what's goin on in your worlds ?? i have been tryin to keep up-- not doin a very good job-- but i've tried.
seems i have been tryin to keep up here too-- and haven't really done a very good job here either. at least not as far as the type of posts i like to write. as far as it goes for "me".. if i write what i can, whether it's positive - or negative-- it seems to allow me to see how i am really feeling, and what i need to do about it. but at the same time, if i see a pattern of negativity-- aside from feeling bad for it-- for ya'll-- i also am able to see where i need to change things ; within myself -- or ,my surroundings. ya know. so either way-- if i'm a crybaby-- or a nutcase-- if it's in writing.. rather than wrapped around my already incoherent thoughts... it makes it easier for me to put things together if i see it in writing-- outside of myself. does that make any sense at all to you??? sometimes i wonder if i am the only one who understands me. then again, once in a while, someone gets it.
so anyhow-- this passed few days--- more likely-- passed few weeks -- i really have been an emotional , and mental -- oh hell -- let's throw in physical -- train wreck. i know a lot of you have seen that. yesterday i think it all came to a head. i guess i would say i "hit bottom". i got to the point where i had NOWHERE left to turn, but to God. and ya know-- to be honest-- me and God haven't had a talk in quite some time. i'm not sure he liked what i had to say to Him ... but i think he understood, and even though i thought He was gonna be quite angry with me... i don't think He was.
because.... the day turned out to end on a fairly good note. for what seems to be a first-- in quite some time. i won't say perfect. but i will say better than most in recent passed.
such as-- the neuro appointment-- i actually ended up with a diagnosis for my neck pain. this has been going on since like last October. at least the severe pain has. i do have fybromyalgia-- so i have had pain there for years.. but last october , i backed into a concrete pole base in a parking lot-- and afterwards, i began to have many new symptoms , of pain etc, in my neck, back, legs, etc. even my eyes. since then, i had seen several docs.. from pain management - to neuro- to - you name it-- then after i had the seizure-- i saw this neuro doc-- who is actually turning out to be the most thorough understanding doc that i have seen in YEARS.
soooo.... what he found on my last exam-- yes-- a real physical exam, that he did last time.. the first doc to actually touch my back or neck in years-- (rather than tell me it's all in my head, and to se a counselor!) UGH... he went over all of it-- and told ,me i have what's called cervical dystonia. (i think). i may have mentioned i would be getting botox injections soon for pain.. but i really wasn't sure what for-- well , that's what for. a real friggin diagnosis... not stress.. not in my head... just as i have been telling these motherfuckin people for what seems like years! AND he has also had no problem giving me real live pain meds-- rather than telling me to take tylnol--or asperin-- already knowing that aspirin can friggin kill me! (cuz it can cause my ulcers to bleed-- bad, )
anyhow-- that was good.... for me.. and i will say it relieved a lot of stress and depression for me. although a lot of my depression is about some other things that are going on.. the pain really doesn't help-- such as the neck and shoulder pain, and near daily headaches/migraines etc.. which the botox should help. that hope is really something to hold onto ya know. daily pain really can depress a person, and almost make a person nutty. not to mention when so much else is goin on.
so anyhow-- to change the subject-- that i am really gettin lost in anyhow-- you know that happens-- sorry-- senile
soulkid took her test yesterday to see if she can get out of summer school-- i really hope she passed. she said she felt she did. say a prayer peeps. i thought the test was today-- it was yesterday. i can't keep a damn thing straight ya know. but ya-- i'll know by 10 am today... and i shall let ya know. i think i feel pretty confident-- i hope i hope i hope she did it!!!
i do have an appointment today-- at 1030-- the one i thought was the other day-- geesh. this is with a calendar people. wth??? maybe someday i'll get it together. at least i can hope so. right?
well.. it's time to wake my child--- and get started on my day-- i spose i shall do some cruisin around when i get back from z doctah.