Monday, March 29, 2010

well, who am i to call the kettle black ?

well, howdaya like me now?

yeh. that's what i thought. first, i gotta come in here yesterday ,and whine like a big baby. then of all things that i crybaby about? i turn around and do it right back. not my intention. i ended up sleepin the whole day long. not sure when i laid down today. 10-11 maybe , but i didn't get back up til maybe i think 7 P.M. yes i know . i'm just worthless. oh sorry. tryin not to whine, and it starts again.
really, i don't mean to get like this. it's gotta be the frekin back stuff. for days i've been crippled. to the point of discussing 'scooters-- vs. segways' with my family. of course, i am not ready for either one, but they do beat the hell out of a wheel chair. at least at this point in my life. i started bawlin like a child in that discussion. as i did when we bought this house, knowing that the stairs would be a problem. soulman, talked then about installing a stair- chair lift thing. i couldn't , and still refuse to face that idea. no way. so, yeh folks. stuff like this, just wears on me. it gets to me. and it depresses me.

i did however get my appointment scheduled for the lumbar steroid injection in my back. unfortunately, it is gonna be for when soulman is out of town next week. so i am hoping it works ok, as i will need a 'driver'. if i wait til soulman is home? it will be weeks.. and i can't be 'like this' that long. i'm fallin apart as it is.

i'm sittin here as it is. realizing that i have been home, for days. on my ass, if not in bed. virtually, a damn invalid. and it's just not fun. it makes me think about -- not bein able to clean the mess that i glare at up - at all. no bending, standing, lifting, no nuthin. or- not bein able to go out on the boat-- i have yet to be on it. well i did sit on it in the driveway one day while soulman worked on. but man, i wanna go out on it-- on the lake and fish. ya know. also - i think- even the pond-- i can't stand and walk to even friggin bank fish right now. not to mention carryin all the rods and tackle to get there.

soulman and soulkid finally made it to the grocery store today -- we were really out of everything. it was sad. and upsetting.

for me, to watch myself over these past maybe 8-10 years go from a totally independent do all - truly really run and do everything from wake up til go to bed... to this -- this thing that i am now? it simply angers me. i'm less than half of who i used to be.

twenty years ago? 'someone' told me "no one is ever gonna marry you - you're too independent".

obviously -- someone did marry me... but not the me i am.. i went from the be all - do all -- to being almost totally dependent . and i can't like it.

anyhow-- i spose i'm at the venting stage of my ' i've fallen and i can't get up' thing--
it'll pass soon.. i'll be back to 'normal' soon.


sorry folks.

ps-- do watch gilbert grape-- it's so good. i think i need to watch it again.