Thursday, October 9, 2008

there's a black rose in texas today

not even gonna think before i say a word.
cuz i have no idea what to say anyhow. it's been that way for quite some time. as most of you have prolly noticed.
at this point in my life i just can't even say what's wrong with me anymore. and i am so tired of guessing, wondering, and waiting for it all to change.
it seems just a few months ago i was doing better physically, mentally, maybe even spiritually, than i had been in literally years.

and then something happened, something changed. maybe a lot changed, but i don't know which came first.

was it the seizure? the first one? the second one? was it problems with soulkid? other relationship problems? or was it just me? things do happen to me sometimes. but i will tell you, this passed at least six months have been horrible for me. mentally i mean. physically, not so great either-- but i can live with that. it's the mental stuff that i cannot handle. i haven't been this bad off mentally --- consistently-- in a very long time.
i went thru a med change after the first seizure in march. i think ever since then i have been in hell. but i can't say that that is why. because a lot of other things changed about then too.

march is my son's death anniversary month. also my daughters birthday month. it's a time i struggle with every year. but it hasn't been a "bad" month in several years. until this year.
i'm not sure, but i think i drank in march of this year. not much-- a couple beers. for those who don't know-- i'm "supposed to be" in recovery. but i'll tell you what-- i'm doin nothin but white knuckling it lately. for months actually. a couple months ago--- i left, we were all having problems here-- i think it may have been before i even knew my kid was using, but i knew other things. i knew she was lying , and sneaking out at night, and i couldn't sleep, and i was depressed, and life was just a bitch. i told her i was going to visit my sister in arkansas--- i told my husband-- i have to go away for a couple days. but i had a plan that neither knew about.
that no one knew about actually. but it didnt work out. the funny thing about that? i -- of my own will power, strength, whatever-- I had nothing to do with the way that night turned out.

i've only told two people of this. one being hubby-- and i only told him like two days ago. before that, he only knew part of it-- the part that i couldn't find a hotel room.. or at least one that i could smoke in.

anyhow-- i'm beginning to think this may have been in july-- because i remember that being a real hard time for me too. regardless--- i left here around noon that day. i had plans to leave earlier-- something held me up--i just dont remember what. but i left-- with absolutely zero idea of where i was headed. (remember, i am bi-polar-- but i have never done this--- unless i went to the cemetary in arkansas -- and each time i've gone there i have managed to stay sober)... anyhow... i thought that i might stay close to home-- at least within 30 miles or so--ish. y'all know i have NO sense of direction. and in my mind... all i wanted was to drink. i wanted to get beyond inebriated. and let nature take its course. MY nature being-- me plus alcohol = extremely suicidal. especially if i already have those thoughts. which i did. and as for a plan to carry it out? of course i had one. or two. i always have a plan. just never the guts. unless i'm drunk. the one time i did attempt it sober-- i was 15 years old. there have been other attempts. i was either "found-- or got help.

so anyways--- i ended up driving around DFW for hours-- like four hours-- before i saw a sign for Waco. for some reason that's where i headed. i had my fishing gear, and remembered there is a lake there-- so that's the direction i went. the entire time, having a six pack of beer in the trunk of my car. this was the first time in my life-- my driving years--- like since 15-- that i had beer in a car-- and did not drink and drive. that in itself was beyond my control... i believe that. i know that in my own power i would have popped it open cold and drank it til it was gone. i would have ended up with a DUI-- or in an accident-- killing or injuring myself or someone else.

during all these hours of driving i had attempted to check into several hotels. i actually did manage to get a room, in waco. even unloaded all my crap from the car--including like 6 fishing rods..and of course the beer. i could taste it.
i was just about to open one-- when i realized there was no ashtray---- i called the office to see if i could smoke--they said no. also there would be a 200.00 fine if i did. i checked the window of course-- but wouldn't ya know it-- it wouldn't open!

so--- i left- what sense does that make??? my plan was to die that night-- but i was worried about a fine. so-- like i said , i left. she said there was a smoking room next door. it was a crappier hotel, but i figured i would check. i drove over there-- and it was CREEPY. dark and scary lookin. so i kept goin.

the next one i stopped at--- there were three guys in the parkin lot standing by a truck just hangin out smokin and drinkin beer. uh uh. i kept goin.
i had no freakin clue what was past waco--or how far i would have to drive to get there. so i headed back towards home. i checked one or two more hotels... they either didn't have smoking rooms-- or they were plain full.--or creepy lookin. i kept goin.

the next thing i knew--- i was thirty miles from home and it was almost ten pm. i still had a hot six pack of beer in my trunk. and i was tired. and sore, i had no pain meds. i havent driven ten hours in years. i didnt even know it was possible for me to do. but there i was. i checked one last hotel. i told myself if they didnt have a room i was goin home. i went in... they had a room, but it was non smoking. i walked out to my car-- got the beer-- sat it on the counter--- and i said to the clerk
"i guess i'm not supposed to drink this, you can give it to someone else". and i left, and i came home.

i don't know why or how things turned out that way. nothing in the world has ever kept me from drinking and driving. before or after "sobriety". which btw-- if i would have stayed sober "this time".. i would be over 17 years without a drink. but it didn't pan out that way for me. i made it to eight.... lost my second son, quit going to meetings-- lasted a short while, and that was that. i don't know how many times i've drank since, but somehow i manage to quit for a few years in between binges, and stop again. but usually not without incident. except the last time. i don't know why i didnt drink more than 2 that day. guilt? fear? all i know is it just didnt taste good.
i don't know.

but i sure am damn thirsty now. my next drink is 90 seconds away. but how in the hell can i get drunk... while my own kid is trying to get clean??? i can't . and i always know that my next drink may also be my last.

my coping skills really suck. i know that. and i know that being so sick and tired on top of being so angry and depressed is only making everything harder for me. so i keep holding on , and waiting for something-- anything to change. but nothing is.

my girl said she's not ready to get clean... then she says she is. and i know that there is not a damn thing i can do to keep her from usin. they sell the shit on the fuckin school bus. of all places. the school bus! yes--- i have been drivin her again since i found out. doesn't mean they don't sell it in the bathroom at school though. i can't chain her up. the kid has to live. i don't know how to do this. i never ever thought that i would be facing this. i don't know if i can. but i have to.

i have felt helpless, and angry, and alone before in my life. but i have never felt like this. when my babies died... it was very different. one was sudden. i woke up and he was dead. the second... was a most excruciating "decision"... late in the pregnancy. it destroyed me , and i have never been the same. but THIS. i swear to God, THIS is eating me alive. and i don't know how much more i can take. she says she is clean, she does get piss tests once or twice a week... she was positive over two weeks ago--but not since.
she is fourteen years old. what the hell? i just dont get it. she wont even tell us how long she's been using. i know it didn't get out of hand until school let out. that;s when things became obvious. she got careless, we found things, we caught her in lies, we could tell she was stoned--even though she denied it when i would ask. yep-- that's how obvious it was... "are you on drugs!?" "ummm no" well of course she's gonna lie.

dammit! if i could go back--- i woulda done something different. i would have acted on my suspicions. i would have used the drug test kits i bought... and never did.
i would have waited outside and busted her sneakin out--or whoever was coming in at night--- but i didnt. maybe i would have called the police--or did a room search much much sooner than i did.
i didn't want to face it. i couldn't. and even when i knew-- i waited way to long to act on it.
i waited until she got caught stealing. twice. and then threatened suicide.

and now-- here i am, knowing that maybe things could be a little different.
maybe if i would have trusted my instincts more--and acted on them... instead of being in denial.... and using the "not my kid" strategy... maybe i could have stopped this before it was full blown addiction.
maybe not.

but now. now what? now what happens to her? me? soulman?

i swear he almost had a heart attack the other night. i thought he was gonna drop dead on the floor. y'all know he's overweight. this is killin him too. and the other night-- he couldn't even hardly breathe. he was just so upset with all of this.

i'm just afraid that one or all of us are gonna just die.
soulkid with drugs
soulman have a heart attack or somethin
and y'all know-- any multitude of things could kill me on any given day. natural or not. of course-- doin myself in i know is not an option. i truly wish it could be. it's nearly a daily thought lately. but i love my family and others way too much to cause that much pain. one thing i'm not-- or at least believe myself to not be-- is selfish. call me anything you want-- but selfish really gets to me. because that's one thing i know that i am not. cuz i really hate the way i feel.... all the way around. and at this point i don't know how to change it. every breath i take is a struggle. i can't stop crying. i can't stop thinking. i can't stop anything. i can't accomplish anything. i really do just want to run away. get away. see something different. do something different. think about something different. feel something different. i can't live like this much longer. i really don't think i can.

i apologize for this post--- i'm mental and i know it. writing is what i do sometimes to just let things out. i could delete this right now-- but i won't do that. because one of these days-- when things are good again... i can look at this and say remember that day you wanted to die?

so anyhow--- i'm praying for you and your kids today---
and i'm praying for those who are strong and fighting to live when their life is good and at its end.
and also for those who's life is suckin and they want nothing more than to die, and can't.
what irony is that?

you see or know people with families who have cancer and they fight and fight to live ...only to be cut short and cheated of a life they love.

and you see or know people who suffer with pain or depression for years and years and for some reason, no matter how much they want it to end their life continues with only short periods of sunshine before they merely live to die again, but can't.

i will never understand it. not in my life or that of people i have known and loved who have died young , loving the life God gave them. never.