Wednesday, February 10, 2010

hungry angry lonely tired = thirsty for some

but a luxury i cannot afford-

yeh- good ole "HALT " (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). in AA you're sposed to 'check yourself' when you get emotionally overwhelmed and such. and 'halt' is one of the 'biggies' to watch for.
hungry- we know is the least of my problems. angry, lonely and tired-- hell, that's like fuel for me, it seems. daily -- every day emotions for this ole gal.
i wouldn't know how to act without those on any given day.

so let's add a few that i don't even know how to classify, or identify into the mix, and what do we get? oh, any combination of things. well, cuz we are talkin about me. remember?

plus--- me.. good ole 'me'. whoever that is. the one always trying to keep the peace. and or, people please. avoid conflict. make everyone around me happy. no matter what emotional price i have to pay. i am always left standing in the dark corner wondering what just happened.

can someone tell me? what the hell just happened?

because i'm not quite sure that i know.

in fact, i am positive of only that little factoid.

that i do not know what just happened.

i know a few facts -- because they are just that. they are facts. they are black and white. and they can't be questioned. the rest though? what the hell? it's a mystery to me. and as usual. that is natural. and it is what i do best. therefore -- it is what i'm doing. i'm blaming myself. and i don't even know what for !!!
everything i reckon.

and what do i wanna do about it? how do i want to solve it? oh baby, you know it.
i wanna run away and be alone, and i wanna drink it all away. and i don't want to feel responsible or guilty for any - body- or any - thing. in fact--- i don't want to fuckin 'feel' anything at all.

but. i'm not allowed to do that. i can't do that. i'm not allowed to even have the feelings i have now. much less act on them. appropriately-- whatever that is. or inappropriately. as we all know- i mentioned that above.
but-- i thought i was doin ok. and just feeling my feelings.

this morning me and hubby had made up after last nights bs fiasco-- all was fine. he took the kid to school this morning-- actually he even let me sleep in this morning-- after he came and dragged my stubborn ass to bed last night around 1230 or 1 a.m.

then earlier today he went to pick up my portrait that was ready at the framing shop--

wanna see?

obviously , he also hung it on the wall for me too.
isn't it beautiful?
(thanks again JLEE )

anyhow-- of course i was emotional about that-- seeing it finished ya know.
for so many years i could only imagine it in my mind. now it's finally here on my wall.

so. while he was still out getting the portrait. my sister calls me from england, to tell me:
her ex- husband had a heart attack last night. she had very little information at that point. and i still, at this point have no more info than i had then. which was of course hours ago.
i do not handle news like that very well. and i do not handle death very well. NO, he hasn't died. but it is quite a possibility. apparently, he refused medical attention when he felt sick , and in the time that lapsed before he did get any medical attention? a lot of damage had been done to his heart.

this was a guy that i spent a lot of time with when i was young. during my teen years. he is the guy who taught me how to fish. and he took care of me and my brother when my mom wasn't around, and we lived in really shitty places. roach and coke dealer, and hooker filled hotels. etc. one time there was a 'sniper' shooting outside in the parking lot of one of these hotels we lived at. and he was the one who got us all out of bed and onto the floor til it was over. this being in the middle of the night. i was only like twelve or thirteen at this time.
we were such a bunch of idiots i can just imagine us-- runnin and lookin out the window to see what what was goin on-- if he wouldn't have been there.
the butt of many jokes over the years.
but really, he was, and has been , even though i haven't seen or talked to him in most of my adult years-- he is the brother that my own brother couldn't be.
he was more than a brother in law. he was my brother.
shit i talk of him now as if he is already dead. he may make it through--and God knows i hope he does. If there is no brain damage of course. that is a possibility.
i'm sure with that much damage to his heart it could mean brain damage as well. i'm not sure if he has spoken yet.

my nephews are getting together-- the youngest in chicago is goin to jacksonville tonight- to be with the other two, and they will decide what to do from here. whether to head to arkansas on the weekend-- or what.

the strange twist in this? it was only a couple of months ago that i had mentioned to my sister just nonchalantly that if robert were to die i would want to be told, because i would want to go to his funeral.
that surprised her.
i guess she didn't think i really cared about him anymore.
but i do.

people who touch my heart -- don't just leave it when they leave me.
they still live there.

that's not how i tick.
i guess i wish it could be that easy.
it's just not.

so, i'm 'thirsty-- but i won't drink-- not tonight.