Sunday, March 29, 2009

it's 32 degrees in texas , do you know where your life went?

howdy peeps...

thirty two degrees right now outside. whaddabunchacrap! i want to go fishin -- i wanna be normal, i wanna go out to lunch"... :))

ok enough whining--at least for this second, i'm sure i'll have more later.
but y'all know-- i can't be freezin and not bitch . it's just not sposed to get this cold in friggin texas. WTH?

so-- i can't fish today--or yesterday--- what will i do??
one thing is--today we get to see soulkid -- on a pass-- away from rehab. those visits usually do go best. for some reason, she's a little brat attack at the rehab. especially to me. i may have finally figured that part out-- maybe. my guess--- she is uncomfortable there with us, maybe because she is just embarrassed of us seeing her there--seeing the other kids.. the whole thing. kinda like she's feeling judged maybe.

maybe like i feel sometimes at mental hospitals when i have a visitor. seems no matter how much i want to see someone-- i don't want them to see ME. (there). or the other patients. it does feel judgmental. it feels like you are not much different than the other patients-- but a visitor will make a comment or give a look to one of them -- and it's easy to take personal. maybe like -- if you think they are so messed up-- you surely must feel the same about me.

so anyhow-- i better change that subject . just thinkin i see a trend there. nobody wants to be locked up-- and/or compared to someone else like that. and it happens. but they are "our" peers. of course some are worse off than others, sometimes visibly so, and we do feel defensive about them , and ourselves, and the whole situation. we know things about these folks--that our family and friends will never know--or understand. it makes it tough. we feel defensive of them, as if they were us. because in a way-- they are.

but anyhooo--- yes we will see the child today--away from rehab-- in freezing temps-- we were hoping to bring her little dog sushi along and hang at a park somewhere. she misses her. but it's too cold to be anywhere outside today. looks like a mall, and food-- again.
dammit. neither are my favorite place to go on a pass. or at all anymore . i want my kid home. ugh. i just want my life back-- whatever it was... it was better than this. better than lately.

how did i get here, to this place in my life? it seems so surreal. like a dream. like it just can't be me--or my life. i just go through the steps, seemingly in slow motion.

it's unbelievable at times. but it's real. it's me. it's them. it's my reality. it's my life.
a life that i don't know how to handle at the moment.

even the dogs have cracked up.
eevee still hasn't seen a vet for her "lump". and sushi -- well.. she's just sushi-- but worse.
she misses , and looks for soulkid all the time. it's sad actually.

i hear a train..perhaps i should just go stand by it and scream til i can't scream anymore? this life of mine is becoming a movie i think. i've lost all sense of time and direction---and self---and family. i just kinda float around and do what i think i'm sposed to do. but nothing changes. or so it seems. perhaps everything is changing--and that is the problem?

and no. i'm not blind to other peoples problems in their lives. i know i'm not the only one with any one , or many, of the things happening in someone elses life. but i will admit-- it does feel like it - often. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels like "it's just me", sometimes. we all get to a place like this --or similar. we all feel unique . we all feel alone at times. like that " standing in a room full of people and still feeling alone . "

i'd rather be alone-- than feel alone, i think. feelings kick my ass. as do my thoughts. i need a vacation from my self. just when i think i've got it together --it all falls apart again. almost like finishing a huge puzzle--then ya go to move it and it falls to the floor in 1000 pieces again. what do ya do? you either pick it up and put it together again.. or slap it all back in the box and ignore it. i think i do both... i'll pick it up and get it half way done again-- just to leave it on the table---as if someone else will finish it for me.---- knowing it won't happen that way. or , back in the box it goes-- until i find a piece that got forgotten on the floor, and it all comes back. the way it looked whole--the way it looked scattered on the floor. and i wonder-- how do i fix this? can i fix it? or is this just the way it is? pass the "gorilla glue" !

isn't that the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over--anticipating different results? hmmmm. points to ponder.

and another thing----

nahhh i'm just kiddin. no other thing.

i guess i'm just feelin a bit sorry for myself. not without reason. but still. it's not the way i want to live-- or be,. i want to be an example to people. i just don't know how to do that. seems the older i get, the weaker i get. and that is very hard for me.

i need to clean out my closets--dismantle the skeletons, and get rid of them. i need to face my demons, and beat their ass. i need to rise above the ashes as the Phoenix, and be stronger than my problems. be they physical, spiritual, mental, real, or perceived. i need to let go of my past and move on into the future that awaits me.
and not by over-eating, not sleeping, or hiding from life, isolating, or self destructing.

i am supposed to be an example of what God can do. i am a miracle . we all are. my now sober daughter. my now getting healthy husband. my friends out there who pray for others and not only themselves. we are all the same with different stories. all heading in one direction. to better ourselves--to help people unselfishly, asking nothing in return. to be humble, responsible, and respected as who we are. no matter where we came from. (silver spoon- or tin can lid in our mouth).

we have all come together for a reason. not to be lonely. not to hold on to what is gone. but to be there for each other. we all have so much in common, it is scary sometimes. how many of us finish the sentences of others? or say something one second before they say the same thing. how many of us have lived similar lives with similar problems.
so why do i find it so hard to live in that frame of mind? and kn ow that i am not alone---or unique.

why can i never live what i know--- and only live what i think i know. my life is run by feelings and bad memories. i am spiritually damaged. i am conceited, yet damned.
how does that happen??? a person can't and shouldn't be both. it's not possible. but somehow -i do. i find it my normal way of life.

i do believe that i am unselfish-- i give til it hurts, expecting nothing in return... in the next breath-- i am resentful that i get nothing in return. i rebel. i stop giving, talking, caring. i recoil from my loved one as if they were a hot flame. i love real, and i love deep. i love people that have have hurt and deserted me.... sometimes years after the last time i had seen or spoken to them. but that's me. i will try to be who i am supposed to be until i die. but that doesn't erase the fact that i am no better than anyone else. i have hurt and deserted those i love too. self preservation maybe. but what's to say that isn't the reason they did what they did to me.

i even betray myself. my everything. i have forgotten how to live, how to be myself--even who i am, or want to be. i have forgotten how to be true to myself.
perhaps i am selfish. perhaps i try to find myself through others--and when i am let down, i am just let down that --"they didn't complete me."
but , dammit-- it's not their responsibility to save me.

i am lost--and cannot find myself. i'm not the wife i once was, not the mother i once was, not the friend i once was. where did that woman go. will she ever return. and how will that happen?
or am i doomed to who i have become. a stranger to myself and others.

that's it outta me. i am nothin but a ramblin fool today.

i did however get a very full night sleep last night. and ya know what? a dear friend of mine chose ME to talk to during a crisis and broken heart last night. so maybe i'm not such a waste afterall. i just have some work to do. maybe.

anyhow-- maybe i will update later about the soulkid visit. i hope it goes well. i hope the sun comes out and the wind doesn't blow. i hope we all keep our moods and attitudes in check.

and i hope you ALL have happy days in your worlds today...
cuz you know -- i try.

i spose i shall hit my taxes again... someday i'll have em finished--and hopefully before the deadline. ugh.

ps-- no before and after pix like i was plannin on... but my showers now have tile !!!! woo hoo! 24 hours from now they will be grouted and finished. all for a mere 250.00. ugh. but my kid will no longer be allowed in my bedroom.. and that alone could save her little life. i'll post pix of the completed projects.

maybe i'll take pix today with the soul-fam too. depending on what we find to do with ourselves.

later peeps.