Saturday, March 14, 2009

help i've fallen and i can't get up!

holy hell guys--

i think i fell into some kind of never-ending vortex, and landed into someone elses life!
or not. it's still all too familiar here. nothing changes nothing ends.

we were supposed to get soulkid on a five hour pass today--- that aint gonna happen now. we got a call last night from her counselor--- she told us that the girl didn't earn all her points that are required for the week. she is only lacking five points-- but no exceptions. she decided that it would be ok to slack off-- and back-talk one of the employees. so now it cost her. finallllleeeeeee--- consequences that will stick. bad thing? WE suffer too. i wanted to see my kid. oh well. it's about time she learn some respect for others.

sooooo--- what will we be doing instead? it's a workin day. the guy to repair our shower tile will be here monday. i don't know why i thought he was comin today-- but thank GOD he isn't. this place is a disaster area. even though i have been trying to get it cleaned up. i can only do so much in a day---which is actually only a few hours. i have been extra busy lately.

i reckon that will change too tho- as i was discharged from my group thing yesterday. what a terrible day for that to come to an end too. well, i wasn't totally discharged. it was supposed to be my last day--- but because of my---ummm... state of mind? -- the counselor offered to extend me the two days that i missed and let me go on mon and wed next week. well... i thought that might be a good idea--at first. until someone opened her damn mouth and said one of the things on the-- "you should never say this" to someone who has " . .?.. " list. to me. after she knew alot of what was goin on with me, she said it anyhow.
what happened? well, among other things-- like tellin her exactly how i felt about her comment..i decided-- i am outtah there. i'll take the discharge thanks. obviously, i've got all i'll get out of it anyhow. too bad tho-- i was improving-- til yesterday. wtf happened? ERG.

anyways, it was a terrible day. i knew--and everyone who knows me, (in the real world-or the virtual world) - knew i would crash if i didn't start sleeping. and the night before? none. again.

so...i didn't really start sleeping--cept like one night a couple days before--and i did crash.. and i crashed hard. i even mentioned to my counselor (before all the drama) that it wouldn't surprise me to end up back in in-patient. but- i suppose i am "safe", but may not have been if i would have changed only one or two words in talking to her. (safe meaning by not bein locked up).

why? cuz another lady in there--spilled her guts too--- in a way that anyone that has ever dealt with shrinks-- and hospitals--knows that if you don't want to get locked up-- you just don't say. they came and took her away-- to the funny farm. i feel bad for her. but she will be where she needs to be for a while. usually only a few days-- and it really does help-- if you let it.
but she said she had gotten drunk, beat up her separated - soon to be ex hubby---AND wanted her sleeping pills that were confiscated by her mom.
no she isn't a kid-- she's older than me--- but she wanted them to o.d. with.
i asked her-- well couldn't she just give you a couple every day-- i'm sure she doesn't want you to not be sleeping.
she said i don't want only a couple!!!
the counselor gets in there with the "risk" questions-- and the lady flat out said she had a plan and wanted her damn pills to carry it out.
--- well... from experience-- my own-- (and that i've heard)
i know that if you really want to--you can back-peddle your way out of gettin locked up sometimes---- unless or until you say
"i'm just TIRED".
for some reason... that seems to be the clincher in gettin put in-patient. (unwillingly). the counselor made a call-- fifteen minutes later-- someone came to put her in the hospital. yup--the quack ward.

so anyways-- where was i?? who the hell knows anymore. not i.

i know i can tell ya that i have failed yet again at another attempt-- one of my few best i might add-- at quitting smokin.
i am back to two-plus- packs a day. from less than half on the chantix. damn the man. damn his chantix too. i'm hearing more and more bad things about that med makin people go off their rocker. but for me.. i don't think that was the only thing-- but i do know-- it played a huge role. never again. chantix is the devil.

i don't even chew much of the nic-gum anymore. not seriously. i'll chew it if i need to pass an amount of time without a cig-- but i don't even try to not smoke lately.

oh-- ok, i know where i was goin. i was talkin in group yesterday-- and not doin well, i might add. it was a shittttttay mornin. so i'm just blabbin away-- not to mention cryin like a slobberin cry baby. ugh. if i hate anything it's crying. and if i hate anything more-- it's cryin in front of someone like a baby. (no-- i didn't sob, and blubber-- but the tears owned me.)
so of course--- due to the topic of my discussion... and the tears-- which the counselor knows don't come for me, unless i feel really bad. she decides to suggest i go back in the hospital!!
ummmm, NO. even tho i did suggest it a possibility in the near future. (well, hell, it fell out of my mouth..i didn't mean to say it--and i aint goin back in)

my life is a mess. i know i'm not the only one who has some of these problems. but i will admit, i feel like i am the only one who understands a lot of it.
i also know how it is that some other people just don't get it. and that's ok.
oh hell. i'm tryin to think--or write too fast--- and i don't even know what i'm sayin. but you know what i mean. right?

well.. i have stuff to do-- so i need to go try to get my shit together. that should be fun. not.
maybe i'll just go on a cleaning frenzy and forget the world. ya, we all know how well that works, right?

yesterday-- btw-- was also strange in the sense that--
1- i went to a coin machine to shed myself of 50 pounds of change---
know the total?
33.30 -- yup for real.

2. some canned tea-- a twelve pack. know the price?
3.33! i wasn't gonna get it, but i couldn't resist! :))

there was another three three three-- but i forgot.

but as for my morning trying to get out of the house--already running late?
1- the cat puked on the couch...
2- the dog shat on the floor
3- just so happens-- i drank 3 cups of coffee!

happy days peeps---