Monday, January 19, 2009
well.. i prolly don't need to tell you this -- but it's not just physical stuff that is pissin me off.
it's a lot of things. things that are out of my control. things i can't fix or change without seeming like a perfect fool. or bitch, for that matter.
i've just been in a funk for days. don't ask me what finally made me cave in. but somethin did. ya'll know -- there really "is always somethin" holding you back, or pushing you forward, dragging you down, or lifting you up. holding your hand, or biting it when you it feed it.
there's usually a "trigger" for me, and i usually can recognize it just before i begin the downward spiral or "an episode" like this. this time, i wasn't prepared. i thought things were getting better, and actually going rather well. til the trigger got tripped/ with no warning. that's when every wall, every structure, every 'thing' came crashing down around me. and it wasn't til yesterday that i even had a hint of it. a not so very subtle hint.
---- holy crap y'all... i just fell asleep! :))
why do people say that when they are writing? "i just fell asleep". they never say it til they wake up. why don't we say. "holy shit i just woke up"!
blogging?! oh shit! i was.... WTH did i say? and where????
luckily, i am in my office, i might have done some sleep cruisin-- but that's just somethin i do sometimes. if i left nonsense on your page, feel free to remove it.
i obviously have no idea what to post about today. can ya tell? i have been looking at some new blogs lately-- some i find linked on other blogs, some i find online searching for other things . regardless... some of this stuff i come across just speaks to me. ya know? i don't mean "speaks to me" - in a crazy way. i mean it just maybe "gets to me" . like a bad tattoo, or even an evil image may emerge in my "sight". and just jumps up and beats me about the head and face, screaming for me to wake the hell up, and move on. saying to me that it's time to stop standing in one place and feeling that i can't move forward and make changes.
because we can all change our character and feelings. --- or so i've heard. i guess that's one thing i have the hardest time with. well, at least being consistent about. believing that i can change. that i can be different. become some semblance of "myself."
i just can't make myself feel that. i try. i get there sometimes. or perhaps i get very close to there. but it goes away. that "me" fades as quickly as "she" appears. i know how that sounded-- i haven't quite lost it all yet.
i am aware of what started this thought process--- all of it really. i'm a little bit smarter about my mental crap than it may seem sometimes. i mean , i have done literally years of research on this shit. and more. i do know. and i do know it wasn't one thing. it has been several things piling up, one after the other. i won't list them here. perhaps i should list them somewhere though. just because it might be a good thing to do. i don't know. maybe because i know i'll forget all of it in about five minutes. but ya know, at this point, it is all so overwhelming i just can't tell ya a clear thought in my head.
yesterday, i worked around the house. a lot. ya prolly couldn't tell by lookin. in fact .. you can't. but i was on my feet for almost all of the day. i noticed ants in my pantry. actually i noticed them the day i got home from iowa. but y'all already know -- 1- i have no memory. 2- i don't eat much.
therefore--- i had good intentions to clean out the pantry for days--- BUT i kept forgetting.
til yesterday. the night before i saw them again.. so i made a note-- to clean that motherfucker out. so i did. lemmee tell ya-- easier said than done. OMG. between that and the fuckin dishes it was literally an all day task. and i mean like 8-10 hours. i last about 15-20 minutes on my feet before the pain begins. real pain. i always hurt to an uncomfortable extent-- but gimmee time-- and it escalates to unbearable throughout the day. exertion as light as sitting straight at a desk or standing up for any length of time-- forget it. i'm screwed. and i was screwed yesterday. even with pain pills, they didn't do a thing. but i worked through it.
i didn't have a lot of dishes either-- i have been washing dishes every day ---and cooking-- since i got back home. i know it's hard to believe but it's true. so i had to unload the dishwasher and wash a some stuff from the fridge-- and of course-- the midnight grazers--- UGH.
but ya know what? and i kid you not---- every single damn time i left the kitchen for any length of time--- say five or ten minutes--- i would go back to find MORE dirty frickin dishes sittin there!!! a few glasses-- plates.. whatever. maybe not a ton-- but enough to just piss me the fuck off.
i finally got the pantry finished. all expired food tossed out--which mind you-- still sits in 2 boxes waiting to go outside----ugh... (ya know-- it doesn't look so bountiful in there once ya get rid of all the old stuff, and crap that has been just stuffed in there?) --so there i am... feelin all proud of myself--- not to mention, ready to cry--or go to the emergency room for my friggin back.. and everything else pain. - when i go to change my bed sheets. i strip my bed.. limping by this time-- and very bitchy --BITCHY i say. (because a particular soul has done very very much of nothing at all while i literally busted my ass constantly).
i walked through the kitchen towards the laundry room with the dirty sheets-- and what do i see?
yup-you guessed it! MORE FUCKIN DIRTY DISHES!!!! can you guess what happened????
you guessed it again. i flipped my damn lid. that's what. i have been bustin my damn ass in this house since i got home on saturday. ok-- sunday. i started workin on sunday. i think. yes i did. do you know how far i have gotten in this house? dishes , cooking, and laundry. THAT is it.
and i do not eat ! i eat dinner. period. WTF. soulkid didn't get home til tuesday. i don't see soulman eat that much -- i honestly do not. what is he ? a stealth eater??? like the fuckin stealth bomber??? both of them??? where the hell do the dishes come from???/ somebody tell me.
every time i turn around there are dishes... and i am pissed.
no wonder i hate dishes y'all.
no wonder i am bitter.
no wonder i tossed them all in the damn trash that time.
this place would not look the way it does--sometimes---if i had some fuckin help.
OMG y'all just don't know how infuriated i am.
being at jamies those few days--- ugh. i was reminded of what my house used to look like. i never had a house look like this....or what my homes have been like for the last how ever long. my sister can vouch for that. even when i was drunk all the time--- my house was clean.
ok-- dishes? not always--- but there were never so many.
how in the hell am i supposed to clean my HOUSE, when i can't get out of the damn kitchen???
i had so many plans for yesterday to get caught up. thinking the pantry AND dishes would take at most-- a couple hours. i'll be damned if it didn't take 8. no shit.8.
and by then.. i was dead.
i wanted-- and really needed to get my bills paid. i wanted to get my office tidied up-- vacuumed etc.
i wanted to start sorting tax receipts.
i never left the kitchen.
i did the pantry-- dishes--and changed my sheets.
oh and on one of my breaks-- i read part of my mothers (deceased btw) medical record.
if you're wondering why-- it was cuz i was looking for a poem she had written. years ago--.
it was quite upsetting.... to say the least. i have had these papers for years. 5-6-7 years. 8 years? i don't even know anymore. but a long time. i never read a word of them. until yesterday.
the kid who lived with her the longest as the "child"--- and got the most of the neglect and abuse-- was mentioned the LEAST in her psyche records. is that ironic or what??? i was invisible even then. i knew she didn't want me there--- but i had no idea... she didn't see me.
well... on that happy note-- i have bills to pay , midnight grazers to clean up after--and other things to do---
typical monday i spose.
oh , no i didn't find the poem she wrote. in a way i'm glad i didn't. the parts i remember of it are enough.
by the way---
i am not gonna be around for a while.
i don't know what a while means this time. but i have a feeling it will be longer than the other breaks i've taken. if not a total eclipse of the soul.
stay happy in your worlds
i'll work on it in mine.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
..at least it's somethin .
(we, us, etc = is all of us out there with "something".. an illness, chronic pain..etc.)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
great-- the mysterious underlining again.
oh goody it stopped. :))
anyways, as i was saying --
charli left a comment on the below post -- if you haven't read her blog, she , like several others of us, lives with a chronic illness. i almost said 'struggles with'. but i'm really gettin kinda tired of that particular phrase. no matter how you want to word it.. you still end up exhausted, but i think i'm beginning to like the term , 'battle chronic illness/pain' -- rather than struggle with it.
perhaps it just sounds less defeating that way. or maybe it's just me.
so. (distracted much?)
as i read what charli had to say, my mind went in ten different directions. of course, when does it not? but, it got a bit long, so i moved it over here. i had written a post earlier this morning; at like 230, but i didn't post it. obviously. i wrote that thing for hours. literally. i bet it would have filled a full chapter in a book. i didn't know a blog post would hold so much. i wrote from 230-something, until after 9 a.m. -- with a maybe half hour or so break in there somewhere. but still. that's a lot of writing. BUT-- when i went back through it ... i kept deleting, or editing, cutting, and pasting. it was a total whirlwind of ..... well. crap. perhaps stuff i needed to write-- and at the same time-- i am glad i had the sense not to post it.
i think that was the first time i have written in a frenzy like that, and even proof-read, much less edited a post. especially to only file it in the end. what a waste of time. mainly of the stuff i deleted and cut out. if i had at least saved those parts-- it would be good notes for my book that i will prolly never write :))
ok-- i'll shut up-- here's some --- stuff to read. :))
You're funny even when you describe tragedy.
People tell me "You look sick" all the time. I hate it.
Somehow though, what I hate more is the "You don't look sick! You look great!" - even though I feel like death. I'm not in the f'ing mood to hear about how cute I look in my new shoes. Does that make me mean?
Anyway. Good post.
charli-- hi again,
i'm sure you do hear that a lot. and i too, get both.
i think it's somethin like -- when "they worry about you " they want you to know they "see it". and they know that you really are sick, and don't feel well.
then other times... usually when you are workin too hard -- or pushin yourself-- usually for "them", and maybe they feel guilty for not 'noticing'..or maybe not helping. perhaps, even for asking of you..that's when the "compliments" come. 'oh you look good'. hmmm, the color is back in your face, you look nice. or, maybe even the ole - ' i know that was hard for you, but you were a trouper today'.
oh then of course there are the days that 'they' just flat out don't want to -- or can't deal with any of it -- an that's when you become 'invisible.' or in my case a lot of the time -- make myself , invisible.
so-- to answer your question charli-- no, it doesn't make you mean. at all. it makes you human. a chronically ill human, who gives too much.. to a world with their 'i can't handle sick people' --- but you're different selves -- there to suck you dry. and to leave you alone when it's your turn to need some help.
but no worries, they'll be back... when you "look better"-- or maybe "you should get out" today.
hmmm... sorry... looks like i'm the mean one today.
stay sweet girlie.
thanks for comin by-
i hope you have a happy day. what's left of it.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
what is it with people? i swear. if i'm not invisible ... i'm in critical condition.
really. that's how i feel. unnoticed. or hovered over.
it happened again this last two days. not one... TWO. ERG.
of course i haven't felt the greatest. but who cares. at least i'm upright , and mobile. i could be on my dead ass in bed... where i would normally be -- a week ago.
maybe "this " is what made me hibernate to start with?? i don't know if i remember exactly-- only that it did have to do with "people". or a people phobia.
but anyhow. i mentioned the day at the mall. that woman all but called 911. at wally hell the cashier stared at me..til i grabbed an energy drink..that she accepted as permission to say maybe that would make me feel better since i "looked like i didn't feel so good".
it happened again yesterday--- i don't remember the details ... but it was soulman. and i responded in a way that i don't know that i ever have -- maybe.. but i don't know. i just said--- i don't want to talk about it. i normally just dump everything in on him when or if he asks if i'm ok. i said nah. just alot goin on right now, and i don't want to get into it. he didn't like my response, i could tell by the look on his face. but i'm learning, i think-- or hope-- that really... it doesn't do much good to just spew crap. especially "my" nonsensical crap to someone. it only makes things worse. it makes no more sense out of my head than it does in my head. i wish i would have realized that a long time ago. but, like i said before----i'm kinda slow.
so anyhow--- moooovin on...
- last night; i spent a looong time makin dinner. somethin i never made before, and everyone was anxious to try it--and eat together at home. etc. i KNEW-- and i knew all day-- that soulkid had to be at her first outpatient group meeting at 6 ish. so we would have to eat at 5. i also told soulman that i would go too, so that he and i could kill time together--and he wouldn't be left hangin bored like he had so many times like before when he'd take her, and i wouldn't go.
all of this was planned. all day. the only thing that worked out???? dinner was actually ready by 5.
BUT--- by this time-- soulkid was in her room with her stereo blastin. soulman was in the other back room with his guitar blastin. and there i was... just UGH. it was like 505 pm. i had totally forgotten about having to be at group at 6--- which meant , hittin the road by 530. if i had half a brain i would have walked to the back of the house and told both of them that dinner was ready-- we'd have eaten ...as planned, and we'd have gone to group. with no incident. but that would only be if i was normal. and i'm not. face it. i'm just not.
what DID happen???
well. all the stuff is ready to serve. i holler to the back for them to come eat. (already having forgotten TOTALLY about taking soulkid to group-- or especially going myself), by now all i 'm thinkin about is sittin down. i didn't even want to eat anymore-- i just wanted to sit somewhere.
so. yep. instead of being human and cordial, and polite.... i got upset. yep. i did.
afterall--- they KNEW dinner was gonna be at five-- i was yellin for them to come eat-- but they were ignoring me. soooo.... i just stood in the kitchen and smoked a cigarette; and with each pause of the guitar, i would holler again. getting angrier by the second. or more insulted. whatever . finally.. after no response from anyone, i went in my office and sat in my chair, and got online, and said screw it. it was 525. and i was just done. let em starve, i thought. they can have cold shit for dinner when their ready--and soulkid is used to wilted salad..hell she's been livin on it for a month- right.
k..so...whaddaya think happens next???
you're right. with your rational , normal minds. you are all right. soulkid comes bee-boppin out -- "are we gonna have time to eat your dinner?" echoed by soulman walkin out of the kitchen after seeing all the food sittin there " why didn't you come get us". and there i am... pissed off and brain dead. "what?!" then i'm reminded of two things-- they can't hear me back there. and we have to go to rehab in like two minutes ; a place i promised to go.
feel like an asshole much????
needless to say-- rehab took priority over dinner-- i felt like a bitch-- they felt like they let me down. and we hit the road. hubby and i spent two hours in a bookstore-- an hour of which we spent over coffee just talking about crap-- which was needed. so i'm not complaining. i did get perturbed later when soulkid hung back in group to "chat" for half an hour with her friends and counselor though. oooh i was tired. and gettin grouchier by the second. but i was good. and i bit my tongue and i didn't yell at anyone. close...but i didn't.
we got home around 930 or so -- dinner got nuked-- the salad got tossed (into the trash i mean)--
and the next thing i remember is gettin yelled at to go to bed. somethin about me already have fallen asleep with my plate in my lap. ugh. it was gone-- so maybe i did. i don't even know if i ate it. (i wasn't bein yelled at in a bad way-- just from a different room). but for some reason, i kept sayin i wasn't sleepin..and he kept sayin i was... when soulkid vouched for him, i finally carried my ass on to bed.
and that my friends, is a day in the life--of one exhausted soul.
i hope y'all have happy days in your worlds today.
i am truly hoping that i spend mine on my ass ... but it is highly unlikely. i'm thinkin jamies energy is contagious. i've been goin non-stop since i got home. it's killin me.
pass the cukes and tea bags for my eyes??
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
so anyhow. wally hell. yes it was hell. i'll tell ya. it wasn't the first time i'd been grocery shopping" in months... but man i swear , it sure as hell felt like it. as far as shopping goes around here... my guess is -- maybe a year-- we've bought the bare minimum at a time. milk, a couple days worth of stuff, or a holiday meal menu of stuff, bread, etc.. you know just the 30-50.00 trips. then we would have dinner out-- and weekends sometimes lunch too. cooking at home had all but ceased . somewhere around something physical with me -- not sure what it was-- i'm thinkin it was when my legs started buggin me, and standing long periods became a problem.
but - anyhow, the last time i talked with soulkid the visit before she got sprung... i told her that she and i were going to start cooking at home (she and i ), and eating at home-- like humans. and she likes that idea. she even smiled.
it's been so long since that girl has looked me in my face--in my eyes, and smiled at me. a true smile. not a crooked sarcastic smile--- or a "you're rediculous" smile. she's happy y'all.
i was very nervous about her coming home, and ww3 taking off right where it ended when she went into rehab. it was so not that way. i didn't know how to act. respond. whatever the word may be. so, i guess i just let it happen. and i liked it. she hugged me! often! and she kissed me too ! a few times ! and she helped me put the groceries away -- with NO alterior motive!!!
my daughter is home.
i have missed her.
she's been gone far longer than this last couple months ya know?
this is the soulkid i haven't seen in two years. i hope she sticks around .
i can't take anymore heartache. i just can't.
she has to make it.
and.. i'm late for a dr appt. so i have to make it too i spose.
i hope y'all are happy out there-
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
apparently, in an earlier statement i left here... which i clearly have since deleted... for obvious reasons...was a bit misinterpreted by several folks as unkind to jamie/ "dear liza". that was not my intention.
the written world here in blogland is often "misheard" , so allow me to clarify a couple of things.
first - when it comes to taking things the wrong way in the written world -- i am the worst one in the history of blogging. i can take the simplest of words and perceive them as a personal attack.
apparently that happened here. and some people understood my "reaction" / comment as anger towards jamie or maybe even a disregard to her home, or hospitality. it was neither, i assure you all.
jamie has a gorgeous home. she says she didn't clean house while i was there so that we could spend time together... what i said about her house truly was a compliment-- meaning that she has an immaculate home... that doesn't need constant attention.
she is a wonderful hostess, and i was very spoiled by her there. she even brought my coffee to me in the morning. she's a great cook, and i can't brag on her enough. i am not used to being a guest in someone's home, and maybe i didn't think about the fact that i should have mentioned all of that when i got back. she even remembered that my favorite candy was peanut butter m-n-m's.. and when i left i hadn't eaten any-- so she let me take the whole bag home.
i don't know how to right what damage i have done, by what i said. it honestly wasn't meant the way that it was "heard".
so.. i guess i can't say any more than that..
except that i have apologized to her for embarrassing her publicly on her page -- through my own white-trashism.
and i also apologize to her kids, and trav.
i had a wonderful time there.
and i thank her for that.
i guess that's enough out of me.
wasn't it just a couple days ago that i was states away from here sittin in my best friends house, feeling at ease, laughing - sarcastically of course - about all the bullshit that life can throw at people. (us, mainly-- cuz most of the time it's just friggin unbelievable for either of us.)
and i'll be damned if if everything didn't go right back to the norm just as quick as the airplane got off the ground. it's just bullshit i say.
i had planned on comin in here and of course bein my sarcastic self - and write some long ass post about the kid gettin sprung from the hoosegow today . she does, but y'all already know--
and yes i'm a nervous wreck. blah-- i'll save it.
i just assume it might end up at some point like a bring your daughter to work day ---
maybe like that poor fellas.
but - like a boy-scout
i am always prepared.
well.. almost always.
i honestly don't know. i know my heart is always in the right place. but my mouth or actions never fail to screw shit up.
so i reckon i am outta heah ---
hoping y'all have the best day possible in your worlds today=
Sunday, January 11, 2009
obviously, i began this post last night-- but it ended up in the draft file-- due to "early have to go to bedism."
can anybody say
"holy crap batman- kill me now" ????
i think i just may die tonight. or very soon thereafter. i am one whooped pup tonight.
i don't even understand how everything that happened today -- could have happened in only one day. of course, MY day, began at 2 somethin in the morning, but still, it was quite a day. for me at least.
it wasn't all "bad" stuff.. it was just "alot" of stuff. and.. it included Dallas..- an hour drive-...soulkid....mall hell..with a capital H... soulMan... and a suspected stolen rental car in Iowa. (y'all know my hate of thievery, thieves, and everything that goes along with it--- not to even mention the fact of ME being the victim. especially when it's possible that it was my own negligence. or stupidity. or senility...that caused it. ughhhhhhh. when i got to this particular point in the day-- i was already wishing i had the fortitude to voice my disdain of bein at the mall..and excuse myself to go lay down in the car. i was sooo frickin tired, and in pain, i couldn't handle it... but i did manage to pull thru-- even after this :
we had picked up soulkid, at rehab at 11:00 am--got to keep her til 5pm this time. (did i say that? sorry if i did.) but anyhow.. first-- we headed to a dallas mall--- ugh. dallas. another favorite of mine. you know. i was at least grateful that it was sunday, traffic was light--for here-- hubby was driving, i laid in the back seat - reading a book - everyone was quite content. we get to the mall-- a nice mall, i'd never been there... but we were stahvin, so we ate first. we did good there-- nobody fought or complained-- and we all actually SPOKE! to each other. not like usual when one of us is an outsider listening. we ALL talked. and it was peaceful, and there were smiles, and even laughs. and the food was good. and i really enjoyed feeling normal for a while. we all did. the weirdest thing? it's beginning to feel "normal" more often.
walking was really a bitch for me for some reason yesterday. and we walked ALOT. they accommodated me, and walked slow-- i know it bothered them, because naturally they walk fast---- oh hell, who am i kidding-- everybody walks fast in comparison to me. i was almost carrying my right leg-- but still biting my tongue... not whining--tellin them i'd catch up etc etc. but they hung back-- and they didn't get upset either. there hasn't been that much peace and calm, and acceptance between any one-- or two even of us in this family in almost two years.. no exaggeration. soulkid didn't drag me away from stuff that I actually wanted to look at. usually i don't get that chance-- i might be lookin at something and she'll come drag me away to see something she wants me to look at--- it gets extremely frustrating. especially when i don't even want to be there. which i never do. :/
anyhow--- she really did need "stuff"-- because we all know where her cash has been going this last many months-- don't we??? "could it be perhaps.... satan"
(that was a SNL church lady quote--in case ya didn't know :))
so, yes we kinda let her splurge a little. BUT , on the good ole fantastic of plastic. mine. one of which -- the only one that had any decent amount of money on -- or so i thought.
we were in one of the stores. the second , i think..maybe third-- but at one of them before-- i had broke down and bought my own self a book... yep-- i know. rare that i buy myself something like that-- well, it wasn't just A book-- it was an expensive book. but i wanted it. i became veruca salt-- and i bought it. theeen.. we were at another store... and i began to think about that particular credit card. it was the same one i put the rental car in iowa/KC on-- plus a $200.00 deposit--that they actually ran, and held. well...i get this "tape runnin thru my head" - of when i returned the car at the airport. and my stomach turned a few circles. i walked over to soulman, and asked:
"do you usually get a receipt when YOU rent a car?"
"YES, why? YOU didn't?!" he immediately knew what was headin his way. -- "did you turn in the keys inside"
--i shake my head---
"did you get closed out?"
"uhhhh, what's that mean?"-- "you know i don't travel alone like this, and i didn't think about any of this til just now." --- scrambling in my no defense havin--defense.
i could see on his face that he was havin the exact same thoughts i was havin. 'someone stole that damn car'..and WE are gonna have to pay for it. POS-or not.
well, holy crap-- i don't think i ever even rented a car by myself. if i did- it was over 20 years ago. i don't know how to do it.
he asked me what exactly happened-- what did i do when i took the car back????
---k. well, i drove up the return aisle. got waved over....
--- he says -- were they wearin "hertz" shirts?
-- well, no, coveralls.. it was freezin.
-- then what?
-- then the guy said he would drive me to my gate- so i wouldn't be late-- and he did.
--- soulman shook his head in -- pre-defeat.
---- i felt very very very very stooopid at that moment. for turning over a car--and keys-- to "someone"--and getting NO proof whatsoever, in return. ugh. talk about nauseated?
= i just walked outside. i had had only one cigarete in about two hours by this time-- i am trying to quit-- but i really needed a cig. that second. i went out, lit a smoke, and called my credit card-- to see if the deposit from the car place had been refunded yet??? it had NOT!
sick stomach, sick stomach, instant migraine. omg.
---- next i called the car place in KC.. i told them my story-and my fear-- she went into the computer--and found the car-- closed out. i was so relieved i wilted. she said it could take 48 hrs for the refund because it got back on a saturday. i didn't care at that point. all i wanted to hear was thhat they HAD the car, and MY name was not on it. i just didn't wanna get sued for a friggin avio. because of my own ignorance. but yep that was a relief. and a huge one.i have no friggin idea what i woulda done-- or had to do-- if that guy drove off with that car. i didn't buy their insurance-- i always-- assume that my own ins covers a rental. i'm not even positive they do. i just hope :)) told ya i fly by the seat of my pants. :o
but worst case scenario?? soulkids first car would be an avio. niiiice. assuming that it was recovered. that was about thirty minutes of my life i'll never see again. not that i want it back-- it was terribly stressful. but a enormous relief in the end.
anyhow-- i met back up with the soul clan-- and we continued to drag our asses--i mean walk the mall.. and shop-- or look in stores. we began to run out of time, nearly an hour drive between us and rehab, and not much more time than that before soulkid had to be back. soooo, she had a bit more money left in her "budget" , so of course she was gonna cash it out before she lost her chance. our last stop was sephora --
after about what felt like a damn month in there-- i felt a grouch alert comin on, and i saw one comin on soulmans face. two old folks can only take so much mall hell in one day. but were ending the day/visit, and so far no one had argued, no one had cried.. everything had been smoothe sailing the whole way through--- and i was not about to screw it up in last hour. no way. everyone of us was trying to damn hard this time to throw it all away. so to keep the peace-- we let her look just a few more minutes-- even with her knowing, she wasn't spending one more nickel.
by this time i was just flat out exhausted and in some extreme pain. my legs mostly . neck and legs. we had been walking for hours, i had to sit- several times; but in sophora-- (they had a table thing, so i sat on it while soulkid was lookin at stuff)-- stuff i didn't plan to buy-- i just wanted to be home - now. not go home...i needed to BE home. i didn't have so much as a asperin with me. i was dying. on the verge of tears even. but i did so good. i really need to stop bitchin about pain. (and shit)--i'll work on that :))
so anyhow, this lil "table" only had a part of it that would hold my ass :)) cuz it had a display of some sort on it too / thhen almost immediately after i sat down, an employee came over -
"are you alright?"
"are you sure?"
"yes, i'm ok, thanks"
she was waaay over concerned. well, that - or i just really must have looked worse than the ole soul clan was lettin on. this woman was actin like i just got up from a seizure or somethin. it was weird. freaky even.
i couldn't get rid of her , she was like a mom hangin over a sick baby.
"can i get you some water???"
i must have looked like i was gonna have a heart attack or something. hell i don't know--obviously i couldn't see myself.
i finally convinced her i was OK. and that hubby and daughter were "right there"
and she left. ugh.
i guess folks just don't want people collapsing in their stores eh? it's all about money i spose. even tho i don't sue people. i figure if i crap out-- it's just cuz i suck-- not the place it happens. :))
anyways.. i don't think i ned to tell you--that was our cue to leave. ---
do i have to tell you that i had no clue how much she was spending? i don't do make-up-- therefore, i don't buy make-up. she handed me crap.. i held it til it was time to pay. i will spare you the horrid final bill, but i will say the kid was thrilled. stoked i say.
me? well, not so much. i nearly had a coronary when i paid it. but-- i did pay it.
she was very happy--- it was nice to see her genuinely happy--naturally happy-- and she was thankful and grateful-- not just for the stuff, but also for the nice day we had as a family. actual peace. i haven't felt that here in a very very long time. none of us have.
i really think things are gonna start to change. if not? well.. i guess we'll just move to --- i almost said alaska-- but hell no--- :))
somewhere far away and warm. but i feel good about this. finally.
maybe the gettin out of here for a few days-- and jamies perspective on things-- really made a difference in how i can look at it now. last week... i coulda walked out and not looked back. at least i thought i could. i don't know how realistic those thoughts were--or if i would have acted on them... but they really were consuming me.
no escaping allowed i guess.
"soul, this is your life; stand up and deal with it"
ugh... i never dreamed that this is where i would be sitting at this stage in my life. but are any of us where we thought we would be? if you are-- i wanna hear it.
i must go. i have much to do-- before my kid gets home tomorrow. that sounds almost weird-- as weird as her calling rehab home. changing it to the place i stay. ugh.
i hope every one of you are safe and healthy and happy-- and your children are the same.
hugs to you all.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
and that just might be sayin somethin considering what i spent about a hundred miles driving on this morning. i don't do ice guys. if you read my earlier post--you know why. it scares the crap outta me. in fact, the stupid little rental car i was driving almost came out from under me just as i was turning out of jamies complex this morning. no shit. i was at a red light in her parking lot-- it turned green...i made a left turn..and whoops there i went-- slidin across the road. i just don't do ice. needless to say .. the 2 and a half hour drive took me like, oh say.. four damn hours. yes. really. it took me so long that jamie called as i walked into the terminal to see if i even got there.
she's used to that stuff--- not me. ice country people drive like the road is dry--- which is terrifying--just so ya know. big rigs would pass me-- on the icy left--fast lane.. i could envision the big ole trailer sliding into my cracker box tinker toy of a "vehicle" - goin 49 mph at the most. they hated me, and i didn't care. i hated them too. cars did it too, but the big rigs were the worst--- just whizzin by. i'm lucky i lived through it. the way i feel, you would think i drove to frickin california. no kiddin. all tensed up--and the car felt like i was sittin on a friggin cinder block. not to mention havin to go out in the freezin cold at like 530 and clear off about 3-4 inches of snow, and scrape ice, and sit in the freezin car til it warmed up-- which took like half an hour. POS avio. NEVER buy one. never even take one as a gift. it's a horrid vehicle. i can't even call it a car. it's a nightmare. but-- i am grateful it did it's job, and got me there safe. can't ask for more i reckon. well--- comfort shouldn't be too much to ask. you'd think.
anyhow--- i do believe that i am cooked. i am so tired i can't even see.
hope you all have happy weekends..
i hope to---
i do have a large hurdle to jump tho
pray i don't break my face on it. :))
isn't that delightful?
y'all know i am not aq snow person. the last time i drove on ice-- it was a total surprise goin over the mountains in santa rosa new mexico on my way home from my moms funeral... i managed ok.. but i lost my ass end of my pickup i couldn't tell you how many times-- and there were two or three fatal accidents i got the pleasure of passing on three hour trip over that mountain that normally would take 45 minutes.
the time before that when i drove on ice-- or an ice storm really -- was in whichita, when soulkid was about 5... in a jeep even... on black ice-- it was actually just moments before the ice storm. i barely touched the brakes, but i was on an overpass... next thing i knew we were spinnin in circles across the two lane (4 lane) highway, a coffee cup between my legs flying out of my lap and spilling all over my jeans--- it was horrible. the next thing i remember was letting go of the wheel and turning around to see if soulkid was ok in the back seet-- first yelling her name. we went sliding down a very steep hill, that at the bottom was a concrete culvert i guess (?) i don't know if that's what it's called.. but there was a creek or stream there-- at the top where the jeep "landed" was a flat concrete "top" -"platform?"-- to the culvert-- we were sooo close to having had rolled down that hill.. or flipping over the edge of that "thing" and into the freezing water. it was so scary. no one up on the hi-way could see us. nobody knew we were down there. within five minutes the ice-rain-snow- whatever-- began comin down..and hard--and fast. i was afraid to take soulkid out in that at all. i was afraid to leave her in the jeep. so i couldn't go up to the road for help. in such a short time visibility was zero. then i got afraid of getting run over if we went up there. i tried and tried to get that damn truck to move-- nothing worked. i was soaking wet and freezing to death. i was too scared to constantly run the heater; from stories i had heard. i didn't own a cell phone. i was in hell. froze over--literally. we had to have been there for two hours-- freezing to death and scared. finally i had to brave the storm. soulman was off work that day and home--asleep-- i bundled up soulkid and we struggled to get ourselves up that icy snow covered hill.. it felt like mt. everest at the time.. it was horrible. as soon as our -- well my-- head pooped up over that hill.. a pickup truck honked for us to get in. it was scary because i couldn't see into the truck.. but 1 more second in that weather would be 1 second too long; so i opened it-- well tried to--it was froze shut-- so they kicked it from the inside--- i sheepishly peeked in, silently praying for a safe ride to a phone.... and it was. it was one lady driving, and she she told u to get in. she only needed to take us like a block or two to the closest pay phone and of course soulman came and rescued us.
but i have to say--- that has been on my mind since about 2:30 a.m when i saw the snow-- and snow plows outside.
and oh gawd -- look at the time-
it's just about time for me to fly. well... crawl apparently. so far from what the news says-- my first hour or so will be pretty bad and snowy-- and scary :((
after that it should be alright-- if i make it that far--- whaaaaaa
anyhow-- so far the flight is on schedule..that's good.
keep yer fingers crossed peeps-
i'l talk to you from HOME
Friday, January 9, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
well folks i finally did it. finally decided i'd let go of some of the stress here and take a break. in just a few short hours-- too short i might add, seein as i am not even close to ready--- i will be on an airplane, headin to jamies' place !!!! yep-- that would be dear liza -- and or simonsays to some of you. always jamie to me . a visit has been needed for both of us for quite a while lately, but time or pain levels wouldn't allow it. well, yesterday , i said screw it. i'm gettin a ticket, and we're gonna have fun for a few days. however much fun a cold and snow whimp can have in iowa in january --- well.. i'll do my best. she promised she wouldn't wouldn't let me freeze to death-- so if i don't come back-- blame her :))
i shall see you folks later on-- sometime.
hope your weeks are happy in your worlds--
i have a good feelin about mine -- finally.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
bought on a whim... in october. which when i came to my senses a couple days later, i was gonna take back and exchange.. remember it? well guess what? i failed to mention, that while trying to find something to wear one day near christmas-- i saw it.. staring at me, unworn, still hanging in my closet. alone and forgotten.
is it really as ugly as i think it is? cuz it's too late to take it back now. i still find it hideous. who taught me how to shop, i wonder.
so anyhow-- i know i said i wasn't gonna post- i think i'll just-- take the pressure off and post if i feel like it. or if i have time. i really accomplished a lot of stuff that i just could not motivate to do, yesterday. i even fished - for a short while. didn't catch anything, but being outside was real nice. but lately-- like the last couple weeks, i waste litterally hours, sittin here trying to write. and that's not how i like to do things. if it comes it comes.. if not-- i aint gonna force it.
i really do need a break, but i need y'all too. so i'm in the middle somewhere. i reckon i'll just be around here and there... eventually i'll be caught up on my life, and my family, and maybe if i'm really lucky, i just might get interesting to read again .
this is our year y'all. so many of us struggled this passed year. really, most of us did. this is our year to regain control, and take our lives back. circumstances are hard to change, and lessons are hard to learn... but the outcome is ultimately up to us. we can't save anyone, we can't change anyone. we can only do the next right thing.
this year, in 2009-- i'm giving up the guilt. i'm giving up the responsibility of others feelings and actions. and i'm gonna stand at the helm again. i have been beat like a mule this passed several months, and nearly gave up. i did give up. but i won't stay in this pit forever. i'm stronger than this. i'm stronger than "circumstances". i'm stronger than woh i've become; letting people bully me. letting sadness take over my spirit. that shit's over...
i won't surrender to this. i can't let it destroy me...or my family any more.
today, i'm gettin of my ass and puttin christmas in a box-- again. and if christmas never comes again, it will be too soon. but lookin at it all just stare at me, makes it worse, and harder to motivate to get it outta here.
things that have happened to and with my family this past while have crippled me in many ways. but i will rise and walk again. i lost many battles this passed year-- but the war is not over yet... so i still have a chance. i also have a lot to stay in the fight for.
ya know what i want to do ? aside from the obvious that is.
some days i honestly think that i just want to sleep-- until i die. just xanax it up ya know. sleep-- wake up-- take pills -- sleep-- and let the cycle continue-- until whatever happens happen.
i know that living with people-- sleeping around the clock will eventually land ya in a hospital-- unless thay are totally neglectful-- and mine is not. but that thought does cross my mind. nice escape tactic eh? well... not really.
alcoholics anonymous says--
"we will not regret the past , nor wish to shut the door on it."
meaning we learn from our mistakes, then we move the hell on, and --do the next right thing.
i have felt that way before. i did accept my past, my now, and whatever came my way. just not this time. not for a long time. but if i had it before-- it has to still be there somewhere, right?
somewhere beneath or behind all the anger, and rage, and self pity . not to mention the guilt and self blame. i let some vortex of negativity eat me alive this past year. then my family for desert.
well, i've had enough. today, i am reclaiming my life. one priority at a time.
i need to wake each day and be glad that i woke up. one day, i won't.
i need to just do what i'm supposed to do, and the rest will fall into place. at least that's what i've heard.
so ayhow-- we get to see soulkid today-- for three whole hours, on a pass. i hope it will be good. we miss her. but we can't beat sobriety into her. she has to want it..she has to live it.. she has to grab on with both hands and learn everything all over again. we can support her, and love her, and be here for her. but her sobriety is her deal. i cannot be responsible for her using-- or staying clean. not anymore than anyone else is responsible for my sobriety.
i can drink anytime i want to-- i just don't want to. well-- i do. but i can't. not if i want a normal life, and a healthy daughter. so-- that's where i'm at today.
just doing the next right thing. whatever it is in front of me. whether it be dishes, takin the christmas shit down. visiting my daughter. staying sober -- one more day. or digging myself out
of these pits i find myself in. i can only do what i can do for me. anybody else-- they can do what they can do for them. but me playing God, well, it's just too much. and he doesn't need a wife-- so, my place is here. not in my head.. not in some far away "happy place", not curled up alone and hiding in bed. not drugging myself to sleep 18 hours a day.
so. i'm gonna get UP and pretend to be alive again. i'm gonna clean house, get some groceries, see my child, tell her i love her, and i'll just go from there.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
i didn't start, or continue this blog to get sympathy or pity from anybody. seems these days -- that's all i get-- or people don't come or if they do they decide they just can't respond to such crap that i spew.
i can't write a decent post anymore. i can't leave a decent comment anywhere anymore either.
i love you guys and all that mushy stuff.
but i have way too much happening here
to have my focus lie in a world
that distracts me from what's most important.
i'm afraid if i don't get back to reality,
and face what's goin on here,
i will continue to fade away.
until my whole world is gone completely.
and that is not how i want to be.
i do expect to come back when life levels out here-- but , i can't be certain that will happen. the leveling, or the coming back. i spose time will tell.
hugs to you all
at least i hope so. it can't be a much worse year. it could be. i just will keep thinkin positive and believe that better things are coming for all of us.
who actually went out and did anything? believe it or not, we did. not anything big; we went to the movies, and saw
and i reckon that's about it.
i've attempted a couple of posts , that now sit in my draft file. unfinished. my brain is just fried i think. too much goin on lately i guess.
i just wanted to wish everyone a happy new year--- i planned on emails or texts-- but i'm a old haggard woman and i must sleep now.
catch y'all later.