Wednesday, March 4, 2009

OMG i'm caught in a hanger

hi all---

thanks for comin by, and keepin up with me and mine. even when i am failing to keep up with you and yours. as you can see from the last many posts--- i truly am in soul hell lately. long term lately-- along with short term lately. this was a most fucked up weekend. the worst in quite some time. and things are NOT good.

i reckon i will start with my monday morning-- as i said i would... but this is the short version.... as will be the rest of this post-- cuz i have somethin i need to do this morning.

anyhow-- monday i went to my aftercare psyche group.
i go mon-wed-fri-
but i won't be going today--(and i'll get to the why soon)--- but as you know - things have been tough here. to the point of police visiting my home. at least, no one got hauled off.

anyhow-- i can't hardly focus right now-- just trying to write fast.

back to monday-- i could not go to sleep-- not after everything that happened on that night--the screaming, the headache -- the friggin cops. the heartache.

i am realizing i have sooo lost track of time i don't know for sure what day what happened.. so just go with it ---days may be off-- but the rest is the story.

the night the cops came- i was up all night. it happens-- mostly when i am stressed-- or manic-- i was both.

i don't know -- i have to go now-- i'm a wreck at the moment-- i just wanted to let you know i was still alive--

as for soul jr.--- that is what i want to talk to you about. and i think i may just break like the china doll that i always try hard not to be.

perhaps i am not tougher than most like i sometimes say.

she relapsed over the weekend-- she took ALOT of MY fuckin meds. we didn't know til the cops were here-- she only -- ugh. i'll get to more detail later. but its gonna kill me i'm afraid. i just don't have the strength to deal with this.

an example-- on monday at group-- even before all this info came up---- on monday i fell apart in group-- they don't see me talk or cry so much. they were very concerned-- and my counselor MADE me see my shrink-- she paged her to see me -- unscheduled-- they both wanted to put me inpatient cuz i was such a mess. BUT i was "safe".. i had to convince them i was only emotional..not suicidal-- or in a need to hurt myself in any way.
obviously they believed me..and i was here for all the things that happened. if i wasn't -- i woulda fell apart--even worse than i am right now.

i'll be back peeps.

be happy today-- it could always be worse.
right -- charlotte-- and jamie? i know there's more.. smocha.

my baby could be dead today--- from what she said about the amount and what she remembers taking-- she honestly could have died. and that scares the livin shit out of me. i didnt know these details, or seriousness , amount type nuthin till this morning.
worst part?? she is having physical and mental effects today -- WTF. is it gonna be permanent? please pray for her. if you have an ounce of God in you .. pray for my soulkid.

wtf people-- i'm thinkin Armageddon..or simply hell.
either way it's the end of the world as we know it. at least as the way I know it.

i shall return this afternoon.

love and peace to y'all

(no time to proofread--sorry--but i hope you are fluent in typo)