Monday, January 19, 2009

famous last words

hey folks-- i think this is just gonna be one of those -- "just write, and see what happens" , type posts. i've been feelin pretty crappy over the last few days. as if you didn't notice. right?
well.. i prolly don't need to tell you this -- but it's not just physical stuff that is pissin me off.
it's a lot of things. things that are out of my control. things i can't fix or change without seeming like a perfect fool. or bitch, for that matter.

i've just been in a funk for days. don't ask me what finally made me cave in. but somethin did. ya'll know -- there really "is always somethin" holding you back, or pushing you forward, dragging you down, or lifting you up. holding your hand, or biting it when you it feed it.

there's usually a "trigger" for me, and i usually can recognize it just before i begin the downward spiral or "an episode" like this. this time, i wasn't prepared. i thought things were getting better, and actually going rather well. til the trigger got tripped/ with no warning. that's when every wall, every structure, every 'thing' came crashing down around me. and it wasn't til yesterday that i even had a hint of it. a not so very subtle hint.

---- holy crap y'all... i just fell asleep! :))
why do people say that when they are writing? "i just fell asleep". they never say it til they wake up. why don't we say. "holy shit i just woke up"!
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blogging?! oh shit! i was.... WTH did i say? and where????

luckily, i am in my office, i might have done some sleep cruisin-- but that's just somethin i do sometimes. if i left nonsense on your page, feel free to remove it.
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i obviously have no idea what to post about today. can ya tell? i have been looking at some new blogs lately-- some i find linked on other blogs, some i find online searching for other things . regardless... some of this stuff i come across just speaks to me. ya know? i don't mean "speaks to me" - in a crazy way. i mean it just maybe "gets to me" . like a bad tattoo, or even an evil image may emerge in my "sight". and just jumps up and beats me about the head and face, screaming for me to wake the hell up, and move on. saying to me that it's time to stop standing in one place and feeling that i can't move forward and make changes.

because we can all change our character and feelings. --- or so i've heard. i guess that's one thing i have the hardest time with. well, at least being consistent about. believing that i can change. that i can be different. become some semblance of "myself."

i just can't make myself feel that. i try. i get there sometimes. or perhaps i get very close to there. but it goes away. that "me" fades as quickly as "she" appears. i know how that sounded-- i haven't quite lost it all yet.

i am aware of what started this thought process--- all of it really. i'm a little bit smarter about my mental crap than it may seem sometimes. i mean , i have done literally years of research on this shit. and more. i do know. and i do know it wasn't one thing. it has been several things piling up, one after the other. i won't list them here. perhaps i should list them somewhere though. just because it might be a good thing to do. i don't know. maybe because i know i'll forget all of it in about five minutes. but ya know, at this point, it is all so overwhelming i just can't tell ya a clear thought in my head.

yesterday, i worked around the house. a lot. ya prolly couldn't tell by lookin. in fact .. you can't. but i was on my feet for almost all of the day. i noticed ants in my pantry. actually i noticed them the day i got home from iowa. but y'all already know -- 1- i have no memory. 2- i don't eat much.
therefore--- i had good intentions to clean out the pantry for days--- BUT i kept forgetting.
til yesterday. the night before i saw them again.. so i made a note-- to clean that motherfucker out. so i did. lemmee tell ya-- easier said than done. OMG. between that and the fuckin dishes it was literally an all day task. and i mean like 8-10 hours. i last about 15-20 minutes on my feet before the pain begins. real pain. i always hurt to an uncomfortable extent-- but gimmee time-- and it escalates to unbearable throughout the day. exertion as light as sitting straight at a desk or standing up for any length of time-- forget it. i'm screwed. and i was screwed yesterday. even with pain pills, they didn't do a thing. but i worked through it.
i didn't have a lot of dishes either-- i have been washing dishes every day ---and cooking-- since i got back home. i know it's hard to believe but it's true. so i had to unload the dishwasher and wash a some stuff from the fridge-- and of course-- the midnight grazers--- UGH.
but ya know what? and i kid you not---- every single damn time i left the kitchen for any length of time--- say five or ten minutes--- i would go back to find MORE dirty frickin dishes sittin there!!! a few glasses-- plates.. whatever. maybe not a ton-- but enough to just piss me the fuck off.
i finally got the pantry finished. all expired food tossed out--which mind you-- still sits in 2 boxes waiting to go outside----ugh... (ya know-- it doesn't look so bountiful in there once ya get rid of all the old stuff, and crap that has been just stuffed in there?) --so there i am... feelin all proud of myself--- not to mention, ready to cry--or go to the emergency room for my friggin back.. and everything else pain. - when i go to change my bed sheets. i strip my bed.. limping by this time-- and very bitchy --BITCHY i say. (because a particular soul has done very very much of nothing at all while i literally busted my ass constantly).
i walked through the kitchen towards the laundry room with the dirty sheets-- and what do i see?
yup-you guessed it! MORE FUCKIN DIRTY DISHES!!!! can you guess what happened????
you guessed it again. i flipped my damn lid. that's what. i have been bustin my damn ass in this house since i got home on saturday. ok-- sunday. i started workin on sunday. i think. yes i did. do you know how far i have gotten in this house? dishes , cooking, and laundry. THAT is it.
and i do not eat ! i eat dinner. period. WTF. soulkid didn't get home til tuesday. i don't see soulman eat that much -- i honestly do not. what is he ? a stealth eater??? like the fuckin stealth bomber??? both of them??? where the hell do the dishes come from???/ somebody tell me.
every time i turn around there are dishes... and i am pissed.

no wonder i hate dishes y'all.
no wonder i am bitter.
no wonder i tossed them all in the damn trash that time.
this place would not look the way it does--sometimes---if i had some fuckin help.
OMG y'all just don't know how infuriated i am.
being at jamies those few days--- ugh. i was reminded of what my house used to look like. i never had a house look like this....or what my homes have been like for the last how ever long. my sister can vouch for that. even when i was drunk all the time--- my house was clean.
ok-- dishes? not always--- but there were never so many.

how in the hell am i supposed to clean my HOUSE, when i can't get out of the damn kitchen???
i had so many plans for yesterday to get caught up. thinking the pantry AND dishes would take at most-- a couple hours. i'll be damned if it didn't take 8. no shit.8.
and by then.. i was dead.

i wanted-- and really needed to get my bills paid. i wanted to get my office tidied up-- vacuumed etc.
i wanted to start sorting tax receipts.

i never left the kitchen.
i did the pantry-- dishes--and changed my sheets.

oh and on one of my breaks-- i read part of my mothers (deceased btw) medical record.
if you're wondering why-- it was cuz i was looking for a poem she had written. years ago--.
it was quite upsetting.... to say the least. i have had these papers for years. 5-6-7 years. 8 years? i don't even know anymore. but a long time. i never read a word of them. until yesterday.
the kid who lived with her the longest as the "child"--- and got the most of the neglect and abuse-- was mentioned the LEAST in her psyche records. is that ironic or what??? i was invisible even then. i knew she didn't want me there--- but i had no idea... she didn't see me.

well... on that happy note-- i have bills to pay , midnight grazers to clean up after--and other things to do---

typical monday i spose.

oh , no i didn't find the poem she wrote. in a way i'm glad i didn't. the parts i remember of it are enough.


by the way---

i am not gonna be around for a while.
i don't know what a while means this time. but i have a feeling it will be longer than the other breaks i've taken. if not a total eclipse of the soul.

later peeps
stay happy in your worlds
i'll work on it in mine.

26 comments:

Golden To Silver Val said...

This brought back some memories for me....not good ones either. I can remember SO MANY TIMES, I would walk in the door from working 8 hours, having been gone 9 hours, to find a husband laying on the couch napping, two kids laying on the floor watching cartoons...the house a mess and the first words out of their mouths were..."what's for dinner, we're hungry". I just would set my purse down and keep on walking right out to the kitchen and start cooking. I had a lot of resentment back then...I felt so used and abused. It wasn't until I realized that I was being used because I was LETTING myself be used. I went into 'bitch' mode and started demanding some help or else no food. When my daughter turned 12, she became a huge help to me and I honestly don't know how I would have held it all together if it hadn't been for her.
I hope you feel better soon and come back to blogging before too long....I really miss you when you're gone. Love and hugs, Charlotte

Anonymous said...

I read those at Carol's once. I thought she was talking of 'the child' within herself. aj

ac said...

Speaking as someone who just washed a sink full of dishes put there by someone other than myself, I can totally relate.

I'm so sorry you are not feeling well. I hope you don't stay away long. I miss you when you don't blog. If you are away more than a week, I'll have to be all up in your email. xoxoxxo ac

Mary said...

You may not believe it, but I can totally understand the anger at being the family slave and the blank "what do you mean" "who Me?" stares when you try to motivate the #*&$@##!!s.

I, too, hope you aren't away for long. I miss you and wonder how you're doing. Today we drove by the lake and I thought about how much I'd like to watch you fish there.

Love to you, my LBF

Smocha said...

ahhh ...it brings back memories of that fateful night when I came home from work(I was the ONLY one working) and saw Roberto and his brother and brothers wife all lounging like slugs ,up in my house . Whilst every dish sat dirty all over the kitchen.

I sat my purse down and began throwing dirty dishes on the floor ,shattering them all. they got off their lazy asses to see what the ruckus was. As i continued my dish breaking I calmly said "If no body wants to wash them ,then by God no body is going to eat out of them either!"

Good times. LOL

I suggest you reduce the amout of dishes you have available. Get it down to where it's either wash 'em or there won't be any.
I have packed yer stuff. you have WAY to much kitchen crap! lol

I hate it when you take blogging breaks:(

I'm going to try and call you before I go. But this time differance makes it hard. So if I don't reach you, don't forget to pick us up!!!

Love me

JLee said...

Soul, I am taking a class on Reiki soon and I would love to use you as a guinea pig! Ok, that didn't sound so good, but when I read your posts, I feel you do need some "soul healing" before your body can heal. It's time you felt good inside AND out. :)

Cheryl said...

I like the idea of getting rid of dishes so there's not so many available to use. I don't get how your family can leave the mess for you. I'd resign, and only clean up after myself. Ditto with cooking. Easier said than done, I know.

Don't be gone any longer than necessary. We'll be waiting.

Angie Weid said...

Sounds like you need a chuckle. Check out my blog post about Gladys. If you don't laugh, you must be dead.

HILARIOUS!!!

WaterLearner said...

Yeah .. at times I do write and do not know where my post is heading.

How long will you be away?

Summer said...

Don't stay away too long because you just KNOW that ac and I will have to come looking for you and you know she had Jimmy Hoffa buried in a few Sanka cans under that back porch of hers and then there was that dead body on the beach thingie a few years ago. So what I'm saying is that you don't neccessarily want ac lurking around your back porch and all. Especially if she's carrying an ax. She only brings me along because I have a bigger trunk and some old shower curtains that I can't bring myself to dump in the garbage. It's that whole going green thing that she MAKES me participate in. Sheesh.

Jamie said...

I hope you are better today---and that you are just taking a computer break.

xo

CRUSTY MOM-E said...

twwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeetssssssss and I'll wait for you to return.
take care of you Soul, please!

xo,
me

Raine said...

You know....... I have found that "good things" can be a trigger for me also. A trip to disneyland for example. Stimulation is stimulation and stimulation is stress. Just food for thought

Golden To Silver Val said...

Just checkin' in Soul-friend. Hope your world is a little brighter today. Keep smilin', Love, Charlotte

WaterLearner said...

Hi Soul,

Just popping by to see how you are doing. Looking forward to your next post.

Meanwhile, be good.

Anonymous said...

Hey Soul

I hope things are improving up there in Soul land.

It's been school holidays here and while I've been running around doing everything my daughters have been lounging around reading books, listening to music and going on the computer. This IS NOT what I signed up for.

Looking forward to seeing you return girlfriend....I miss you.

ac said...

Juat thinking about you this morning and hoping you are doing well. I'm back from the yearly thing I do in January. It was great. Now... it's back to status quo around here until next year when hopefully, I will get to do it again. :) Hope things are going good with you. Hugs. xoxoxoxo ac

EE said...

How are you? I lost my phone, so I no longer have your number. Text me again sometime!!

Golden To Silver Val said...

How's your world doin' Soul? Missing you! Hope you'll be back soon!

Anonymous said...

Hey Soul

Just checking in and making sure you're okay. I hope you are working things out so you can come back bigger and better than ever. I miss you HEAPS xxxx

Raine said...

Hey how bout an update and let us know you are still kicking out there?

desert dirt diva said...

hey soul you are missed , hope all is well in your world....can't wait for yur return!

audrod777 said...

I foooound you! Ok, so I am stupid when it comes to Blogspot. I am ok w/that.
I am just stopping by to say hello. "Hello"!
Hurry your booty up and come back to us.

Anonymous said...

Missing your posts. Hurry and write something! aj

Cloudia said...

Jlee is actually offering you something that can REALLY make a difference. In fact I'm excited about what she's about to discover. REIKI changed my whole friggin life! And you will REALLY get lots out of it if you care to try. Me? Oh I'm nobody. A stranger who saw you on some other blog (Dave King's?) and checked you out. Glad I did. Can relate, belive me; though things have improved immensely since I got REIKI and started self treating everyday (Listening JLee?). No more back pain, really! And my mood? Forget about it! Who knew that I could feel happy? Not me!
. . . Check out my blog for an escape if you want. I'd love to see you in da Comfort Spiral (.blogspot.com)
Aloha, Sistah!

audrod777 said...

Just wanting to pop in and say hello before the work week begins. Hello!