Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Don't let the limp fool ya

ok. so. i have no idea where to start this thing.  we went to Galveston for the weekend.  i attempted to pen blog.. as we had no internet -- .  i had my iphone -- which may have allowed me to post -- but i can't remember now if it was my failing vision, or a technical issue that wouldn't let me post on it.  but i did try.  when i did have internet access the dumb IPAD, for whatever stupid reason refuses to let me post pix on my blog.  these little issues frustrate me right into a frenzy.  i'm too old for this.  electronics are supposed to make life easier.  i'm tellin ya-- for the cost, they sure should!  they do not.

we went down there for a 'timeshare upgrade' meeting.  call me forrest gump' - i had no idea that it was gonna be like a car trade in type thing.  -stupid is as stupid does-  ugh.  yeh. they wanted us to trade in our cabin time share .. which i love actually, for one of their condo types.  it would have been a good deal IF that was what we wanted -- which included going about 20,000 further in debt... while ours is deeded bought and paid for.  of course we said no .   i really can't even fathom the thought of paying that much for a timeshare in the first place.  much less when ya add the equity of our own, and their so called cash offer on top of that.  holy cow.  they must be insane.  but oh well. it's a business.

we did enjoy ourselves tho.  soulkid brought her boyfriend , and it was a nice litttle trip.

 here's a couple pix you've mostly all prolly seen -
on the beach in Galveston

"the rats are workin , turnin those wheels"

 so anyways, i have really been wantin to get back into blogging.  i feel very disconnected from y'all.  i feel disconnected from the world really. but i am inchin my way back. i see you.

i mentioned here a lil bit back that i was goin off my anti depressants.  wow.  what a friggin ride.  and not a fun one.  most of the physical side effects are gone now.  they lasted for several weeks.  they were severe, and at times near debilitating. 
i have been on one anti depressant or another -- sometimes more than one at a time -- for over sixteen years.  to me that is absolutely crazy.  almost malpractice or abuse - neglect even -- , thinking now - with a somewhat cleared head.  yeh, i think i needed them when i was initially prescribed them.  i know they saved my life at the time.  but now?  OMG-- other times?  i think they did more harm than good.  i think they really did a lot of damage to my mind and my soul.

i saw my shrink last week , and she was about to put me on another one -- an anti depressant.  because i had told her that i didn't take the 'Effexor" - OR the "Viibryd" -- that i was Supposed to be taking.  -- which meant i was on NO anti depressant.  she then wrote a RX for -- i think she said 'Luvox", but i'm not sure , because i haven't taken it.  i did fill the prescription.  -- just in case.  but i have not taken it.  'how is my anxiety' - you ask?  ugh.  well, i do have PTSD.. you know.  i have a major anxiety/panic disorder, and it can get pretty bad at times.  i have been trying very very hard to keep the stress down, but that is difficult.  but hey-- i'm trying.  and this is new to me.

in this last 12 months this dr. has had me on - or prescribed --

?--somethin i can't remember--
prozac - quit workin -- ... i prolly had a bad day... oh gosh-- an emotion  :((
celexa -- this stuff nearly killed me .. for real.. it took a long time to know this.
prozac --  pretty sure i went back on prozac -- i think i just was worn down from summer trips/
effexor - a panic attack from hell caused some issues --leading to a med change -- and i got this
 viibryd -- then this -- that i did not take -
luvox -- then this -- that i did not take --

i had severe withdrawals from the celexa as well as the effexor - .  it was around march when i went off of the celexa and back on the prozac.

then there was a med change - screw-up after the summer vacations -- and i had a big addissons problem then too.  i got really sick.  did i get hurt around that time?  seems like i got hurt.  i can't even remember.
yup still have memory problems... but they're getttin better -- a little bit.  -- ahh yes -- march -- the tub.  owie.

things are gonna get better.  i been prayin a lot.  a lot a lot.  so that means that things are gonna get better. 

so -- like i said -- don't let the limp fool ya .. things aren't always what they look like
so --- what do y'all think --- don't you think you'd be a little confused at times too?  sometimes i think the woman is just trying to get a kickback from the med company or somethin.  i really don't know.  i used to literally trust her with my life.  now i do not trust her at all.  i am trying to talk myself into gettin a new shrink.  i do need the xanax prescribed -.  so. hmmmm.  things that make ya go 'hmmmm'

so --  as my mind and body filter out all the anti depressant poison after all these years...  a lot is becoming more clear to me.  a lot of it i can't really just put here on these pages, but maybe another time i can, or will.  but i can say this much -- those damned meds sure can control and change a person.
 did y'all hear that part?   those friggin meds really can AND DO control, and change a person.   many times without them even noticing.

i have lost years of my life due to these meds.  and what they have done to me.  and what i have let them let people do to me. or worse -- what they have caused me to do to people....
 it's really too bad that so much has gone wrong with me physically along the way.  it would be nice to have found all this out and be in better physical condition.  ya know what i mean?  cuz there's not a lot i can really do now -- i'm still a mess.

i don't know what to do with myself right now.
 mentally... i feel ok.  i don't feel crazy - mental- depressed -- none of that kinda stuff.  i have to wonder how much of that was medically induced.
like i said -- i am dealing with a lot of anxiety - but that's why i have xanax - it helps.
physically-- pain is a bitch -- we know that.

i'm just takin things one step at a time... all i know at this point is -- a stagnant pond begins to stink after awhile.