you a gift."

OR-- bake a cake-- but if i did --- i found the perfect one :))

is this what it's like as the years roll by in a marriage??? it really does seem that every year things like this get less significant. gifts have changed dramatically in price and significance. and it really doesnt matter to either of us. gotta be a sign of age. or something.

well, life is great, then ya get old and bitchy.
good thing love doesn't care.

happy saturday peeps!

ps--- soulman does say thanks to all who sent happy birthdays!

Friday, November 21, 2008

why is everybody always pickin on me?

oops, i did it again!

(no animals were harmed in the taking of this photo) :))

yep-- i did, do it again. i fell asleep on my laptop last night.
i didn't even know it -- til hubby woke me up-- nagging about it.
he has been using my laptop lately-- cuz his is broken. but i won't say why--
but i will say-- it was a lot worse than what i did to mine.
but he was kinda angry-- and said
"there's a cigarette in your laptop!"
"hmmm, wonder how that happened, there wasn't when i put it up" :))
i really had no recollection of falling asleep-droppin a cig-- nothin.
but there it was, and there's another nice little burn on my keyboard.
i really was exhausted last night-- early too-
but i wanted to catch up with
as many peeps as i could-- so, ya can't blame me for tryin.
anyhow-- he was pissed-- i was tired--
he got online--i went back to sleep-
and this morning no one has mentioned it.

i know he's not mad--so much about the laptop--
as he is-- what COULD happen if i don't cut the shit out
and stop smokin in bed after my sleep meds.
i really do know better.

sooo-- no more late night-- that's in old lady time btw--
like after 9 pm - ish
seems there's a lot more at stake than laptop strangulation at this point.
this last 6 months-- i can't tell you all what i've burnt by fallin asleep smokin.
it really is just stupid.
and i never remember it-- so then i feel even worse.
i've read the meds i take-- people do stuff in their sleep and don't remember--
but they drive--or eat-- or other weird stuff--
luckily i haven't sleep-drived yet.

but anyhow--
as for yesterdays plan to cut my errands short and take it easy?
didn't happen.
i still ended up on a constant run from like 8-2.
it sucked.
it went by fast-- but i was exhausted by the time i was done-
i'm ready for a day of doin nothin again.
but it will be a while for that to happen.

if you haven't seen the comments/replies in the below post-- it mentions alot-
about my thyroid stuff.
yesterday i got a call from the scanning place-- they had an opening so i took it.
i had the ultrasound on my thyroid.
of course i don't have any answers yet-
but they said the report would be faxed to my dr that day.
so i may hear something as early as today.
i hope so.
i hate to wait to find out what --if anything-- is wrong with my own body.
i know the techs can't tell you nuthin..i always ask anyhow-
this one was the rudest i've encountered in a while.
she wouldn't even tell me if there was more than one-- even tho , by the way she was placing the "wand"- i could almost tell she focussed on at least two or three areas.
but-- i guess you will know when i know.

so-- today is soulmans birthday-- and still, i am not prepared.
i hope i can pull this one off--
as he doesn't have to work today.

too bad guys can't be happy with just flowers and a card eh?
i wouldn't have to leave my chair :))


happy friday peoples!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

anybody got a sugar tit?

howdy folks--
here i am..
days behind on posting-- and over a month on my life. not a good place to be.
i have done a lot these passed couple of days tho playing catch up. but i have overdone it.
last night--well and during the day was awful for me. it was a non-stop day for me. and man i paid for it in a big way at the end of the day. nothing stopped til 9 p.m. that's when i was able to get into my jammies and go to bed... maybe a little later. but i had never been soooo ready for bed. i was mentally and physically whooped. just beat like a stray mutt. i hadn't felt that bad for like three days over the last month. i had to scold myself.
then this morning, soulman came in to wake me up--and my brain is so fried-- for whatever reason-- it really has been gettin worse that ever over the last few weeks-- he comes in to wake me up, because i have to take my child to school today. i was like-- why do i have to get up.? and i wasn't very nice about it either.
man i feel like i been hit by a train this morning. twice. ugh.

but-- on the good side-- i have one bill left that i must go out to pay today. kid to and from school.. and if i really wanted to-- the rest of my list could be put off without too many consequences- til tomorrow.
i do this all the time tho- and i really should know better. when i get down-- either physically or mentally-- the minute i feel the least bit better-- there i go trying to catch up on everything in one day. this is the longest i have been unable to do anything in like ten years. only one other time was i out of commission for over 30 days. and after that-- we moved-- that was a lot easier than all i have to do now. cuz we donated or tossed or sold almost every thing we owned at the time.

if i could do that now-- i prolly would. (sigh)

physically, and y'all know-- it is literally one thing after another with me--- this lung clot really must be the wort physical problem-- longest lasting, scariest, most pissin off, isolating, immobilizing, depressing, life halting, thing i have ever dealt with.
and OMG i can't stand it-- and i thought it was over. i was wrong. i just gotta take it easy for a while longer. no jumpin right back into things just cuz i can move better i guess.

and ya wanna hear about my brain? you know it never has been "right", ever since i started this thing. some of that is my warped sense of humor-- some is just my bad memory/or my senile. but i swear-- ever since the lung clot-- i just have not been the same. i cannot remember stuff. even stuff that my senile would have-- i forget now.

yesterday, i opened a savings account for soulkid--- oh man-- that girl really musta thought i was outta my gourd. (and nope-- it wasn't meds--i hadn't taken many -- maybe 2 , and hours before. ok it was 3-- now that i think of it .. but they were a bit apart-- but still hours before) but i couldn't remember things.. accounts, where money was or wasn't, numbers, etc. then i would try to explain..and talked 100 miles an hour cuz i was embarrassed and nervous for soundin like such a fool. and not remembering. grrrrr. i do it everywhere.

i saw my doc for my blood test-- remember last time i mentioned that? it had dropped to a real loww number-- 1.2 , from 1.9 from a few days before? and i didn't know why?
well i figured out why. cuz i am a dumbass. i have 2 bottles of that med-- warfarin/coumadin= 1mg and 5 mg. so yesterday i go in and it read close to a 5. it 4,6 somethin. the doc asked what did i do so different. i say umm.. i noticed that i was taking the 2 1 mg rather than 2 5 mg, so after i noticed i went to 10 mg a day-- and because i found the mistake i didnt go to 20 like you said. cuz i knew i hadn't been taking enough.
then i got scolded, because now-- i am "over - anti- coagulated". how special. i could bleed to death at any time gilbert. :)) so now it's skip 2 days-- then lower the dose again. gawd i hate takin meds .

then i asked her about the thyroid CT-- she did get it-- and will be scheduling me for a thyroid ultrasound-- they are beter for diagnosing if it is a solid "mass" or fluid filled. if it's fluid filled it is usually "nothin" if it is solid-- it could be "somethin".. i'll let ya know when i know.

i hate waiting--- more so-- i hate PAYIN. i wish i had ten for every hundred i paid to medical shit this year alone. christmas would be covered i bet ya. sickening. i wish i just ditch the docs and let what happens happens. nothin has killed me yet. well--- yes i know.. this last thing may have. but i mean the other stuff.. none of that has killed me yet. well the addisons almost did if they wouldn't have caught that.
ok, not a good idea.

anyhow-- for those i owe visits-- or email-- i really will try to get there today--- cuz i know i won't be doin as much as i planned to today. it is not in me. tomorrow is soulmans' birthday and i can not let myself be all laid up in bed in pain and worn out for that. i still haven't even planned anything-- bought anything.. not even a card. i'm a piss poor wife.

what a damn month it's been.
technically-- if ya toss my kid in there-- it'd make it a helluva 3 months. or more.
me thinks we need another vacation. ugh. yes i know-- i'll keep dreamin-- and y'all do the same.

happy thursday!

Monday, November 17, 2008

what a wasted day - please sah, may i have anothah?

when "they" said, someone oughtta slap the crap outta you!!!
i had no idea that it would ever be ronald mcdonald!
what is the world coming to?

i had to spend the day alone with my thoughts after that.
but here i am.
did ya miss me?

ok-- check out this video--- it's a little longer than it prolly should be--- but just watch... i don't think that kitty likes that woman much.

ok-- how bout this one-- i couldn't help myself-- i cracked up like a crazy person.
so, i'm easy to please---
happy turkey day :))

you may be wondering by now, why the hell i am puttin videos of worthless crap on here???
that would be because i have nothing to say-- but i wanted to post something all day long. i just cannot find my creativity button. it got misplaced somewhere in this mess i call my home.

and that is why i don't have one- :))

- i accomplished not one thing all day. except a long nap this afternoon. the rest was spent -- thinking-.
what can i write about?
where will i find some good pix to put on my blog
i have nothing to say---i am brain dead
i must get a life
i have to get out of this house
i owe so and so
and so and so
and so and so
but i cannot think of anything to say there either.

you see, literally-- i thought of what i could or should or wanted to do the entire day---
but i did none of it. none.

therefore--- i spose that means :

even so--- i did happen to find the vanity plate that i will be puttin on my next car--- or maybe my boat trailer ---

kinda fitting, no?

ok i'm done for the day-- goo-night peeps

Sunday, November 16, 2008

this is continued from the below post-- cuz i put that one up today too

hi peoples--

if you're wonderin why i would have a sunday post, marked as a saturday post-- it's cuz i fell asleep last night tryin to write it--and just finished it a few minutes ago.. that's why. just thought i'd straighten that up here-- cuz i don't think i mentioned it til late in the other one.

so anyways, i hope it wasn't too hellish gettin through that one. i'll tell ya-- it was hellish to write it. my brain just isn't workin right lately. and maaan i'm tired this last couple days too.

in fact, i think i will be takin a nap " right quick". haha do any of y'all say that? right quick?
i don't really say it. not out loud. i've known people who do. i'm not sayin there's anything wrong with it. i like a good ole southern folk accent. like goin fishin down at the crick. or goin to the store , right quick. or how bout... i'm so plum give out i'm takin me a nap right quick!

that would be the one. :))

i just wanted to jump in here and let y'alll know that both these posts are todays--- saturday and sunday--
and to let you know that "yesterdays" was just a little late late last night--- and i was just real tired.

i didn't mean to ramble so long, and i hope i didn't bore anybody to death. cuz i'd sure miss ya :))

i'll check around later on... soulman took soulkid to mallhell :))
perfect time for a nap-- this is quiet time i just cannot waste---

hope y'all are havin happy weekends!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

just when we thought it was over--- here comes more medical crap - but wait- there's more :))

howdy folks----

i saw ya roll your eyes that time :))

i know, i'm gettin tired of it myself around here. all this medical crap. but in a way, it's actually gettin a little interesting this time. at least it's some new and changing stuff once in a while. not that that is the good part. but that we aren't---- haha "we", don't you feel special.. we're a "we" now.

anyhow-- i guess what i mean is like so many times before i would be ---stuck on one thing, with no answers.. struggling, searching, whining, etc... but now-- damn man... it's just one thing after another. it just kinda seems like i actually do get answers once in a while--- or at least i get thrown a bone now and again.

BUT -- when i do-- something else happens -- immediately after-- that requires more answers. that of course never come fast enough for me.

so i think it just feels like we go in circles. when in reality, i think we have come to the conclusion that i really am just melting. or whatever it is ya do when ya get old and the poor body just has had enough.

here's an example---
lets start with a few recent discoveries ---
such as :

my thyroid gland.
there's a picture for ya-
who knew, right?
i didn't.

there's where it is-
right there in the middle of your throat
lookin like a butterfly.. sorta.

but anyhow, the neuro secretary called friday, and apparently what showed up on my recent cat scan---- rather than any type of fracture-- or trauma-- that they were looking for-- was a enlarged thyroid -which we knew about from the first one- - AND on the 2nd that was done the other day-- he found a cyst. a cyst. WTF?
so, of course i spent half a day on Google trying to find out what that might mean. did i find out? well no. not anything that i could accept anyhow. :))
after hours of only confusing myself-- i just gave up. i don't know a damn thing about thyroids... cysts.. or anything like that.
cysts, nodules, tumors.... they all say different things-- but the one thing they all have in common? ummm... when they include pain, and "other" symptoms -- most likely they are cancer.

how nice.


what DO i know?
i know that my mother had a "thyroid scar and operation"
but i never cared enough to ask why ---or what was so wrong that she needed surgery--
never considered asking if perhaps it was cancer.

so , here's a thought---
any of you folks out there-- just so ya know-
thyroid probs do run in families--
so if a member of your family has had thyroid problems-- especially surgery--
perhaps you should ask why--
just in case YOU end up with probs--you can tell your doctor-
and they will have a direction to go in.

cuz ya know, for me, it's a little too late to ask now.

oh and something else i found out?
labs are not always correct on thyroids--
in fact--- most labs are WRONG.

mine have always showed "good"...
now look--
all this crap i blamed on addisons--
now, i find, it could be thyroid--or a combination of the two.

no wonder i'm a lazy- depressed- non motivated, mess.
just have a look at everything the thyroid AND adrenals are responsible for in the human body-
good lawd
i'm lucky to be on my feet.
not to mention -- under two hundred pounds !

so far that's where we're at with bones and CT'S, and glands, and cysts- etc

so let's move on to what else me and doctor google found shall we?
i know y'all love it when i do that, but this time it sounds, and looks very possible in my case. and not too scary either.

it's about the god awful pain i have been having.
y'all know i am in pain alot anyways-- but since (10-20-08) the embolism and hospital etc...

the new pain has just about made me not even notice my "normal" pain.
except the migraines, there's just no forgettin about those.
like the first several days-- maybe up to five days out of the hospital, the embolism pain continued to be severe,
bad enough to keep me awake , and and hubby too.
it was a writhing, crying, kill me pain.
but on top of that-- a couple days out--- i also got a new pain-
in my arm, neck, shoulder, under my ear, back of my head, part of my chest, and right behind there--in my back. a severe-- gut wrenching pain. that required , doctors, and meds, and tests, and all kindsa stuff-- as you know.
which was totally strange and unexplainable-- even by the docs--
like three doctors.

gp---medicated me for about 3 days---period.
endo-- referred me to ER-- for lower than low blood pressure--
(on this day -- actually, i was not having the mystery pain yet---
this was the day i couldn't walk. literally--- i fell down/got picked up-- like more than 20 times.
i tell ya-- falling in public aint fun-- i think people think you're drunk. or not-- cuz we both looked pretty much more on the helpless side-- than the embarrassed or drunk side.

anyhow-- this is why-and how-- hubby and i had brought the "mystery pain" to the day i was falling down so much. i wouldn't have even been trying to walk---- i would have stayed in bed--- but that day i had the GP appointment--and she sent me to the endo doc.
and obviously-- neither did a damn thing that was helpful.
while i was in freakin addison's crisis. :((
we treated me at home with gatoraide--
because even a endo specialist didn't know what to do in addisons crisis.
even tho we carried a injection --that we didn't know how to use-- in there with us.

at that time i was still in pain on my right side-- embolism pain.
the next day---
more severe pain began.. but i could walk.
we didn't know what the hell to think.
but at this point in time--as of our current time period. like in the now.
the ONLY doctor who has given a damn, or shown a bit of concern for my well being
has been my neuro doc.
he is the one who ordered every xray-- every scan-- etc.
he is the ONLY doc i have that EVER goes out of his field (if/when needed)
to explore
what may be wrong with me. ever since i've been seeing him.

(anyone in DFW area want a good neuro doc? email me for his name :))

so anyhow---
yes i know i got sidetracked. MY AREA OF EXPERTEEEESE :))
i really don't know if my brain damage is reversible...
but i will say this---
several things could be making IT worse

-fybromyalgia="brain fog"
-pulmonary embolism = lack of oxygen to brain"
-thyroid "Probs" = mental confusion.
- there's like 2 more- but i'd have to look em up, and i don't wanna :((

BUT-- to Finally get to my damn point ---
GEESH... (that is, if anyone is still reading :(P

ok-- the falling down, and gettin picked up-
remember- soulman had a broken hand,
with a hard splint-- and i was in a lot of pain-unable to walk-
leaving us quite clumsy--- in attempting to gettin me where i was goin
especially when it was up off the ground. ughh.

so-- check out this picture-- the hi-lighted area is called--


"Brachial Plexus"

yes i know-i never heard of it before either--
but--that is where the excruciating pain has been for the last--
what? - 3 weeks?
at least.
the one on the left shows how low it went better--
and the one on the right shows how high it went better.
and in the back, it shows the frontal pain, and there was pain behind there too--in the scapula - ish.
so-- this is why we think gettin picked up-- pulled on, stretchin my arm up over my head and in weird ways
maybe it just got "ripped" somewhere /somehow.
what i read said this can hurt for weeks to months-
also it is usually a sports injury. hmmm.
but -- it really sounds the most plausible of anything on how and where this could have come on the way it did.

so i will be bringin it up to my next doc i see.
that would be my endo doc.
when i see her for the "thyroid cyst"
i feel like i'm taking a damn transmission to cake baker when i go see her!
basically i end with the same results too.
just not as sweet :))

that is my medical rant-- and update of sorts.
now let's see
what else i can bitch about--

a lot, i'm sure-- but i won't.
this entire blog has become a bitch-athon lately
and even i am gettin tired of it.
i know most of it has to do with -- well, lack of outside stimulation,
i spose. i been damn near bed-ridden for the last four out of five weeks or so.
if i walk out to the mail box it's like a trip to friggin lake fork!
ok , not so much... but it is a big deal.

or maybe it's like driving.. i've driven twice since i been down.
the first time i was pretty scared.
i was still in way to much pain, and shouldn't have drove at all,
but i had no choice that day.
but the other time, was the other day-- i still can't turn my head enough to drive very safely, but it wasn't as scary, and i felt a little free-er.
so i'm gettin there.
i also-- as you now know-- swept my floor that was very close to givin me an stroke at any-time.
AND i just now finished a load of dishes.. y'all know either somethin is real wrong-- or really not wrong when I get excited over cleaning.
i may have overdone it a little today-- but that's alright--
i'm comfortable, at least mentally-- in my home now.
and since it looks like this is where i'm gonna be for a while--

i may as well go for the trade off eh?

which i spose would be --

a little more pain,
for a little more clean?


and, luckily i have a couple friends out there who keep me pretty well entertained through the day lately. i'd be in a rubber room by now if not for them. soulman was off work for like a week or so after i got out of the hospital, and after that he got lots of time off when i had appointments--and i slept a lot etc.
but this past week that i've been awake and upright, and bored out of my skull all day-- it really helps to have my friends to keep me "entertained"-- or occupied..or whatever that would be.

and with that i will set you free.

but first-- you must know that this is the most pain in the ass post i have ever in the history of my blog, posted.
i began and stopped several times last night---
mainly due to-- falling asleep :))
i think i fell asleep on somebody's blog too-
maybe a couple somebody's. :))

and today-- my goshkness.
i have started-stopped-come back to- left- draft saved-
and one time thought i LOST this almost finished whole post cuz i accidentally closed the lid!
but it came back up on restart--- so i was happy it didn't get lost.
then here i am.. and it is now all done.
and you prolly hate me for it.
i didn't mean to leave my entire medical record here for you to read.
i planned on a few "notes"
and a quick rap up.
like that is ever possible with me.

let's just hope that from now on ,
it will be.
cuz i think we're almost done.
and haven't we come a long way this year?
just wait for the annual "wrap - up"

it'll either be a miracle
evidence for a law suit

ya reckon?

i really will shut up now
bye folks

Thursday, November 13, 2008

i can't think when im rushed

my floor-- well several of them.. resemble the one in this room. and it is really buggin the crap outta me. the fact that we still have not replaced our missing broom makes this even worse for me, because it is just not gonna clean itself up, and lookin at is it makin me wanna just beat someones ass. ugh. seriously.
oh... if you happen to be wonderin why, i have trash and chewed up bits of paper all ---alllllllllllllllll---- over my kitchen, office, and part of my livin room floor? well that would be because my dogs are little trash diggers, and sushi seems to like to chew the paper into little pieces and move on to the next big piece.
and, well, in my present condition.. i can't quite crawl around and pick it up-- cuz i surely would have by now. i would have found a way to have it up and gone by now. but we haven't got a new broom, no one has picked the shit up, and i can't.
anybody wanna join me while i have a stroke?

ok movin on
was it yesterday? i had the ct.... i don't even know if i already even said this somewhere, but i had the cat scan yesterday--or whenever-- and also got a copy of the xray report from before.
well... i know nuthin bout the ct results yet. and as for the x-rays??? even with that weirdo hole in my arm... everything seems to be "unremarkable" cept somethin with my elbow-- i forgot the stupid word-- but it was somethin i never even heard. but not serious anyhow. there's not even pain there. then somewhere else it mentioned degenerative somethin or other a couple times--- which is basicaqlly arthritis. so big deal. none of that is causing this much pain. or should i say "that much pain".... cuz thank God-- i am gettin better.

in fact-- i'm gettin "SO" bettter that last night , i went with hubby to drop soulkid off for her "group thing", and he and i went out for dinner. OMG it was so good too. it was the closest i have come to real food in ages. oh fantastic plastic....i love you.

but--- on the drive over there---- it was just like old times. and nope, not in a good way. all bickerin and bitchin. i wish i would have kept my mouth shut. i almost said i wish i woulda stayed home, but that isn't true. i'm glad i went, cuz i have been in soul hell trapped here all these weeks. it's like friggin house arrest or somethin.
soulkid was a true pleasure-- and i let her know just how much i enjoyed her company. but it really was a bad way for me to conduct myself. and i did apologize. but somebody should give me at least a little slack. in over fourteen years, i have never called her so much as a "bad girl". well at least to her face. never. ever have i called her a name.
but-- last night i got pushed to my limits and unfortunately-- i called her a little ass.
oh yes i did.
and i shocked us all.
soulman started to scold me , but he stopped himself.
the child told me --well a few things... but also told me to "shut up'.. which also may have been a first.
but i didn't respond. cuz i was still in shock of callin her an ass. oops.

but anyhow-- aside from that-- it was good to get out.

so------ i'm gonna try again ... and am bein rushed right now

rock on my friends

i hate bein rushed out thedoor

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

is there a doctor in the house? and stuff

well, first of all, ya know i have to start with my cheers and jeers for Veterans Day. Cheers of course to the Vets-- and jeers to the way things have changed -- or not changed for them.
y'all know me and hubby are vets-- so was my mom, dad and sis-- i really could ramble on about how i feel about some things today-- about this day -- but i won't put y'all through that.
let's just say if you or a family member or friend is a veteran .. "Thank you" .

ok.. i better stop now, before i get on my soapbox.

now-- back to the doctor thing--
is there a doctor in the house? i have spent almost the entire day online lookin at med related sites. and google :)) i know.. me and google should get a divorce. i'm just so damn tired of havin all this crap be wrong with me and not know what it is- or why -- or how to fix it. and i pay all these friggin people and they don't help at all. ugh.

the only one who does seem to have half a brain is my neuro doc -- who by the way, my appointment was with him tomorrow-- for the results of the x-rays and pain etc --yes i know i said today -- but i'm senile, and was wrong.. it's tomorrow. but they called today to tell me they canceled the appointment in order to schedule me for a cat scan of my c-spine instead.

ugh... not to mention my head spinning in three hundred MORE different directions. cuz you know the lady on the phone didn't know anything to tell me. like why does he want to see my spine.. neck..head..skull.. etc.... OR-- why does my arm have a hole in it... or even is my arm broken... nothin. only that she'll call with the new appointment time. i hate it when that happens.

so that's what i'll be doin tomorrow

and i reckon that's about all i have to say for now.
time for dinnah...

i'll get around later on..

and sorry-- i lied-- i never did answer the comments -- yet.

Monday, November 10, 2008

i woke up for this seriously, i was sleeping. ugh-

Your result for The Do you know what it's like to be po' Test...

You got 43 Poor Points (57 is the max); The higher your score...the more you're poor..or once were anyway.

The higher you score on this quiz, the more experience you have at being poor. You might not be poor anymore, but you were. I, for one, salute you.

On the other hand if you scored low AND you don't suffer from chronic physical or emotional pain - I think you got off easy. That's right, I said it.

Just for the record I can answer YES to all of the questions.

Take The Do you know what it's like to be po' Test
at HelloQuizzy

Your result for How extremely messed up were your parents in raising you? TEST...

36% instability, 56% abused, 15% spoiled.

You scored 36% instability, 56% abused, 15% spoiled. The following are the consequences of having a high score in any of the areas. Not everything will pertain to you, just perhaps the ones in which you had the highest scores. I'm listing them ALL, though, so you can see what they all mean! You know, the more ammo you can get to back up your parental grudge, the better!

Please note: if you have had traumatic beyond-normal things happen to you during your childhood, please realize this test's reseults most likely WILL NOT APPLY TO YOU. You are a survivor in the true sense of the word, and your experiences are not a true reflection of what this test's intention was to diagnose.

You scored 36% instability. If this number is high, chances are trust is an important thing to you. Your parents probably never agreed on any boundaries, hell, there's a possibility there were no boundaries! Limits were never set, rules changed day to day, Maybe your parents divorced or only one raised you, maybe they took their financial and emotional burdens out on you. Either way, they may have f*^&ed you good!

You scored 56% abused. That really sucks. Even if it's a minimal number, it sucks. And if it's a high number, it sucks even more that I mentioned there are people with low numbers. Abuse comes in many forms, whether it be emotional, physical, or otherwise, and it's truly hard sometimes to find an inner voice growing up when our is always being silenced. People with a history of abuse may have a hard time believing in themselves, may have a low self esteem, and may even search out abusive partners.

You scored 15% spoiled. We all know what this means, not neccesarily a bad thing, but do you know how messed up it can potentially make you? Being spoiled can not only raise children with an unrealistic feeling of entitlement, it ultimately sets them up for failure! If someone always got everything as a child just for breathing, chances are they've attached happiness to objects. And what if life as an adult isn't this way anymore? Think they'll be happy?

So now you have everything you need to sucessfully blame your parents forever!!! Or, you could realize you parents did the best they could do with the sh!tty tools they were given. Either way, chances are you're going to learn from their mistake and be a better parent (whether it be of a child, dog, cat or goldfish) than they were!

So what's it gunna be? Are you going to blame your parents for the rest of your life or are you going to realize they weren't prepared for such a special job as raising you? Either way, you've now got your ammo to make your decision!

Please remember these quizzes are for fun even though this one may hit a specific soft spot. Please rate the quiz on how you felt about the questions & images, NOT your reaction to any repressed childhood memories!!

Thank you for taking this test. If you have any comments or suggestions or spelling mistakes, please please message me so I can hear your valuable feedback! Thanks again! :)

Take How extremely messed up were your parents in raising you? TEST
at HelloQuizzy

Your result for The What Kind of Girl are You Test...


You scored 76 looks, 77 personality, 65 politics, and 65 sex drive!

You are beautiful, have a great personality, know youre politics, and have a high sex drive. You are the girl of any man's dreams. You know what you are doing in bed, you're fairly conservative, and you know how to treat your loved one. Men have been waiting for a girl like you all their lives. You probably know how to make sure that the ones you love are happy. You will make someone a great wife or girlfriend someday, if you haven't already. You're the kind of girl that everyone wants. You're probably fun in a conversation and I'm sure that you are as loveable as you are beautiful. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, make sure you live it to the fullest, and keep being the person that you seem to be.

Don't Forget to Take My Other 2 Tests

The Music (Rock That Is) Test

The One Question Test

Take The What Kind of Girl are You Test
at HelloQuizzy

there ya have it--- half an hour ago i was sleeping peacefully-- risking my life with laptop cord strangulation...yes i know i said i wouldn't be taking the laptop to bed anymore-- BU soulman got a new x-box live game today-- and well-- i just can't stand any of that shit, and wasn't ready for sleep yet- so me and the laptop came to bed to do a little cruisin. well, it wasn't long before i fell asleep.. then the emails started (BING-ING) in.. after about 4 or five of em.. i just took a look-- there was smocha-- harassing me- and threatening me-- to take the tests... so i figured why not- so i did-- just remember-- these thing actually have some some really dumb questions.
but-- it was entertaining-- for a while-- now i am ready to go back to sleep.
i did read your comments earlier-- but-- i am a bad blog pal-- and i did other more dumb things rather than get to your comments-- i will tomorrow-- i promise--- k?

i need to go to sleep-- before i end up in the loony bin
coo-koo ugh-- Loony tunes bah!

g'night peeples