Saturday, February 2, 2008

"ore vuas"

(late entry--- there's a sidenote in the comment box.. just so ya know)

Hi folks—

I don’t know what to write again. It seems posting is becoming quite a chore lately. I don’t like it when that happens. This isn’t the first time. It probably won’t be the last. It’s just that I am just out of stuff to say. Well, it seems that way til I start typing, then as usual, you can’t shut me up.

But, well, it’s not just here on the blog it seems. I don’t care much to talk in person..(not that there are many people I actually talk to anyhow).. I don’t even answer emails lately—much less write them.

I am at such a bittersweet time in my life right now- that I don’t even know how to explain it. I don’t know if I should even try. But y’all know I will. (try, at least).

I know that something has changed in me lately. I can’t pinpoint it exactly. But I feel like I am , if not there already—I am headed there fast—right back to where I was a few years ago. And that was not a good “place”.

I know that certain things have made me happy these past few months--- but I also know that other things have damn near devastated me. I’m back to fighting battles in my mind, I’m back to trying to be someone I used to be—even though I know that isn’t who I am anymore. or who i will ever be again. The person I am… is a person I don’t want to be. But I don’t know if I can stop it this time.

A year ago—I would have completely “got it’. a year ago—everything was as it had been for many years. But now—in the past several months—so much has changed. On the surface—and inside of me.. Spiritually, emotionally, I have felt stronger mentally even. I have met wonderful people on this blog. People that I truly care about.

Thing is---- I don’t know how much of it—or how much of anything matters much anymore.

It doesn’t seem to make a difference how much a person matters to me, how much I care about them, or how they feel or what they go through. I still don’t know how to be the person I want to be. The friend I want to be. Not even the wife or mother I want to be. need to be---should be.

I haven’t changed. I haven’t become some new person. I haven’t healed any old wounds. they still hang gaping, bleeding-- i only learned to hide them better.

I will never be who I once was—or should I say—the person I THOUGHT I once was.--I will never be who I want to be.. and I guess i have never been who I thought I was-- or was becoming in these pages here.

Maybe that’s why I deleted most of this blog. cuz it was all crap. Not lies. Just crap. Too damn much crap. Too much information. Too much information to be used against me.

“Soul”. Ya right. “soul survivor” even a bigger joke.

I’m still soulmange. I’ll always be soulmange.

A survivor doesn’t run. A survivor doesn’t hide from life. A survivor doesn’t risk everything they have in life…. Time and time again…. Looking for a way out.

I’m no survivor. I’m a prisoner. A jester. I am a woman with many masks..and I wear them well.

I hold my heart in my hand for all to see though. And that is my main problem.

I say the wrong thing… way too often.

i misunderstand people- and situations , way too often.

I do too much—or not enough—even more often.

If y’all haven’t noticed—I just don’t do people well. I don’t really hate people like I say I do. I just hate what people make me feel. I don’t know if that will ever change.

So—perhaps selfishly—I need to take a break from this blogging thing. I can’t stand the thought of hurting people that I care about. And Lord knows.. I can’t take being hurt anymore.

I hope this is just a thing… ya know. A thing that will pass… and I will get back on track . but I don’t know what will happen from here. Or how quickly or slowly.

But if I don’t fix what I’ve already messed up—there may be no turning back.

I hope you all get through the struggles you are facing now. I know some will take a long time. My heart is always with each of you.

(As for my little quote—in the upper right corner—

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt. "

(Author Unknown)

I suppose I haven’t got that far yet. i hope the rest of you have-- or will.

Take care of you and yours… you know I will try-