Thursday, August 7, 2008

perception? deception? or temporary state of mind?

when you first look at this photo what do you see..or think of?
is she peaceful, lying on the cool grass on a warm day maybe? thinking comforting thoughts of how good she has it. good friends, happy life, happy marriage, happy children, successful fulfilled life?

or how 'bout this one?
nice old couple, maybe married and best friends for the passed forty years.
content together , even on a rickety ole boat out on the freezing water, just being together.
kids surely grown and moved away, with the grandkids even grown , and moved on too.
yet content, and maybe the old couple next door that you watch walk down your quiet street every day hand in hand like clockwork, talking non stop- after all these years.
wondering, if you and your young marriage will weather the storms that you know theirs has,
as you watch the love between them become visible with each look or touch between them.

OR-what if THIS-

is what she saw-- unrealistic, psychedelic bugs , crawling on her skin--maybe even biting-
but only she believed they were butterflies, and it made her seem peaceful?
or maybe she pretended to be peaceful while in public-- while in reality she was confused?
or worse, terrified, but afraid to say anything?

OR- what if-THIS-
happens to be the old folks life behind closed doors?
maybe they walk hand in hand down that quiet street, looking at each other the way they do,
only because any day may be the last for one of them.
perhaps he or she is terminally ill, and though they do love each other,
one could be gone at any moment.
maybe they have no children, grandchildren, or other family;
not only not nearby, but maybe not at all.
maybe they don't have enough food to eat,
or money for medicine to keep the ill one going a little longer?
maybe the time the spend on the rickety old boat on the freezing water , in the freezing rain and temperatures,
is perhaps only in hopes that their feeble ship, and bodies will go down as one.
and their suffering will end together , just as their happiness began so many years before.

how do we know when we are reading the right signals from people?
whether we know them well, or only watch from a distance?
how do we know if we are even sending the right signals to people around us---
or even to ourselves?

for me, i can overlook the in your face type stuff---
and nit pick to death the hidden message-
that may not even be there.
how do ya know which instinct to follow??
when to push for answers when you don't get any?
does letting it go at--
"i don't wanna talk about it"

suffice as
"ok, i respect that", and you leave it alone?
or do you dig for more when you know there's more going on,
but some sort of fear of "something is holding someone back from
simply being open about it??

i'm not trying to confuse anyone-- and i don't want anyone trying to guess at who--if anyone i'm talking about--
it's a general question.
i will say a lot of it does have to do with ME and MY own perception-
of just about everything , and everyone-
and i know y'all already know how messed up that is.
but really.
i am not, and never have been the great communicator -
from me- or to someone else.
maybe in writing...occasionally.
but when it comes to crunch time--
i just can't find the words that i want to.
if i do-- it's hours, days, even months later--
and hell- what good is it then?
if it's about me.. the light bulb may go of and i can make changes if needed.
but if it's about someone else-
i always feel it's just too late-
wasted epiphany-- wasted whatever.
so why bother.
i keep it to myself 9 out of ten times--
and i never know if it still may have helped.
or not.

is any of this making sense?
or did i wake up too early again??

mixture of both maybe?
all i know at this point-
i was up way too late...
BUI-first time in awhile--
no tellin where i was or what kinda fool i made of myself.
just know it was prescribed-- and i try not to get online in that condition :))
sometimes i just do.
hubby saved me from the ole laptop strangulation yet again.
i know he thinks i'm insane-- but he loves me anyways.

i think early early way early on..
i said here somewhere
to know me is to love me..
i think that's a bit true---
cuz if you don't --
you surely gotta run as fast as you can to get away--
i really am --
well, in the words of foster and my blue hue pix...
what a word...

hey-- the week is almost over---
anyone got big weekend plans-- let's hear em!