Thursday, January 15, 2009

if i hear "you look like you don't feel good"

one more time... i am gonna shoot myself---or others.
good lawd.
what is it with people? i swear. if i'm not invisible ... i'm in critical condition.
really. that's how i feel. unnoticed. or hovered over.
it happened again this last two days. not one... TWO. ERG.

of course i haven't felt the greatest. but who cares. at least i'm upright , and mobile. i could be on my dead ass in bed... where i would normally be -- a week ago.
maybe "this " is what made me hibernate to start with?? i don't know if i remember exactly-- only that it did have to do with "people". or a people phobia.
but anyhow. i mentioned the day at the mall. that woman all but called 911. at wally hell the cashier stared at me..til i grabbed an energy drink..that she accepted as permission to say maybe that would make me feel better since i "looked like i didn't feel so good".

it happened again yesterday--- i don't remember the details ... but it was soulman. and i responded in a way that i don't know that i ever have -- maybe.. but i don't know. i just said--- i don't want to talk about it. i normally just dump everything in on him when or if he asks if i'm ok. i said nah. just alot goin on right now, and i don't want to get into it. he didn't like my response, i could tell by the look on his face. but i'm learning, i think-- or hope-- that really... it doesn't do much good to just spew crap. especially "my" nonsensical crap to someone. it only makes things worse. it makes no more sense out of my head than it does in my head. i wish i would have realized that a long time ago. but, like i said before----i'm kinda slow.

so anyhow--- moooovin on...
last night. good grief. i swear to everything that is holy-- my memory is shot. no more senile. i am serious. i remember nothing. and honestly-- i think like a ten year old at times. (if not always). here's a couple recent examples:

- last night; i spent a looong time makin dinner. somethin i never made before, and everyone was anxious to try it--and eat together at home. etc. i KNEW-- and i knew all day-- that soulkid had to be at her first outpatient group meeting at 6 ish. so we would have to eat at 5. i also told soulman that i would go too, so that he and i could kill time together--and he wouldn't be left hangin bored like he had so many times like before when he'd take her, and i wouldn't go.
all of this was planned. all day. the only thing that worked out???? dinner was actually ready by 5.
BUT--- by this time-- soulkid was in her room with her stereo blastin. soulman was in the other back room with his guitar blastin. and there i was... just UGH. it was like 505 pm. i had totally forgotten about having to be at group at 6--- which meant , hittin the road by 530. if i had half a brain i would have walked to the back of the house and told both of them that dinner was ready-- we'd have eaten planned, and we'd have gone to group. with no incident. but that would only be if i was normal. and i'm not. face it. i'm just not.

what DID happen???
well. all the stuff is ready to serve. i holler to the back for them to come eat. (already having forgotten TOTALLY about taking soulkid to group-- or especially going myself), by now all i 'm thinkin about is sittin down. i didn't even want to eat anymore-- i just wanted to sit somewhere.
so. yep. instead of being human and cordial, and polite.... i got upset. yep. i did.
afterall--- they KNEW dinner was gonna be at five-- i was yellin for them to come eat-- but they were ignoring me. soooo.... i just stood in the kitchen and smoked a cigarette; and with each pause of the guitar, i would holler again. getting angrier by the second. or more insulted. whatever . finally.. after no response from anyone, i went in my office and sat in my chair, and got online, and said screw it. it was 525. and i was just done. let em starve, i thought. they can have cold shit for dinner when their ready--and soulkid is used to wilted salad..hell she's been livin on it for a month- right. think happens next???
you're right. with your rational , normal minds. you are all right. soulkid comes bee-boppin out -- "are we gonna have time to eat your dinner?" echoed by soulman walkin out of the kitchen after seeing all the food sittin there " why didn't you come get us". and there i am... pissed off and brain dead. "what?!" then i'm reminded of two things-- they can't hear me back there. and we have to go to rehab in like two minutes ; a place i promised to go.

feel like an asshole much????

needless to say-- rehab took priority over dinner-- i felt like a bitch-- they felt like they let me down. and we hit the road. hubby and i spent two hours in a bookstore-- an hour of which we spent over coffee just talking about crap-- which was needed. so i'm not complaining. i did get perturbed later when soulkid hung back in group to "chat" for half an hour with her friends and counselor though. oooh i was tired. and gettin grouchier by the second. but i was good. and i bit my tongue and i didn't yell at anyone. close...but i didn't.

we got home around 930 or so -- dinner got nuked-- the salad got tossed (into the trash i mean)--
and the next thing i remember is gettin yelled at to go to bed. somethin about me already have fallen asleep with my plate in my lap. ugh. it was gone-- so maybe i did. i don't even know if i ate it. (i wasn't bein yelled at in a bad way-- just from a different room). but for some reason, i kept sayin i wasn't sleepin..and he kept sayin i was... when soulkid vouched for him, i finally carried my ass on to bed.

and that my friends, is a day in the life--of one exhausted soul.

i hope y'all have happy days in your worlds today.

i am truly hoping that i spend mine on my ass ... but it is highly unlikely. i'm thinkin jamies energy is contagious. i've been goin non-stop since i got home. it's killin me.

pass the cukes and tea bags for my eyes??