Saturday, December 19, 2009

i don't know where to begin

does that surprise you?
not me.
i never really do 'know' where to begin, i usually just start writing, and if i'm lucky-- something usually turns into an ok post by the time i'm done rambling.

so. if you're ready for a mystery carpet ride-- let's roll. shall we?

i'm not sure when you stumbled in, but for me? it's , at this moment in time, 4:39 a.m.
i wish i could say i just got up. but nope. i been up since 12:45 a.m. just one-a-those things. pain. nothin new. but it sure is gettin to be more frequent. i used to wake up too early for other reasons.. like nightmares, or just plane ole insomnia. the past few months... i wake up in the grips of pain. sometimes i just reach for a pill, and occasionally am able to go back to sleep. but i recently decided (or remembered) that is not the brightest of ideas for me to keep pain, or sleep meds near my bed at night. i never used to.
that was actually one of the few lasting lessons that my mother taught me. even way back before i even took any long term meds, hell i was only like 12 or 14. but she mentioned somethin nonchalantly kinda, aboout how dangerous it can be to leave 'strong meds' near your bed at night. because you could wake up and take one-- then repeat, without realizing it. or take too many without knowing it.
so yeh, when i did begin to take strong meds... that 'voice' went in my head, and told me not to leave my meds by my bed.

and ya know-- that's prolly a bit of advice that has proly done me more than a little bit of good over the years.

so--- what am i gettin at-- if i didn't already say it? bleh. i woke up at like 12:30-12:45 - ish, soulman wasn't in bed yet-- i heard soulkid out here, and my back was frekin killin me. i got up to take a pain pill, and when i came out here, soulkid wanted to talk-- so i did. then soulman, came in (the office) and talked with us a while. next thing i knew--
i had coffee (cuz it helps with the pain meds to ease my pain at times)and the family soon went to bed. and here i was, wide awake -- most likely for the day. if not the better part of it.

so anyhow. anyone wonderin what i've been doin for the last almost four hours?
i'm not sure i could tell ya. i made my list for the day-- well, at least for my outside stuff.. like bank- post office- pharmacy- store- that kinda stuff. then i have to come home and clean... every-thing. the entire house looks like hell ran thru. since when did my to do list become an extreme sport!?

and audrey is coming tomorrow (sunday- not saturday) - to stay for christmas etc. this place looks like crap. not to mention not havin any food in the place-- well, i guess i could say little food-- cuz i did get some the other day on base.

what else have i been doin? ummm, not much. chain smokin of course. lookin at stuff i need to finish wrapping so i can get it ready to mail when the post office opens.
i did a lot of my shoppin online this year. i gotta tell ya-- i am highly disappointed in what i ended up with. i only did this once before-- and that was 2 or 3 years ago-- cuz my body and mind weren't cooperating. i shoulda learned from that time. did i? oh hell no. folks still do it-- and talk of the time and money they save... so i figured that week i was sick, i would get some things out of the way by shoppin online. i will NEVER do it again. even tho i didn't pay dollar store prices--- i swear i bet i might have found better gifts at the dollar store. so anyone who gets a gift they don't like? i really am sorry. picture it in your mind 50 percent bigger, better, faster, stronger-- and that is what it was sposed to be. and never tell me again how great YOUR online shopping experiences are-- cuz i am not that lucky. i get robbed every time.
but-- like i said-- the stuff will be mailed from here-- due to shipping not bein split -- today -- saturday... when and if i get UP and OUTTA heah. hopefully early. i am not lookin forward to crowds of today. y'all know i do not like people. or crowds, or noise.
i am agoraphobic in every sense of the word. i really wish i never had to leave my house or face people. i can't like it-- at all.

i need about four of these to 'haul stuff'

and, for those who don't know-- nope -- i haven't always been this way. i used to be shy-- but still-- i was spontaneous, outgoing, and friendly... and FUN!!!
now? i'd be happier in a cave off a deserted island -- as long as it was warm... and i had a monkey-- or 'something' to talk to. not so much a people tho.

so-- have i rambled enough yet?
i bet i forgot something i was plannin on tellin ya. something maybe more positive?

i could tell ya this much--- i have been really enjoying the company of soulkid lately.
if y'all remember-- a year or two ago-- we barely spoke to each other. hell we barely LOOKED at each other.
thanks to every single one of you who prayed for her-- and for me and soulman too.
some of you may even have been lurkers that i still don't even know about-- but i know-- lurkers pray for peeps too-- we all know that, right?

so thanks folks. your prayers saved my daughter, and our family. don't stop now. k?

and ehem-- donna --- why you thankin me, in the below post?
i must say-- we -- the soul-clan-- thank YOU too !

and all the other active duty--and vets -- who did and do their part -- for all of us in this country- and others.

and ya know what? a special thanks to those who want to serve and have reasons beyond their control, that won't allow them to join.
(my brother would have gave his right arm to be in the ARMY. his 'problems" wouldn't allow that. and it broke his heart, almost all of his adult life for it.)

ok-- shuttin my mouth--umm fingers now.

happy -- oh so close to christmas --- today in your worlds---
get up--and get er done peeps-