Tuesday, February 16, 2010

have some more - k? twofer tuesday -

well, you could try and shut me up-- but it prolly wouldn't do ya any good. cuz guess what? here i am, right up in your face. again.
ya know why? cuz just as i predicted in my first post of the day -- i got home from droppin the child off at school, and after actually a few slightly productive to-do's, i am here, on my arse; where i most likely will remain for the rest of the day. unless per-chance i may be lucky enough to get a burst of energy. i simply don't see that happening tho. not today. maybe not even tomorrow.
would you believe it tho-- the sun is out, and whilst driving home from school, the thought of goin fishin actually crossed my mind. just the thought guys. but hey-- that's progress. it's a very small step in the very right direction. considering it was a mere 39 degrees at the time. and not only am i allergic to leavin the house-- i am even more allergic to cold. so hey-- gimmee a couple days-- when the forecast is 60 degrees -- and let's see what happens. there just might be a small miracle in my world. hmmmm.

so. anyhow-- you may be wondering why i decided to post a second time in such a short period eh? well, you see, i was sifting through some files etc on my computer. i happened across a little 'story'. it's really a part of an email i had written to someone recently-- and i saved it to my files -- well this part of it. the reason i saved it is --- as some of you know-- i have been planning-- and have actually attempted, several times, to author a book. one time my computer crashed -- i lost over two hundred pages of this book-- with no back-up. it took years before i attempted to write it again. and i haven't got near as close to that point again. but-- i'm gettin pretty close to knucklin down and gettin serious again. so much so---- i bought a new computer yesterday. hey-- hubby got a boat--- i get somethin too right? that is what i chose for myself. it won't be here for a couple weeks-- but luckily -- i have enough work and cleanin up to do to make room for it that the time is actually needed. so , i can wait.

anyhow-- gawd, i blab a lot. seems a book should fly right outta me eh?

so. back to what i WAS sayin---
i came across this partial email--- and i decided that some of you may want to see it.
just some tid bits you may or may not know--- about the "Soul story"

february, 2, 2010

where the name 'soul' came from :

it started with 'soulmange' - a very long time ago - which happens to remain my email address.

when i lost jacob. i had a dog named midnight. (you may or may not remember her-- but i had that dog longer than any person, or any-thing- ever.) well, cept for soulman-- and he was only a close second. :))

well- when we lost the baby "Jacob"-- my dog got mange. severe mange. she almost died from it. her litter of ten pups did have to be put to sleep because of it. i just didn't know she had it-- she didn't show signs for months- so it made it hard to know what happened to her.
so, that- and misdiagnosis made it hard to know.
by the time she got the right diagnosis- and medication? i was literally minutes away from asking one of staceys friends to take her out and shoot her. the poor dog did nothing-- except shrivel up to skin and bones, go bald, scratch constantly, cry, and bleed. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was breaking my already broken heart.
the day i was going to ask this guy to shoot her-- i saw my shrink--- who suggested i get a second opinion first.
so i did.
she got a proper diagnosis-- some God given meds, shampoos, vitamins, etc.
i swear to you - within a week-- she had a thin but beautiful coat of hair coming in, she wasn't crying or scratching, she was gaining weight- and eating. she was coming back to life. God gave me my dog-- my soul-mate back. she was on the verge of death. and she lived another -- 10+ years :)) (she did have bouts with breakouts- and flea allergies- but we knew what to do to help her.)
God knew i couldn't lose her. not then.

midnight- 2004 - ish

anyhow-- one day- back then - i was looking at her-- she was still really sick at this time--
she was sitting in the middle of the street in front of our house- i was sitting on our deck.
i could sense it that she was as miserable as i was-- and i thought to myself that she was sitting there-- in the road-- just hoping that she would be run over. she hated living that way.

it was then then i thought-- i know how ya feel my friend--- i have mange too. my soul has mange. i want to die too.

that was when i chose the name 'soulmange.'

and when i decided to put her out of her misery.
and me out of mine as well.

she was healed-- with my help of course-- of her mange---
and i was soon after-- admitted -- into my first mental hospital.
after no other option-- i walked -- crying uncontrollably into my shrinks office-- helpless- and hopeless-- with no where else to turn-- and told her-- i didn't know what else to do-- other than die. she couldn't let me leave like that-- she called my husband- then the hospital-- i was admitted-- my husband was beside himself-

i had finally lost my mind.


about twelve years later i had this blog--- and i had folks who liked the stuff i had to say on there--- and i had moments of light in my dark soul ---- and mind--- and i learned to laugh-- and trust (a little)-- and folks didn't like to call me 'soulmange.'
because they didn't see me that way.
they didn't see me as a dark , disturbed, sad person.
at least not all the time.
i made people laugh.
i had a positive side.-- and that side seemed to 'come out' more and more'-
i had a helpful side- that cared about people-- genuinely. many times-- more about them than myself.

they didn't want to call me-- or think of me as having 'mange' -

so--- i became
(my blog was re-titled as well- with a little help from my friends :))
it went from - "queen earlene's finest" TO :

"Soul Survivor"


now i'm brezz.

cuz i had a mental attack after christmas.
and i hurt a lot of these folks feelings, cuz i got paranoid, and thought everyone turned against me.
and that's because i spose i'm soulmange , once again.
so no more soul

just "Brezz"
(a story all it's its own)

wanna hear something positive ?

for YEARS i have had the title for 'my book' that i may never write---
and i was driving home this morning from droppin 'soulkid' off at school--
and i thought of a brand new title for said book!!!!!

you DO know what that means don't you????

it means----
i need to start diggin up all my 'notes, and unfinished crap on this here 'book' we speak of---
cuz it just might get wrote after-all.
title being?
(well, a secret for now-- cuz i don't wanna curse it. that happens a lot in my world as you know. well, cuz i am me. )

the end-- well of the email-

back to today---

oh-- that 'me'? is SOUL -- again
and NO-- i'm not schitzo -- just had a bit of an identity crisis for a while.
i may not know how i feel sometimes-- but i always know who i am.
not sure which is worse sometimes. (i kid)

also-- side note--- i have been diggin thru notes and files etc. i see a book on the way.
it's gonna happen. and i am also gonna take some classes at the college next semester-- when i don't freeze to death walking from the car :))

see? step by step--- i'm gonna leave my house if it kills me. and it might.. but it'll happen.

i'm gonna fish
and go to school
and get a life
and write my book
and i'm gonna get out of this funk i'm in
and life will be good again
if only the sun would shine. what a shitty long winter it's been.

happy tuesday peoples-
happy every day :))

tuesday fail post

i just spent literally an hour on a post. where is it? don't ask me. floatin in blog space somewhere. i hit publish post -- then i get a message that i need to log in. WTF? so. i log in. i get a message sayin somethin like , oh hell i don't even remember now. but it wouldn't accept my log in info. even tho-- i know it was correct. can we say ERG !!!!

so. gone like the melted snow, is my blog post that i spent an hour whining. ummm, i mean writing. and no-- only the first paragraph of said post ended up saved to draft. and it's not worth working off of. really. you didn't wanna hear it anyways.

so. i shall start anew , with what i can cram into the mere 10 or 15 minutes i have left before taking my child to school.

what might that be? hellifiknow. let's ust go with it and see what falls out of these fat fingers of mine. shall we?

k. well. it was a dark and stormy night... oh wait.. that's someone elses story. sorry. i get so confused sometimes. bleh.
ok. where was i? oh i could tell you about my give-a-shit-ometer --
yeh-- it's stuck again.

on LOW

that's like runnin on empty all the time i guess. which i reckon, yeh, i'm pretty used to by now. so it's all good. well, as good as it gets-- for now, anyhow.
that would be-- for me. cuz i am me. afterall.

so. next on our menu? that would be. my trip to the shrink yesterday. epic fail. between that, and valentines day? i'd say tie. yeh. either of the two were a tossup for lockup. (i need to remember that one-- but i know i'll forget it. 'tossup for lockup. :)) not bad.
anyhow. yep- it was a scheduled appointment-- i mean i didn't go in on an emergency basis or anything-- but really-- one little slip up-- and i coulda ended up in patient-- it wouldn't be the first time. gotta be careful whatchya say in there at times like these. so. long story short-- i couldn't contain myself and ended up cryin like a baby as soon as i opened my mouth to reply to the simple question of "how have you been?'

umm how bout "caught in hanger " !!!

so. howdoyathink that went? oh trust me-- coulda been worse. much worse. she very well coulda locked me up if i woulda slipped up just once. but i was careful with my words-- but we did talk meds. i have been takin them, so the only thing that could have me this off-- is they ust aren't workin anymore. i have had no changes in quite some time. so she added some, raised a couple.. and i left with my fingers crossed. she's been my shrink for goin on ten years. she knows me inside and out- and we work together on med issues etc. not many dr's let their patients help with medicine issues etc. i like her.
so- with that-- we'll see how it goes. hopefully good.
or better at least.

welp-- folks--- i have run out of time-- i could write more when i get back but really i have got to at least begin to catch up on my life that has set on the shelf for the last week. this house looks like hell ran thru-- i look like the devil ran over me, and if nothin else - i really need a haircut. will i actually accomplish a damn thing?
prolly not. this will be my first day with the house to myself in several days-- and i may just sit here like the vegetable that i am and do nothing.

we shall see

but i must go-

have happy days in your worlds
i'm tryin