Saturday, September 11, 2010

so. here we stand. perhaps, here I stand.

sho is - i'm done.
that is prolly more likely.  that I stand here.  alone.  as usual.  rather than 'here we stand'. yeh, i know - some come by, though not as many as used to.  hey. no big deal. it happens to all of us now and then. right? .  but hey- don't get me wrong-- i played my part in this too. i know it sometimes sounds like i blame the world for my having 'lost' a few friends- readers- here.  nah.  i don't.  not in every case.  but yep.  there's a couple that are so so SO - in the forefront of my mind, that it just pains  me to not write the 'full story (S) of them right here.   i really sense that they know who they are and what they have done.  and even if it sounds mental to you -- i even think they -- know how i feel about the thing  they do that makes me feel like i do - and do it anyhow.  and still have the nerve to 'face me'. one of them, i have told - face to face- AND online, more than once.. how i feel about this... yet to this day she blatently continues to do it.  so- nope - that is a  conscious thought ... no paranoia there. perhaps, it's even a a dagger - for some unkown reason. so i do wonder-- if any of you are alert enough-- that you have even noticed it.  cuz most of you read the same pages i do.  anyhow-- all i will say about it -- is you saw it here first. word for word these folks have plagiarized me- be it one liners, simple words, or full ideas for an entire post for their blogs.  mainly two-- but i've seen it elsewhere as well.

do i want to give them credit for causing me to leave blogland?  oh hell no.  i won't give them credit for anything other than being brainless, unoriginal , thoughtless, scum.  who can't think for themselves.  the gall of one of them? this person has a copyright at the top of her page-- all original?  my ass.  she now has 'stolen a style' of another of my -- real' friends-- and boy she is lovin the attention that's gettin her.  it only makes me want to vomit.  i hope she is happy ridin the skirt tails of others' talent.  good luck to both of you-- and i do know you know who i'm talkin about. - at least the ones who do it should.

anyhow-- no.  no one takes any credit for the end of soul survivor -- aside from the fact that, i am tired. 
 i am in a battle with my world, my body and my mind.  seems i have gone full circle from when i began this blog almost 4 years ago. 
agoraphobic.  sick. alone. and not trusting anyone.
and ya know what?  y'all brought me here.    except a select few.  i hope to God you know who you are!  you should-- because we have had recent contact- and you KNOW i love and trust you.  other than that?
i am soooo done with this thing.  all of it.
my heart is back where it belongs.  my mind is back where it belongs.  and neither are here -- vulnerable-- laid out-- to be taken for your own selfish purposes.

oh and just so ya know-- the next time i see one of you using MY words.. you plagiaristic - unimaginative, so called friends - sigh-- of mine??  i promise to expose you and show folks that you have no creativity of your own.  that you not only steal from me-- but others as well.
i suggest you get to thinkin on your own.  if that's possible.
and .. mrs. copyright- originality? take that crap down.  lest it bite YOU in the ass.

i love you all.  yeh.  i do.  even the ones who wronged me. 
the ones who didn't - don't lose contact -- i know you know who ya are.

oh hell -- look- it's friggin 9-11.  what a day to blow up soulland.  or would that be 'implode "
everyone be safe -- today and always


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

if this log rolls over we'll drown

(my town)Texas - Students and faculty members were evacuated from a my kids - ISD intermediate school when a nearby creek began flooding out of its banks Wednesday morning.

yup it's true .  major flooding in and around where i live.  schools are and have been evacuated.  my kids school wasn't one of them, but soulman went and got her anyhow.  it aint easy to forget once you've been in a flash flood.  not to mention - in my case -- a few - in a vehicle - and my house - a couple as well.  so. when i saw the news, i told hubby - cancel her appointment, and go get her.  not that he hadn't had that plan on his mind already - but now that i was in agreement - without his suggesting it-- it was a sealed deal, and off he went. 
at this point , it isn't raining anymore... our house is fine, and the soul clan is fine.  in fact the two of them, and soulkid 2 , are at sonic, grabbin some lunch -- they slay me.  if it was me - i would have got my kid and come straight home-- them?  they went to home depot, and sonic.  don't ask.  i gave up tryin to figure out their thought process... which is obviously much the same.  and totally not the same as mine. 

oh well.  they survived their journey.  and even brought me lunch :))  gotta give em credit for livin life right?  livin on the safe side doesn't always pay off.  they came in , all smiles. 

and what i am i doin?  sittin here pissed off cuz my phone won't work, and i can't talk to my dr. to get the results of my chest x-ray.  that's what i'm doin.  she called this mornin - i missed the call.  now my phone won't work to call back.  aint life grand? 

catch you folks latah.

happy days peeps-

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

two - fer twos-day kinda

my new theme song???

well hell. if it aint one thing it's another.

such as lately-
this is not where i want this pic-
but this is where blogger wants it :((

mornin peoples-
how goes it on this fine fine day? hope all is good in your worlds.
things aint too awful bad here. well aside from a few things. i wouldn't say they were bad things. just sort of irritating things. kinda like a fly in your face that won't go away. ya know? for instance. i couldn't find my buddy online this mornin who i been havin coffee with lately. the smoke n choke is much more fun with someone to chat with with, than just sittin alone doin my banking or payin bills ya know. specially this one - she's a crack-head -- just like me. findin a person that thinks the way i do - just isn't as easy as one would think. and trust me, get two of us on a roll? hilarity, at it's finest. always makes for a nice mornin.
and, seein as i could be facin some shaky news from the doc in a couple hours? well-- let's just say - after i post this - i'll be textin her to get her ass on chat! hear that? thanks buddy - where the hell are you? you better be 'fallen and can't get UP', ... not really - but close .

so. anyhow- the 'another'? i just blocked my other blog- made it private. so don't bother goin there -- just in case you have been. or do-- for any reason. cept you MB -- cuz i know what you're up to :)) . we can fix it for ya. other than that ? i just have been thinkin a lot about how much of myself is 'out there', and how much of me really should be. i don't think it's necessary for all that is there -- especially as much of what is there about soulkid, -- it's just too much information.

or  perhaps i should say 'amunition.' more than once the words i have written here have been used against me. when i put them here to explain my ramblings- or perhaps to be understood better. well, yeh- bad idea. for way too long. i'm not sayin it won't happen again, but if you haven't noticed- i have become more guarded over time. especially with soulkids business, and issues. she is getting to an age where her info on my blog could be problematic for her - in more ways that one. in the way of her local peers or friends seeing it here. which has happened - due to facebook being linked. and also- she is lookin at soon getting a drivers license, and a job etc. her life is hers now, and i have no right to expose it here. she isn't a child anymore. so. there's some reasons that 'Soul Survivor' had to have the doors closed.

i reckon like 'sophie' said when i opened this new blog [ -- some of y'all know that she was my original soul sistah.. one of my first blog buds turned close friends, and confidant. -- ]

" A new blog... what a fun idea! It's like a fresh start, the first page of a new chapter. Hope that the pages of your life open with some new happy things to share as well, keep bloggin' Soul Sis".

that seems to be stuck in my head ever since she wrote it here.  "a new chapter-- a fresh start."
   that's what i need.  those of you who have been around from the beginning- or close to it, you've seen it - read it- know it.  the good, the bad, the ugly.  y'all know what i have been through in life , and in the past 3 years or so.  you know the storms and battles this family has fought.  what we have beat , and what has beaten us.  you know what we have survived.  you know what I have beaten , and you know what has beaten me.   i don't think anyone needs or wants to be reminded of any of it.  i know i don't. 

so yep-- this blog here - is the only accessible (to the public)  blog i have .  the rest?  i am keeping simply because i will use to refer to -- as notes - for my book.  i really am workin on it.  maybe someday i'll finish it.  if not?  a ghost writer -- or someone who knows me -- can write it for me.  God knows the info is laid out enough - between my blogs, notes, and footlockers of poetry and crap.  it's all there.  just needs someone to love it into book format.

have i mentioned that i want a service dog?  well i do.  sushi is too stupid, and eevee is too old, and too much of a liability.  i want a black lab.  for protection and companionship.  i know.  i need another dog like a hole in the fuckin head.  but part of why i don't go out - is cuz most of the time i'm alone -- and to be honest?  i have zero strength left to defend myself.  a 5 year old could kick my ass.  so- how do i get a service dog?

welp- guess that's all for today -

happy tuesday

Monday, September 6, 2010

guess what? it aint 3:33 - but it's close

seems like i woulda made it in here right on time -- if i was tryin. and to be honest , i kinda was.  but y'all know how my luck goes.  here it is - 3:38 A.M. , and i'm already havin a rough time of things. you wouldn't think a person would have much to do at 320 in the damn mornin would ya?  me neither, but remember.. this is ME we're talkin about.  well, me, five animals, havin to make coffee, of course havin to go pee-- in an ill equipped bathroom -- if ya know what i mean-- so then havin to retreat to the other bathroom, for mother natures supplies - ehem... then havin to let a barkin sushi outside - but first un-alarming the house-- then while making coffee -- lettin her 330 a.m yappin ass back inside - then finishin the coffee -- eevee came and went too-- but she doesn't do the damn barkin crap like sushi.  unless there's somethin significant to bark at.  bleh.  all this - and like three inhalers, antibiotics and a slew of other daily meds for my many ailments-- that now include 'possible' pneumonia.   yeh.  that's what i said.  the P word. nope.  don't wanna try to spell that again.  but i went to the doc on friday -- i think.  the doc is no expert on readin x-rays- so could only suspect- and treat me for ugh- pneumonia.  i admit- i have all the symptoms - so i don't think she's too far off - if not right on.  but she wanted to send the x-ray out to radiology to make sure - if it was that- and nothing worse- or less.  i'll get official results tuesday sometime.

all i know is i feel very run down, and sickly.  haven't gone anywhere since the dr on friday.. and aside from a burst of energy and goin though my closet and dresser clothes yesterday - i have done little to nothing else - cept online bills, etc.. and movies online, etc.  just tryin to slow my roll, and not keel over.  been doin pretty good cuttin down on smokin.  i bet i cut out a pack a day-- which, when ya smoke three packs a day -- prolly doesn't matter much one way or another.  but i feel a lil better there.  i do hope to quit someday .  but by now- y'all know i don't have much faith in that happening anytime soon.  i have tried so many times- and so many methods.. nothin ever seems to work out.  only thing that worked was when i was preggo with soulkid.  and y'all KNOW - my preggo days are OVAH!
oh yeh - back to my clothes. wonderin why i did that out of the blue?  well.  i think it was saturday.even tho i felt bad, and wasn't goin anywhere, i just thought i might feel better if i 'got dressed'. besides soulkid had friends comin over.  so- i went and got cleaned up, and went to get clothes on.  so, i was lookin for a pair of pants, that i know fit good-- couldn't find em.  the other pair that fit good-- were right there in my closet - but had already been worn a couple times- so i kept lookin- for clean pants.  i've had the chills with this - whatever - pneumonia, if that's what it is.  so i didn't wanna wear shorts -- i checked my dresser.  i found a pair of jeans -- they used to fit- and they used to fit pretty good too -- about 2 months ago.  i knew i had lost 'some' weight since i wore em last, but didn't think it's be a problem.  i toss em on, zip em, button em, turn around to grab a shirt, and guess what!?  they fell right off and down to the floor!  this would make some folks- especially women happy.  in almost every scenario.  how did I feel?  i got pissed .  worried. concerned.  in fact -- now that i think of it-- this pants issue may have happened before i went to the dr. i think it did.  but it was yesterday that i decided to get rid of all the clothes that don't friggin fit anymore.  even if i do ever get to that size again- i don't think it's gonna be any time yeh- it was then that i knew somethin was goin on with me.  not that i didn't know already.  it's just that it was to a point i couldn't ignore it anymore. i don't look in the mirror and see a skinny me. i see me at 150 + no matter what i weigh.  thanks mom. i know it's a mental problem, but i also know it is something i can not change.  the only way i ever know how big or small i am, is when i notice if my clothes are gettin too big or small.  and right now- the smallest of small clothes i have?  fall off.  i have to wear a belt! lest i lose my britches.
stress?  perhaps.  but of course-- i just know i am dying -- i just don't know what it is that's 'killing ' me.  lung cancer? adrenal tumor?  some unseen heart issue?  never know.  may never know.  like i've said before-- 'they'll find it on autopsy someday'.   but hey -- whoever's readin this?  i do not want an autopsy!  i don't want my family - any one of em, to see me after that.  no one can ever be prepared to see someone they love after they've been through an autopsy.  and those bastards never prepare a person to see what they're about to see. (*SIGH).

(insert coffee re-fill here )

so.  i haven't written here for quite some time, as you can see.  some days - i just don't bother tryin.  other days i do try- and get the dreaded white screen... and end up angry, frustrated , pissed off - and just want to delete the entire soul world off the internet.  just wipe my existence off the blog map.  then i realize... i had a place here once.  50-60 hits a day at one time.  i felt almost like a real live journalist then.  like dear abby or somethin.  that was great fun.   i really don't know what happened with that.  not sure if it was one of my bi-polar moments-- or if it was when soulkid had her troubles (both a couple years ago).  i do know that when soul land fell onto some seriously hard times and the laughs got silenced for a while.  some folks found better things to do- better places to go.  and that's fine. i know what it's like when folks don't know what to say.  and boy do i now that i leave a lot of folks speechless at times. i did the best i could do under the circumstances - and i still do.  i know i am not the same person y'all knew two or three years ago.  but hey.  my world was a puzzle torn apart- and later, put back together with a few pieces missing.  and in that case- i think i do pretty well with what i have left.  maybe y'all don't agree- and that's fine.  maybe the missing pieces are one or two of you. or parts of.  what do you think?  admit it - there's a distance between a few of us that at least i thought would never ever be less than friends for life.  today?  well, it's just not that way.  aside from a hand-full?  we're blog buddies- at best.  and i don't think you're surprised. i do think you know who you are.  and i actually think you are the only one of the two of us that know WHY that happened. AND, i'm blessed to finally be passed that. for the most part.
if you're wonderin WTH i'm talkin about?  you obviously haven't been comin around here long enough.  my brain works faster than my fingers.  sometimes vice versa.  i can't even keep up with myself.  i'm a lot to handle- and i know that.  and just in case you may have forgotten?  cold weather is comin in a few months.  those are the worst months of the year for me. they have been for years .  every year of my life.  and every year they seem to get worse.  winters i mean.  both physically, and mentally.  i hope you can prepare yourself.  or maybe i need to prepare myself.  i spose i am already trying. to prepare i mean.  i have a lot of under armour clothes.  you know what i'm talkin about right? the fishin/huntin clothes ya wear under your clothes? they're skin tight, so quite comfy as they aren't bulky-- i hate bulky!  remember the oompa loompa suit?  i still have that -- i look like a skeleton in it now.  but it's frickin warm.  i also now have some ski pants-- skin tight-- warm as hell.  and a long sleeved shirt just like it.  i have a full face mask - plastic wind guard thing- with also a ski cap rest of it type thing- yeh i know- that requires a pic.  but i'm armed and ready for a day on the boat in freezin weather -- if i can don my courage .  but yeh, that my friends will take much mustering of courage. and an 80.00 pair of carharrts! i lost my carhartts   in our last move. sexiest damn thing you'll ever see me wear. :))  yep-- i shall don the entire set of gear - and show you how hot i am.  i'll gain thirty pounds in it-- but i'll be warm as toast.  i also plan to buy a sun lamp-- made for folks with SAD= seasonal affective disorder.  can you believe it? on top of everything else -- i have THAT too.  and what a friggin acronym. SAD. in the winter.  just for me? (i know , it's not just me.)

so anyhow.  happy to be postin.  too bad it's not an upbeat post. just not feelin it lately. been bizzy. sickly. stressed out.  you know the drill.

hope you're all havin happy weekends in your worlds peeps!!!