Sunday, October 19, 2008

i need to change my name to MORON

no, really. i found my very very first baby picture. it proves it. too bad i didn't find it twenty years ago. then i might not have been in such a quarrel with myself all these years. you know, thinking that i only DO stupid thing sometimes. i would have known that sometimes i'm just smarter than i'm sposed to be. thennnnn, i coulda lived the way i was sposed to. in peace and bliss of stupidity. rather than being so down on myself for being a moron -- i would have just known that i was normal, and just being what i was sposed to be. a moron.
ugh. see what i mean. i wouldn't have to explain my "moron-ality" --- i could just BE my moron-ality.
and life would be good.

so. henceforth-----
i am moron
and here is the proof

you know you still love me.
even though it is a bit hard to admit at times.
i'm cool with that.

so anyhow... i have no clue what time i started this post-- but when i hit "post" it will me-us. but i do know it is 12:49 now. and i know at least a coupla hours have passed. i wasn't necessarily doing nothing... i just wasn't doing what i was sposed to be doing. know what i mean?
i had finally got all my bills-- late-and current, all in one place---and within arms reach even... with all intent to get busy and actually get them paid.

BUT, wouldn't ya know it? as soon, as i was about to sit my self down.. in a comfortable place to get started----- soulman decided that that moment would be a good time for a talk. so, of course, i put him first, and went in the living room to see what he needed to talk about.
it was quite the discussion. but -- all i will say about it is... from what he told me about the happenings of last night..and her 3 friends who were here-- 1 girl, her, and 2 boys. not only was i glad i missed it while i slept.. but things are changin around here. the girls woke up a while after i had heard about the evenings happenings-- and he called them out here-- i guess to kind of "apologize--but not--ya know? maybe more to explain himself, and just make sure that they understood and were ok with what happened.... ok-- like, him yelling at the boys and throwing them out at 1 am. ehem. (he knew they were here--- but thought they had left-- so there was a bit of deception, and that is what soulman was pissed about. but anyhow---- i swear to you-- two weeks ago--- they would STILL be screaming at each other... no apology--- no i was wrong --- from either side. and they would prolly not speak for days. i'm just so surprised at the understanding between them, and the peacefulness from both , this morning when they talked about it. it may sound like nothin to y'all --- but hey-- you don't live here-- so you don't really know-- what a difference a day makes. this one day at a time stuff might really be workin.
i'm still glad i missed it. :))

so. in other soul news----

not what i was gonna say-- but i just got up for coffee, and noticed my friggin 100.00 battery cord is fraying / separating at the computer end and that kinda shit really pisses me off. you'd think by now, the damn computer people woulda figured how to prevent that problem. this is a replacement cord already--- (for hubbys old laptop--that used to be mine-- that did the same damn thing.-- and i have heard of other people getting new cords for the same reason too. so wth??? figure it out laptop people. gawd. or, could it be perhaps, that they know it's a problem, and just don't want to fix it-- because it's a quick way to make 100 bucks off innocent laptop users. i bet that's it. yep. a conspiracy. they're all out to get me. i mean us.
i'm kiddin around. (with the paranoid part)
ok.. let's move on.

i had all kindsa dumb stuff i was gonna write about-- with some stupid stolen pics to go with it-- when i started this thing--- the first time. but i think i am gonna talk about something a little less assinine.

don't worry-- it's not anything mental, or terrible or anything like that. it's just a little something
that happened.. well, didn't really happen, but something, well.. lemmee just say it's about me and my kid..and it was yesterday.

ha. now i feel like "Rainman" .. soon as i wrote that.. i stopped for a couple minutes..and i just noticed, here i was just lookin around the room... duh. see what i mean? moron.

so anyhow y'all already know i canceled my day yesterday due to lack of sleep.

i'm not really afraid of clowns, but it seems like a good excuse-- for now. :))
but ya-- i slept yesterday all - the- way- away.
except for a little while a couple times... once before i even went to sleep-- and once to eat-- and another for somethin else-- other than that-- i slept the whole day--and night--and don't even know when i woke up today--- but as you can see-- i don't think it was long enough to repair my mind . i still can't focus.

so anyways--
back to what i was saying.... me and my child. talking. hubby worked late-- i guess. oh hell, maybe not-- cuz i was thinkin maybe she came home from school at 4-- but yesterday was saturday ! sooo--- she came home from her friends house. i remember now--- she called for a ride-- but i had taken a couple xanax-- cuz i was so tired i was stupid, and i still couldn't get to sleep. so i had to tell her i couldn't drive, and her dad wasn't home from the guitar show yet--- so she had the kids dad drive her home. now i got it. geesh. see-- sometimes i can put shit together if i have a minute. sometimes not.
so anyways. it was a little late in the afternoon, i hadn't been to sleep since thursday night. i was really really more out of it than i realized.. but she pointed it out a couple times.. she kept laughing at me, and i was being all serious-- or so i thought. she knew i took sleep meds-- but before yesterday she didn't know exactly what i took... until she asked "what are you on??"" LOL not in a bad way-- she was just talkin about how funny one of her friends mom gets after she takes her sleep meds, and wondered if it was the same.... it's not.
but anyhow--- let's move back to where we're sposed to be , shall we?

ok---- she came in.. and i called her into my room... i had something to give to her-- this "something" had been on my mind for many hours... only in a different way than i had ever thought of it in the few years that i have been holding it for her.

so---- as you can see--- alot like the way i write-- i am the same when i talk...sometimes... rather than just blurt something out, that has a history--- i go ahead and tell the history first--then go into my own little preamble-- before actually getting to the point---- sometimes, it turns out good. sometimes i get that "look", like it took you twenty minutes to say THAT?

but with her--- i think it could not have gone any better. even with me bein a little on the silly side may have been ok for the "setting".

but-- i won't make you endure much more of my preamble on this story. this time. i will try my best to keep it short--as i can. at least.

ok.. there we were --- what i was going to give her was a ring. one that up until the day before, i had never even realized had a very similar look to one that i have too. one that i have had for a very long time. the one that was for her--- also had meaning --- more-so, now, than ever before. and had also been in my family for many years.

when i told her "the story" of these rings--- it was not meant to be sad. but i could not get it out without crying. but they were "sentimental " tears. and she knew that. i confirmed it when we were done-- i wanted her to know that i wasn't sad, and i didn't want her to be. just that i love her-- and so do her other family members. just because she doesn't see them often, they do love her. kids don't know that. ya know. i grew up not seeing my relatives very often, and it really is a kinda outta sight outta mind thing when you're young. or a they hate me thing.
so-- that worked out well.

see? i'm babbling. i'm sorry. back to the rings.... once there were two-- then there was one-- then there was two again. and i didn't know it til the other day-- and i had to take some time to explain all these stories that kind of intertwined with each other. but-- like i said-- i'm trying--really--to keep this short with you--
so for you-- here is how the rings go--

1- my ring--- was exactly like ring 2... which belonged to my sister (Smocha). both these rings had been the same each of us... there was a very slight difference in the rings.. they were like twins. this was back in 1988- sometime. at that time in our lives-- diamonds and gold was something that neither of us really had. if it ever did belong to us, by that point in our lives-- it had been sold or lost in a pawn shop. we would never let those rings go tho. i guess in a way-- it was a sisterhood kinda thing. i don't know. so anyways... move ahead, several months. to march 1989. my infant son died. at his funeral, without much thought on my part, i took my ring off my finger, and i placed it inside his diaper. so a little part of me could be with him forever...ya know? i don't know. it's just how i am. i'm a sentimental fool.

2- so, ring 2.. yep. smochas ring. you know how she got it, and what it meant to her. and now with a story behind mine-- maybe it meant a little more. not sure, cuz we never really mentioned it.
but, my birthday was in april.. still is in fact.. but that april, a month after i buried my son-- with the ring twin. i had gone out for lunch with my mom and sister. after we had finished eating... then comes the cards n stuff. my sis, reached across the table with her hand in a loose fist-- as if to put something in my hand. when i put my hand out to take it---- she dropped her twin ring, into my hand.. saying... "now you both have one".
that is the point i began to cry yesterday with my kid, and wouldn't ya know-- there it is again.
i do forget a lot of stuff.. that is one moment in my life i will never forget. i really think that might be the most selfless thing that anyone has ever done for me in my life.

ok.. i'm goin on again.. so now let's go to

3- ring number 3. this ring had a story too. but i didn't know the whole story until recently. very very recently. it used to belong to my cousin. it was given to her by her parents, when she was like five years old. i can still remember her wearing it.
well. my cousin died several years ago. she was a beautiful girl too. just gorgeous. after her death, i didn't hear the full story behind how it happened. i heard it was accidental. since then i have pretty much left it at that. well. come to find out, she had struggled with addiction for a few years, until it finally took her life.
when i heard that. i understood fully why i hadn't heard the full story. but man. it sure hit close to home. ya know? my kid gettin a hold of somethin, or takin too much of somethin... every day i think of that, and it kills me over and over again.
so far, we're lucky. she's still with us, and she still hasn't used ... three weeks? but ya know.. i know the strength of addiction.. i've seen it and i've lived it. i've succeeded and i've failed with it.
people i love--in and out of my family have died from addiction. people can say that it's a choice, all they want to. but, i'm on the side that agree that it is a disease... how can it not be a disease, when so many in one family can be affected by it. ugh... i'm rambling. shut me up and let's get to the point shall we. dammit.

so-- here's how it went with my kid. i told her of her cousin. she knew as much as i did-- i told her the rest-- she was surprised and saddened.. and this was a cousin whom she'd never met. she would have liked her though. but... the reality i think hit her hard.

next, i reminded her of the ring. she knew i had it. but she'd only seen it once, and it's been so long ago--i really don't even think she remembered i had it.

after i gave her that ring. i put my ring in her hand... pointed out the similarities..and told her the story of ring #1.

i won't drag it out anymore. but she immediately put her cousins ring on her pinky finger-- and yep-- it fits!
and i put my "twin ring" on my finger.
and just so ya know-- the last time i wore that ring was in 1990. a whole nuther story. but it has had a long life in a jewelry box..after having replaced a diamond-- lost in a drunken idiot moment.

i told her-- there's nothing that will stop you from using if you want to use. but there is also no way that you can take another pill, and not see that ring, and remember how you may end up. it CAN happen to you.

and the rest i will leave where it is.

soulkid ring

the twin ring-
along with a wedding band -
smocha also gave me-
because my own falls off
and i have to wear it on a chain.
so i decided to wear it TOO
i do too love you!)

now. i really gotta pay my damn bills. the day is already gone. i'm hungry and there aint no food here. ugh.
we are goin to SAMS club tonight tho. we will finally have food to eat. we have supported the restaurant industry for at least the last 6 months, and it really has to stop.
even the poor dogs are out of food. they had rice for dinner last night.

someone come be my live in aide for a while and help me get out of this mess i'm in. i will pay well. :))

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today !
i might--if i get busy and actually pay my bills.