ch-ch-ch-changes

what's new peeps?  that's what i was asking myself earlier today, whilst i was dying from boredom .  the boost of steroids etc must have kicked in, because the last couple of days i have been feeling a lot more energy.  but then again, the pain i have from the rhizotomy -etc- prevents me from doin anything with it.  today was a rough day to be in my own skin.  if it wasn't so hellish outside with the traffic and the stores and all that i may have actually gone out and done something.  i did think about it a lot- but sure didn't go anywhere.  instead i sat on my ass and watched a tv marathon of 'criminal minds' with my daughter.  :))  -- remember when it was 'law and order SVU?' around here?. lawdy we'd watch those shows for hours together.  now we're hooked on criminal minds.  i bet we watched at least 5 or 6 episodes today . there are more still recording  :))

 my body aches just from sitting.  i feel awful for it... (mentally) - but at least i have made it the last two days without sleeping the day away.  no naps in two days.  for me, that's an accomplishment lately.  i have been so lethargic , it seems all i have done is sleep.  i can't say i have been very productive, in these couple of days, but i have been awake.  i hope the pain dissipates some, and the energy continues to increase.  in that order.  i need that in my life.  very soon.  with physical improvement - i'm sure i will feel better mentally and emotionally too.  at this point - all i do is breath, and hope that the rest just falls into place.  surprisingly enough, it does.  but i will admit -- it isn't very satisfying.  when life is a chore... well, it kinda begins to suck after a while.  ya know?

anyhow-- in my lazy alertness this afternoon  :))  i managed to actually 'make my rounds'.  it has been ages since i have hit every page on my blogroll in one sitting.  i am so very far behind with y'all.  i'm sorry for that.  i know y'all are sick of hearin that outta me by now.  but i have some serious guilt over it.  that and my not posting here as much as i used to -- or would like to.  i really just don't have much to say or write about.  i don't DO anything anymore.  writing about the same ole stuff gets old.  even for me.  i get sick of hearin myself .  so most days i say nothing. 

that was one thing i noticed though while i was reading blogs today.  there were several that seemed to have a common theme.  one that I mention a lot.  i thought it was just me.  all this time, i thought it was just me feeling this way... but most of the people that i felt were leaving me/ or had left me -- are feeling the same lonliness now.  the same dwindling thoughts.  the same drifting visitors.  the same emptiness or perhaps lacking, in the whole 'then' vs 'now' blogging experience.  maybe i could call them the first five.. the soul six??  :))   i don't know.  it is a handfull of folks that way back when we were on each others blogs every single day.  i honestly do not know what happened.  and for a long time, like i said i thought it was just me.  but today , most of these same people said so many similar things. 
 i have to admit that i was pretty surprised to see that they have these same feelings.  some mentioned wanting to stop blogging.  or maybe taking a break. you know, "having lost the passion" i spose. that's my term, not theirs. it just now came to me as i'm writing.  that's it i think. maybe that's what happened to me.  whenever it happened, it happened... i lost my 'true-passion' for this blog.  obviously, the embers still burn, and every now and again it flares up and rages from the ashes.  but in my heart there is something missing.

could it just be age?  the holidays- and the hum drum feelings that sometimes come with them.??
maybe i'll never know what's happened.  not with my blog (s) -- or theirs.  perhaps some line of loyalty maybe got crossed?  someones pride got hurt?  but i'm still here.  i still love these people.  through gritted teeth and a hurt heart in a couple cases-- but if i didn't care about them, i wouldn't think of them so often.  would i?  things change - people change- health changes- entire life  situations change.  i get that.  do they?  each one of the folks i speak of had had extraordinary experiences in this last year or two.  many not good, all very challenging.  many with outcomes to be thankful for.  yet i see pain and loss in their posts -- at thanksgiving. 

i guess i just want to say to them-- if i am - or was any part of this -- for you -- just remember -- you know where i live.  the door is always open. 

so when i ask what's new?  i started to think -- almost a year!  and i'm gonna start this one off right.  no guilt. no resentments. no loose ends.  no kinks in my relationships.  i'm too old for games, and nonsense.  i will not BE my diagnoses.  i will learn to live again.  i am done playing the victim, and i will survive, and i will find myself again.  i will conquer my fucking stairs, and keep my house clean, and decorated.  more action, less complaining. (did you know 'fucking ' is on spellcheck? - me either- til now)  

so-- if douglass can get his claws ripped out along with his 'somethins' in a day .. and be fine a few days later?  i think i can do this. 

it's time for change around here -- and obviously the first step starts with me.  slowly but surely -- it has already started.  but there are bigger things to come.

i hope y'all stick around with me.  cuz i'm gonna make a come-back. 

winter , i know, isn't a good time for me to set goals -- but who knows?  it may turn out to be the best timing ever!  i never tried anything aside from hiding in the winter for the last 2 decades.  anything can happen - right?


guten  nachen to you from me
sleep well